Shit. It was true. But, really, she was moving?
“I didn’t think it was a secret,” her sister said. “Sorry.”
“You’re moving for sure?” Fran asked.
“I applied for a job with a group of psychologists in Chicago,” Bella said quietly. “I’m still thinking about it. It’s not—definite yet.” This time, she looked directly at Roman.
“What is this, Chicago?” Vito said. “You don’t tell your own family you’re leaving?”
Or him. It didn’t make Roman feel better that she hadn’t told her family. He’d been under the mistaken impression that they’d shared something special. Special enough that she would have at least mentioned her plans.
Clearly, he was wrong.
Silence fell over the table. Everyone seemed to be concentrating on eating. Even the baby was quiet.
“Look, I’ve been in Mirror Lake my whole life,” Bella said. “Maybe I need a little change.”
A little change? Just when they’d reconnected and it had been so . . . explosive between them. Or maybe he was the only one who thought that.
“I’m going to cut the pie,” Bella said.
“I’ll help you,” Ethan said, hurrying to stand up.
Roman stood and addressed Vito. “I wanted to thank you for having me over, Mr. D’Angelo.” He looked over at Fran and nodded. Then he caught Bella’s eye, just for a second. But he couldn’t read what she was thinking.
“I’ll see you out,” she offered.
“Don’t bother,” he said. “I’ll see myself out. It’s no trouble.”
But she followed him to the door. He spun to face her in the tiny foyer. As a rule, he tried not to speak when he was upset. But he had to know. “Why didn’t you tell me you were leaving?”
“I haven’t decided for sure yet. That decision’s been in progress for a while. I guess I—I wasn’t sure of what we have, Roman. It happened so suddenly.” Her gaze flicked up at him. “What do we have?”
The question caught him off guard. Her refusal to acknowledge him over dinner, coupled by how Ethan was everyone’s favorite son—how even Joey gravitated to him—had made him testy, so he said, “A communication problem, obviously.” He stopped in front of her. “Yeah. I get it. You aren’t sure of what we have.”
Funny thing was, he thought he’d known exactly what they had. Something great. Which she obviously didn’t get, did she? He walked past her and out of the door, feeling like he was eighteen again, rejected and wanting her far more than she’d ever wanted him.
CHAPTER 18
Roman sat on the couch in his living room opposite his brother and tented his fingers together in thought. Drew sat slumped, watching a baseball playoff game and eating his way through a bag of something crunchy and orange that smelled a little like gym shoes. He pointed the open mouth of the bag in Roman’s direction. “Want some?” he asked.
“Thanks, but I’ll pass.” Roman pretended to check out the game, but it didn’t really register. He couldn’t seem to concentrate on anything other than Bella.
It didn’t sit well with him that she’d pretended to her entire family that she wasn’t seeing him.
And the Chicago thing had really blindsided him.
Oh, he understood about her father still hating him, and Ethan being the son-in-law he wished he had, and even Joey seemed to love Ethan, too. Maybe Vito would never forgive him for the past. Roman was no stranger to not belonging. But, dammit, he wanted a chance to prove who he was. And that was not someone to be embarrassed of. He’d always treated Bella with respect, and whatever had happened between them, he’d always wanted the best for her. So why in God’s name would she deny that they were seeing one another?
He’d been blindsided and hurt when she’d let him go the first time. Now, all these years later, he’d been more than eager to sweep those hurt feelings under the rug, explain them away as being from a time when they were both young, that losing the baby was such a trauma, the anger of her father was so all encompassing, and Bella’s obligation to her brother was so strong. Bella had certainly suffered in the aftermath of the pregnancy as far as the town was concerned, and he felt a sense of guilt for that.
She’d been so reluctant to give them a shot again that he hadn’t pushed her for explanations. Maybe he hadn’t really wanted to know why she didn’t want to plunge full speed ahead into a relationship.
He’d known from the beginning that it would be a huge mistake to want something bigger out of this. With their past, all those messy feelings . . .
