by L. J. Stock
“He's not my father, Mom. He's not even a sperm donor,” I snapped, sitting forward. “It makes sense now, though. He's always hated me and I guess you let him. Why, Mom? Why did you let him treat me that way?”
“Do you want some tea?”
“Mom.”
“I'll be right back.”
Slumping into the couch, I watched her scurry from the room with her tail between her legs. It really hadn't been a difficult question, but this was how she dealt with awkward situations. Unsure what to say? Throw a cup of tea at it so she had time to gather her thoughts in front of the kettle.
This was exactly what I'd been afraid of – her shutting down on me. I understood it was difficult, but the revelation was out there. I knew the truth about my father and I was mostly over the shock of it. I didn't even blame her for cheating on her husband. Robert was…well, it was better not to let the expletives rain from my mouth, even though most of them were fitting.
“Here you go. A nice cup of tea,” Mom said, her voice quivering with nerves as she sat down beside me, her hands clinging to the mug like a life raft after she’d set mine on the table. She took a deep breath, her chest rising and falling before she turned her head to look at me. “I know you must have questions.”
“Oh, only about a million of them.”
“I understand, but if you want to know what happened between your father and me, I need you to be patient and let me get it all out at once.”
That wasn't the only reason I was there, but it was a good place to start. With a nod, I agreed to her terms.
“I assume you've been with your grandmother. What do you know?”
“I know all about the prophecy and Vis Liberi, but she was tight-lipped about you and my real father because she’d promised you, and him, apparently.”
“Then how did you find out who your father is?”
“I went to visit the King of Mortisali.”
I watched her face as she put the pieces together. Her expressions moved from shock, to disbelief, to... wistfulness? Her body turned in the seat next to mine on the sofa, her cup moving to the table seconds before her hands enclosed my balled fist.
“How is he?”
“Upset, confused, commanding... I didn't spend long there once he told me. I ran.”
“Cass, I'm so sorry. I really am. I just wanted to give you a normal life, away from all of that craziness. You were too young to be pulled into the war they have going on there. I wanted you to be safe, protected. I thought I was doing the right thing. Your father was so angry–”
“That man is not my father,” I seethed. If there was anything that could have triggered my anger, referring to Robert Collier as my father was the fuse.
“He's looked after you for twenty-four years.”
“Looked after me?” I asked, the incredulous tone inescapable. “You call what he did looking after me? He insulted me every chance he got. He made a game out of how often he could make me cry. He refused to acknowledge my birthday and gave me coal in my Christmas stocking. Then there was the time he locked me in the closet because I threw away the sports section of the magazine after he’d asked me to. It was all mental abuse, every last piece of it. That wasn’t looking after me – that was torture. He was punishing me.”
“No. He was punishing me for what I did,” she replied, her voice shaky with emotion. “I was the one that did this, baby, not you,” She looked at me, a harrowed expression in her eyes. I could only imagine what was running through her mind. Imagining, however, wasn’t going to give me answers.
“Tell me how it happened, Mom. How did you meet my real father? How did you end up cheating on Robert? I know this is hard for you, but I need to know.”
She shifted uncomfortably, her hands dropping mine so she could inspect the hem of her shirt. Her eyes wouldn't meet mine and she kept it that way. I knew she had to be embarrassed, but it was a little too late for all of that. The affair was in the past, over and done with twenty-four long years ago.
I hated to admit it, but I felt hurt that she couldn’t feel the same remorse about the way I’d been treated by Robert. No matter what she was feeling, this wasn’t something she could hide. I knew the partial history and the truth was now hanging in the air between us. There were holes in the story I’d been given, and she was the only one with the answers. I refused to leave until she addressed them.
“Mom, you're going to have to tell me at some point. I know Robert isn't my father, because I've met my real dad. The hard part is over. I just need you to fill in the blanks and help me understand.”
Mom blew out a stream of air that ballooned out her cheeks as she nodded. It was obvious she was trying to convince herself she could do this. Just when I thought it would take more coaxing on my part, she finally started to talk.
“I was suffering from postpartum depression after Steven was born,” she admitted, blushing. I knew how hard it was for her to admit her flaws and weaknesses. “Robert was working all the hours he could so we could afford to keep the roof over our heads as well as cover the added expense of a new baby. I was so lonely. Robert's mom noticed the signs and came to look after Steven while I went to the doctor. After that, she started coming twice a week to give me a break and I would just go to the coast and wander along the shore.
“That's when I met your father, Kyros. I was sitting on a bench, looking out over the sea, thinking of a way to escape the increasing loneliness when he popped down next to me and smiled, waving off who I thought were his friends at the time. He was so charming and handsome, his smile warm and inviting. It was his eyes that held me, though. They told me that he understood what I was feeling. I could see the sadness lingering behind the endless pools of blue.
“I ended up spending all of my free afternoons with him after that first meeting, just laughing and enjoying myself in his company. He was so easy to be around. Even with my sadness, all he seemed to want to do was make me smile. He didn’t dwell on the things he couldn’t fix but instead focused on making me happy. I never felt more alive than when I was with him.”
