I turned my head a little more when I heard a sound beside the bed. Kurit was slumped awkwardly in a chair, snoring gently. That’s when I realized it was night, for the little bit of light in the room was from a lamp and not outside.
I tried to call to my husband, but the beginning of the whisper locked my throat in pain. I couldn’t understand why my throat was so sore. It felt raw, and my tongue felt odd in my mouth. I had no memory at that point of the stabbing, the swelling, and everything else that had happened. I could feel a dressing wrapped around my throat but didn’t know why it was there.
As I shifted a little in the bed, I became aware of a dull ache in my left shoulder. Memories of what had occurred then flooded my mind, and I felt a moment of panic.
I must have become tense or shivered or something, for Raelik woke. He lifted his head from my shoulder and whispered, “Mumma?”
I turned to him and smiled, remembering then Tash’s directive not to speak. Raelik lifted himself up to his knees to look at me, his little hands balancing himself by leaning on my arm. When he saw me awake and smiling at him, his sweet face glowed with delight. “Papa!” he cried out. “Papa! Mumma’s all better!”
Kurit jolted awake at the sudden sound. He looked at me, and seeing that I was indeed awake, his face lit up just as much as our son’s had. Kurit came to my side quickly and whispered, “Gods be praised!” He touched my cheek softly and said, “Don’t try to speak. Tash had to put a hole in your throat because you could not breathe. He says it’s healing well—thankfully without infection—and although you likely could speak, he insists that you had better not just to be safe.”
Raelik grabbed Kurit’s sleeve and said, “Papa, can Mumma stay here now?”
I didn’t understand what the boy meant until I saw Kurit’s face regard Raelik with a pained sadness. “Yes, Raelik, Mumma’s staying now. She’s not going away anymore.”
My heart twisted itself into a knot to realize that they had thought me to be dying, and Kurit had undoubtedly explained to Raelik that I was leaving. I wanted so badly to put my baby boy into another world where he had never had to endure such an explanation. I felt my jaw begin to tremble as tears approached. I was devastated to know that my son had had to learn about so many awful things at his young age.
Kurit saw that I was upset and wisely scooped Raelik up from the bed before the child saw my anguish. Kurit stood Raelik up on the floor and said, “Mumma’s going to be fine now, Raelik. But how would you like to do something nice for her?” I saw the boy’s head nod vigorously and remembered how he had “guarded” me at the cottage. Kurit smiled at our son and said, “Then go into Leiset’s room and wake her up. Tell her that your Mumma is awake and to go fetch Tash. Can you do that?”
Raelik nodded again, delighted to have such attention and responsibility.
“That’s my good little man,” said Kurit with great affection. “Go now. Hurry up, but don’t run!”
Raelik scampered out of the room despite the directive against running. Kurit returned to my side and took my hand.
“I know why you look as though you’re going to weep,” he said softly. “But you mustn’t. It’ll just hurt your throat.” He caressed my cheek softly as his own face began to betray sadness. “I didn’t want to have to tell him about your impending death, Aenna, truly I didn’t. But we thought you were going to die, and I wanted him to be with me at your side to say goodbye to you. I thought that …” Kurit bit his lip and looked away. He shut his eyes tightly in a clear attempt not to weep. When he lost the fight, he roughly brushed his tears away and looked at me again. “I thought that I’d never look into your eyes again.”
Then he shook his head and said, “What’s the matter with me? You must be parched! Here, there’s water here.” Very gently, he put water to my lips, and I happily drank.
He set the glass down and gently wiped my face with a cool cloth.
“Are you hungry?” he asked. “You must be. But Tash said the poison may have affected your stomach, so perhaps you feel too ill to eat.”
Though I had recalled Kasha stabbing me, I had not had yet the presence of mind to wonder why my throat had swollen, nor why I had been so close to death. When Kurit mentioned poison, I remembered the yellow dirt encrusted upon the end of her blade.
