by Mikki Sadil
Julie came around to the back door and just walked on in, like she’d been doing ever since we became friends. She sat down at the table, looked at me with tears in her eyes. “Hi.”
I handed her a cup of hot chocolate. “Okay, what’s going on? Why are you crying?”
She took a cookie and began crumbling it up. Obviously, she hadn’t gotten out of that habit. At first she didn’t answer, she just messed with the cookie until it was in tiny pieces.
“AJ, I’m so sorry about how Jaime and I treated you after Celine came. I have missed you so much. I really want to be friends again. Please believe me.”
I started to laugh, but then I remembered how hard it had been for me to apologize to Lisa and Amberley, when Jaime told them I hadn’t liked them.
“You and Jaime shut me out of your lives practically the minute you met Celine. You’ve practically ignored me ever since then. And now all of a sudden you want to be friends again? Why should I believe that?”
She took another cookie and started shredding it. “I know you probably don’t believe me. Look, you know that Jaime and I grew up together, ever since we were in the same preschool. I’ve always done whatever she wanted to do. I don’t think I’ve ever really done anything she didn’t like or want to do herself.”
“I know that, but when Celine came and you guys started going around with her, you didn’t have to leave me out. You could have stood up for me, just once, but you didn’t.”
“I know. I’m so sorry I didn’t. I got caught up with Celine and all her stories. Jaime thought she was the greatest person in school, and I went along with it. She is different, you know. She’s a lot more sophisticated than any of the kids we know, and she’s got all the great stories about her life in New York. It was fun, AJ, it was fun being with her…until she started being so nasty to you. By then, I don’t know…I couldn’t seem to break away.”
I almost bit my tongue off so I wouldn’t tell her the truth about ‘sophisticated’ Celine. But I stopped in time.
Julie reached for another cookie, and I slapped her hand. “For gosh sakes, Jules, if you want a cookie, eat it. Quit making such a mess! You’re just like a little kid.”
She looked at me and a smile began on her lips. A moment later, we were both laughing so hard tears were running down our cheeks.
When we finally stopped, I took a deep breath. “What about Jaime? Does she know you want to be friends with me again?”
Julie shook her head. “Jaime and I …uh…we aren’t really best friends anymore. She never wants to do anything with just me. We always have to include Celine. And sometimes they do things together and don’t ask me.” Her eyes got tears again.
Now I felt even worse. Was I just a substitute for Jaime all of a sudden?
“So, now you want to be friends with me again, because Jaime is cutting you out, too? What happens if Jaime and Celine start including you, are you’re going to dump me again? That sucks, Julie.” I stopped feeling hurt and started getting mad.
Her face turned white and her eyes got real big. “Oh no, AJ! Oh, I knew I’d say this all wrong. Look…I’ve wanted to stay friends with you all along. I thought when Celine moved here we’d have one more person to do things with. But…well…she kinda took over and Jaime let her. And, uh, well, so did I.”
I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t want to get my feelings hurt again, and besides, the more I talked to her, the madder I got. How could she and Jaime throw away our best friendship simply because some rich girl moved in and wanted to take everything over? I twisted a red curl around my finger and frowned at her.
“I don’t know, Julie. It’s really hard to believe that you would give up Jaime for me, when you’ve been friends forever.”
Julie played with another cookie. “Look, I don’t blame you for not trusting me. But when we were friends, we never lied to each other, did we?”
I shrugged. “No, we didn’t.”
“I promise, AJ, I’m not lying now. Celine has gotten really nasty, and Jaime is, well, she’s not like the real Jaime anymore. She’s a phony, just like Celine. It’s almost like she’s become a, you know, a clone. Yeah, a clone of Celine. I really want our friendship back. Honest. I really miss you.”
I had missed her, too, but I didn’t want to tell her that right away. I wanted to see if she meant what she said. I guess I wasn’t being very nice, but this was all happening too suddenly, like everything else in my life right now.
