by Lisa Simmons
I stared at my reflection and watched the tears gather in my eyes once more, the glassy characteristic and bloodshot red making my eyes practically glow blue. I sucked in a deep breath and attempted to stop my shaking hands. I needed to stop crying and find the cold detachment that Jack so often emoted. I needed to stop feeling, stop thinking, and say the things I could never mean. My eyes stared back at me as I nodded, steeling myself to make a move. I felt judged as I watched myself in the mirror.
There must be something you can do. Anything but this.
There wasn’t, though. Jack had made sure that I had no other option other than to leave Reece if I wanted to keep him safe. He had cut off all my resources- the police, Reece, anyone that could possibly help. I had no choice but to do this. My feet jolted suddenly beneath me, carrying me abruptly toward the door of my apartment. I grabbed my car keys on the way, never once stopping walking for fear of turning back. If I made even the slightest hesitation, I would never carry through. The door slammed behind me, my body making moves I wasn’t conscious of as I moved down the hallway and through another door. The morning air was cool and crisp but it did little to clear my head as I made my way to my car. There was a constant ache in my chest that I knew would only get worse as I drove to his house. My actions were stiff and unfeeling as I attempted to ease myself into the state of mind I needed to be in. Far too quickly, I arrived at his house. My car landed in his driveway and I shut it off before leaning back heavily against my seat. I blew out a heavy breath and squeezed my eyes shut, steeling myself for what would be the hardest thing I’d ever done.
Here we go.
I tried to ignore the pleading sting of my heart as it begged me not to do this, but it was impossible. Every breath I took was like a dagger driving deeper and deeper into it, the wound widening more and more the closer I got to the front door. My numb fingers gripped the door handle and twisted slowly, his front door unlocked in a naïve trust of the world. How awful the world actually was.
I pushed gently and let myself in. His house was quiet, as I had expected it to be since it was so early. I was surprised the pounding of my heart didn’t wake him, because it was so loud it was all I could hear. My feet carried me down the hall in short, jerky steps and I paused when I reached his door. I placed my palms against it and dropped my forehead against the wood as I drew one final deep breath. “I’m gonna keep you safe,” I whispered, my voice nearly drowned out by the pounding pulse in my ears. My eyes squeezed so tightly shut it was almost painful before pushing on the door and swinging it open. There he was, sleeping soundly beneath the covers on his bed. He lay on his side, his arms curled around a pillow he had clutched to his chest. He looked so peaceful, his lips parted slightly as he blew out soft, even breaths and his hair splayed out around his head on the pillow. A pang of guilt flooded through me as I prepared to interrupt his peaceful slumber with something so heartbreaking. I crossed the space into the room before stopping on the edge of his bed and sitting down. The pressure shifted the mattress slightly but it didn’t wake him. My eyes stayed trained on his face as my features pinched together in an attempt to hold off the tears that were already threatening to take over. Without my permission, my hand reached slowly forward to brush back the hair that had fallen over his forehead. God, I love you so much.
I tried not to think about how this was the last time I’d be able to do this as I let my touch travel across his face. My fingers traced over his brows, his cheeks, his sharp jaw before finally coming to his lips- his lips that had fascinated me from day one and still held a magnetic power over me and were soft beneath the pads of my fingers as I traced them one last time.
I jumped slightly when I heard the change in his breathing, my gentle touch finally waking him up. My hand jerked backward as his eyes tightened momentarily before blinking open. He looked slightly confused for a second before a lazy smile pulled at his lips.
“Well good morning,” he said, his voice deep and raspy in the morning.
“Hi,” I said quietly. He blinked once, hearing the heavy tone to my voice before examining my face more closely. Very quickly, he easily saw the serious expression my face. He frowned before shifting and pulling himself to sit up in his bed, exposing his bare torso. “What’s wrong, baby?” he asked, his tone laced with concern. He leaned forward and let his fingers brush along my cheek to tuck my hair behind my ear. I forced my hands to stay in my lap to prevent them from reaching out to him. “We have to talk, Reece,” I said slowly. Already the words stung as they left my lips.
He frowned at my words, his brows pulling together as he let his hands fall to the tops of my thighs. He squeezed lightly in an attempt to soothe me as he tried to figure out what was wrong. His gentle actions were only digging at me further, his kindness beyond undeserved for what I was about to do. “Okay,” he said quietly, confusion clear on his face. He cleared his throat and looked at me intently, waiting patiently for me to continue. I paused and took a deep breath, every second that passed by seeming to add to his confusion and quickly growing apprehension. I couldn’t even look him in the eye as I tried to gather my thoughts, my gaze falling to his bare chest.
“Whatever it is, we’ll get through it Abby,” he said kindly, rubbing his hands over my things reassuringly. I squeezed my eyes shut and opened them to find him ducking his head in front of me in an attempt to get me to look at him. Again, I was unable to meet his gaze. I shook my head slowly, still unable to speak. “What is it?” he asked, his tone clearly nervous now as he watched me intently.
“I... we... we need to break up,” I said, my voice surprisingly firm as I said it. Like a coward, I continued to stare at his chest while my heart broke in half. He leaned away from me instantly as if the force of my words had actually knocked him back.