Kurit saw my look of consternation and said, “You don’t even know. I’m sorry. I can’t think straight. I’m just so glad to see you awake. We thought that you were dying until you woke briefly this afternoon. There was poison on the poignard, Aenna. Mother, she …” An incredulous look passed over his face as he babbled. “I still can’t believe that she could do such a thing. She wanted you dead and tried to ensure it by poisoning the blade with brimane crystals. It makes the throat swell shut, only for a short time, but long enough to suffocate the victim. I suppose she thought that she—”
He stopped speaking as Tash burst into the room with Leiset right behind him, carrying Raelik.
“Look! Mumma’s all better!” my son proclaimed.
Tash bustled Kurit out of his way and put his hand to my head as he felt my wrist for a pulse with his other hand. He did not even look at Kurit as he asked, “Did you give her some water?”
“Yes,” Kurit said quickly.
Tash looked at me intently and said, “Don’t speak. Just nod for yes. Did it hurt to drink?”
I shook my head and proceeded to answer his onslaught of questions in that manner.
Finally he said again, “You’re not to talk until that dressing comes off, not even if it feels as if you can. No exceptions, Aenna.” I suspected he was being over-dramatic about it but nodded my agreement anyway.
I made a motion with my right hand of writing, and Tash said, “Yes. That’s a good idea. Leiset will fetch you one of Kordos’s teaching slates and a chalk, and you can write when you have to. For now, do you feel up to having some soup? You’re pitifully thin and weak, and that makes it more difficult for your body to recover.”
As was his delight, Tash took over the entire situation and began issuing orders to everyone. He spent the next two days hovering over me to ensure that I did not disobey him in any way.
Naturally, I wondered where Jarik was when I did not see him. At first I assumed that he had been ordered by Tash to keep away and let me rest. Then I worried that perhaps he felt badly about my having been injured and he was hiding miserably in his chamber.
Then as another day passed by without seeing him, I began to fret that he and Kurit had fought and perhaps that Kurit had sent him away. Of course, I did not know at that time that they had spoken at all, let alone what had been said.
That afternoon when Leiset sat with me after I had eaten, I wrote ‘Where’s Jarik?’ on the slate.
Her face went noticeably pale, and she very nervously stammered, “Jarik? Jarik is … on a journey. He’s not here.”
A journey? I thought. Now? When I am ill? No, he would not go away willingly during such a time. I underlined the ‘Where’ on the slate.
“I don’t know, Aenna. Don’t fret. I’m sure in time you shall see him again. Just not right now.”
Leiset refused to speak on the subject further. Her obvious discomfort and her vague words worried me greatly. I became convinced that Kurit and Jarik had fought and, as I had worried when we returned to Endren, that Kurit had sent him away or perhaps even banished him from Keshaerlan.
I tried asking Tash, but he told me not to trouble myself with anything other than my recovery. Then he, too, awkwardly stammered something about Jarik being out of the palace at the moment and left the room.
I decided I simply had to ask Kurit, for if my husband had been angry with Jarik, he ought to have been equally angry with me. When Kurit was next alone with me, I wrote the same question to him on the slate.
Kurit was better at controlling his face in times of stress than the others, but I knew him well enough to see the concern in his eyes at the question. He smiled at me nonetheless and said gently, “Don�
�t worry about Jarik right now, my love.”
I tapped the chalk on the slate and looked at him seriously.
Kurit took the chalk from my hand and set it aside with the slate. He then took my hand between his own and said, “Really, Aenna, you should be resting.”
I pulled my hand out of his grasp and pointed to the slate.
Kurit sighed and after a quiet pause, said, “He’s on a journey.”
I knew that this couldn’t be the entire truth after the way Leiset and Tash had spoken. I shook my head at Kurit and pointed to the board again.
“Aenna, this is not the time to talk about it.”
I reached for the slate, and Kurit handed it to me, albeit reluctantly, and probably only because he knew I’d injure myself to get it if I had to. I wiped the question away and wrote, “Did you fight with him?”
Kurit’s eyes closed for a moment, and he made the most awful sigh. My heart lurched in my chest in fear.
“No, Aenna. We didn’t fight. Please, let’s not do this. Not now. You need to get better.”