Before I could say anything more, the twins and my mom came home, and when they saw Julie, Sarah said, “Julie! You’re back! We’re…”
“…glad to see you! Are you…” Suzanne said.
“…friends with AJ again?” finished Sarah.
Aaagh! My sisters can be so embarrassing at times. Mom came to the rescue. Before Julie could answer, Mom herded the twins out of the kitchen.
“Come on, girls. You need to get your new clothes put away before they get messed up. You can talk to Julie later.”
Julie got up. “I’d better go. I’m so glad you let me come over. We can be friends again, can’t we, AJ?”
I sighed. “I don’t know. Honestly. I want to be friends, but…”
Julie’s eyes filled with tears again.
“Let’s see how things go for a while, okay? At least we can talk, kind of like we used to, okay?”
When Julie left, I leaned against the back door and closed my eyes. Mom came in and sat down at the table. She picked up a cookie and laughed. “I see Julie was upset while she was here. There’s at least a pound of cookie crumbs on the table. What was that all about, anyway?”
I told her why Julie had come over. “Mom, do you think I should be friends with her again? Do you think I can trust her to not drop me again?”
“I can’t answer that, honey.” Mom put the cookie down. “You’ve had a lot of things to work through the past few months. I’m so proud of what you’ve done, with Sunni, with your cheerleading, and how you handled the rift between you and Lisa and Amberley.” She reached across the table and took my hand. “You’ve grown up a lot lately. I know how difficult Amberley’s death has been for you. But I can’t tell you how to handle this. You have to decide for yourself what to do about Julie.” She hesitated for a moment. “But the one thing I don’t want you to do is make a decision you’ll regret. If you want to be friends again, that’s fine, but it needs to be for the right reasons. There’s been too much hurt going around here the last few months. Do you understand what I’m saying?”
I twisted that curl again. “Yeah, I think so. You mean that I shouldn’t be friends again with Julie only because Amberley is…is gone. But you know, Mom, I’ve been thinking about a lot of things since…she died. Life is really unpredictable, isn’t it? I mean, I never thought kids our age could die. It hurts a lot, and I don’t want to lose any more friends. I always wanted to stay friends with Julie and Jaime, even after it seemed like they didn’t like me like they used to. If I have the chance to make up with Julie, don’t you think I should?”
Mom smiled her sweet smile that I hadn’t seen much lately, the one that goes all the way up into her eyes. “You know, AJ, I don’t think I’ve realized until this minute just how much you have grown up. I’m not going to tell you what you should or shouldn’t do. Whatever you do, I know that it will be the right thing for you.”
Journal, Friday, Nov.12th
I think Julie and I are starting to be friends again. I still walk to school by myself, and I’ve seen Julie walking alone, too. She doesn’t go around with Jaime and Celine at school, either. But it seems too soon to be, like, best friends. We walk from homeroom to our history class together, like we used to, and we talk on the phone at night. It’s not the same, though. Mom says I can’t go back to where things used to be, so I guess we have to start all over again and see what happens. But Lisa and Julie don’t seem to like each other much, and I won’t do things with Julie if we can’t have Lisa with us. Gee, why is friendship so hard to wo
rk at?
Sometimes I think I just want to be all by myself.
All for now.
I was helping Andrew clean up the kitchen after dinner when the phone rang. Mom answered, then she called me and said it was Dad.
“Hi Dad! I’m so glad you…”
He interrupted me, and his voice was angry. He didn’t even say hello. “I just received your letter, AJ. I want to know what you are referring to when you say I’m not the same with you when Katherine is around? Of course I’m the same as I’ve always been. What is this, now you’re jealous of Katherine? That is a terrible thing to be, and I won’t stand for it, so don’t go throwing any temper tantrums, young lady.”
