by Anna Chillon
Except for me.
Towards sunset it stopped raining, but I was already completely soaked. The knotted vest behind my neck, which in theory slipped loosely around my waist, had sagged and clung to me, as well as the skirt that wet my thighs sticking tightly to them. I’d hidden my bag against my stomach, curving my shoulders in the hope of saving at least the phone.
It was still working when I sent a message to Mum, telling her I’d sleep at Zoe’s. That way she wouldn’t worry.
Having settled that matter, I warmed up in the last rays of sunshine before they disappeared behind the buildings and the clouds.
I thought with evening coming, Vincent would come out, but he didn’t; it was past eight o'clock and no one came through the door.
Dusk turned to dark, the lanterns flickered and the storm was really raging with lightning and thunder. I was frozen to the bone and the closest thunder was making me shudder. Rome seemed populated by a swarm of frenzied bees flying to the left and right trying to return to their hive. Everyone was running, and I was there, the fixed point of that chaos.
I huddled in a corner of the step, trying to bring my legs closer to my torso to warm myself up. Even though I didn’t think of giving in, I had so many sad thoughts in my head about what Ambra had said to me. I put my head to my knees and was about to cry. Strangely, it was as if heaven was crying for me; I just stayed still listening to the pouring rain and feeling the cold falling down my back.
I started to sneeze and my teeth were chattering. Nonetheless, even under those conditions, there was nowhere else I wanted to be, until I’d talked to Vincent.
At certain moments the rain seemed to fall like nails, dense and fast, and other times just a few drops completely flooded me, like water balloons. Small brooks were flooding out of the gutters, and the cars passing made waves as high as the pavement. If someone passed by, they walked quickly, under the umbrella, without even noticing my pile of flesh and bones crouching in the shadows.
Around half ten in the evening, as I was almost in a state of painful sleep, the violent shake of the heavy lock above my head brought me to consciousness.
The door to the side opened wide and I lifted my head with my palms on my knees.
“Vince...” I murmured in a distant voice.
Vincent let the door close behind him and looked down. He was astonished.
“Giada! But what are you doing here?” He said covering his face from of the beating rain.
I’d got used to it, both to his reproaches and to the rain, so I let the drops wet my face, sticking hair to my cheeks. I batted my eyelids repeatedly, taking in his dark contour, that of a giant looming over a soaking chick.
“I told you I would wait for you here,” I said.
Understanding that I was really there at that point for all that time, he was obviously wasn’t pleased, but also seemed impressed. He seemed to forget about the rain, too. His eyes wandered over me greedily, caressing all the curious and curled body, until he stopped on my face. His lips opened, as if they were tasting the rain from my own.
Attracted by him magnetically, I tried to get up to reach him, but my knees were rusty, the muscles all contracted for the cold, so I fell over slamming my bottom to the floor and a sneeze escaped too.
“Damn it, Giada!” He grabbed me by one arm and hauled me back to my feet, letting me lean against the door. “Now I'm calling you a taxi to take you home.”
He picked up his mobile and started typing on the screen.
I was colder standing up, I had to tighten my jaw to stop my teeth chattering too much. I put my handbag across my body because my muscles were so rigid that I couldn’t cling to the strap. “I’m not going home. I’ll stay here. You’ll find me here until you listen to me.”
He stopped typing. “You’re so stubborn,” he grunted, giving up on protecting himself from the rain.
“Me? What about you? You're as stubborn as a mule,” I accused him and he grabbed my elbows.
“Is there anything else you want to reproach me for today? Do it now, because when I find a taxi it’ll be over.” But the phone hung from his hand, the Google search page still open was getting wet and whenever his eyes fell on me, he seemed to forget to breathe.
“Sorry,” I said, in a pleading tone, stepping forward. I tried to remember the good speech I’d prepared in those long hours of waiting. At the end, however, it was just instinct that spoke. “I came to apologize. I know that I offended you with the things I said, things that aren’t true. But you have to try to put yourself in my shoes and imagine what you would have thought in my position. The day after you were with me for the first time, you took me to Ambra’s on Sunday morning to give her one of those envelopes you use for the naked photographs.”
“I don’t just put naked photos in them, I use them for any photo shoot. She needed those shots for her audition the following morning.”
“Yes, but I had no idea. And I didn’t even know what was going to happen from there on, if I was just a one night stand, or if I meant something more. You didn’t tell me so I didn’t know what to think. The only thing that you made me understand was that you were going to carry on fucking me and I was wondering why on earth you wanted to.”
“I’d scared you enough, without having to add expectations. I had to be satisfied with the moments we had together, I was trying to avoid overwhelming you.”
“But you did anyway, by not expecting me to ask questions! I had to connect the pieces slowly, by myself, seeing you photograph that Barbie, knowing that you had a habit of taking your clients to bed with you. I just had your word to count on, I wanted to believe you, but then Simon showed me your dinner with Ambra, her again, you held her hand... and in the end, when I was waiting for your explanation, you left me alone to run straight to her.”
Listening carefully, Vincent frowned, darkening like the night sky in storm. “You should’ve trusted me more, Giada.”
