I knew Sterling was joking, but it was closer to the mark than either of us wanted to admit. We’d known each other since our prep school days and I could count the number of days he’d worked a real job since I’d met him. Sure, we both came from families who were more than willing and able to support us, but I loved what I did. I would have gone nuts if I’d gone the pure trust-fund baby route and done nothing but hang out at the club and play racquet ball with the guys all day.
“I did try it once, Pratt. Didn’t stick, so I decided to try something else.”
“You’re incorrigible, Sterling.”
He winked and took a sip of his martini. “It’s why you love me and probably why you’ve never fucked me.”
I almost spit my drink out from laughing so hard. “Shit, man. Can you give me a warning or a heads-up when you say stuff like that?”
Sterling snickered and said, “That’s what he said. But speaking of work, when do you leave for Sacramento?”
“Seattle,” I corrected. “A week and a half. I’ve got some promo stuff for a couple of clients.”
“Yeah, yeah. I already heard about the clients. I want to hear about the reason you’re in such a good mood. Which, by the way, tell Jamie he still owes me dinner for helping him ditch that loser at The Terrace Bar.”
“You do know that happened almost five years ago.”
Sterling downed the rest of his martini and smiled. “And your point is?”
I thought that would be the end of it until Sterling added, “So who is it? And don’t tell me you’re in a good mood because you get to spend the week with Jamie and He-Whose-Name-You-Can’t-Even-Say without adding ‘Asshole’ to the end of it.”
I paused midsip of my rum and Coke, trying to find a way out of this one. Besides Jamie, Sterling knew me probably better than anyone else. I wasn’t ready to get all sleepover party gushy with him and reveal everything about Tyler. But I also knew he, unlike Jamie, would smell a lie a mile away and wouldn’t have the grace to let it go. I stared down at my drink, not wanting to see Sterling’s shit-eating grin.
“There’s a guy in Seattle I’ve seen a couple of times. Hell, I don’t know what we’re doing. I just know he’s different from any guy I’ve ever known. He’s quiet and serious and moody, but he’s also smart and funny and doesn’t take my shit. I don’t know where any of it’s going, but I like spending time with him.”
When I finally met Sterling’s gaze, not only did he have a shit-eating grin on his face, but he was shaking with laughter.
“Oh my God. You’re surrounded by thousands of single gay men in New York City, many of them just waiting for you to pick them up, and you choose someone all the way across the damn country to fuck? That’s rich, Pratt. Even for you.”
“Remind me again why I’m friends with you?”
Sterling tried, and failed, to stop laughing, but managed to get out, “Because I was there for your ass when Hayden Brockie broke your heart in sixth grade. That, and the fact we’ve never fucked.”
“Hayden Brockie did not break my heart, thank you very much. Just my pride.”
He patted my hand, but was still laughing, “Same difference, Pratt.”
“Again, remind me why I’m still friends with you?”
Somehow Sterling had signaled for another round of drinks because two fresh drinks were quickly deposited on our table by a scantily clad server. I took a drink to clear my head, but all this talk of Tyler just made everything muddier.
“About Ty—the guy in Seattle. One, we’re not fucking. Two, you’d know about plowing through the single male population of the city. And three, you’re an ass.”
“Admit it, you love me. And my ass.” He took another sip of his fresh martini, then pointed behind me. “Speaking of asses, yours is ringing.”
How Sterling heard my phone over the music pumping through the bar was anyone’s guess, but the moment I pulled it out and looked at the name on the screen, I was glad he was the nosy bastard he was.
“Hey there.” I yelled into the phone. “Your ears must be burning. I was just talking about you.”
I had to cram my phone against my ear to catch his reply. “That’s... apropos for today. You... to be doing... lot lately.”
Had I heard him right? Hell, had he even heard what I’d said first right? I tried to shout over the loud music in the bar.
“What’s wrong? I can barely hear you, so I feel like I’m missing something here.”
“Want to tell me about... And Ethan went off and said...Then I stupidly went... the cops...” None of it made sense and I couldn’t hear anything over the blaring music coming through the bar’s sound system. I could barely make out Ethan’s and Jamie’s names, coupled with something about an elementary school and cops. The one thing that came through my earpiece loud and clear was something had happened today, something more than just a snafu with a soufflé.
“Hold on, Tyler, the music’s too loud in here. Let me walk outside so I can hear you.”
Tyler all but yelled over the phone, “Did you hear what I said? Why did you tell Jamie when I asked you not?”
Wait, what? “I can’t hear you. Hold on a sec, Tyler.”
I’d just slipped off my bar stool when Sterling leaned forward and shouted over the music, “Ooh! Is that the boy toy from Seattle?”
My response was automatic after so many months of keeping what was going on between Tyler and me from Jamie and Ethan. “No. I mean, yeah. Shit. Shut the fuck up, Sterling.”
Sterling laughed and reached to grab my phone. “Let me talk to him. I want to know who keeps taking you away from me when you disappear on these mysterious trips of yours. Doesn’t he know I met you first?”
This was not happening. I yanked my phone away from Sterling and growled over the music, “For fuck’s sake, Sterling. Can’t you keep your fucking mouth shut for two minutes? And while I’m gone, keep your hands to yourself and don’t even think about touching my drink.”
