by Natasha West
‘It was my ex-boyfriend, Will, he was the other complainant. He was trying to hurt me and he went through you to do it. I’m sorry.’
I couldn’t believe it. My game with Lucy had been a waste of time. A single complaint that was withdrawn was one thing. Plural incidents was another.
The doors opened again and Penny stepped out turning to me. She looked wretched.
‘I hope it turns out OK for you.’
I nodded.
‘Thank you, Penny.’
And the doors closed and she was gone.
Chapter 18
I walked out of the elevator and back to my room. Seeing Julia like that had jolted me. I’d spent the last few weeks pushing away the misery over our ending. It had been hard. But there had been things to distract me. Friends, drinking, dancing, working. And now I’d seen her again and I was back to square one.
I went into my room and sat down on my bed, trying to shake off the incident with Julia, although I knew it was next to impossible. She had a way of getting to me, always.
I decided to go to work on a project that was due in a few days. It was mostly done but it still needed a few hours work. But as I stared at my laptop screen, I kept picturing how Julia had looked when she’d walked into the elevator. God, she’d looked like sex incarnate. There were complicated emotions involved as well, I knew, but the sexual desire she’d always inspired in me was a strong factor in being unable to forget her. I couldn’t concentrate and I knew there was only one way to deal with this. I went to my drawer and got out something that I’d bought since I’d broken up with Julia. It had been an embarrassing purchase and one I couldn’t imagine making a few months back. But I’d been looking for something to make me feel better and I guess I’d been thinking about that first time on the washing machine and I’d realised that there were simpler ways to replicate that sensation. So I’d braved the sex shop in town and found a small but powerful tool to take care of at least one need that was no longer being met. I made sure my door was locked and then slipped out of all my clothes. It wasn’t necessary to be fully naked but I’d found that it enhanced the pleasure. I climbed onto my bed, kneeling with my legs parted and turned on the vibrator. It came on with a buzz and I pressed it against myself, feeling an immediate thrill. My breathing quickened and I felt wave after wave of battery enhanced sexual pleasure go through me. And all the time, Julia’s face, her body, her eyes were in my mind. I didn’t try to fight it. There was no point. She’d stood inches from me and the usual electricity had been there. I couldn’t stop the feelings of painful love she inspired, but I could at least try to deal with the lust.
When I’d had as much as I my body could take, I turned off the vibrator but somehow, I didn’t feel any better. I decided to take a bath, hoping to wash away my disquiet. But after soaking for half an hour, I was still edgy. I thought about everything that had happened. I thought about all the time we’d spent together, how it had seemed to add up to something. I thought about those other girls and the shock I’d initially felt upon the discovery of their existence wasn’t as sharp, I realised. I wasn’t over it, certainly, but I wondered if I hadn’t made a mistake. Was it possible that we had been the exception? Was it possible that she really had loved me? Had I been hasty to throw that away?
I didn’t know if I was being a fool but I wanted to see Julia, to talk to her, to see how I felt around her. I couldn’t help it, I ached for her. I had to know if we could mend us.
I got out of the bath and began to get dressed.
I was standing in front of Julia’s house but I couldn’t quite seem to do anything. I felt like I was standing on a precipice. If I threw myself over it, would I smash my body on the rocks or slip into a warm pool of happiness?
I couldn’t keep waiting. I knocked on the door. Julia opened the door in a sheer robe, her hair wet from a shower. It seemed we’d been having parallel afternoons. The sight of her in that tiny robe, water making it cling to her body, nearly threw me off but I got ahold of myself.
‘Penny!’
She looked pleased to see me but there was something else there that I couldn’t quite pin down.
‘Can we talk?’
She didn’t answer for a second and I could see that she’d never expected me to be standing at her door again. I was filled with doubts at that moment. I’d made a mistake, she was over me. And then she nodded.
‘Come in.’
We were sitting in her living room, on different chairs, untouched cups of tea sitting on the coffee table. She was still in the robe and I was able to see her legs, still a little wet, inviting as ever. But I wasn’t here for that. I wanted to talk to her. That was the point. Everything else was off the menu.
She was waiting for me to speak and I think she knew I was still collecting myself because she picked up her cup to give me a moment. I had so many things that I wanted to say. I wanted to tell her how it had felt to find out that she had hadn’t made the exception for me, that in fact girls like me were her predilection, how sullied that had made me feel. But when my mouth opened, none of that came out.
‘I miss you.’
She put her cup down with a heavy sigh.
‘I miss you too.’
That feeling that I’d been holding back for all this time wouldn’t stay quiet any longer.
‘I love you. And you hurt me. Do you know that?’
She’d heard me say I loved her but there had been an appendix to it and she’d heard that too.
