by Lisa Simmons
Maybe there still was something more to him, but it apparently wasn't strong enough to hold off on the deplorable ways of his past. Or maybe it was just that he didn't care enough about me to try. That had to be it: I wasn't important enough to him to try.
The tears were starting to build again, threatening to choke what little air I'd been able to inhale when I heard someone shouting my name.
"Abby, stop!"
It was Reece. He was the only one who called me Abby, and I'd recognize his voice anywhere. I picked up my pace, determined to never speak to him again. I could hear the quick pattern of his feet hitting the pavement, clearly actually running after me. I could feel him behind me, his presence even now burning through me as he got closer.
I spun on the spot, turning at the last second before he crashed into me, not expecting me to turn so suddenly. My hands flew to his chest and I shoved him harder than I ever had.
"Get the fuck away from me, Reece," I shouted, unable to control my seething anger.
"No-"
"Fuck off, Reece, I said we're done," I shouted, shoving him again. It took everything in me not to burst into tears again as I channeled every ounce of pain and anger and disappointment into shoving him as far away from me as possible. My arms started to shake as I shoved him again, my muscles growing weak from exertion and from the unparalleled emotion flooding through my veins.
He let me shove him, not resisting or trying to stop me as I physically tried to express what I knew I never would be able to with words. His face was pulled into a deep frown, and his jaw was clenched more tightly than I had ever seen it. He jerked back slightly with every shove I gave. How could I say how much he had hurt me without looking like a complete idiot? I gave one more shove, pushing into his chest as hard as I could before turning on the spot and walking away from him again.
"Abigail, stop," he repeated. "I fucked up, okay?"
"You don't fucking say," I spit, not stopping my quick movement away from him as he followed closely behind.
"I'm sorry!" he shouted, attempting to grab my arm and stop me before I yanked it harshly away from me.
"Don't you touch me, Reece, I mean it," I said angrily.
"Abigail will you please stop?" he pleaded, following me even closer than before. Again, I spun on the spot and shoved my hands into his chest to stop him from crashing into me. My arms extended against him and he backed up a few inches.
"What could you possibly have to say to me? How could you possibly justify what you just did?" I seethed, frustrated with myself as tears pricked behind my eyes again.
"I can't, okay? I don't know what happened," he said, his tone laden with resignation.
"That's bullshit, Reece, you knew exactly what you were doing."
He was not about to claim the whole 'I don't know what happened' thing again and get away with it.
"No, that's not- I know what I did. But I mean I don't know why I decided to do that. It was so stupid Abigail, I just got so pissed that you hadn't told them and I thought it meant you were ashamed of me-"
"Of course I'm not ashamed of you!" I shouted, cutting off his explanation. "Well wasn't, I don't know about now."
He looked like I'd slapped him, his eyes widening as he stared at me. He took a deep breath before speaking again.
"I know, I just overreacted and just... I don't know, I got stuck in my head and convinced myself in a second that you didn't actually want me," he said, attempting to explain himself.
"That's so stupid, Reece! Even if you did think that, that was no reason to purposefully go after my friend right in front of me," I said harshly, shocked he had thought for even for a second that his behavior was warranted.
"I know, Abigail, I'm trying to apologize! I was being fucking stupid and I told you this would happen at some point," he said, a hint of sadness creeping into his tone.
"Yeah, you were being fucking stupid," I growled, refusing to give in to his apology. He was absolutely in the wrong and I couldn't forgive this.
"I know," he repeated. "I'm sorry, please don't say we're done."
"Reece do you know what that did to me? Do you know how hard that was to watch?" I asked, cracking for the first time as some of the hurt that had been eating my insides seeped into my voice. His face pinched together in regret.
"I know, I'm sorry," he repeated. It wasn't enough.
"You don't know, Reece. I was really starting to feel something for you and then you throw that in my face like none of what we'd built up mattered."
"It does matter, Abigail. I'm trying so hard," he said quietly.
"This is you trying hard, Reece? Hitting on my best friend in front of me because I was protecting what we were working on? Tell me how that's trying, because I really don't get it," I said angrily. I flash of annoyance ran through me as a tear slipped from my eye, giving away how emotional I still was.
"I'm fucking trying, Abigail, what do you want from me? You knew I was going to fuck it up at some point but you still agreed to this," he spit back, getting angry now.
"No, you don't get to yell at me, I'm not the one who fucked up here," I shouted, another angry tear falling down my skin. I wiped at it harshly, furious at myself for crying when I wanted to be strong.
He huffed heavily, trying to calm himself down as he unclenched the fists that had formed involuntarily by his sides.
"I don't know what to do besides say I'm sorry, Abigail," he said, his voice losing the anger that had quickly come and gone. The only thing I could hear now was regret and sadness.
"I don't think I can forgive that, Reece. I can't unsee you groping her right in front of me," I said, my voice finally cracking under the strain of emotion. He looked broken standing in front of me, the angst on his face reflecting how I felt on the inside.
"Please Abigail, don't give up on me."
His voice almost sent me crashing back into his chest, the shaky tone and the vulnerability of his words breaking what little remained of my heart.