“How long did that go on?” I asked, encouraging her to continue.
“Months, and he was always such a gentleman,” she said emphatically, her eyes willing me to understand. “He never tried anything except holding my hand, and I never saw an issue with it. Well, I didn't until he kissed me. We'd been spending two days a week together for six months and it was finally the summer. I felt lighter, happier. The sun was shining and I was with the one person who always seemed to know how to make me feel better. We were running on the beach, laughing as we tried to throw one another in the water, when he picked me up and kissed me.”
I could see the blush on her cheeks as she looked anywhere but at me. I could understand her chagrin; she'd been emotionally cheating on her husband for six months, and a kiss... Well it made it a little more official. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. I'd always thought of my mom as a straight-laced do-gooder who would have been more likely to kiss a woman than to take part in an immoral affair.
“What did you do?”
“I ran.” She laughed once without humor. “I had lied to myself for so long, convincing myself that it was all an innocent friendship. Kyros kissing me had shocked me back into reality, and all I could think about was how wrong it was, yet how much I had enjoyed it.”
“But you went back.”
“I did,” she admitted, hanging her head in shame. “I stayed away for weeks, trying not to think about him, putting him out of my head, but I was miserable. I withdrew from everyone and everything, and all I could think about was that kiss. I knew it was wrong. I knew it was unfair of me to do that to Robert but I craved more. I needed more.
“So I went to meet him again, not even sure he would be there after so many weeks of rejection. But he was. His smile seemed to draw me in, and I knew I needed him in my life. He had a way of making me be the person I wanted to be.
“We continued to see one another
for another two years. He was so romantic and I was happy. I found excuses to leave the house more days of the week because I couldn't stand being away from him for so long. He was always so charismatic and handled me with a reverence Robert never has. I loved him, Cass, with every ounce of me. I loved him and I was willing to leave Robert to be with him.”
“So what happened? Why did you stay? If you were happy with the king, why were you so willing to make yourself so miserable by staying with Robert?”
My mom looked down again and wiped her eyes, fighting to keep her breath steady. I could see how much this cost her to relive. I, however, needed to know why she'd subjected me to a life of misery. Especially when she’d had the opportunity to make herself, Robert and me happy.
“Cass, I'm going to tell you something I have never told another living soul.”
I raised my eyebrows. “Okay.”
“I went to see him on one of our scheduled days, but he wasn't there. Instead, one of his friends who always seemed to be around was there in his place. He told me that Kyros couldn't make it because his father was sick, but that he would try and be there for our next meeting. Then his friend took a deep breath and told me I was to not see him after the next meeting – that I was to call the whole thing off – that Kyros' father was the King of Mortisali and had already arranged his marriage. The king was sick and dying and they needed to keep Kyros in his own dimension. I'd had no idea who he was or the position he held. I thought he was just a great but normal guy, but certain things started falling into place. The way he dressed, the way his friends always seemed to stay close.
“I wanted to fight it, but I couldn't. I'd always been so afraid of Mortisali. That world was so different to ours. There wasn’t any technology or roads, and the small amount of time I'd spent there with my mom, I'd been miserable. I couldn't put Steven through that. I couldn't do it to myself, so I knew I had to let Kyros go.”
Tears formed and spilled over her bottom eyelids, rolling down her cheeks in slow tracks until they fell from her chin. I could see how much this hurt her even now. I'd assumed she'd had a fling and her guilt had eaten away at her, but knowing this, knowing that she had sacrificed her happiness for the king and Steven, seemed to make so much more sense. As much as I resented her for letting Robert treat me the way he had, I couldn't be upset with her about lying to me. She was, in her own way, trying to protect us all while she held the burden on her shoulders.
“I'm so sorry, Mom.”
“What for, baby? None of this was your doing.”
“I assume I was the reason Robert found out,” I said sadly. I knew it hadn’t been her intention, but I felt guilty for being this huge burden in her life that she couldn’t undo.
“Not your fault,” she said, smiling through her tears. She picked up my hand again and sniffled gently. “Let me finish.”
I nodded and scooted closer to her on the couch, my free hand on top of the one she was holding mine with. It was the first time in my life I felt close to my mom, and had I not needed answers with such desperation, I would have been speechless. It was the most we’d ever talked.
“I did a lot of soul searching when I got home. Robert was still the same brash man he'd always been and Steven was turning into this amazing, bright child who I loved with everything I was. Steven was the one thing Robert always went soft over, and I realized I couldn't take Steven away from him. My father had died while my mother was pregnant with me, and I knew what it was like to be fatherless. So I made my decision and when I met with Kyros for the last time, I broke things off with him. I told him that my husband and son needed me and I couldn't keep doing this to them. I couldn't live the lie anymore.
“He was torn apart. Falling to his knees and begging me not to take away his only happiness. It broke my heart to see him like that, but there was nothing I could do. As much as I loved him, I’d chosen to walk away for Steven, and in some small way, for Kyros himself. I said goodbye and left it at that. I didn't see him again for another couple of years. He wrote to me as much as he could but I always threw away his letters so Robert wouldn't find them.