‘I know. But I meant what I said before. I love you too.’
She looked at me without guard and I could see it was the truth. She loved me now and she’d loved me always. It was real. We’d been in love. We were in love. I’d been doubting that and now I didn’t.
I got up and went to her and we were kissing before I knew what was happening and then the robe fell away and it was happening and it was like it had always been, her incredible touch bringing me to life. Suddenly she pulled back and looked me in the eyes.
‘I have to tell you something.’
I kept kissing her. I didn’t want her to say it. She pulled back again.
‘Please, Penny, we have to stop. You need to know-‘
I shook my head.
‘Don’t.’
A tear slipped down her check.
‘I slept with Lucy this afternoon.’
I sat up, numb. It had crossed my mind that something might have happened when she’d mentioned Lucy at the halls and I’d pushed the thought away. I didn’t want to think she was capable of it, even though her history had said otherwise. Julia sat up next to me, pulling her robe back on, and we both stared at her carpet for a while.
‘Why?’
She looked away, ashamed.
‘Stupid reasons.’
After we’d sat in silence for a long time, she spoke again.
‘This doesn’t have to mean-‘
‘Yes. It does.’
She nodded and leaned in toward me, pressing her lips to the side of my head and I wanted to cry. She’d done something that changed everything. Knowing about those other girls had put everything in a different light and now Julia had smashed that light completely. I couldn’t see things the same way anymore and I knew there was no coming back from it. We were ruined. I pulled away from her and walked down the hall and out of the house, done with Julia, for the second and last time.
I walked back to my halls through empty streets, trying to understand how things could fall apart this quickly. I’d come to Medford thinking I knew how my life would be and thinking I loved Will. That had fallen away. And then there had been Julia. And I’d thought that our connection was so extraordinary that it couldn’t just be thrown away. And now here I was, the one to discard it. But I knew I had to. The trust was lost and that would kill everything good between us eventually, like a cancer. I might have been younger than her and new to relationships in general, but this much I knew.
As I walked, my mind kept returning to the
story I’d written in winter and I thought of its ending. It had ended with me sleeping with Julia at the retreat and that had seemed like the direction the story had been going all along. It seemed like the point of it. But the more I thought about it, maybe it was only a mid-point. I didn’t know what the future held for me but I was here, in the city, away from Pilldale and I’d known for a while that I wouldn’t be going back there. And I didn’t know what came next. I wasn’t sure I even knew who I was yet. But I hoped, broken hearted as I was, that the future held more than I’d thought when I first came here. That all the excitement I’d felt with Julia existed in other places and other ways. Julia hadn’t been who I thought she was and that had disappointed me deeply. But I still hoped for so much from my life.
Chapter 19
The summer sun streamed onto me as I walked out of the hearing, tired and unsurprised by what had happened. I’d been fired. Although Lucy had made a stab at a withdrawal, it was considered a ‘no smoke without fire’ situation. I couldn’t be trusted anymore. I hadn’t fought it. They were right.
I walked back to my car, trying to understand what had gotten me to this point, sacked and alone. I put my key in the door and then I heard a voice behind me.
‘Miss Hawke?’
I turned. It was Chloe.
‘Chloe, hi.’
She seemed a little embarrassed and I guessed that the rumour mill had been at work. No doubt the whole university knew about Julia Hawke and her targets by now.
‘I saw you from the quad. I thought maybe this was the last chance I’d get to talk to you.’
I nodded. There was no point trying to cling to any lies now. It was all out.
‘Yes, I no longer work at Medford. I’ve been let go.’
She sighed.
‘That’s a shame. You were my favourite professor.’
I smiled my appreciation. I remembered how I’d started out the year, thinking of her as a potential conquest. It seemed a long time ago.
She sauntered over to my car and stood close to me.
‘I heard the reason why. I don’t think it’s fair. I mean, we’re all adults here. We should be free to do whatever we want.’
She gave me a suggestive look and put her hand on my arm, caressing it slightly.
‘And now you don’t work here anymore, you can do anything you want, can’t you?’
She was offering herself to me on a plate. And I thought to myself, what is there to lose anymore? My job was gone. Penny was gone. What would it matter now if I slept with one more first year? Maybe it would make me feel better, at least for the moment.
But as I looked at Chloe, I realised that I didn’t want to feel better like that. I didn’t want to keep doing this. I was finished with it.
‘Yes, I can do what I want now. So I’m going home. Goodbye, Chloe. And good luck with everything.’
She looked shocked as I got into my car but I wasn’t worried about offending her. I was sure there were plenty of shoulders she could cry on.