“What?”
“We need to break up,” I said again, the words no less painful.
“That’s not funny, Abby,” he said. “You need to find some new material because I don’t find that funny at all.”
“I’m not trying to be funny,” I said shortly. There was absolutely nothing about this entire situation that I found funny.
“Are you sure because I know you can’t be serious,” he said quickly. He sounded like he didn’t believe me at all, just as I suspected he would.
“I am. We need to break up,” I repeated yet again. Self-hatred flooded through me so strong that I actually felt dizzy.
“What’s going on, Abby? What happened?” he asked as he gently reached forward to grab my chin and force me to look at him.
“Nothing,” I lied.
“Bullshit,” he said suddenly, his careful expression interrupted by a flash of anger. He didn’t believe me and knew I was lying. “Did Jack do something? Is that what this is all about?”“No, he didn’t,” I lied again.
“Then what is it, Abby? Because I know you’d never do this on your own,” he said incredulously. His hands rested on my thighs still but they had stopped moving.
“I just think we should break up.”
“No,” he said stubbornly, shaking his head. “No, you don’t think that.”
I remained silent, biting my tongue to stop from confirming he was right- I didn’t think that at all.
“This needs to end, Reece,” I said. My insides twisted tighter and tighter with every word and I felt like I might throw up.
“What the hell is going on? I know this isn’t what you want, what happened?” he demanded, growing more and more angry by the second. Rightfully so.
“This was all just... a mistake. It should have ended a long time ago,” I lied. Everything inside me was screaming to shut up, to stop speaking, but I couldn’t. I had to say these things to make him believe me.
“You don’t mean that,” he said in disbelief. “I know you don’t.”
“How do you know?” I said sharply, forcing my tone to sound convincing. “I should have never gotten together with you. It was all a mistake. This h
as gone too far and I can’t do it anymore. We’re done, Reece.”My throat burned with the effort of holding back tears as I watched the emotion drain from his face only to be replaced by what I could only call pain. His brows pinched together and his lips parted slightly as he listened to me, and it was clear my words were having the same affect on him as they were on me. Finally, he shook his head slowly.
“No, I don’t believe you. You love me, Abby,” he said, his voice strained. My jaw shook as I tried to keep it clenched shut and tears stung at the backs of my eyes. I remained quiet as we stared at each other, the hurt disbelief in his eyes met by a cold indifference in mine. If only he knew I was anything but indifferent. “Say you love me, Abby,” he begged, his voice weaker and softer than it had been seconds ago, doubt creeping in to his tone. It took everything in me to shake my head no, shattering my heart in the process.
“No,” I said firmly.
“Say you love me,” he repeated, his voice growing more desperate. I could see the sharp line of his jaw as he clenched it tightly, the muscles flexing beneath his skin as he held back whatever painful emotions he was feeling. His gaze burned into mine as he silently begged me to say the words I desperately wanted to. “No.”
The crumbled bits of my heart were ground to an even finer dust in my chest.
“Why are you doing this, Abby? What have I done wrong?”
A sharp pang ran through me and I had never hated myself more in my entire life for making him doubt himself. He had been nothing but perfect, the best man I could ever ask for and loved me better than anyone ever would. Despite all that, here I sat, crushing his heart and mine simultaneously. Bile churned in my stomach as I readied myself for my next words.
“I just have to,” I said. I didn’t want to have to say the words I knew would break him if I didn’t have to.
“Don’t do this, Abby,” he begged quietly. “Please don’t leave me.”
I couldn’t do this. I couldn’t ruin him the way it was going to ruin me. We could figure out a way around this that would keep him safe. I didn’t have to do this.
But that wasn’t true- I had to. Jack’s words drifted through my mind again, as did the images of his threatening friends and flashes of their fistfight. I was reminded, very quickly, why I was doing this. I had to keep him safe.
“I deserve better than you. I should have done it sooner, because it was obvious right away you aren’t good enough for me,” I lied, the words tasting like pure acid on my tongue as I let them out. The most painful pang yet shot through my body as I watched his face fall, his color paling as he absorbed the words I’d said so spitefully. I watched in agony as the disbelief was washed from his face, the words finally making sense to him and wiping the fight from him.
It was what he had suspected all along, what he had feared the most, what he’d so adamantly stated on several occasions. It was what was absolutely untrue but just what he needed to hear to finally believe me: that he wasn’t good enough for me. His face was oddly blank as he finally nodded at me slowly, his eyes dropping the intense gaze from my own. “You’re right,” he said, his voice hollow. His green eyes looked dead as they focused on the space between us. “You deserve much better than me.”
No, I don’t! You’re exactly what I need and all I’ll ever want. I’m the one that doesn’t deserve you.
Despicably, I nodded, confirming his statement even though everything inside me begged me not to. I swallowed harshly, the sensation painful thanks to the tightness of my throat.