“He finally caught me down by the beach in our old meeting spot. I’d never imagined he'd ever go back there, but he did, and he looked as handsome as ever. He begged me to take him back, but I saw the ring on his finger and knew that he'd already married the woman they'd picked out for him. I confronted him about his wife and we argued, but our anger soon turned into passion and that was the day you were conceived. One moment of weakness and I was pregnant with you.”
This time her shoulders shook with her sob as she bowed her head and released all the pain she'd been holding in all those years. I put my arm around her and rubbed her back gently.
“I only saw Kyros once after that.” She sobbed, her voice cracking. “He'd found out about you and wanted visitation rights. I had to threaten him with disappearing somewhere he could never follow, knowing that he wouldn't risk never having the opportunity to see you again, even at a distance. I was well aware he had one of his men stationed close by. In fact, he managed to make friends with Robert so he would get closer to us should something happen. By all rights you are a princess and deserve that kind of protection, so I never argued. I hated having to keep you away from him, but Robert had threatened me, telling me that if I ever had any more contact with your father, he would kill you, take Steven and disappear. My threat to Kyros had been an echo of that. Robert was so angry when I confessed. He’s never really forgiven me. I have no right to argue that.”
“But I was the one being punished, Mom. I was the one who was being mistreated.”
“And I resent him for it every day. He knew that by hurting you he was hurting me, and I tried to leave so many times but he always knew how to get to me. He knew how to make me stay. Then, when the war came to this shore in Mortisali and you started having night terrors, he threatened to have you committed. He came close enough when your friend was around, saying it wasn't normal. He even dragged you to a psychologist, but they told him imaginary friends were common in children your age. He always used you as a weapon against me because he knew how much you meant.”
“Then why are you still here now?” I asked again. I couldn't understand why she'd stay if she was so unhappy. If she resented him for the way he treated me, why would she not leave after I'd been placed in the hospital? I wasn't around anymore. It wasn't like he could manipulate her into staying.
“Where would I go? I have nothing. Robert spent my dad's inheritance buying this house, and he never let me work. I have no way to get away from him and he likes it that way. He’d also refuse to pay the hospital bills.”
“There's Acantha. She would have been happy to help you.”
“I didn't want you being dragged into that life, Cass, and selfishly, I didn’t want you to be taken to Mortisali. I knew my mother would guilt me into letting Kyros see you, and I knew you would love him, that you’d want to be a part of a life I couldn’t be part of. Then, the last time I spoke to her, she mentioned the prophecy and I knew. I knew I had to keep you away from that, so I agreed with Robert to institutionalize you for a while after the incident with the razor.”
I sat back on the couch and let out a breath. I couldn't be angry. Not anymore. We both knew I could have had a better life and I could have been happy, but I believed that she had tried to do the right thing, even if it was inherently wrong. Now I wanted to help her. She wasn’t completely absolved, but understanding where her head had been made it easier to deal with.
While we sat in a contemplative silence, the sound of an engine pulled both our heads up to the front of the house.
Robert was home.
I hadn't realized how long I'd been talking to Mom, but just beyond the large living room windows, the light was fading quickly. I should have been more vigilant with the time, and I wanted to dip my hands in the sink and hightail it out of there, but I knew I couldn't leave my mom there alone anymore, which meant I had to confro
nt the man who had tortured me my whole life.
Split Second
Both my mother and I were frozen in place as we listened to Robert cursing outside. There were a few scrapes and thumps as he rearranged things and mumbled under his breath, while the two of us sat there like deer in headlights. There was no escaping this confrontation with him. He'd had me in his crosshairs my whole life and this was no different. I just had to be brave this time. I had to stand up to him. He was not my father.
“Cass, you should go.”
“And leave you here? I don’t think so, Mom.”
“I'm fine. If he knows you were here, he'll...”
“He'll what?”
Her eyes widened with a hint of terror. I was starting to get the feeling her marriage to Robert was much worse than she'd ever made it out to be. He wasn't simply keeping her here with idle threats against me or because of lack of money. It went so much deeper, and the abject horror in her eyes as his boots clomped up the porch steps spoke louder than she ever could. He'd mentally tortured me for years, and though he'd done the same with her, I was starting to believe he'd gone a step further.
“Mom?” I whispered, my hand finding hers.
“He's going to be angry.”
“Did he ever–”
“Di? Where you at?” The gruff voice filled the house as the door bounced off the wall behind it. I remembered that noise from my childhood, the doom of that man coming home putting the fear in the hearts of us all.
“Cass, please. Go to the kitchen, and get out of here.”
“I'm not leaving you, Mom. I'm never leaving you with him again.”
“I can't protect you,” she whispered, her voice tremulous with emotion as the thud of his boots sounded heavily down the hall. It was like an impending storm, the roll of thunder in the distance a warning for what was coming. I couldn't leave her there alone when she was that scared. I had the power to get her out of there.