by Natasha West
‘Look at me.’
I couldn’t do it, it felt too dangerous to look at her, as though she’d know what I’d been thinking. Then she walked over to me and we were inches apart and I could feel my heart racing again.
‘Look at me, Penny.’ she said more softly.
And finally I looked up and I found myself looking right into her soulful, brown eyes. I was shocked by what I saw in them. They were telling me with total clarity that she knew how I felt about her and that she wanted me too, as much I wanted her. Knowing that drove everything else in my mind away. In that moment, nothing else mattered and nothing else existed except her.
Before I had time to think about it or doubt myself, I slipped my hands around her face and pulled her toward me. She came to me eagerly and kissed me hard and deep and I could feel myself pulsating with desire immediately. Her hands reached around my back and travelled down, caressing my bottom and I couldn’t wait another second for what I’d promised to wait till marriage for. A visceral need had risen up in me and it could not be pushed back down. I pulled her hand between my legs and she moaned into my mouth. The sound thrilled me, along with the sensation of her fingers slipping into the waistband of my knickers, causing my breath to catch in my throat. Her hand slipped back out and I was momentarily disappointed but then she began to pull at my clothes as she pushed me toward my bed, yanking at the button on my jeans, trying to get me out of them as quickly as possible. Before I knew it, my clothes were lying on the floor and I was in my underwear. I pulled at those myself, ripping them off my body while Julia kept kissing me, her tongue exploring my mouth with hungry vigour. I was suddenly shocked to realise I was naked. Julia pushed me onto the bed and I lay there waiting desperately for her as she undressed quickly. She took a moment to look down at me and I did the same, in awe at the sight of her naked body. Her body was lithe, womanly perfection and I stared at her astonished for a second.
Then she climbed on top of me and our mouths came back together as though they were magnetised, unable to stay apart. Her body pushed against me and I felt her soft, hot skin pressed against my own as we began to move together, her thighs grinding against mine. It was almost too much and that feeling started again, a heat was building inside and I might have orgasmed right then but she was only just getting started. Her mouth moved away from mine, travelling down to my neck, kissing the flesh below my ear while her hands caressed me, the tips of her fingers tracing every curve of my body. The sensation was electric. I shivered with delight and she carried on ever downward, moving toward my breasts. I could feel her mouth on my nipple, her teeth applying gentle pressure that set my nerve endings on fire. She moved down further still, her head disappearing between my legs. I felt her tongue slipping along my wetness, moving back and forth, slowly at first and then gathering speed. I could feel that force rushing between my thighs and it wasn’t like before. It was so much greater, like an explosion. I felt a scream rising out of me so I stuffed my hand into my mouth, biting down to muffle the sound and my spine arched up with the sheer force of the orgasm, throwing my body skyward.
And then it was over. I lay there panting and feeling a little shaky but somehow at peace. Julia lay down next to me and we said nothing for a while. I turned to her and she was staring at the ceiling, her face inscrutable. I thought maybe I should say something but I had no idea what and then she stood up and began to get dressed. She didn’t look at me or say a word until she reached the door. She was holding the door handle but had yet to turn it and she turned and looked at me as though she were going to say something and then looked away, like she was disgusted. She walked out.
I lay there shocked and it was as though all the things I hadn’t been thinking about for the last few minutes dropped back into my brain at once. Will was at the front of the queue. I’d been unfaithful to him. And I’d lost my virginity. And I’d given it to a woman. And she was my professor. From the moment she had walked in to the moment she left, no more than five minutes had passed. But that five minutes felt like a bomb going off in the centre of my life. When I thought back to the girl I had been at the beginning of the day, it seemed like someone else. Who was this person who had had sex with Julia Hawke without a second thought and loved it every second of it?
And now Julia hated me and I didn’t understand why.
Chapter 9
I was creeping down the hall, buttoning myself up, in a state of complete discombobulation. I saw Jane coming toward me and my instinct was to run away. I couldn’t speak to anyone right now but she’d seen me so I tried to seem normal.
‘Julia, are you coming down?’
‘In a minute. I just need to make a phone call.’
She nodded and I realised she didn’t know anything was wrong, which seemed incredible given how I was feeling inside. I reached my room at last and sat on the bed, trying to understand what I’d just done. I’d agreed with myself that Penny was off limits and then I’d acted like an animal and seduced her anyway. I’d done something wrong, that was my strongest feeling. I’d never felt that with any of the other girls, I had always felt that there had been an understanding that we both knew what we were getting into. Yes, some of them had maybe gotten a little attached but they’d known it wasn’t going anywhere and I think that had appealed to them as much as it did me. But with Penny, it didn’t feel like that. She wasn’t like that. She was… What was she? Something different. Good. Was that it? Too good for my games. Too good for me.
My crimes seemed numerous. Firstly, I had made her like every other silly girl who just wanted to experience what it was like to be with Julia Hawke, lust object. I knew she wasn’t like them. She was sensitive in a way they hadn’t been. In a way that I wasn’t anymore. My second crime was that I’d deflowered her and that had been a big rule to break. It wasn’t just that I was worried that she would tell the administration. I’d messed with something precious and for what? To fulfil a base need. There were other ways to do that, I hadn’t needed to drag her into it. If I could have just waited, Chloe would have done. But that was the problem... I didn’t want Chloe. I wanted Penny.
