In the Distance

by Eileen Griffin

  Thanks for sending Claire over. Feeling better and will be at B30 for my next shift. I’m so sorry. For everything.

  Ethan’s reply came almost immediately.

  Water under the bridge, but ditto. Remind me to buy my sister something nice. Glad you’re feeling better. We’ll see you at the restaurant tomorrow.

  I would still apologize to both him and Jamie in person. They deserved more than an impersonal text. Way more. Before I lost my nerve, I found the number of my academic advisor and left her a voice mail about coming in to talk about changing my major. I still wasn’t sure I could swing the extra tuition, but I was finished ignoring what I truly wanted.

  Which just left one thing on my list. Trevor. My head and heart were still all jumbled up about what I wanted. I’d learned the hard way that trust was a fragile thing, easily broken, even between people you considered your family. Being with Trevor had made me realize how alone I’d been for far too long. But last night had also made me realize that sometimes it was better to be alone for the right reasons, than with someone for the wrong. And right now, I had too many other things in my life to sort out to worry about whether we were right for each other or wrong.

  As I leaned back on my futon and closed my eyes, I wasn’t sure if I was comforted by that thought, or not.

  Chapter Twenty-Seven

  Trevor

  Mid-April

  “Hey, Tyler. I have no idea if you’re listening to these messages or if you’re just deleting them, but I’m sorry. I never should have opened my big mouth and talked to Jamie about school after you trusted me just to listen. I’m even sorrier for Sterling’s shitty comments and for everything else you heard. I swear to God it wasn’t what it sounded like. I don’t even know what’s really going on because the damn music was too loud for me to hear anything besides something about Ethan and Jamie and the cops. I called the restaurant, worried out of my mind, but Ethan answered and told me to fuck off before hanging up on me. I figured you’d get a kick out of that.” I paused, my stomach churning as I tightened my grip on my phone. “Just one text. One phone call. Then I promise I’ll leave you alone. I’m just scared something is really wrong, and I don’t want it to end this way.”

  There was nothing else to say I hadn’t already said in the countless texts and voice mails I’d left him. At first, I’d been pissed. Tyler had refused to answer any of my calls or texts, no matter how many I sent. I hadn’t spoken to Jamie since the morning he’d hung up on me and had only exchanged one set of texts.

  My question of “Any update on Tyler?” was answered with, “He’ll be fine. He just needs time to deal with some stuff. I’ll call you if anything happens, but for now, let him have some peace.”

  In essence, Jamie had given me the politest fuck-you he could, effectively ending the conversation we’d barely started.

  A year ago, I would have taken Jamie’s advice as a convenient out. A way to avoid dealing with the drama associated with the relationships I’d expertly kept at bay all these years. Today, however, I was pissed at him for keeping me out of the loop. Pissed that Tyler was freezing me out when all I wanted to do was dig in my claws and hold on. Pissed at myself for fucking up the one thing I hadn’t wanted, but now couldn’t fathom losing.

  “Shit!” I threw my pen across the room and buried my head in my hands. Everything in me screamed not to let it end like this. I was a pro at keeping shit casual, but I didn’t want casual with Tyler. After going behind his back, I knew I didn’t deserve his trust, but losing him was unimaginable. Another voice in my head, however, told me maybe, just maybe, it would be better for everyone if we all just walked away. Ethan and Jamie would be happier knowing I wasn’t playing around with their adopted little brother, and Tyler would most definitely be happier without a manwhore like me making his already difficult life that much harder.

  I glanced at the itinerary for this weekend one last time before I picked up my phone, scrolling through the contacts until I found the one I needed.

  “Skylight Travel. This is Debbie speaking. What I can do for you today?”

  “Hey, Debbie, it’s Trevor Pratt. I need to make some last-minute changes to my trip to Seattle this weekend.”

  * * *

  The gray sky above had been threatening to open up and rain for the past hour. Luckily, it had held off—the only luck I’d had this past week. As if on cue, a few drops began to fall around my feet.

