by L. J. Stock
“There’s no hope for me.” I was going to be miserable with this decision that had been made for me. I just hoped that Damon would forgive me. My tears kept coming and turned cold in the wind that washed over us. They stung my cheeks as they made their way over the skin, taking every ounce of hope with them.
Alec didn't respond. There wasn’t much he could say, so he just held me while I cried, the ache in my chest growing with every breath I took. It was my own self-pity that created the agony, and I was grieving for all the what ifs that I had to let go of. This was my last moment of selfishness before I faced my new future.
Turning my head to look at the village that had once been Damon's home, I knew I couldn't back down, and I knew I had to let him go and fulfill the prophecy I’d been born into. Letting Damon go would be the hardest thing I would ever have to do, but I was doing this to save not just one, but hundreds, perhaps even thousands of lives.
I was doing this to save everything and everyone. Including him.
Coming To Terms
The trip back to the palace consisted of silence and solemnity for the four of us. The scene of the village in ruins hadn't affected just me – I could see the effects of it worn on the faces of Alec, Rasmus and Anker. They were haunted by the aftermath of the senseless attack, the image of the graves burned into the backs of their eyelids. I knew this because I was the same. Every time I closed my eyes I could see it – the smoke, the scars and the desolation that shrouded everything.
Alec and I hadn't spoken about Damon since the other two had rejoined us on the hill, and I was grateful for the reprieve. The fact that he knew how I felt was more than enough to unnerve me. I wasn’t sure if he knew about Damon’s feelings for me, and I didn’t ask. Instead, I'd requested for him not to alert Damon to the fact that he knew, and he'd agreed. For me, that was enough. His word meant something, and now it was up to me to make my word mean something, too.
I'd promised Alec the only thing I could. I would try my best to make it work and I wouldn’t put up a fight. I would do my best to open myself up to the baron and see if there could be something there without letting my feelings for Damon hinder the process. Easier said than done? Sure, but what other choice did I have? After the scene I'd just witnessed in Felgar, I couldn't be selfish anymore. Not when there was a chance I could end all the senseless killing.
The problem was that I couldn't let Damon know why I'd had a sudden change of heart about meeting the baron.
Once Rasmus and I had separated from Anker and Alec, I held my silence for as long as I could until we were alone and I could talk to him in the normal informal tones we were used to when we didn’t have a court audience.
“Not a word about this to Damon, please.”
Snapping his head in my direction fast enough to cause whiplash, Rasmus studied me for a moment. I could see the confusion in his eyes and knew he was questioning the reasons behind my request. With Rasmus not knowing about the attraction between Damon and me, there would be very little concern about Damon knowing where we’d been or why Alec had been the one to take me there.
“He'll only worry about me being alone outside of the palace without him. You know what he’s like. He is more useful here anyway.” I was a horrible liar, something that was validated when Rasmus frowned, but he still nodded in agreement. Even if he didn't understand my request, I knew he would do it because I’d asked him to.
“He trusts Alec,” Rasmus said quietly, his eyes shifting to see if there was anyone that would care he was having a conversation so casually with me.
“I don't doubt that for a second, but how would you explain it?”
“Hellfire,” he exclaimed looking over at me. “I don't even know what that was about.”
“It was a lesson.”
“One hell of a lesson,” he said, his eyebrows high on his tanned forehead.
I nodded in agreement but kept my council. There was no way to go into an explanation without revealing my feelings for Damon, and that wasn’t ever going to be an option. It was a complicated web of confusion and not even I was sure where to go from there. Alec had promised to keep Damon away without reassigning him for now, but that didn't mean it wouldn’t happen eventually. I still had to prove to Alec that I was committed to the cause. I had to show that I could give the baron a fair chance. For now, if I was going to keep my feelings for Damon buried and under control, I needed to keep my distance. He was the one thing my heart and head always agreed on. When he was close, things made sense to me. There was no question of where I was supposed to be or what I was supposed to be doing. Now... well, now, I wasn't sure about anything. Certainly not what I could hold onto to anchor me in place.
With all these things mulling around in my head, I just wanted to sleep for a year and not think about what I’d had to do in the name of duty in the last few days. I’d given up my brother, and now I was being coerced into giving up any hope of having Damon in my life the way I truly wanted him. It was almost too much to take in. Freedom was something I wasn’t destined to ever have for myself, in any sense of the word.
With my emotions as raw and unpredictable as they were, I was hoping I’d manage to sneak away to the farmhouse and miss Damon in the transition of the change of guards. Unfortunately, the moment I approached my room, it was obvious he'd been released from his duty with the king, because he was there, pacing outside of my door, his brow furrowed and hands behind his back.
“Cass,” he remarked the moment he spotted us, bowing his head as he approached formally. With Rasmus at my side, he very rarely touched me for fear of giving anything away; my name in place of my title was the only concession he was willing to make. I longed for the run of his fingers down my spine, or the pads of our fingers touching like they had since the night we’d confessed how we’d felt. Those moments when he’d stood close, finding an excuse to touch me, were like a drug, but I had to stop my indulgence. It wasn't fair to either of us – not after what I'd agreed to with the baron.