When we’d been on that beach, she’d been vulnerable. It had touched me in a way I hadn’t felt in years. In a way I tried not to be touched anymore. And then I’d told myself that I was going up to her room to see if she was alright but when she’d opened that door, I knew I wasn’t there to comfort her. And I could tell from the way she had refused to look at me that she was feeling the same. And there had been a point right then where I could have made another choice. I could have just left. But to stand in a room with that much heaviness between us, I felt weighed down by it, unable to leave. Unable to go anywhere but toward her.
And then it was happening and that’s when things had gone completely off the rails. In the past, whenever I took a girl to bed, it had always been pretty one sided. They seemed happy to be able to please me and had asked for very little in return. That had been the whole point. But I had given Penny everything. All I had wanted was to satisfy her and the strange thing was that it had gratified me completely. I hadn’t needed anything from her except to know that she was fulfilled. That was not how I did things. It wasn’t how the game was played. And after it was over, reality had returned and I was left with the knowledge of what I’d done. I’d wanted to tell her I was sorry but I felt too ashamed of myself to say a word and I just left her.
I wondered how she was feeling right now. My guess was used, upset, maybe even angry. I couldn’t face her tomorrow, I knew that much. I had to leave. Jane would be annoyed but she’d just have to deal with it. I packed up my things, leaving a note that contained a lie about a sick relative on my bed, and I crept down the stairs and out of the back door. I climbed in my car and sped off, racing down the dark roads, trying to outrun my shame.
Chapter 10
I was on the train, traveling home to Pilldale and to my family. I was sick to my stomach because I knew Will would be there. I was going to have to lie
to his face because if I told him what had happened, it would be over. And I had never been much of a liar. I felt like he was going to take one look at my face and know what I’d done.
My family met me off the train and for a second, I forgot my guilt. I had spent a semester feeling like I didn’t know who I was and if only for a moment, it was good to know my place. We drove home and I had a cup of tea and I told them all about my university. Obviously, I omitted some of the details. Then I went up to my old bedroom and I was surprised at how small it felt. It was like seeing a child’s room. So much had changed this year. I wasn’t this little girl anymore.
My mind turned to Julia, as it refused to stop doing. I’d gone down to breakfast the morning after we’d slept together to find that she’d left in the middle of the night, apparently due to some ‘family emergency’. It was obvious she’d left because of me. Jane had reassigned me to another tutor and I’d finished up my story with little fuss. It wasn’t my best work, I knew, but it was so hard to concentrate on writing with everything that had occurred. I have to admit that I wanted to see her. But instinctively I knew I should not reach out to her. She had decided it had been a mistake and she didn’t want to talk to me, that much I had inferred from her actions afterward. And she was right, we had done something we shouldn’t have. We’d crossed a line that we weren’t supposed to and that line was probably there for a good reason.
More importantly, I’d crossed a personal line that I could not step back over. I wished there was some way I could erase what I’d done but I knew there wasn’t. The best I could do was pretend it had never happened. That was my intention. But what made it difficult, impossible even, was that my body refused to forget. It felt alive in a way it never had before. It felt awakened. I was still tingling from that night, as though my skin held the memory of Julia. I was trying to forget and the goose bumps on my body wouldn’t stop reminding me. I could only hope that it would pass. It had to pass.
The doorbell went and I heard my mum answer the door to Will. I listened as he came in and bounded up the stairs, my stomach dropping with every footstep. He knocked on my door and I braced myself.
‘Come in!’
He came in smiling and happy to see me. I did my best to return his cheer.
‘How was the retreat? Did you have fun?’
The word ‘fun’ was jarring.
‘Yes, it was… you know, alright. Pretty good, I guess. So so.’
I had to stop burbling, it was a dead giveaway.
‘Tell me all about it.’
‘Not much to tell. I wrote, I got notes, I wrote again. Hey, do you want to go for a run together?’
His eyebrows shot up.
‘What?! You hate running!’
‘Yeah, but I was thinking maybe it might be fun. You seem to like it.’
He was reticent.
‘I don’t know. I’m not really in the mood right now. I’d just like to talk, hear about the retreat.’
That was the last thing I wanted. I leaned over and kissed him. He was surprised but receptive and I felt him kissing me back. I climbed on top of him and grabbed his face, pushing through the awkwardness I felt, thrusting my tongue into his mouth. He pulled away.
‘Hey, what’s going on?’
I shrugged.
‘What do you mean?’
‘I mean, this isn’t like you. You’re not usually so…’
‘What?’
He shrugged.
‘Pushy.’
I was immediately annoyed.
‘Pushy?’
‘I don’t mean that, I just mean… We’re waiting, aren’t we? We can’t do stuff like that.’
‘For god’s sake, Will. I had no idea you were so scared of sex.’