  “Fucking Seattle weather.” I huddled closer to the building, still keeping my eyes trained on the direction of the closest bus stop. I hadn’t told anyone I was coming in a day early. I wasn’t scheduled to meet with Natalie until the end of my trip, and Jamie and I weren’t scheduled to meet up until Saturday morning for our drive to Vancouver for his book signing. And Tyler? At this point, I figured Tyler wasn’t even listening to my voice mails or reading the texts I sent. When I’d changed my flight, I’d known I was taking a risk coming in a day early just to talk to him. One way or another, we both deserved to finally have whatever we were feeling out in the open so we could move on without having to wonder what-if. As the scattered droplets of rain turned into a steady drizzle, I knew any luck I’d been holding on to with this weather, or the entire blasted trip, had run out.

  After almost an hour, I was just about to give up and go back to the hotel when I saw him. It was dark and I was easily sixty yards away, but everything in my body recognized Tyler immediately. It wasn’t until he placed his foot on the first step to his building’s entrance that he noticed me.

  For a moment, I swear time stood still. His eyes widened in surprise, then, as quickly as it had come, all emotion bled away. I wasn’t sure what I expected. Anger? Surprise? Both of those would have been normal reactions. Seeing him look through me with no emotion one way or another made me question if the past few months had meant anything to him at all.

  Panicking, I followed him up the stairs and did what I did best when stressed. I rambled.

  “I would have called to let you know I was here, but I think there must be something wrong with my phone provider because I suspect a lot of calls haven’t been going through this week.”

  He finally met my gaze again, but said nothing. We stood there, in the light rain and looked at each other. After a few seconds, he continued up the steps into his building.

  “I get it. I fucked up. Worse than that, I went behind your back with something you told me in confidence. And even though I don’t deserve it, I’m begging you to talk to me.”

  Tyler paused outside his door to fish his keys out of his pocket. Sensing this was my last chance to talk to him, I added, “You probably won’t believe this, but I lost it after you hung up. I replayed every word I’d heard you say, then ran through every fucking scenario I could in an attempt to make sense of what was going on, each one worse than the last. Tomorrow you can go back to hating me for all the things I did wrong—and trust me, I know the list is a fucking mile long—but tonight, please, just talk to me.”

  Still looking at the door, Tyler finally answered me. “I said I was fine.”

  It was a smart-ass move, but I was tired, wet and slowly losing patience. “Well, there’s our breakdown of communication. Because in New York, ‘I’m fine’ never means you’re really fine.”

  With more fire in his eyes than I’d ever seen, Tyler finally looked at me and laughed, the sound cold and humorless. “Why do you care? About any of this? You have your life, your good-looking rich friends, your money. Why are you worried about a former homeless kid like me? You couldn’t possibly miss any of this shit. Oh, wait. I forgot. You missed your boy toy. Silly me. Sorry. He has the night off. He’s too busy slumming it trying to make money for rent and food to worry about being at your beck and call.”

  His words cut deeper than the blank look he’d given me earlier. I hadn’t come here to fight and spew venom at each
other, and yet here we were flinging our words at each other like weapons.

  “You’re not my boy toy. Shit, Tyler. I shouldn’t even have to tell you that. I’m trying to tell you I’m sorry here. I know you’re pissed, but you have to believe me when I say Sterling’s a fucking idiot who has no clue who you are and what you mean to me.”

  Tyler’s eyes widened in surprise, but he didn’t say anything.

  “I fucked up. I get that. And I’ve been trying to remedy that for the past week. You have no idea how much I’ve been looking forward to this trip. Not because of Jamie’s book signing or Natalie’s promo shit, but because I couldn’t wait to see you again. Please, just talk to me before you slam the door in my face.”

  I’d never been good at this stuff. As crappy as I was at it, though, I wasn’t leaving without a fight.

