I watched as drops of rain delicately touched his face as they began to dampen his hair. Everyone around us was beginning to run for cover, popping out their umbrellas and covering themselves with newspapers as Clint and I stood motionless in the rain.
“I don’t know,” he said. “It’s all so sudden; it’s overwhelming.”
“It doesn’t need to be,” I replied. “It’s actually very simple.”
I knew that, for me, things had always been simple. I had always known that I was attracted to men, so I had never put myself through the agony of having to figure that out against everyone else’s wishes. However, I understood that it was different for Clint, as he had lived his entire life with a different identity.
“You don’t need to make it more complicated than it is,” I added, hoping to give him some confidence.
He nodded his head as if he understood, but I wasn’t sure that he did.
“Look,” I continued, “we need to get out of the rain. Why don’t we go back to my place and dry off? It’s only a few blocks away.”
I could tell from the expression on his face that he desperately wanted to go back to my place with me, but I could also see that he was still conflicted. At that point, I wasn’t sure if there was anything else I could do. I wanted to be near him; in fact, I wanted to spend the entire night with him, but I didn’t want to pressure him into something he didn’t want.
“I don’t know,” he said, finally answering me.
“I see,” I replied, starting to feel frustrated again.
I understood that people need time to figure out these things, but something about this situation didn’t feel right to me. I had already gone through the phase of self-discovery in my life, and I wasn’t sure that I was ready to go through it with someone else.
“You’ve been with Kelly for two weeks,” I added, “and it seems like you’re already over it. Do you want to end the relationship with her?”
It wasn’t the question I truly wanted to ask, but I thought we could at least get the conversation going in the right direction. If Clint could acknowledge that his time with Kelly needed to come to an end, then maybe we could build on that.
He hesitated before finally replying, “I don’t know.”
I wasn’t sure how to respond; I could finally see that he wasn’t going to arrive at a big decision that night, and I didn’t want to be the one to pressure him. Shaking my head, I reached up to wipe the rain away from my face, before realizing that I was actually wiping away a few tears as well.
“I’m sorry,” he said, and I could hear the pain in his voice.
“Me too,” I replied, turning to walk away.
I didn’t want to end the conversation in such an abrupt manner, but I was starting to take things personally. He had told me that he was attracted to me, and that he couldn’t stop thinking about me, yet he wasn’t willing to do anything about it.
“Where are you going?” he asked as I walked away.
Without turning around to face him, I replied, “I’m going home.”
10
Most of my day had been spent slinking back and forth in my apartment, not wanting to go outside and not wanting to talk with anyone. I had called the owner of The Warehouse and told him that I would not be in for work that night; it was the first time I had never called out of work since I started there.
He was understanding, which was surprising because he generally carried himself like an out-of-control tyrant. Since it was my first time, I guessed that he was willing to overlook it. Thinking about the money I’d be missing out on by not working, I walked into the kitchen and poured myself a cup of coffee.
Greg had been texting me all day, wondering why I wasn’t coming into work. Word must have traveled quickly among our fellow dancers, but I knew that one of them wouldn’t mind stepping in and taking my place. Looking down at my phone, I saw that Clint had not called or texted me all day, and the feeling was disappointing.
I walked back into the living room, plopped myself down on the couch, and flipped through channels on the television before giving up and turning it off. Wondering if Clint was still in the city, I decided to go out for a walk, but my phone rang before I could get dressed. Glancing at the caller identification, I could see that it was Clint who was calling.
My heart skipped a beat, and I wondered why he would call instead of his normal method of texting. For a moment, I hesitated before answering, wondering if I should pick up the call and deal with more denials from Clint. Still, if he was willing to call, he must have something to say, so I decided to answer.
“Hello?” I said cautiously, not wanting to sound too eager.
“Nic?” he asked, calling me by my abbreviated name.
It sounded wonderful coming from him, and I couldn’t understand why it felt so different than when other people called me Nic.
“Yes?” I asked, probably sounded much more defensive than I originally planned.
“I just…” he began, his voice trailing off as he tried to think of what to say. “I just wanted to apologize for last night.”
“It’s okay,” I lied, knowing that it wasn’t okay.
Thankfully, he seemed to agree with me and he replied, “Not it’s not. I’m out in the Hamptons right now with a group of my friends, and I’m miserable.”
“You decided to head out there after all?” I asked, disappointed that he was no longer in Manhattan.
“Yes,” he replied. “Kelly wanted me to come out so I asked a couple of my buddies if they would come too. I took the bus out earlier today, but I’m not enjoying myself at all.”
“Why?” I asked, hoping he would provide the answer I wanted.
“I want to see you,” he replied, ignoring my question and making a demand. “Can you come out here?”
“Out where?” I asked, furrowing my brow at the suggestion of spending time with him and Kelly. “To the Hamptons?”
“Yes,” he replied. “There’s a bus that leaves from Penn Station in a couple of hours; will you come out?”
“Don’t you think that’ll be a little awkward?” I asked. “I’m not sure that Kelly would be thrilled about that.”