"You gave up before I did. You didn't even give me a chance," I said, finally giving in to the tears that had been slowly managing to escape. I took a shuddering breath as I watched him.
"Abby I know you don't want this to end yet, I'm sorry," he pleaded as he took a tiny step toward me.
I couldn't speak as I watched him move closer to me, the shaky breath I held in my lungs whooshing out in an instant at our proximity. He raised a tentative hand to stroke the tears from my cheeks as he looked down at me.
"Say you'll give me another chance," he whispered.
Again I was silent, unable to form any words as the emotion choked me.
"You still want this, don't you?" he asked again. "Please answer me. And don't lie- we promised we'd never lie, remember?"
I couldn't even feel my body as I tried to remember how well things had started out, but all I could see now was black and heartache as he stood in front of me. Even now, his gentle touch was setting my skin on fire, and I longed to let him wrap his arms around me and comfort me. I longed to hear him whisper he was sorry and that'd we'd get through this.
"Do you still want this?" he repeated, his face more vulnerable than I'd ever seen it.
Don't lie, he'd said. His words echoed in my chest, the space empty now that my heart had been shattered.
"No," I whispered shakily. "I don't."
Don't lie, he'd said, but that didn't stop me from lying all the same.
I could lie to him, but I couldn't lie to myself. I knew I still wanted him as I pulled myself from his grip and turned to move away from him, leaving the broken remnants of my heart on the pavement at his feet.
"How dare you say it's nothing to me, baby you're the only light I ever saw."
Chapter 26
Reece's POV
I had never felt more like I was falling apart as I watched Abigail walk away from me that night, her statement that she didn't want to work on this with me anymore more eff
ectively ripping my heart into pieces than a shredder. It was like someone had hit me in the chest with a semi, knocking every breath I held in my lungs out in a split second. It had happened just as I knew it would- I had fucked up everything we had been working toward in less than an hour, and she was gone. Again. I didn't know if she would ever forgive me, but I knew I could never forgive myself for hurting her that way. The pain had been evident on her face, the varying stages of it changing throughout the night only to peak as she walked away from me for the last time. I hated myself for hurting her. She was far too good for me and my bullshit, and didn't deserve a single second of what I'd put her through. What had she done to deserve me to rub something like that in her face? Protect the start of our fragile relationship? Nothing. My idiotic tendencies had made me believe she was ashamed of me, which then led to me thinking she didn't actually like me. Now I realized how stupid that sounded. It was obvious now that she'd only kept it quiet to protect what we were starting. It wasn't that she was ashamed of me or didn't like me, and the process for me reaching that rationale was so cloudy even now, I couldn't understand how I had gotten there. My actions had been deplorable, specifically hitting on her friend because I knew it would burn through her like her 'denial' of our relationship had burned through me. I had done exactly what I'd known would get to her- touching and whispering and looking at that girl like I should have been with Abigail.
I am a fucking idiot. She'd done nothing to deserve that. Self-loathing so strong flowed through me I thought I would throw up, the degree of hatred I felt for myself by far the highest I'd ever felt. There had been the tiniest fragment of time where I thought she was going to forgive me, her cold exterior cracking just the slightest as I held her face in my hands, but she hadn't. She was too smart to forgive me, too strong to cave to whatever I begged of her. My admiration for her was unrivaled, and again I was reminded how she was a better person than me in every way possible. It had been two days now, Saturday and Sunday passing in a blur of agony and self-hatred. My constant stream of text messages and phone calls went unanswered, and I knew better than to show up at her apartment. What little self-control I had managed to cling to, however, was shredding in my hands as I grew more and more desperate for her to forgive me, and I had to stop myself several times from sprinting to her and begging on my knees for her to give me another chance. She had already given me too many chances. Surely she was out of forgiveness by now. The tiniest, thinnest sliver of hope remained from the emotion she had given away as pulled herself away from me that she would maybe forgive me eventually. I knew if she did, there was no way I would ever screw something up again. Or at least, not something so idiotically stupid as I just had. Surely there was no way I'd be ever able to be what she deserved, but I'd do everything in my power to try. Even from the slow, unconventional start we'd had to a relationship, I knew she was exactly what I needed. She was kind, strong, and beautiful in every sense of the word. She was everything I had never known I wanted, and now I had screwed it up so bad that I didn't know if there was even a chance I'd get to see her again.
I didn't know it was possible to hurt so much because of another person, but here I was, wallowing around my house like a lonely, heartbroken little boy. My feelings for her were still so confusing, but they were already strong enough that I knew if she let me, I would fall in love with her. It was like an inevitable end that I wouldn't be able to stop, unless of course I did something to ruin our relationship, exactly like I just had. I hadn't been aware of it, but I'd been pacing relentlessly around my house, my feet never letting me settle as I tried to walk off the anxiety and hurt I was feeling. I had no one to blame for this but myself, and I knew that. My phone lit up the dark room, my pacing distracting me from realizing it had gotten dark and my house was completely unlit. I wasn't surprised to see she hadn't called or texted, but I was going crazy. I shook my head, trying to talk myself out of what I knew I was going to do anyway- going to her. She wouldn't like it, and she'd probably push and shove and slap me, but I'd let her if it meant there was any chance of her starting to forgive me. Without a second thought, I grabbed my car keys and threw myself out into the night, determined to say whatever I had to in order to get her back.