He was talking so loud and so fast he wouldn’t even let me answer his questions. When he finally stopped yelling, I tried to explain. “Dad, I’m not throwing a tantrum. I tried to explain in my letter. You are different when Katherine is around. You don’t want to talk to me or even listen to me. That’s not how you usually are with me, and…”
“I’m not going to listen to this nonsense, AJ. Katherine has nothing to do with the relationship between you and me.” He paused, and his voice sounded really suspicious as he went on. “Is this something your mother put you up to? Blaming Katherine for your disrespect towards her? Well, young lady, that isn’t going to work. Don’t think that because of the divorce you can play on my sympathy and get your own way. That is not going to happen, do you understand?”
It was useless. I understood, all right. He didn’t want to hear about my feelings. He was only interested in Katherine. I had taken a long time to write that letter, because I wanted to say the right things. I had put all my hurt about that weekend in my letter to him. I had even apologized again about ruining the dinner, even though I knew it wasn’t really my fault. And I told him all about Amberley dying and how I felt about that. He didn’t even bring Amberley up. He didn’t get it.
He doesn’t want to ‘get it’, said that little voice. It’s all about Katherine now, so forget about your ‘special bond’. It doesn’t exist any longer. This time, I had nothing to say in response.
Journal, November 24th
It’s been 2 weeks since I wrote anything. I’ve been really busy with homework and cheerleading practice. Another competition was scheduled for today but we couldn’t enter, thanks to Celine. Lisa and I have a new cheerleading partner, Min Jee. She’s from Korea and she’s really cool. She’s got this cute accent and she’s a great gymnast. Julie told Coach Williams she didn’t want to partner with Jaime and Celine anymore, and he actually changed a couple of the groups around. Now Julie is with a couple of other girls and she likes it better. She likes Min Jee, too, so the four of us hang out after practice. I told Coach I didn’t want to be senior captain. He wasn’t happy but he gave the position to Molly, and I’m just a team member. Fine by me, and now I don’t have to deal with Celine and Jaime, either, because we’re all equal. More or less.
Hmm, Mom’s calling. I wonder what I forgot now.
Journal, New Year’s Day
Christmas vacation is over. I’m glad, this time. It hasn’t been much fun. Oh, but something neat did happen. Cooper told me he liked me! You know, he liked me! He’s really nice, and we’ve started riding together when it’s not snowing. It’s kind of funny, though, having a boy friend. But the thing is…I’m not into this kissing stuff, so I hope he doesn’t try anything like that.
Dad wasn’t here for any of the holidays. Christmas Day was really quiet with just Mom and us. Grammy and Gramps couldn’t come, either, ’cause Grammy had the flu. Mom made a big dinner like always, but it was pretty strange without Dad and his jokes. I guess we have to get used to that. I always thought my parents would be together forever. Well, that’s not exactly true. I mean, I never really thought about it at all. Parents are always together, aren’t they? So when they split up, it’s hard to figure out why. As far as I’m concerned, it’s all K’s fault. She came between Mom and Dad and now she’s come between Dad and me. I don’t care what he says, that’s what I believe. I’m not ever going to be friends with her. I think I hate her. Phone’s ringing, gotta go.
* * * *
Tuesday, January fourteenth, is a day I’ll never forget. Right before lunch I walked into the restroom and heard someone crying. It came from behind one of the closed stall doors. I peeked underneath and saw a shadow, so I pushed on the door and it swung open. It was Celine. She was huddled on the floor, crying so hard she was shaking. I started to back out, but then I saw that her face was covered with bruises. I felt a strange tingling at the base of my neck, and goose bumps popped out on my arms. Her usually overly sweet perfume smelled sour and made my nose wrinkle up. I wanted to run out of the restroom, but somehow, I couldn’t move my feet.
“Celine! Oh gosh, what happened? Can I help?”
She shook her head and staggered up. She pushed me out of the way and wobbled over to the sink, where she began to wash her face. The sleeves of her sweater were shoved up, and I saw ugly marks on her arms. She glanced at me in the mirror and saw me looking at her arms. She pushed her sleeves down and turned to me with her familiar snarl.
“What are you looking at, dweeb?” Her voice was hoarse and raspy from crying.
“Oh, just cool it, Celine. Look, you’re hurt, you’re covered in bruises, maybe you should go see Mrs. Pearle, or even Mr. Fox. I’ll go with you if you want me to.”