I crammed the phone up against my ear as I headed to the exit. “Sorry about that, Sterling’s being a huge ass tonight. Lemme go outside so I can hear you better.”
Even over the music, I heard Tyler say, “Far be it for me to take you away from such a huge piece of ass. Especially one who called dibs on you before I did.”
Suddenly, there was nothing but silence coming through the earpiece of my phone. I had no clue what was going on with Tyler, but Sterling’s question, coupled with my response, couldn’t have helped the situation.
I threw Sterling a hard glare, then tore across the bar to the front doors. “Tyler? Tyler? Are you there? Dammit, Tyler. Say something.”
The moment I walked outside and could hear, I knew things were more fucked-up than I’d thought. I didn’t even have to look at my phone’s screen to tell me he’d hung up. As I repeatedly called his cell, fear began to weave itself around my confusion. The only words I’d caught were about Ethan, Jamie and his family. Had he seen them? But if he had, how did Ethan and Jamie factor into any of it?
After the fifth attempt at calling him, it was painfully obvious he wasn’t going to pick up, so I left a voice mail, hoping he’d at least listen to it and call me back.
“Totally clueless and freaking out here. You obviously don’t want to talk, but please, somehow, let me know you’re okay.”
I stared at my phone, willing it to ring, ping, anything, but there was nothing. After almost five minutes, I walked back into Solis and fished a few twenties out of my wallet, laying them on the table in front of Sterling.
“Whoa. Where’s the fire, Pratt?”
“I gotta go. Something’s wrong and I can’t even hear myself think, let alone figure out what’s going on over the music in here.”
Sterling had the audacity to smirk, then add, “You are so whipped. God, I never tho
ught I’d see the day when Trevor Pratt was dick whipped.”
All the confusion, fear and now anger surged inside me, snapping what little control I had left at that point. “Fuck you, Sterling.”
“Wow, you really do have it bad. And here I was thinking it was just a random piece of ass out there in Seattle.”
The urge to hit him, hit anything was so strong, I clenched my fists until I could feel my fingernails bite into my palm to prevent making the night even more fucked-up than it already was.
“Have you ever given a rat’s ass about anyone other than yourself in your entire life? I mean, really honestly given a shit about someone who’s in pain but no matter what you do, you can’t be there to help them through it?”
His blank stare gave me more of an answer than any words could have. “I feel sorry for you, Sterling.”
Without another word, I left the bar, flagging down the first cab I could find. Once we were in motion, I took my phone back out. Nothing. No voice mail. No text. Nothing to let me know Tyler was okay. More importantly, that he was safe.
Taking one last chance, I texted him.
* * *
I’m sorry—for all of it. Any of it. But I’m going crazy here. Please just tell me you’re okay.
A full five minutes passed before my phone pinged.
Nope, but I’ll survive. That’s what I do. Survive.
I had my fingers poised over the screen to reply when a second text came through.
I’m turning off my phone. Don’t bother calling or texting.
Tyler’s text hit me like a punch to the gut. When things had gone south the last time I was in Seattle, at least I’d been there to talk to him, face-to-face, to work out our apparent lack of communication. Not only was I clueless about what was going on with Tyler, but I honestly had no clue how to make any of this clusterfuck of a night better. As the minutes ticked by and the lights of the city passed by in a blur, I picked up my phone again and called the only person I knew who could help.
“Hey, Trev. We’re swamped. Can I call you back later?”
“Jamie. This can’t wait. I need your help. It’s about Tyler.”
“Hold on, Trev.”
There was some shuffling and Jamie’s murmured, “Be right back” before he asked, “What’s going on, Trevor?”
Suddenly frustrated with trying to pry information from across the country, I growled, “Well, that’s the twenty-four-million-dollar question, isn’t it?”
I could imagine the expression that went along with Jaime’s sigh. “Look, the restaurant is packed and I honestly don’t have a clue what you’re talking about, so can you give me the Cliffs Notes version so I can get back out there before we find our asses in the weeds?
A part of me wanted to tell Jamie the restaurant and Ethan could go fuck themselves, but instead I tried to calm the panic rising in my chest and asked, “Did anything happen at work today? With Tyler?”
A slight pause. “Ethan and I had a talk with him about school. Why?”
I closed my eyes to shut out the city below me as some of the pieces began to fall into place. “What am I missing here, J?”
“We confronted him with what you told me the other day. About wanting to switch majors. I didn’t say anything about you, but he knew we were disappointed he didn’t come to talk to us first.”
My gut began to churn as I gritted out, “Why didn’t you tell me you were going to talk to him?”
Jamie’s voice came out harsh and exasperated. “Why would I have? Look, Trev. Don’t take this the wrong way, but we’ve been swamped all damn week, so I’m not in the best mood to talk. I just need to know why you’re so worried about this?”
For someone who made money using his gift of gab, I didn’t know what to say. Tyler knew I’d talked to Jamie. One piece of the puzzle clicked into place, but there had to be more going on. More I’d missed. More that Jamie didn’t know or he’d have already reamed me out for it.