  Tyler looked me in the eyes one last time before turning back to the door and unlocking it. For a moment, I expected him to slam it in my face. Instead, he met my gaze again, his expression no longer blank. This was a Tyler I’d never seen before. As I searched his eyes for any of the quiet, shy man I’d driven home months ago, but all I saw was a hardened, bitter version of him.

  “You want to talk? Fine, we can talk. But then I’m walking into my apartment, alone, to crash, because it’s been a helluva long day. No, scratch that. It’s been a long-ass week. In the past seven days, I’ve met with my advisor and my bosses so I can officially change my course of study. I still have no clue how I’m going to cover the cost of the extra tuition, but I’ll deal with that when I have to. Me. On my own without anyone swooping in to save poor little old Tyler. In addition to school stress, I had to mend my relationship with the two people who have looked out for me from day one. I hurt them, not because I changed my major, but because I was too chickenshit to tell them what was going on. I’m working really hard to regain their trust, but I know their hurt goes far deeper than just being disappointed. They’re the only family I have and I pissed all over them when I didn’t trust them enough to accept me. All of me. On top of everything, I was reminded of why trust was so fucking important. After the weekend of the gala, you asked me to trust you. To trust that you wouldn’t lie to me. More importantly, to trust that I wasn’t just a booty call for you whenever you were on the West Coast. How ironic that it took your New York boy toy to remind me just how easily trust can be broken.”

  Tyler paused and chuckled, but the sound was distorted and dark. It didn’t sound anything like the Tyler I’d first met.

  “I should probably thank you, though. If you hadn’t broken your promise to me and told Jamie about my doubts with the culinary program, I wouldn’t have realized how important they are to me. So, in a roundabout way, thanks for fucking me over and telling my boss things I specifically asked you not to talk to him about.”

  I winced.

  “Tyler, I’m sorry. I never meant to—”

  “Save it. Like I said, we’re working on it and it was probably a good thing in the end. The kicker about all this, though, is that not only did I find out you’d talked to Jamie behind my back, but I finally went to parents’ house to see my sister and brother. Remember the advice you gave me? The part that suggested I go see them, because what’s the worst that could happen, right? Well, I found out that parents are more than willing to call the cops on their freak-of-nature son.”

  Shock rolled through me. “What?”

  Another mirthless snort. “Yeah. Dear old Mom and Dad didn’t like the fact I wanted to spread my gay pride germs to my siblings and called the police. Pathetic, huh? I’m such a freakish abomination to them they didn’t even bat an eye when the cops led me off the property.”

  “Oh my God, Tyler. Why didn’t you tell me any of this? I know you’re pissed at me for talking to Jamie, but I can help. I want to help. Hell, I’ll help cover the cost of your tuition. It can be a loan, even though I couldn’t care less about you paying me back. And your parents. Shit, I know it’s a fucked-up situation, but I’m willing to do anything. Tell me how I can help and I’ll make it happen.”

  Tyler stood up straighter and looked me dead in the eye.

  “That’s funny coming from you, Trevor. Because I did call you for help. Not for money or pity, but because out of all the people in my life, you were the first person I wanted to talk to. It hurt you’d talked to Jamie behind my back, but I still called you. Not Jamie. Not Ethan. You. But you were too busy partying with your friend who seemed to know way more about me than I did about him.”

  Tyler closed his eyes, the pain of everything that had happened etched on his face before he continued. “The thing is, I don’t know what you want from me. Was I just a replacement for Jamie? A Jamie 2.0 who needed saving from his evil parents and school debt? Because I gotta tell you, if that’s what you want, I’ll give you directions to the nearest homeless shelter. I’m sure there are plenty of people who want or need saving. As for me, I’ll save myself, thank you very much.”

  When he looked back up at me, his eyes were glassy, but resolute. “Like I said before, it’s been a helluva week and I have to study for my midterms if I want to keep my grades up to stay in good standing with my scholarship and financial aid. I’m just a boy toy, after all. Not really someone worth talking to. But don’t worry, I have Claire and Ethan and Jamie to talk to, so forgive me if I’m all talked out now.”