“Hey. I hear you had monarch duty today.” I smiled, not feeling it all the way down to my soul like I normally did in his company. His brief frown told me that he'd noticed, but he let it go and offered me a half-smile of his own.
“I did. Though I'm not sure what it was all about. Even your father seemed a little perplexed by the whole thing.” His hand lifted for less than a second before he pushed it behind his back, grasping the other. I'd noticed it before. It was like the urge to touch me had become too much and he had to force himself into action to deter it. I hated myself for my body's response and took a step toward my room, feeling the distance sliding into place immediately.
“He was dealing with me, I'm afraid.”
Damon's lips formed a thin line as he assessed me, and I couldn't have been happier at having Rasmus' company. As long as he was guarding me, Damon wouldn't question me further. It wasn't the place of a guard to question their ward. It was a rule most of them followed diligently. Rasmus was my friend and only asked vague questions, but Damon expected more.
“I should go. I promised Acantha I would have dinner with her tonight.”
“It's only three.”
“I have to feed the horses.”
The look he gave me was more than enough for me to see the excuses I’d used were more transparent than a freshly cleaned window.
“Rasmus, could you give me a minute?” Damon barked out, amending his tone when Rasmus raised an eyebrow. “Sorry.”
Rasmus' blue eyes moved to me for approval and I nodded with a smile, hiding the part of me that wanted to cling to him. I was a terrible liar and he was the only thing that was saving me from the questions I knew Damon had for me. Neither Damon nor I said a word as Rasmus retreated to the end of the short corridor, eventually disappearing around the corner. Damon waited for a count of thirteen, by my estimate, before he stepped closer, the heat of his body so near I could feel it through my cloak. I shut my eyes involuntarily as the back of his hand ran against mi
ne in reassurance.
“You're hiding something. Is it anything to do with us?”
“No. Alec was just helping me understand a problem I was having. It's not a big deal,” I said quietly, blinking and forcing myself to meet his eyes while I was telling some semblance of the truth. “I was arguing with the king, so Alec asked the king if he could talk with me.”
“Alec doesn't ever leave the king's side.”
“That I heard.” My tone was flippant in an attempt to be passive. It was something Damon obviously didn’t appreciate.
“Dammit, Cass, this isn't a joke.”
I stepped away from him, only to find a wall at my back. As much as I'd like to have said the withdrawal was because he intimidated me, or because I wanted to put distance between us, it was neither. I'd forced myself to retreat because I was on the verge of the tears I’d been suppressing since I’d left Felgar.
“I didn't say it was. You wanted to know what it was all about. I told you. He was a mediator between my father and me.”
“The king hardly has issues with communication.”
“He does when he's trying to stand by his archaic rules. Do you honestly think this is easy for me, Damon? Half the time I don't know what the hell I'm doing. I'm being thrown to the wolves and I'm trying to keep myself afloat. I'm sorry if that's not good enough for you.”
“What rules? You didn’t...”
I leaned against the wall, my arms folding over my chest, closing myself off from him completely. Considering we operated heavily on body language lately, I knew I was making a statement. Damon stepped back and shook his head, his hands running through his hair in confusion.
“I'm sorry,” he mumbled, distractedly.
I lifted my eyebrows. It was the first time I'd felt like myself since we'd left the courtyard. I'd never seen him act quite like this before. He was nosey, sure, and asked entirely too many questions, but he’d never interrogated me in this way. I was the one who was acting strangely, instigated solely my body language, but that didn't mean I would accept the that he was talking to me like a criminal. I was in pain, not oblivious.
“My orders have been clear for a long time. Changes make me–”
“Crazy?” I asked, still annoyed, but smiling in spite of myself.
He stepped forward, his body now so close to mine I could feel my hair shift under his breaths. The tips of his shoes touched mine in one of his small signs of affection and I almost slid down the wall as the guilt ate me alive. It was all so new. We’d only admitted how we felt about one another days ago. It seemed unfair that I was expected to give it all up so soon.
“When it comes to you?” he whispered. “Absolutely.”
My eyes welled with tears as I looked at his lips with longing before meeting his eyes again. We were all alone, and the urge to close the gap between us made my body react in ways I wasn’t prepared for. I swallowed compulsively, my fingers tapping the stone behind me to stop myself from reaching for him while my heart pounded painfully in my chest. I’d known distancing myself from him would hurt, but this was torture.
“I should go.” It was more of a plea than a statement.
Damon paused, looking down the hall to check we were still alone before his eyes met mine again. He let one finger run along my jaw, and my skin lit up in its wake. I needed more time with him, more moments that we could steal away together and pretend that life wasn’t as complicated as it was proving to be, but I craved my escape at the same time.
“You're running away from me.”
“Damon, stop, please”
Damon leaned in closer, his mouth only inches from mine before he backed away, a small smile on his lips.
“As you wish, Milady.”
“Go and do some work, you slacker.” I huffed, pushing off the wall, feeling flustered.