As he spoke, I wiped the question away and wrote, “Did Kasha cut him with poison blade?”
Kurit looked confused and said, “No, she killed herself after stabbing you. I told you that.”
Again I wiped and wrote, “Where is he? TRUTH.”
He sighed again and asked quietly, “You’re not going to stop asking are you?”
I shook my head. I had learned this annoying little trick from him and was pleased to watch it work just as well for me.
Kurit took the slate and chalk away again and picked up a cloth to wipe the dust from my hand. He didn’t look at my face as he did so and seemed profoundly sad. My heart thumped heavily in fear.
“Aenna, I don’t know how to tell you this. I wanted to wait until you were feeling better to talk to you about it.”
Still not making eye contact with me, he sighed again, his body shivering with it in obvious sadness. He lifted my hand to his lips and kissed it softly several times. He then moved my hand to his chest and held it there. I could feel his heart pounding and his body trembling. He closed his eyes for a moment and sighed again.
Then he looked at me and blurted, “He’s dead, Aenna. Jarik’s dead.”
Everything stopped. My heart stopped in my chest. The sounds around us stopped. The flickering candles stood still. Everything around me ceased as my mind reeled.
I choked back a breath as my body realized I had stopped breathing. I told myself in a panic that I had not heard those words, that this was simply a nightmare, that I would wake soon and find that Jarik was at my bedside, watching over me as always.
But Kurit kept speaking, and I knew that I was awake. His words were too clear to be dream-speak.
“We thought that you were going to die. He was sure of it, and he felt that he had failed you. He couldn’t bear to live in a world without you. He took the poignard that was to have killed you and went to the royal crypt. He removed his armour, laid himself upon his father’s tomb, and …”
I shook my head vigorously, ignoring the pain in my shoulder from the movement. I wanted to beg him to tell me that it wasn’t true, but even if I could have spoken my throat was locked. I felt panic, shock, and such horrific loss that my body began to shudder with silent sobs.
Kurit came right to me and put his arms around me, cradling me. He tried to calm me, begging me not to cry lest I damage my healing wounds, but I didn’t care. He kissed my forehead and held me tightly to him, and he wept with me, rocking me slowly.
“He didn’t know that you would live,” Kurit said between his own sobs. “He put the blade into his own heart thinking that dying before you would restore his honour. Aenna, he loved you so much! I know how his heart broke to see you dying, because I felt as hopeless and lost as he did, but I could never be so brave. And I couldn’t leave our son an orphan. But he loved you. I know he loved you, Aenna. Please, he would want you to live, so don’t tear yourself apart now that you’ve finally begun to heal, please …”
Leiset or someone else must have seen or heard the commotion, because Tash was somehow alerted to it and ran into the room, asking what had happened.
For the first time in my life, I cared not who saw me weep. I had no concern for appearances of propriety or strength. This was too much. This was worse than any pain that Kurit had ever caused, because at least then I had had anger to strengthen me and Jarik to comfort me. But to think that Jarik was gone, that a good man had taken his life because of me—it was too much to bear. My mind cried out that it could not be true, that there must be a mistake, that surely he could never be dead. Not my beloved Champion. He was too strong to ever die.
I heard Tash bark at Kurit to ask why I was so distraught.
Kurit, still holding me, looked up at Tash to say, “It’s Jarik. She knows about Jarik.”
Tash tried to calm me, but I batted his hands away from me. I could not stand the thought of being comforted. There was no comfort. There was only loss and pain and guilt and a terrible longing to see my beloved Jarik’s handsome face again. I ached to touch his cheek and see his loving eyes regard me happily. But in my mind, all I could see was the last image I had of him: terror as he watched me lose consciousness as a result of Kasha’s vile poison.
Kasha! That evil, contemptible viper! my mind screamed. She caused this!
I began thrashing in fury and horror as Kurit and Tash tried to grab my flailing arms and keep me still.
Tash bellowed, “How did she learn of Jarik’s death?”
“I told her!” Kurit cried above my now vocal sobs. My voice apparently did work, though it sounded hoarse and ugly with my pain.