Celine’s eyes filled with tears again. “Just go away, AJ. Please. There’s nothing you can do. I want you to leave me alone.”
Before I could say anything, she stumbled past me and out the door.
Well, that was weird. But what’s even weirder is what happened two days later. I walked into homeroom and saw Celine talking with Jaime. She had on a long-sleeved sweater, a scarf around her neck, and makeup on her face. No one could see the bruises I knew were there. She gave me a really strange look, kind of like she was pleading with me. I’d never seen that look before, because usually she had her sneer in place when she saw me. I ignored her and sat down.
I didn’t think anything more about Celine until after lunch, when she sauntered into the girls’ room while I was washing my hands. “Hey, dweeb, I want to talk to you.”
“Celine, get out of my face. I don’t have anything to say to you.” I started to push past her.
She caught my arm and whispered, “Wait, please.” She let go of my arm before I could say anything to her. “AJ, I’m leaving school. You don’t owe me anything, but please don’t go telling anyone what you saw the other day, okay?”
I saw that same strange look that she’d had in homeroom. What was going on with her, anyway?
“Why are you leaving school? Does it have anything to do with all those bruises I saw?”
Her voice was husky, as though she still couldn’t talk very well. “I can’t tell you anything, AJ. Just please don’t tell anyone what you saw, okay? Please.”
“Look, Celine, I still don’t know why you don’t like me. I tried to help you and you didn’t want me to, so okay, fine. I won’t tell anyone anything. But…if I can help…or maybe my mom could…”
“No! You can’t tell your mother anything. Please, you just promised you wouldn’t say anything. We have a deal, right?” She sounded panicky.
I saw tears in her eyes and real fear on her face. Whatever was wrong was frightening her, but she still didn’t want my help. Fine.
“Okay, it’s a deal,” I said, and before I knew what was happening, she ran out of the restroom. I haven’t seen her since.
On January twenty-third, all the homeroom teachers were handing out flyers. I took one, read it, and gasped out loud. Celine was a “Missing Person, last seen in West Haven Middle School on January sixteenth.”
Mrs. Gorman looked up when I made that sound. “AJ? Do you know anything about this? You seem very surprised.”
I hesitated. Should I tell her what I had seen in the girls’ restroom? I had promised Celine not to say anything. We
had a deal.
“No, Mrs. Gorman. I just didn’t know she was missing.” Well, that much was true.
For the next few days, the whole school, in fact, the whole town, was buzzing with talk about Celine Carroll being missing. Almost everyone in school, including the teachers, coaches, and even Mr. Fox, was questioned. I was, too, along with Jaime and Julie, but the detective didn’t ask us…uh, me…any specific questions so I didn’t tell him about the bruises I’d seen.
For the first twenty-four hours, practically everyone in town was out looking for her. More police from Denver showed up with their police dogs and everyone’s barns, pastures…even outlying fields and shacks…were searched. But nothing turned up, not any clues of any kind. Even the FBI got involved.
The FBI questioned the man and woman Celine lived with, whoever they were. But they must not have found anything suspicious, because they left the couple alone. I wondered if they had searched the house, and if they did, how come they didn’t find that room I’d seen, with all the phones and electronic equipment?
So the extra police and their dogs went back to Denver and shortly, so did the Feds. Our police force and the news media went on to things they thought were more important. I wondered. How could a missing fifteen year old girl not be important enough to continue searching?
Cooper and I were sitting under a big tree. “Gee, Cooper, maybe the Chicago Mob thought Celine knew something about them and they kidnapped her. Maybe they’re going to torture and kill her!”
He laughed. “Come on, AJ, you’re letting your imagination run wild. She probably just ran away. Kids do that all the time.”
Yeah, they do. Especially if they have bruises all over their faces and arms like Celine had. What was that all about, anyway? I’ve never told Cooper about what I saw that day, or what Celine said to me. Now I was wondering if I should. But I promised…