Yet he’d still wanted to shout her name from the rooftops, and he couldn’t for the life of him understand why she didn’t, too.
“There’s another game on after this one, bro,” Drew said, still chomping on his snack. “Go grab a beer.”
His brother needed an intervention, but for right now that was beyond his capabilities. Too upset. He debated calling Bella, but he wasn’t sure that was a good idea right now. Plus his pride was a little wounded.
A knock on the screen door had him jumping up. As soon as he saw Bella’s pretty face peering at him through the door, crazy relief washed through him in a big wave. Maybe everything was bothering her, too. They would talk it through once and for all. Just holding her in his arms would make it better and bring some clarity. Then he could take her back to his bedroom and plant kisses all over her sweet, soft skin until they both forgot all about this nonsense.
As soon as Roman opened the door, her dog flew into the house like it was Christmas morning and shot directly to Drew’s side, where she zeroed in on the cheese curl bag and sat there thumping her tail.
Drew tossed a couple of curls, and the dog snatched them up faster than a baseball player snapping up a ground ball off a line drive, just as Bella said, “Oh, please don’t feed her any . . . oh well.” She smiled a little at Roman and shrugged as she set two glass storage containers on the counter. “I brought some leftover lasagna. And some dessert. The coconut cream pie.”
He didn’t care about the food. All he wanted was to make everything good again between them. Because he was so afraid it wasn’t.
The hope of real food got Drew off the couch to come and peek under the lids. “I’m starving. Wow, that looks amazing. Thanks, Bella.”
Roman cut his brother a glare, but he was too busy inspecting the food and talking about how wonderful it was to notice.
“Um, maybe we could go for a walk?” Bella asked Roman.
Drew must have sensed the somewhat tense vibe between them. “I tell you what,” he said. “I’ll just take a little of this back to my room and watch television with my headphones on and not disturb anybody.” He snagged the lasagna container with all the subtlety of Gracie with the cheese curls. “Have a good night, folks.”
“Let’s go out on the porch,” Roman said, steering her away from Drew. Not that he didn’t like his brother, but Drew needed a shower. And another place to live.
“So dinner didn’t go so well,” Bella said, sitting down on the top porch step. Gracie plopped herself down beside her, edging closer until her head rested on Bella’s leg. She seemed to realize she’d hit the jackpot getting Bella for a mom and was more than happy to display eternal doggie gratefulness.
Suddenly, he found himself a little jealous. Of the dog. And of the sitting-next-to-Bella part.
“Your dad seemed to like the apples,” Roman said, because it was the only positive thing he could think of right now.
“He did. But I’m talking about the rest of it.”
“Yeah. The rest of it.” He stood leaning against the house, his hands drilled down into his pockets, trying not to act hurt or pissed off. But the simple truth was, he was a bit of both. Okay, a lot of both.
“I’m sorry about today, Roman. But I didn’t think that was a good moment to go public with our . . . with our—”
“Seems like you don’t think it’s a relationship or you wouldn’t be avoiding the word.” He sat down next to her so he could see h
er face. Her lips were drawn in a tight line, and she was fidgeting her hands. Other than knowing she was uncomfortable, he had no idea what she was thinking, but it was time to find out. “You were the one with the rules, Bella. You were the one who decided to be secretive. You were the one who wanted to keep it casual.”
How ironic that the roles were reversed from every relationship he’d had since her. That he’d never gunned for a relationship like this since he did for her twelve years ago. None of the other ones mattered. But he couldn’t force his will on her. He couldn’t make her love him. Was that what he was trying to do, the typical child-of-an-alcoholic behavior, wanting to have control?
Bella’s hands dropped to her lap, where he noticed she clenched them tightly together. “I came here so we could have a talk and get things out in the open. I have a few things to say to you that I feel are important, and maybe might help you understand why I didn’t want to come out and tell my family about us. Frankly, it’s kind of a miracle you and my father were under the same roof just now and I didn’t have to call 911.”