“I did... but everyone told me I was just a pastime for you! They said I was too young and naive, even you told me, so it seemed absurd that you wanted to be with someone like me; it was easier to think that you just loved to seduce girls my age for fun. Besides, you were so evasive...” I was impaled in front of him, my legs joined together, clasping my arms across my stomach. “Why didn’t you tell me about my sister?”
He put the phone in his pocket and pulled back his hair that would soon be as soaked as mine. “It was up to Ambra and her mother to decide, not me.”
“You sacrificed your life for her.”
“I only did what was necessary. What else could I do? Aaron had been there when I needed him. He welcomed me into his family for all these years, from the very beginning, the least I could do was protect her.” He put his hands on his hips, turned to look towards the street when the headlights of a passing car illuminated his tired face. “But now I'm no longer able to protect him from mistakes, not his, nor my own.”
“It was him in the wrong, who cheated, not... choo!” Concluded what was supposed to be a ‘you’ sneezing again.
He bent his head slightly to from above and to be sure I heard every word. “You shouldn’t be angry with your Dad. Growing up will make you realize we all make mistakes. A mistake that today you’d think you could never make could be your mistake tomorrow. That's how you’ll be tested.” He passed his hand over his face, from his forehead to his chin, wiping the rain off. “Keep all the labels you want, but in real life you have to make choices that you can’t go back on. You can either reason or...”
“Or what?” I urged him to continue.
“Hang yourself, as my father did. The only thing without solution or absolution,” he said icily. “So try to forgive, Giada. Be indulgent with others and with yourself.”
“I’ll try to forgive Dad, but will you forgive me?” I put my hands together in prayer and moved closer. On the ground, my feet were two light spots blurred by the water, bravely advancing in front of his dark shoes.
�
��It's not a question of forgiving you. That's not it.”
“So what? Ambra said you were her idol, well, for me you’re my hero, since the day you saved me in the pool. And you never ceased to be, even when I told you those bad things or when I thought you’d cheated on me.”
“A hero?” He bent his head back covering his eyes, not very happy with that statement. He smoothed his hair back with his palm and slowly said what he would have preferred to avoid. “I hurt you, Giada.”
I gently grabbed his biceps because I could no longer bear the distance between us. “You only really hurt me badly when you left me.”
“Oh really? Are you sure that's not the only good thing I did? Damn it, Giada...” he shook his head, shaking. “You have no idea what’s going on in my head seeing you like this and what I’d do to you now.”
“Do it, please.” I followed him with little steps going around him while he tried to turn his back on me to avoid lingering on his lewd thoughts. “If we want to be together why can’t we be?”
“Today. And what do you think will happen tomorrow?”
“I don’t know, but I don’t care. Why can’t we just do as you said once: no past, no future, just now, you and me, and see what happens?”
“You’ve seen what happens. You can see it now too: a good guy, the one you deserve, would have taken off his jacket for you. He’d take you to shelter, instead of keeping you here, just to be able to look at you in the rain and to get drunk on the sight. Of you, half-naked, wet, fragile, yet fighting. You can’t want this.”
With all that water, he managed to make me swallow saliva and dry my throat. I wanted exactly ‘this.’ That he made me feel desired, not pitied. I was a girl who wanted to be taken by the hand of someone who could make me a woman, to feel alive. Damn, he knew how to do it, wasn’t afraid to do so, nor feared the judgment of others, and was strong enough for both of us.
“I don’t want a good boy and I don’t want to think about the future. I want the man you are. I want you here and now.” I reached out my hand to lay it on his chest, stopping just in time as he pulled back. I brought it back. “If you don’t want me, here and now, as I am... I’ll leave you in peace.”
Remember?
Take me. Take me or lose me.
The answer I hoped for, didn’t come.
Vincent swallowed, clenching his mouth in a tight fold and clenching his fists to his hips. He sighed with an extension of the chest.
Apart from the torrential water, the distant sirens and the sound of tyres splashing thorough the puddles, there was only an unbearable silence.
I had used up all the force I had; the frost of his abstinence made my body numb, thirsty and exhausted. I was shivering and heartbroken. Beaten.
“You don’t want me anymore,” I said with a strain and a pain in my larynx. “I don’t understand, but you’ll have your reasons.” I picked up my shoes and, hunched, I started to walk away.
I was exhausted. I couldn’t take any more, but at least I knew I really given it my all. Yet it didn’t hurt any less.
The tears came all at once, flooding my face shaking from shivering and sobs. I couldn’t control it or stop it, I stumbled with a penetrating pain in my chest, until two arms encircled me from behind, capturing me and holding me against an imposing body. I recognized them instantly as they wrapped me all over, squeezing so hard they stopped my breath. And finally I could let go, letting my legs give way, sure that I’d be supported.
“I want you. Here, now and always,” he said, bending over my shoulder. “I want you more than I’ve ever wanted anything else in my life.”
I sobbed louder, but this time laughing, permeated by a joyful delight.
A moment later I turned and immediately found his mouth pressed against mine. He kissed me concentrating all his enthusiasm on my lips as he helped me cling to him and wrap my legs around his hips.