  Then, I watched as Tyler stepped back and slammed the door in my face. I wanted to pound on the door and scream until he opened it back up, but the look in his eyes had told a different story, though. For Tyler, all of this was over.

  I leaned my forehead against the cold wood of his door, silently willing him to come back and open it. I stayed that way until I knew he wasn’t going to, then turned and walked down the stairs, each step away from him more painful than the last.

  Chapter Twenty-Eight

  Tyler

  I know you’ll probably just delete this, but I’m in town until next Sunday. That’s 8 days. Just in case you were wondering.

  I’d barely finished reading the first text when a second one came through.

  Forgot to mention, but I’m at the Alexis on 1st. Again. Just in case you were wondering.

  I hovered my finger over the screen, pushed Delete and slipped my phone back in my back pocket.

  * * *

  I should have deleted it before I listened to it, but I caved and played the voice mail.

  “Hey, Tyler. Again, I know you’ll probably delete this before listening to it, but I’m at Legendary Doughnuts. When I’m stressed, I eat doughnuts. Not the healthiest way to deal with stress, but I’ll punish myself in the hotel’s fitness room later. I’ll be here for at least the next hour reading the paper and trying to decide if I really need the bacon and Oreo-topped doughnut. I’m pretty sure I’m going to cave soon and order it, but I need a second opinion. They have one here that’s topped with s’more stuff. It looks like something you might like. So, I’ll be here at least another hour. Maybe longer, just in case you wanted to join me for a heart attack on a plate.”

  It had been three days. Three days of Jamie walking on eggshells around me. Three days of him and Ethan ignoring the fact Trevor was in town. Three days of wondering what would happen if I returned his texts and calls. But just like I’d done with the others, I pressed the number seven on my keypad, deleting Trevor’s message and trying like hell to forget the sound of his voice.

  No sooner had I exited out of that screen when a text message came through. I stared at a monstrosity of a doughnut covered with Oreos and gummy worms.

  Did I forget to mention they also have these? They truly are something you have to see to believe. Still here. In case you were wondering.

  For a second, I smiled, remembering all the insane pictures Trevor had sent me from New York over the past few months. But pictures and funny texts weren’t th
e same thing as being able to trust someone. I hovered my finger over the delete key, but instead, closed the screen. I’d keep it to show the guys at Bistro 30. I kept trying to convince myself of that as I tucked my phone in my backpack and headed in school.

  * * *

  “Hey, Tyler. It’s me, Trevor. Again. I leave with Jamie for Vancouver in the morning. It’s a short trip with a few book signings and an appearance on their local morning show, so I’ll be back on Friday. I have a few things to tie up with Natalie, but other than that I’m free...Please don’t do this. I’m sorry. God, for everything. I’m sorry. Just please don’t shut me out. Please...In case you’re actually listening to this instead of deleting it, I want you to know I’ve never done this. With anyone. In fact, I’ve never had to and, more importantly, never even wanted to try. But I swear, I’m trying now. I don’t want to lose tomorrow or next week or next month with you because we couldn’t get past this. I’m just asking you to meet me halfway, because I honestly don’t know what else to do to show you I don’t want this to be it for us...I’ll be back in Seattle on Friday, just in case you were wondering.”

  “Tyler, did you get those potatoes ready for the au gratin?”

  I jumped at the sudden voice behind me, almost dropping my phone on the kitchen floor.

  “Whoa, sorry. I didn’t mean to sneak up on you. Ethan’s always said I should wear a bell around my neck.”

  I laughed nervously, tucking my phone into my back pocket, praying Jamie hadn’t heard Trevor’s most recent voice mail.

  “What? You need a bell with your freakishly silent skill of being able to sneak up on people.”

  Jamie turned to Ethan, his smile affectionate and exasperated at the same time. “You just like the thought of me in a bell, E. Admit it.”

  I watched as Ethan checked his husband out. “Well, that, too. But trust me, I wouldn’t be tying the bell around your neck.”