“I’m too busy to deal with any of this right now. Call me back when—”
“I fucked up, okay? I fucked up and now I don’t know what to do. You can tear me a new one later, but there’s something really wrong with Tyler and I’m going crazy knowing he’s hurting and there’s not a damn thing I can do about it.”
The pause on the other end of the line was just long enough for me to wonder whether Jamie was still there, when he finally spoke. “We’ve known each other a long time, Trev, but even I didn’t expect this from you.”
I crumpled against the cab’s window as Jamie’s condemnation echoed in my brain. “It’s not like that. Well, not exactly. We went out a few times, but it was more than that. I don’t know how to explain it any more than I care about the kid. He’s different than anyone I’ve ever met and I’m pretty sure I fucked that up by telling you about his school stuff. And now he’s two thousand miles away, and thinks I’m out getting a piece of ass with Sterling, and there’s not a damn thing I can do to make any of this right.”
Another pause. “Of all the people you had to choose from, Trev, did you have to pick Tyler?”
“Jamie, you have to believe me when I say I didn’t mean for any of this to happen.”
“And yet, it did. I’m too tired to deal with any of this right now. Ethan and I will handle things with Tyler, but for now, just give it some space. With all of us.”
My stomach cramped as Jamie’s words sank in. “But there’s got to be more. I swear, there’s more going on with Tyler than just your talk with him.”
“And we’ll handle it. At some point you and I will talk about what’s going on with Tyler, but I’m not in the right frame of mind right now and I don’t want to say anything either of us will regret. I’ll call you later this week when I know more.”
“Jamie—”
He cut me off and added, “Until then, let it go. Ethan and I will handle it.”
Before I say anything else, the call disconnected. Over the ten years I’d known Jamie, I could count the number of times he’d hung up on me on one hand. Jamie was always the calm, collected one. The one who always knew what to say and how to handle a problem. The fact that I was now the problem hurt almost as much as this whole thing with Tyler. The rest of the cab ride flew by in a haze. I didn’t remember making it into my condo, but at some point, I looked up from my couch and realized I’d been sitting there for almost two hours with my phone still clutched in my hand.
I tossed my phone aside and turned to stare out the balcony window that looked out over the city. New York was still thrumming with activity, even though it was well past midnight. The world kept going when all I wanted was for it to stop and rewind itself so I could stop last night from happening. As I watched the people below go on about their business, I silently willed my phone to ring. Another two hours passed and I was still looking out my window, but my phone hadn’t rung once.
Chapter Twenty-Six
Tyler
As soon as I pressed Send, I powered off my phone. Everything in me wanted to hurl it across the room, watch it smash into tiny jagged pieces as it hit the wall. Instead I tossed it on the coffee table in front of me, not willing to risk having another bill I could barely pay.
I looked around the apartment and realized there was very little of me in it. Sure I’d picked up some of the furniture from secondhand stores, but there wasn’t one thing in the apartment I’d bought new. Hell, even the apartment was still in Ethan’s name.
My parents were right about me. Not for the reasons they thought, but they’d been right all along. I’d never regret them finally finding out I was gay. Hiding it from everyone around me had been whittling away at my sanity and I knew I wouldn’t have lasted much longer if they hadn’t found me with Keith in my bedroom. But, I was a failure at everything I touched. Ethan and Jamie. Trevor. My family. I
’d screwed up all of them because I was either too scared to trust, or too naive and trusted too much.
It had been stupid to call Trevor, a knee-jerk reaction to all the calls and texts we’d been trading this past month. What had I expected? For him to be sitting home waiting for my call? That I’d spill everything about disappointing Ethan and Jamie? That he’d apologize for breaking the trust I’d placed in him to keep the one single secret I’d shared with him?
Sadly, that’s exactly what I’d expected. Instead, he’d been out with someone else at a club. Someone Trevor could wine and dine, then have some fun on the side before he went back to his high-rise condo in New York, where he had friends who obviously knew him a lot better than I did and parents who loved him enough to meet him for lunch even though he was openly gay.
Too overwhelmed to move, I toed off my shoes and curled up on the futon. In that moment, I felt more alone than I’d ever been on the streets, and as I curled my body up tighter on the futon, I let the tears that had been threatening all day fall down my cheeks and onto the cushions below.
* * *
I woke up sometime in the middle of the night and moved to my bed, briefly checking my phone before passing out again. Ten more texts from Trevor, four from Ethan and two from Jamie. As soon as I heard Trevor’s voice, I deleted the message. Jamie’s and Ethan’s were brutal enough to listen to. My chest ached as I listened to message after message from Ethan and Jamie. Ethan’s got increasingly panicked, his final only consisting of two words, “Call us.”
In the darkness of my bedroom, I typed out an email to my professor telling him I wouldn’t be in class. I hadn’t been absent a single time since starting in the fall. I was due a mental health day and if they didn’t like it, they could suck it. Next came a short text to both Jamie and Ethan telling them I was at home, but I wasn’t feeling well and didn’t want to get anyone else sick. I knew they’d see through it, but I was too tired to come up with a better excuse. I didn’t know what to say to Trevor, so I turned off my phone and set it on my bedside table.
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