“Things aren’t going well with Kelly,” he replied, “and I think it’s coming to an end.”
That’s what you’ve said a few times already, I thought.
Still, I couldn’t help but feel intrigued by his offer. I hadn’t left the island of Manhattan in several months, and I could use an escape.
“Where would I stay?” I asked. “Or were you hoping that I’d only come out for the day?”
“There’s a bed and breakfast which is walking distance from the house we’re in,” he answered. “You could stay there, I’ll pay for it.”
“You don’t have to –”
“No,” he said, interrupting my thought. “I want to. Will you come out?”
“Are you going to break up with Kelly?” I asked, immediately regretting putting him on the spot.
He didn’t reply, and I knew he was trying to avoid the question, but for some reason, in that moment, I didn’t care.
“Come out here,” he replied, commanding me with his deep voice. “Come out here and see me. Kelly is wrapped up with her friends, so you and I can go for a walk along the beach.”
Thinking about it for another moment, I finally agreed and told him that I’d take the bus. We ended the conversation, and I went into my bedroom to pack an overnight bag. The weather outside wasn’t exactly ideal beach weather, but I knew that I’d be able to manage with a light sweater and a positive attitude.
I wonder if he’ll finally make this happen, I thought, realizing that I had never waited for a guy to make the first move before.
Knowing that he wouldn’t invite me out without a plan, I smiled confidently as I thought about the fact that – by the end of the night – Clint might be mine.
11
Waiting at the bus stop for Clint to arrive, I watched as cars went by, counting
them and noting their color as I had nothing else to do. Clint had asked one of his friends if he could borrow his car to pick me up, and I was waiting patiently to see him. Finally, after about ten minutes, I noticed a black sedan pulling up with Clint in the driver’s seat. The expression on his face was like none I had seen before; he seemed ecstatic to see me, like he had been missing me all along.
That’s all well and good, I thought as I walked toward the car. But let’s see if he finally makes his move.
“Hi,” he said with a smile as I climbed into the passenger seat. “I’m glad you came out.”
“Oh?” I asked, focusing on my bag as I placed it on the floor and refusing to look over into his eyes.
I hadn’t planned on acting coy when I arrived, but something came over me, and I wanted to see how far he’d be willing to go.
“Yes,” he replied. “How was the bus ride?”
Finally looking over at him, I replied sarcastically, “It was a standard bus ride.”
“I expected as much,” he replied. “I’ve already called the bed and breakfast to check for rooms, and they have one available, so I booked it for you.”
“Oh, you didn’t have to –”
He interrupted me and replied, “It’s already paid for. They didn’t have any standard rooms left, so I got you a suite; I hope that’s okay.”
I couldn’t help but smile at his gesture. I was feeling a mixture of problematic emotions; excitement over seeing his handsome face, but trepidation about hiding myself over the next couple of days. It seemed as though he was not ready to break things off with Kelly, and I didn’t want to be the other person.
“I have no problem with a suite,” I replied honestly.
“It’s the biggest room they have,” he replied, “fit for a king. There’s a bedroom and a separate living room, so you’ll have lots of space. Plus, there’s a balcony looking over the beach out into the ocean.”
“Oh,” I replied, impressed with the accommodations, “I didn’t know it was directly on the beach.”
“I hope you won’t mind,” he said as he pulled back onto the street to drive us toward the bed and breakfast, “if I stop by and check out the view.”
I don’t mind at all, I thought. I just wonder which view you’re talking about.
“Where’s Kelly?” I asked, refusing to provide him with a concrete answer and still playing coy.
“She’s with her friends,” he answered, keeping his eyes on the road and driving toward the B&B. “I actually haven’t seen much of her since I arrived. We’ve been staying at her older sister’s house on the beach, and it’s a large place, so there’s plenty of room to hide.”
“Oh,” I replied, unsure of what else to say.
“As a matter of fact,” he said, “it’s a mansion; it’s huge, Kelly’s sister is wealthy.”
“Must be nice,” I replied, “to have a gigantic mansion on the beach in the Hamptons.”
“It’s okay,” he said with a sigh, “but not as much fun if you’re not really interested in being there.”
I couldn’t help myself, and I decided to ask a direct question. “Clint, why are you doing this to yourself? You seem miserable with Kelly. I just don’t get it.”
“I’m starting to ask myself the same questions.”
“I understand that you want a family,” I replied, “but there are lots of ways to have a family, Clint. You’ve only been seeing this girl for a few weeks. I just don’t get it.”
“I know,” he replied, “and that’s one of the reasons why I wanted you to come out here.”
“Why?” I asked. “Are you hoping she’ll catch us together and finally end things, so you won’t have to do it yourself?”
I quickly realized that my words were probably too harsh, but I couldn’t help myself. In my excitement about seeing Clint again, I hadn’t allowed myself to think about the reality that we were both facing.
“Maybe,” he replied candidly. “But I don’t think that’s it. You need to understand something, Nic.”