Abigail's POV
My heart felt like it was tearing into a thousand different directions as I scrolled through the endless text messages on my phone, each and every one of them from Reece. Texts begging me to call him, pleading for forgiveness, and statements of how stupid he was flooded through my vision, all of them blurring together as what felt like an endless string of tears pricked at my eyes. Every bit of me was yearning to forgive him and let him wrap his arms around me, while the tiny, shriveled part of my brain that was sensible told me I couldn't. My quickly diminishing pride was vastly disappearing, a bit more of me caving in to Reece without him even being here by the second. The last time he had called about an hour ago, I had had to physically lock my phone in my dresser drawer and leave the room to stop myself from answering and giving in to whatever apology he gave. The only way I had managed not to run back and admit I had lied about not wanting him was by clinging to the sting that ached in my chest from what he'd done. Despite feeling weaker now than ever, my resolve crumbling by the second, I needed to remember that he'd hurt me. He'd done something I couldn't forgive. At least, not so quickly. I already knew I would forgive him. How could I not when I felt such a burning, all-consuming connection to him, the fires of it lingering in my veins even now when I was so angry with him? I needed to let this separation and hurt between us linger a while. I needed to remember that no matter what, there would always be hurt in relationships; you can't throw yourself in so quickly and not expect to get hurt. It's not realistic to think so, and it's only setting everyone involved up for failure. Reece needed to learn that he couldn't do whatever he wanted and not have any consequences. He needed to learn that if he was going to hurt me, I wouldn't just take him back because he apologized. We both had lessons to learn, and we both needed to feel this sting of hurt to do so.
Emily had been the very definition of a best friend, letting me cry on her shoulder when I wanted and yelling in rage with me when my emotions switched. It had been such a roller coaster of a weekend, and I never would have gotten through it alone. She had let me wallow in my room for most of today, my mood deciding that I needed to be alone for a little bit. The sight of Reece all over Lauren was still burned into my brain, the image of it haunting me whenever I so much as blinked, and it hurt worse every time. I could hear a slight buzzing coming from my dresser, the treacherous phone ringing for what was surely the thousandth time. My hands clamped over my ears as I curled forward, my forehead falling to my knees as I sat on my bed. He was calling me again, and it was killing me not to answer. I squeezed my eyes tightly shut until the vibration stopped, the taunting sound of it finally disappearing in the quiet room.
There was nothing I wanted more than to go back in time and relive Friday night. I could have just told Lauren and Chloe what was going on and this entire situation would have been avoided. The devils advocate in my mind questioned even that, though. If it hadn't been Lauren, would it have been some other random girl?No, it wouldn't have, because it was me not telling her that set him off.
Despite his complete overreaction and irrational behavior, I still couldn't fully place the blame on him. If I had told them, he wouldn't have gotten pissed off. Simple as that. My head jerked up from my knees and my heart thudded painfully in my chest as I heard a knock at our front door resonate through the apartment. I leapt up from my bed, sprinting to throw my door open just and stick my head into the hallway as I watched Emily get up from the couch where she had been watching TV.
"Emily," I hissed quietly. Her head whipped around to look at me as she stopped her hand from opening the door.
"If that's Reece, I'm not here," I said, deciding before I really let my head wrap around if that was the right thing to do or not if it was in fact him.
I couldn't deal with seeing him so suddenly- not when I was such a mess and a complete pile of heartbroken emotions. She nodded and I let out a sigh of relief, pulling my head back into my room and leaning against the wall by my door so I could hear whatever was about to happen. The door creaked a bit as Emily opened it, and I held my breath as I strained to hear every single detail.
"You," Emily said coldly, quickly confirming it was the man I longed to see yet was still so angry at. Reece.
"Hey-"
"What do you want?" she cut him off harshly, her voice stern. I could practically see her standing there with her arms crossed firmly over her chest as she glared at him.
"Look, I know I shouldn't be here, but I need to talk to her," he pleaded, his voice sounding weak and broken. My heart crumbled a bit more in my chest and I had to stop myself from sprinting down the hallway into his arms.
"She doesn't want to talk to you, Reece," she replied coolly.
"I know, but please just let me in-"
"No way, you fucked up big time, bro," she cut him off again. Despite what he'd done to me, I felt bad for how mean Emily was being to him, even if he deserved that and more.
"Emily, come on, help me out," he begged. His deep voice resonated down to my bones, my body missing the sound of it over just the past two days. I took a deep, shuddering breath to try and stop the tears I knew were quickly building behind my eyes.
"No, Reece. When she wants to talk to you, if ever, she'll come to you. You can't force her," she said, a hint of compassion leaking into her voice now as if she couldn't possibly be mean to the broken man in front of her anymore. They were silent for a while, but I heard a muffled sigh that could have only come from Reece. I pictured the way he would run his hands over his face, his palms dragging down the soft skin before shoving his hand through his hair in sad frustration. Again, my heart gave a painful thud as my sick compulsion to comfort him after he'd hurt me flashed through me.