“Christ, you're frozen. You're shaking like a leaf.” He rummaged in his pocket to find his keys and rushed inside with me in his arms.
I closed my eyes, leaning against his neck, hoping that it wasn’t a dream. All I could do was keep clinging to him and never let go again.
Vincent climbed three floors carrying my weight as if I were a feather and once we were in his studio he lay me on the bed in the middle of the room. He took off all the soaked clothes, even my panties. I let him do it.
“I'm cold,” I said, giving up covering myself with my hands from embarrassment.
He took off his clothes quickly, throwing them to the floor, and placed his palms on my knees to separate them. He lay in between them, on top of me. “Now it’ll pass.”
His skin felt boiling, and then that heat came into me like a blade penetrating ice, blocking me on the bed. It took me over, making me moan as it burned, deeply branding me.
Little by little I shivered less, but it didn’t stop altogether, even though I was no longer cold.
“I missed you, baby,” he whispered into my ear.
“You too,” I panted, grabbing the edge of the bed to support his weight. “Don’t leave me,” I begged him feverishly.
“No, I won’t leave you again.” He took my wrists and lifted them to my head. “I've decided to keep you with me, baby girl, even though some people won’t like it. I'm tired of doing what’s good for others, I want to take what I want for once. So I’ll take you, because you’re my baby and because I love you. Maybe it’s not right, but that’s how it is, and the world can go and fuck itself.”
How long I’d waited to hear those words.
I completely abandoned myself, so happy, crying with joy and convulsing while he transported me, my defenses where completely down.
I’d fought and won. It was the first real battle of my life that was worth fighting for. There would be others, but that was the best one, that couldn’t have had a more dignified conclusion than our union on that stormy night, consumed on that stripped bed, covered only by us.
The stray wolf had found me bare foot, with my shoes in my hand. He had sniffed and bitten me, lacking faith, but I’d stroked him. So he, with cunning eyes, had led me into his den.
Because he’d understood what I was trying to tell him.
Because he had decided that I was his and nobody could dare tell him anything to the contrary.
Epilogue
Obviously, I got a terrible fever and stayed at Vincent’s house because he didn’t want me to face my parents in that condition. They tried to come and take me away, he threw them out, but promised them that he would take me home when I was better. He also added that he would no longer give me up and that he wasn’t going to change his mind.
A few days after I went home, I convinced Ambra to come home with me. We talked to my Dad together. He reacted in a way that neither of us expected: he embraced her and started crying like a baby asking for forgiveness and saying that despite his stupidity, God had decided to save his daughter. Watching that scene, I realized that Dad was a human being, and that the guilt that had tormented him for all those years was already a remarkable punishment. Mum found it harder to understand, in fact she moved to Aunt Frida’s for some time before realizing that even an infidelity couldn’t change how she felt for him. However, while Aron held Ambra in his arms as if she was a miracle, she tapped on his shoulder with her index and told him that it wasn’t God that saved her, but Vincent.
He rushed to his house and they talked late into the night.
Aron had once told Vincent that it would just take one sincere gesture to erase his mistakes. Well, Vincent was weird, and he’d made that generous and selfless act before he wronged Aron. He had brought up his daughter in his place and had been a man when he hadn’t had the courage to be.
This had the effect of putting everything in a different perspective. I was no longer the only one to have caused a scandal. By this I don’t mean that they openly approved of our relationship, but Vincent was adamant and no one tried to get between us. Not even my friends.
Niccolò received the photos for the painting. When he showed us the end result, I was impressed, I blushed so hard my cheeks caught on fire. I imagined I’d see myself, but what I didn’t expect was to see myself inside and out, I especially didn’t imagine that the wolf in that scene would have exactly Vincent's eyes. I was surprised that, unlike the other paintings, there was no violence in this one. Possessing me, the wolf held me in his arms, and although he was beastly, appeared to be protecting me. Greedy, but attentive in his massive bulk.
I was young, tender and overwhelmed, the fear overcome by adoration and trust. My body marked by invisible chains. It was amazing how many things one painting could say. And how many secrets lurked behind it.
Vincent liked it a lot, and it replaced the one above his bed.
Now it’s covered by a sliding mirror, but sometimes I still sneak off to admire it. And still I can feel the shiver and that inner voice.
Take me. Take me or lose me, wolf.
Acknowledgements
Thanks to my family, always ready to support me and anything that comes out of my pen and my little head. I love you a lot.
A heartfelt thank you to Sally who agreed to translate this novel with an enthusiasm that moved me. Every time I saw you I felt your positive charge and I am immensely happy to have met you!
I thank those who have chosen to read my novel and the bloggers who are a fundamental resource for all of us writers and book hunters: you do a priceless job with passion and generosity.
And of course a special thought goes to Robby.
You see? You insisted so much for me to write this novel and now it’s here. All thanks to you, because of your faith in me and your incessant attention. Thank you because once again you have stayed by my side from beginning to end, as you always do, giving the writing and life a better flavour: of beautiful tales that become reality.