Will looked startled and I realised that was the first time either of us had actually used the word ‘sex’ in front of one another. It was strange, I’d always thought that I’d been the one holding back and that Will had just been respectful but now I could see how much it actually did scare him. I felt bad. I’d been trying to push it, trying to fix something that he didn’t even know was wrong. But even if he’d wanted to sleep with me right this second, it couldn’t mend something that was simply broken. I couldn’t deny the truth about us anymore. That kiss had made it plain and undeniable. I didn’t want him. I’d never wanted him, not like I’d learned I could want someone. Not like Julia. Kissing Will felt like kissing my brother. I climbed off him and sat back down on the bed.
‘Will, I think we need to talk about something.’
Chapter 11
I was in my office and I had class in ten minutes. I was deciding whether to cancel or not. I’d spent all of Christmas dreading this moment and now it was here. I decided I was only putting off the inevitable, whether it was now or tomorrow or next week, Penny would be sitting in my class and I would have to see her. I took a deep breath and headed for the lecture hall.
I was there after a few students had already arrived but Penny wasn’t one of them. I watched a few more dribble in but still, no Penny. I was beginning to think that maybe she wasn’t coming, maybe she’d even dropped my class and right as my hope soared, in she walked. It was at the exact moment my guard had dropped so I accidently looked right at her. Our eyes met. I suppose I had been expecting some accusation in her eyes but it wasn’t there. She gave me a small, polite smile and sat down at the back. The anticlimactic nature of the exchange threw me. I hadn’t necessarily thought there would be a scene, Penny wasn’t the type, but I had expected there to be something. I gathered myself and turned my attention to the class. The lesson passed without further incident.
At the end, I released the students and everyone filed out. All except Penny, who appeared to be trying to find something in her bag. I knew it was a ruse and that she wanted to speak to me privately, but I decided that since she was being so oddly calm about what I’d done the least I owed her was to hear her out, maybe she’d even let me apologise.
At last, the class was empty and we were alone. She got up and closed the door for privacy. I sat behind my desk, waiting, nervous. She walked over to me and I was shocked to see that she had a small cheeky smile on her lips.
‘Hi.’
It was a normal start to the conversation and I ran with it.
‘Hi. Did you have a good Christmas?’
This seemed to amuse her.
‘Yes, thanks. How was yours?’
‘Fine, good.’
There was a pause. Should I just launch into an apology now? I was struggling with how to start and then she spoke.
‘Look, Julia, I just wanted to say I’m sorry.’
I couldn’t speak for a second.
‘You’re sorry?’
‘Yes. I’m sorry that you had to leave the retreat. I feel like that was down to me. But I wished you’d stayed. Because the guy who tutored me wasn’t half the professor you are.’
This wasn’t what I’d expected. I was rattled.
‘I… No, I…’
I was a stuttering mess so I simply stopped and she took pity on me.
‘Look, I’ve got to get to another class right now but I would love it if you would read the story I wrote. I kept working on it over Christmas and I think it needs a fresh pair of eyes.’
I nodded, struck dumb by how this was playing out.
‘I’ll email you.’
And she swept out.
I was in my office and I felt like a burden had been lifted. Penny didn’t hate me. I knew that that had been what had really scared me, that she was angry with me. I realised how much I wanted things to be alright between us, how much I wanted to keep her respect. Beyond that, I wanted her to like me. It was that realisation that shocked me into understanding how much I liked her. It was unnerving. It hadn’t been like that with the other girls. It had always been about lust with them, not about any real affection.
My email pinged. It was from Penny.
‘Julia, I hope you like my story because you help
ed me to write it.’
What did that mean? We’d barely discussed her story before things had… happened. How had I helped? I opened the story, eager to read. It began as we talked about, a girl who left her village for a city university and began to doubt whether she belonged there. And then the girl meets a professor who was described as ‘a doe eyed patrician beauty’ and my heart stopped. She was talking about me. The rest of the story was an account of a sexual encounter between the two. It included this passage:
‘My body refused to forget. It felt alive in a way it never had. It felt awakened. I was still tingling from that night, as though my skin held the memory of her.’
Penny hadn’t sent this story for notes. She wanted me to know how she felt. I’d gotten it so wrong. The facts of Penny’s background and her virginity had made me think of her as an innocent girl who would feel ruined by what I’d done with her and it hadn’t been that way at all. She was no girl, she was a woman and she’d taken joy in what had happened. And did I detect something else in the story, a desire for more? I hadn’t allowed myself to think about how it had felt to sleep with her before now but in the light of knowing Penny’s feelings about it, the details of that night rushed back. I thought of Penny’s beautiful naked body and how her alabaster skin felt against my own. I thought of how she tasted, like a peach, and the way she’d stifled a scream as she climaxed. I thought of the flushed glow in her lovely face afterward. It was getting me hot just thinking about it. I wanted it to happen again, if she did. But I was still apprehensive. It still felt dangerous. Because I didn’t know if I could keep the distance that had always been the point of my games. I didn’t know if I could keep Penny out. But it didn’t matter. I had this feeling that we were on a track, unable to stop.