“Why would you do such a foolish thing while she’s still recovering?” Tash chastised.
“Because she kept asking, and I’m a weak-willed fool! Aenna, please! You can’t do this to yourself!”
Kurit managed to pin both my wrists against my chest as he begged me further to calm down. But I could not. I wanted to go to Jarik’s rooms and find that he was sitting there and that this was all a fiendish joke or hallucination.
Tash tried to get me to drink something to make me sleep, but I fought him off. I wrenched my hand out of Kurit’s grasp and batted the cup away, sending it flying out of Tash’s hands.
“Well, that’s far enough, then,” Tash grumbled. He grabbed a cloth and doused it with a pungent-smelling liquid. Then as Kurit pinned me again, Tash pushed the cloth against my face. I held my breath and struggled against them, but soon my body overruled me and inhaled. I felt immediately weak and could no longer fight them.
With only two more breaths, I fell into a miserable sleep.
Chapter 26
WHEN I AWOKE, IT was the middle of the night. Leiset sat nearby, watching over me. My heart felt as though it were being crushed inside my chest when I recalled that Kurit had told me Jarik was dead.
No, I thought. It cannot be. Jarik is strong. He could never die. Not like that, not as Kurit said.
I closed my eyes again and reached out with my mind to the Gods in prayer that it was not true, that I had merely had a nightmare or perhaps a hallucination brought on my by illness.
I decided that I simply had to go to his room and find him. I would only need to look at him, and he would immediately wrap his strong arms around me. Then I would know that he was well, that I would soon be recovered, and that we would all be happy together.
Without a word or glance to Leiset, I sat up and swung my legs out of the bed.
“Aenna, what is it? What do you need? Lie down. I shall fetch whatever you need,” she said as she rushed to me and put her gentle hands on my shoulders.
Despite her touch, I pushed myself up from the bed to stand. I whispered hoarsely, “I’m going to see Jarik,” as I wobbled on my feet. My legs felt as though there were no bones in them.
Leiset made a sorrowful little sound and said, “Aenna, you must lie back down. Please.”
I ignored her and
took a few awkward steps, bracing myself against the post of the bed.
“Really, Aenna, do lie down. You shouldn’t be up and about yet. And you shouldn’t be speaking either.”
I looked at her with all seriousness and croaked, “You can either help me get to Jarik’s chambers or you can leave me to do it on my own, but don’t try to stop me.”
I slowly walked away from the bed, leaning on whatever I could as I went out of my bedchamber and into my receiving chamber. Leiset rushed ahead of me to block the door to the corridor. I glared at her.
She sighed sorrowfully and muttered, “This is madness. Tash will have my head.”
“Tash needs to remember that he works for us and not the other way around. His care and concern is admirable, but his advice has turned to orders, and that has to stop,” I said. Though my voice was rough from the injury to my throat, I knew I sounded very imperial.
Leiset opened the door and let me take her arm for support as I walked. We went out to the hall and turned to go towards Jarik’s chambers, where I was sure that he slept, very much alive. Leiset whispered to one of the guards to fetch the King to Jarik’s chambers quickly, but I ignored her. My only concern was to behold the face of my wonderful Champion, whom I loved and who loved me, who had saved my life and given me the strength to endure my troubles. I simply had to touch his face, to run my finger beneath his beard, to fall into his loving embrace.
I had never before realized how long the corridor of the south wing was. It seemed an eternity before we were finally at Jarik’s door. I let go of Leiset’s arm and opened the door without knocking. I knew that once I told Jarik of the nightmare I had had, he would understand why I would enter so abruptly. I knew that he would wrap his arms around me and tell me not to fret, for everything was perfectly fine, and he had simply been staying away that I might relax and grow healthy again.
Leiset rushed to light a lamp in the dark room. I called out to my Champion, but there was no answer.
I went to the bedchamber door and slowly pushed it open. I believed that he must simply be sleeping but knew that he would awake to the sound of my voice. Then he would rise and hold me, and my heart would not suffer this agony for another moment.
Sorrows of Adoration Page 51