I drove away from the university and it was as though with my leaving, I could think clearly. I thought back over my time there and all the students I’d seduced and I could see it for what it was. Distraction. They’d been a drug to me, to numb me to the things I really wanted out of my life. I’d taken what was there and easy so that I didn’t have to think about wanting anything real and hard anymore. And then Penny had broken the dam. She’d reminded me that life could be about something else, it could be about the things that really satisfied me, like love, and writing. That’s why I had never been able to stick to my rules with her, why it couldn’t just be sex. Because it was true passion, the thing I’d been trying to throw away. I’d tried to forget I was capable of it because I’d found it hard to live with, but Penny had revived it in me and now I didn’t want to live without it. I couldn’t keep treading water. I had to go forward.
I pulled up at a red light and I glanced over to see the café where Penny and I had gone to breakfast the morning after we’d made love all night at the start of our affair. I was shocked to see Penny sitting there. She was reading, as ever. I had a small internal debate with myself but I couldn’t leave it alone. I wanted to see her, even if it was just one last time.
I parked up and went into the café. Penny was engrossed in the book. I hadn’t seen her in months and she looked as lovely as ever. I walked over to the table and coughed to get her attention. She look up surprised.
‘Julia!’
‘I hope I’m not interrupting your book.’
She shrugged.
‘That’s OK. Do want to sit down?’
‘Would you mind?’
‘Of course not.’
I sat down gratefully and then I didn’t know what to say next and things were silent for a second as we both grappled with how to talk to each other. I decided there was one topic that might still be of mutual interest, considering that it set our end in motion.
‘I just came from the hearing.’
She sat up straight.
‘And? What happened?’
I was thankful to see she was genuinely interested to know how it had turned out.
‘And I’m no longer a professor.’
She was disappointed for me.
‘I’m really sorry, Julia. I feel like it was my fault. It was my ex-boyfriend that did this.’
I shook my head vehemently.
‘No, it wasn’t your fault. Or your ex-boyfriend’s. It was completely my fault. I knew what I was getting into and I knew the risks. And as you know…’
I paused, ashamed ‘…it wasn’t the only complaint.’
She looked away and I saw that this wound was still fresh for her. I was trying to keep up a pretence that we were having a light conversation but when I saw that she was still hurting, I couldn’t do it. My own pain rose in my chest.
‘I wish I hadn’t been so stupid.’
She nodded.
‘I’m sure you do. It probably wasn’t worth the cost, I’m betting.’
‘It really wasn’t.’
Then I saw a tear in her eye and I realised she’d misunderstood me. It hurt me more than I could have thought to know that her pain was because of me.
‘No, Penny, I meant what happened with Lucy. I don’t regret anything that happened between you and me. If I could do it all again, I wouldn’t choose different. You were more than worth the cost of the job.’
She wiped away her tear and looked at me. And then miraculously, she smiled.
‘It’s nice to hear that.’
She paused and I could see that she was deciding if she should say something. I desperately wanted to know what it was, even it was going to hurt.
‘I wouldn’t change anything either.’
I wanted to find hope in what she’d said but I could see that it was meant in the past tense. And that’s how I should leave it too. So I simply nodded and smiled, aching inside. I was glad we’d had this talk; that I’d had the chance to let her know what she meant to me. But it was time to leave her alone. To leave her to her life without me. It was the right thing to do because even with the knowledge of how my behaviour had destroyed everything around me, it didn’t make me good enough for her.
‘I’d better go.’
She watched me stand and I was about to leave when she spoke.
‘Julia, before you go, I want you to know I’m leaving Business Studies.’
I was shocked.
‘You’re dropping out?!’
‘No, I’m switching to a full degree in English and Creative Writing.’
I felt myself beam.
‘That makes me happy. A talent like yours shouldn’t be wasted.’
She laughed nervously, modest as ever.
‘How about you? What will you do next?’
‘I don’t know. I probably can’t teach anymore.’
She was exasperated.
‘Julia, what did you just say to me? Don’t waste talent. You should go back to writing.’
It was a thought I’d been having and hearing Penny say it made me feel like there was no point arguing with it anymore. I had to start writing again.
‘Maybe you’re right.’
She seemed happy to hear that. I was suddenly struck with deep sadness. I was about to walk out of her life, probably never to see her again.
‘Well, I guess I’d better go.’
‘I suppose so.’
There was a pause as we looked at each other, saying goodbye without a word.
I turned and hurried out of the coffee shop and got back in my car, my heart breaking. And as I turned the key in the engine, I had a thought about everything that had happened. It was a thought I hadn’t had in many years. Thinking about Penny and what I’d lost and what I’d learned, I thought to myself ‘Maybe there’s a book in this?’
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Available Now
Book Two in the Julia Hawke series:
Hawke’s Game
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