With a quiet laugh, Damon backed away from me completely. There was a part of me that reprimanded myself for not holding on to the moment a little longer. I should have imprinted it into my memory to revisit when I needed cheering up, but the rational part of myself admitted I would have only made it worse for myself.
“See you tomorrow.”
The need to cry became almost overwhelming as I realized I probably wouldn't be seeing him when I translocated in the morning. Alec had promised to try to make this easier for the two of us, and I knew that Damon would be finding himself busy more often than not.
Feeling like I'd forgotten how to breathe, I nodded and jolted for my room, offering only a wave over my shoulder as I pushed the door closed behind me. The startled looks of the three women working inside didn't give me much of a chance to catch my breath, either, and I clung to my composure as I offered all of them a smile.
I darted to the bathroom with a quiet goodnight, not even stopping to remove my shoes as I stepped into the bathtub and translocated back to the farmhouse. The solitude of my room surrounded me immediately, and I sucked in a breath and fought back the tears. I refused to cry over doing the right thing. If I thought of this as a sacrifice, I would resent my father and the baron for the rest of my life. I was making this decision. Me. I had to remember that and I had to move forward. I knew my father would have questions. Just like Damon would probably question why he was taking on more duties that took him away from guarding me.
As far as I knew, the only time we would really have with one another was my training. We'd come so far over the past few months. I was getting stronger and my body was becoming a tool to implement damage if it was needed. If I changed trainer now, I could fall back more steps and it would hinder my progress. At least I had that to cling to.
Kicking off my shoes and clothes, I moved around the bathroom and emptied the tub before taking a shower to clear my head. I did have to feed the horses. That was all part of living on a working farm, but I had time before I needed to do that, so I took the solitude and used it to think things through as the hot water sluiced over me. By the time I emerged, the urge to cry had been pushed back completely and I was, somewhat, at peace with my decision.
I moved through feeding the horses on autopilot, my mind on the scene I had witnessed from atop of the hill. The blackened trees and barren space left me feeling haunted, creating the only fuel I had for my courage. As long as I thought about that while with the baron, maybe there was a chance I could get through my time with him. The urge to visit more war-torn villages was like a compulsion growing in me. Each scene I revisited in my mind seemed to beat back the guilt that threatened to overwhelm me when I thought about Damon.
“There you are,” Alexa said, poking her head over the stall of my favorite horse, Stardust. She folded her arms over the stall door and watched me brush down the horse for a while before saying anything more. I'm sure she would have stayed quiet longer had I not broken the silence.
“Everything okay?”
“Zander is driving Acantha crazy with his questions about cooking. I decided exiting would be the best bet so I wouldn't be grouped into the pain in the ass category.”
“Haven't you been there for a while?” I asked, smiling over my shoulder at her.
“Yes, but on my own terms. That’s a completely different thing.”
“If you say so.” I snorted, rubbing the brushes together and gathering everything I’d brought in with me. I gave the huge animal a cheek rub before shooing Alexa from the door.
“I do. What's up with you anyway?”
“Why does something have to be up with me?” I asked, checking I’d managed to collect everything as I offered Stardust a treat.
“You want me to list the reasons?” she asked, tipping her head to the side. “Or do you want to get it out in the open without all those pesky points thrown at you?”
There was no point in dancing around the subject. She would get it out of me eventually. “The king has set up a date for me.” Alexa made a face and followed me to the tack room.
“Ouch. Let me guess. Noble birth, child of air and earth, grew up in the cou
rt... Am I warm?”
“On fire,” I said levelly, putting everything inside the closet and kicking off my rubber boots.
“To which you said, ‘fuck off?’”
“At first, but I changed my mind.”
I felt her hand close around my arm only seconds before she stopped my automated movements. “What?”
I met her eyes and shrugged. I had nothing more to offer. Nothing I said would justify my decision to her, just like no argument I made to myself would excuse the shirking of my responsibility.
“Cass, you don't have to agree to everything they ask of you. I understand you want to do the right thing, but an arranged marriage?”
“That was exactly my reaction.”
“Then what changed?”
My jaw tightened as it locked. I sucked my bottom lip into my mouth and bit down hard. I couldn't put what I'd seen into words, and even if I did, I wasn't sure Alexa would understand. She'd grown up in this dimension the same way I had. Though she may understand my sense of duty, she wouldn't understand about Damon because she didn't know how I felt about him. There was no way to talk about what was going on without including my attachment in it, but I could try.
“I saw a village that had just been turned over by the latros today.”
“Oh Gods. So now you feel obligated to stop it all by marrying someone you don't know?”
“No. I'm going to attempt to get to know a person I have the possibility of marrying. Well, if I get my own way that’s how it will go down. I'm going to promise to try. That’s all I can offer. I want it to work, because I can't stand the thought of more people dying because I... I'm not in love.”
“I get it. Believe me I do, but, Cass, what you're saying is you are going to be in a loveless marriage and bring a child into that. The prophecy makes it sound like you fight for the man you love as much as the child you brought into the world together. If you have to force yourself to be with him, surely he can't be the right person.”