He didn’t care about what her father thought. And he certainly wasn’t going to allow Vito to control their relationship. “Why are you so afraid of what your family thinks? You’re thirty years old. I don’t understand why you can’t do what you want.” He paused. “And if there’s any doubt about it, you’re more to me than just a good time. But it seems to me you’re still kowtowing to your father, even after all these years.”
Bella froze. She sat up too straight, her posture rigid. “He’s my father,” she said with a halfhearted shrug. “I have to be respectful of him.”
Fine. He got that, but where did he fit into all this? She seemed to want to please everyone but him. “And Ethan, too? After all these years, you haven’t seemed to be able to get rid of him, either. Maybe there’s something more going on there.”
“Ethan and I are just friends.”
“Maybe you should tell that to him. Because the man has it for you bad.” Oh boy, he was really putting his foot in it, but he couldn’t seem to stop.
“Ethan’s been a good friend to me for all these years. When coming back didn’t seem to cross your radar.”
“You made sure I never came back. You made it clear you were done with me. And maybe I just didn’t get the hint. But it’s okay. I get the hint now. I’m not even someone you consider important enough to tell that you’re leaving town.” Roman sighed heavily. “Truth is, I need someone to meet me halfway. I need you to be invested. I wanted us to have a real chance this time, Bella, but I can’t do it by myself. And frankly, I’m done living the past. I want us to be about now, about the future.”
“Sometimes, it’s not just about you and me,” Bella said quietly. Her face held a deadpan expression, so unlike her usual animated passion.
Roman frowned. “What are you talking about?”
“I—things were very confusing back then. I want you to know I did love you with all my heart.”
“Bella, we have a hell of a past together, but I want it to stop defining us. I want something with you in the here and now, but if you don’t want that too, what good is it?”
Exasperated, she threw up her hands. “Fine, you want me to meet you halfway? I will.” She sat there, frozen, as if she were about to speak, but no words came out.
Puzzled, he watched as she walked over to lean against the porch railing, sucking in the cool night air. She was acting so strangely, so hesitantly, so unlike herself. What the hell was wrong? What was she about to tell him?
Slowly, she turned to him, grasping the top of the railing tightly with her fists. “After I lost the baby, I never wanted to let you go. When I told you I’d had enough and I needed a break, it was a lie. Letting you go was the hardest thing I’ve ever done.”
“I—I don’t understand.” A lie? She’d lied?
“My father threatened to cut me off from the family if I saw you again. From Joey. I couldn’t let that happen. He was too . . . young. Too dependent on me. Too alone from not having our mother.” Her voice cracked and tears began to well up in her eyes. Part of him wanted to run to her, hold her, kiss her. Take all of this pain away. But he was too damn shocked. He couldn’t quite process what she was saying.
“Why didn’t you just tell me the truth?” he asked. “We told each other everything. Why did you lie?”
“I knew how stubborn you were. How you were always so upstanding, such a rescuer. I knew you’d stay here, in town, and I knew I wouldn’t be able to stay away from you. And I knew you wouldn’t get to do any of the things you’d dreamed of doing—go out West to school, study brewing and distillation. See the country.”
Roman leaned against one of the porch columns and stared at her. Tears rolled down her face, her makeup running right along with the tears, and out of desperation she wiped her nose with the arm of her sweatshirt.
But he couldn’t comfort her. A great wave of anger welled up inside of him, made him actually tremble. All the hurt he’d felt! He felt the searing slice of it as much now as then. All the years he’d tried to forget her but couldn’t, not really. What was it all for? Wasted years. All because of her father’s manipulative threat.
“Say something, Roman. Please.” She looked devastated. “I didn’t want to get involved with you again. It took me years after you left to move on. The men I moved on with were ones I could never love like I love you.”