“What’s that?” I asked cautiously.
“I like you,” he replied.
My heart skipped yet another beat upon hearing his words. Not that I didn’t already suspect it, but it was nice to hear it out loud.
As if he could read my thoughts, he added, “I think you already know that.”
I couldn’t help but smile, and he noticed.
“But there’s something else I need to tell you,” he continued, focusing his eyes on the road again. “Last night, when you turned around and walked away from me, that really hurt me, Nic.”
“It did?” I asked, not realizing that it had had such an impact on him.
“Yes,” he replied. “I think we both know I’m on the verge of some kind of discovery here. I’m honest enough with myself to acknowledge that. But you need to understand something: these things take time. I just met you the other day, and you’re awakening these things inside me that…”
His voice trailed off, and I could tell that he was having difficulty trying to think of how to finish his thought. I didn’t know that I was the first guy he ever had these thoughts about, and I was flattered to hear it. I quickly realized how impatient I had been. In my selfishness, I had forgotten that self-discovery usually takes a while, and I needed to be easygoing.
Finally, he added, “I just need time, you know? These things can’t be rushed.”
“And what about Kelly?”
“What about her?” he asked casually, as if he hadn’t even thought of her until I brought her up. “To say that she’s a slow-mover would be an understatement.”
“Oh?” I asked, curious for him to expand on that.
“Yep,” he replied. “She was raised in an ultraconservative, hyper-religious family. We haven’t even fooled around yet.”
I was shocked at what I was wearing. Clint was easily one of the most handsome men I had ever seen in my life, not to mention that we were both still young. To think that he would be willing to wait two weeks for sex was shocking.
“You haven’t had sex?” I asked, hoping that I wasn’t overstepping a boundary.
“Nope,” he replied. “She made it clear when we first met that she likes to move slow”.
As he spoke, he lifted his hands from the steering wheel to use air quotes showing the move slow part. I could tell that he was frustrated, but it didn’t seem like he was taking her denial personally. If anything, the realization that he hadn’t had sex in at least two weeks – if not longer – made me even more attracted to him.
I found myself suddenly looking at him in a different light. I had assumed that he and Kelly were at least fooling around, and it made me happy to know that they weren’t. It also made me feel slightly less guilty about sneaking around with him.
Finally, I replied, “That must be frustrating.”
Instead of responding, Clint burst into laughter, which caused me to do the same.
“Frustrating,” he replied in a joking tone. “You don’t even know the half of it.”
“So,” I said, hoping to learn a little more about their relationship. “Why are you so attached to her?”
“Attached?” he asked casually, implying that he was not. “I wouldn’t say that at all. It’s just that, since I met you, things have changed.”
I was happy to hear that, and I didn’t want to push the matter further as it might remove some of the mystery from things. I sat back in the passenger seat, watching rows of houses as we passed them, waiting to arrive at our destination.
As Clint pulled into the parking lot of the B&B, I gazed up at it in wonder. It was built in a traditional New England style, typical of architecture in the Hamptons. Smiling to myself, I realized that I was in for a fun night of looking out over the waves as they crashed onto the beach.
“How many nights did you book?” I asked as we climbed out of the car.
“One night,” he replied, “but it can easily be extended into two.”
Winking at me, we both walked around to the trunk and I pulled out my bag. Immediately, Clint took the bag from me and insisted upon carrying it inside. As we walked into the lobby, I could see that the place was surprisingly empty. Knowing that the cooler weather was probably deterring potential guests, I was happy to know that I’d have as much privacy as I wanted.
Still, I couldn’t figure out why Clint had mentioned that all the standard rooms were taken. As we walked up to the front desk, I realized that he probably only said that so he could treat me to a larger suite.
“Hello,” the young woman at the front desk beamed as we walked up. “Are you checking in?”
“Yes,” I replied.
Clint spoke with her for a moment as I fidgeted with my bags. A few seconds later, I had a room key in my hand and we walked toward the stairs. The house was large, but not large enough to require an elevator, so we took the stairs up to the second floor. Everything felt secluded and quiet, and I knew that it would be a peaceful night.
“How far is this place from where you’re staying?” I asked.
“It’s about a fifteen-minute walk along the beach,” he replied. “The house we’re in is directly on the beach as well.”
“So, we’ll be pretty close by?” I asked, realizing that he wouldn’t be far at all.
“Yep,” he said, inserting the key into the slot and opening the door.
The room itself was stunning. We walked into the living room and I tossed my bag onto the couch, walking over to slide the glass doors open and walk out onto the private balcony. The view of the beach and the ocean beyond were simply captivating. I stood silently for a moment, listening as the waves crashed onto the beach.
“This is beautiful,” I said, listening as Clint walked up behind me.
“Yes,” he replied, “it is.”
I wasn’t sure if he was talking about the ocean, the beach, or me, but I was hoping it was the latter.
“I think I might need to extend the stay to two nights,” I said with a cheeky grin, wondering if he’d go for it.
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