“Right. So. We’re done. I have to go, Reece,” I said, my voice very close to betraying me and cracking. I stood from his bed before I could stop myself, his hands sliding off my legs as he made no attempt to stop them. With every bit of strength I had left, I managed to take one last look at his dejected frame before turning my back to him and walking toward the door. I had pulled it open and nearly slipped through before he spoke.
“Abigail,” he said quietly. With my back to him, I squeezed my eyes shut and discreetly reached up to wipe the tears that had leaked from my eyes before turning around.
“Hmm?” My eyes found his as I looked at him. He looked absolutely broken.
“I’ll never love anyone like I love you,” he said. He held his gaze tightly to mine as it burned through me like it always did despite his heartbroken posture. I couldn’t stop the sharp breath that sucked through my lungs at his words, and the ache of my heart seemed to intensify one hundred times. “I know,” I said weakly, my voice finally cracking under the strain. With one final look at him, I turned sharply and forced my legs to carry me down the hall. I didn’t even make it through the front door when the sobs started, the violent, ragged breaths nearly knocking me to the floor. I staggered through the frame and down the walk, silently praying he would chase me down and tell me I was wrong, I was being stupid, I was lying. But the farther away I got, the clearer it became he wasn’t going to follow me. I had done my job well, my speech convincing him of the exact opposite of how I felt.
That was it. I had done it, and it had nearly killed me to do it. We were broken up, broken hearted, and utterly and completely alone.
"Play no more with the fool and let the souls wander, and bleed from the soul."
Chapter 62
Reece's POV
I had to be dreaming. I had to be. There was no possible way the girl I love just came in here and ripped my heart to shreds. She didn’t arrive out of nowhere and say the things I’ve feared all along. She didn’t just tell me I’m not good enough, she deserves better, she should have done this a long time ago. She didn’t just leave me hanging when I told her to tell me she loved me. She wouldn’t do that. She couldn’t. Abigail, my Abigail, would never obliterate my heart so effectively and leave me like this. She said she loved me, that she’d always love me; surely she couldn’t say those things to me. My Abigail would say ‘I love you’ back when I told her what I felt so utterly and completely- that I loved her now and that I’d love her until the day I die. She could never be so cold and unfeeling and so opposite her usual self. That wasn’t her. She wouldn’t.
But she did.
This wasn’t a dream.
This was a nightmare.
My mind and body were yet to catch up to each other as I sat numbly on my bed. I hadn’t moved since she left and now that she had, I had no intention of moving ever again. How could I possibly move when my heart had been shattered? How was I supposed to get up and carry on when the sharp, freezing shards of my fragmented heart were piercing every inch they could reach, tearing and ripping and shredding me apart until there was nothing left but a mangled heap of blood and flesh and bone? This wasn’t right; this wasn’t how it was supposed to be. She was supposed to be here with me now, warm and free and alive as she pressed her body into mine. She would sigh happily when I kissed her shoulder and she’d pretend to fight me when my arms only drew her tighter against me. She’d mumble ‘good morning’ in her adorable, sexy morning voice and I’d respond with some raspy response of my own. She’d twist in my arms and look at me with her beautiful eyes that told me so much about her every thought. She’d be content to lay with me all day if only we never had to eat or go out in the real world.
That was what we should be doing right now- not this.
It was like the world had been robbed of all the warmth, the cold personified in shapes of shadowy demons that took her away from me. I could feel the cold closing in around me, the icy grip of it scratching and clawing at my skin until it broke through and squeezed the life out of my soul. It took me over quickly, extinguishing the ever-burning fire that lingered through my veins the second she walked out the door.
Abigail was my light, my fire, my heart, my source of everything good in the world. I could hardly begin to comprehend what I had just lost, my mind far behind the reaction of my body. My mind seemed just buzz numbly while my heart was no longer beating as it had surely disappeared by now. My stomach was twisted in
to a knot so tight I didn’t think I’d ever be able to move again. There was a devastating ache throbbing through my entire body, the loss felt physically before the true emotion even hit.
I could feel it creeping in, however- the devastatingly strong pain that started to come with the realization that she was gone. Her words started to echo around my skull, mocking me and taunting me just as they had months ago when I started to think them. She had confirmed everything I had been afraid of.
This was all just a mistake.
Of course it was. She met me in a crowded party and threw caution to the winds with me because she was feeling impulsive. I, like the asshole that I am, took full advantage. Of course she would end up regretting it. Why should she bother trying to start a relationship with someone like me who had clearly been in that situation more than a few times? Sure, I’d never felt something like I’d felt with her, but she didn’t know that at the time. Of course she thought it was a mistake.
I deserve better than you.
I’d known that all along. I’d known she deserves everything in the entire world and I’d known I will never be able to give her that. No matter what I do, I know I’ll never be good enough for her. I’m not a good person like she is- I’m not kind or generous. I’m selfish and greedy, constantly wanting her to myself and indulging in her whenever I can. I took all I could from her, mentally, physically, emotionally; it shouldn’t be a surprise that she finally realized I was right when I told her that so many times. She does deserve better than me.
You aren’t good enough for me.
Again. No argument. The simple fact of the matter is that she was too good for me and I’d known it all along. I had never been nor would I ever be worthy of someone like her, good enough for someone like her.