The love part barely registered. She loved him? How could she say that after years of deceit? He shook his head. “I’ve never been anything but honest with you. You lied to me—a lie that lasted twelve years. How could you do that, Bella? Did you think so little of me that I wouldn’t understand? Did you even realize you cut off my choices just like your father cut off yours?”
Oh God, his harsh words made her cry more, and he knew he was being an asshole, but his fury would not abate. “Roman,” she said, her voice hoarse, barely a whisper. “I’m so sorry.”
The pieces fit together a little bit more now. Her reluctance to get involved, to speak up about their relationship. But he felt so betrayed. For being the woman he’d loved more than anyone, how could she sustain such a lie over such a long time? It was a horrendous breach of trust.
He trawled his fingers through his hair. Every time he breathed, a stabbing pain knifed him in the chest. “Look, maybe we were wrong to start this up again.”
Her eyes widened in shock. “Is that what you really think?”
“Yeah.” Too complicated. Too messy. Too much hurt.
Her eyes were swollen and red. She kept swiping at them and wiping her hands on her jeans. He had to stop looking at her, because doing so blunted his anger, and he didn’t want his anger to die down. His shock and hurt were too raw. Instead, he crossed his arms and looked out across his orchards. Those damn trees, all in tidy, precise lines. Funny, but everything in his carefully ordered life was scattered to the winds now.
“Are you . . . are you breaking up with me?” Her voice sounded small and far away, but she stood straight, the posture of a woman who’d endured her share of pain. And who didn’t think enough to share it with him.
“I guess I am.”
“Okay, fine, then.” She walked over to where Gracie lay curled up on a cushioned chair, and tugged her by the collar. “Come on, Gracie.” The dog jumped down and immediately started to head over to Roman. But he had nothing for her in his pockets today. He was empty. Bella had to tug again, because the dog’s legs were practically cemented to the floor, but she finally got her off the porch. And both of them disappeared into the woods.
CHAPTER 19
“Arabella.”
She’d almost made it to the stairs again without making a sound. And she’d tried really, really hard to be absolutely silent because she did not want to talk with her father. Or anyone for that matter. If it weren’t for that darn dog lapping up her water so noisily, Bella would’ve turned the corner from the kitchen to the stairs and been home free.
“Come here for a minute.”
Dammit, no. Not now. Her head was splitting and her eyes were leaking and she probably—make that definitely—looked like a raccoon from her makeup running. “Do you need anything?”
“Yeah. I need you to come in here.”
Bella rolled her eyes. Wiped her eyes and nose again on her sweatshirt sleeve. Took a deep breath. Walked into the living room to face her father.
It had stung her when Roman said she’d been kowtowing to her father for years, and when would it ever end? He was right; she hadn’t been honest with Vito, either. She’d never dared to talk with him about her feelings for Roman. She’d been too afraid of his anger, of losing the little scraps of approval he occasionally tossed out.
Her father was sitting in his usual chair, the stick lamp beside it the only illumination in the room. He folded his paper and peered at her over his reading glasses. She didn’t often think about how her father looked to the rest of the world, but he was still relatively young. He was strong. Some might even call him handsome, in a weathered kind of way.
“You were with him, that Greek.” It was just a simple statement. Not said in anger, exactly, just with a twinge of his usual pass of judgment on the fact that Roman was not, nor would he ever be, Italian. Nothing she hadn’t heard many a time before.
But it made her stiffen. “Yeah, Dad, I went over there to talk to Roman.”
“You’re involved with him again?”
“No, I’m not involved with him again.” That was the truth, as of ten minutes ago anyway, and saying it made tears flow again. “If you don’t need anything, I’m going to bed.” Walk away now, a voice inside her head said.
“Good. I knew you were too smart to go down that road again.”
She tried to turn away—honest, she did. Maybe it was that his words had rubbed that newly chafed part of her, already raw from losing him again. Or the fact that she was thirty years old and he still had too much power over her decisions. Either way, something inside of her snapped, and words rose up in her throat that she couldn’t keep back.
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