by R. A. Rock
In fact, that little sentence was stirring a lot more than protectiveness inside me, though I knew that it was a bad idea to start anything — no matter what we had said to each other when we thought we were going to die.
I could hardly keep my eyes off that smooth expanse of skin, exposed for my view. And to make matters worse, her hair was down. She had brushed it and the long shining waves fell over her shoulders and down her back. I tried to calm down but the more I gazed, the more I wanted her. The only time Yumi wore her hair down was when we made love. At least, that was the only time I had seen it down, so I guess you could say that I had an association with the sight.
Fuck, I wanted her so much it was a physical ache inside me.
But it had nearly destroyed me to lose her the first time and I wasn’t sure I wanted to give her that much power over me again. I was doing okay. Life was sort of faded, but it was better than the constant pain I had been in after we lost her and each other all at once.
“Chad?”
Yumi sat cross-legged on the bed and I was perched on the stone bench that had been chiseled out of the cave wall. It was the only furniture other than the bed and I chose it to put as much distance between us as possible.
I didn’t have much faith in my ability to keep my hands off of her, if I got close enough to get a whiff of her sweet scent again.
“Yeah?”
She bit her lip and hesitated.
“That kiss…” She stopped again, picking some invisible lint off the covers.
“Yeah?” I said, my voice sounding strained even to my own ears.
“Shouldn’t we talk about it?”
Talk about it?
I definitely thought we should do something about it.
Like finish what we started.
But that wasn’t going to happen, so what good was there in talking?
“I don’t see that there’s any point,” I said and maybe it came out a little harsh because her face shut down a little.
“Oh.”
We sat in silence for another long while.
“Look, Yumi,” I finally said, unable to stand the suffocating atmosphere in the small room. “Chemistry between us was never the issue, was it?”
She shook her head, looking small and sad. Not the usual warrior woman I was used to seeing. The front she showed the world was tough. I was almost the only person who ever got to see the soft side of Yumi.
“I just thought…” Again, she didn’t finish her sentence, trailing off into contemplation.
I sighed.
“Tanaka, you need to understand something.”
She looked up.
“I am so very glad you forgive me for what I had to do. And it means more to me than you can ever imagine.”
I saw Yumi swallow, her eyes staring into my soul.
“But breaking up almost killed me the first time,” I said, trying to stay strong. I rubbed the spot on my right hand where the couples marking we both had was starting to show through. The cream must be wearing off because I could see the top of the Y. “I just don’t want to have to go through that ever again.”
“I understand that,” she said. “I don’t want to either, but…”
I steeled myself to resist her. Sleeping together would be heaven and hell — pretty much standard fare for our relationship. Heaven because it was all I wanted to do right now. Hell because if I slept with her and remembered how it had been and then I couldn’t have her anymore, it would be torture.
She bit her lip, a sure sign she was nervous. I took a deep breath, knowing that she was about to tell me something she didn’t want me to know. She was going to let me in. Damn it. Yumi letting down her defences always got to me. And I mean, really got to me. I could not resist vulnerable Yumi.
“But what?” I said, trying to participate in the conversation and not get lost in the fight that the devil and the angel on my shoulders were having.
She jumped off the bed and started pacing.
“But…” She stopped next to me and I could see her pupils were dilated and her nipples were hard. I thought I could smell her pheromones. She grabbed my face and planted a hard kiss on my lips, releasing me after only a couple seconds as if I was scorching her.
My mouth dropped open in surprise even as I got hard from the brief hot kiss.
“But how am I supposed to keep my hands off you after that kiss?” she said, her voice frustrated. “And one bed? We’re supposed to share a bed and not touch each other? I’m dying here. It’s been a very long year, Chad.”
I didn’t know what to say. I was so filled with desire I couldn’t even think straight. And the revelation that Yumi was burning for me, too, was doing crazy things to me. She was so good at hiding her emotions that I hadn’t known. I had honestly thought she hated me and wanted nothing to do with me.
God, I felt as though I was being torn into two ragged pieces. I wanted to do this so badly. But I knew how much pain could come of it. I cursed myself for having such self-discipline. All I wanted to do was push her down on to the bed and keep her there till she couldn’t walk. Why couldn’t I be weak like some guys and just do what felt good?
But on the other hand, I knew that sleeping with Yumi was a supremely bad idea. If just one kiss had me this inflamed, imagine if I could have all of her.
I would never be satisfied with one night.
I knew that.
Better not to start anything at all.
And with all the strength I could muster, I rejected her offer.
“You don’t have to tell me how long this year has been,” I said, looking away so I wouldn’t see the disappointment on her face. It was the most difficult thing I’ve ever done, turning her down. “But this is a bad idea, Yumi. I’ll stay on the bench here with a blanket. It’s better than making a mistake that we’ll regret.”
“A mistake we’ll regret,” she repeated and I could feel the hurt coming through the soul bond. “Yeah, I guess you’re right.”
She tossed me one of the extra blankets and I pretended I didn’t hear when she curled up on the bed and cried herself to sleep. As I wrapped the small blanket around myself and lay down on the hard bench, I pulled my mental shield tight around my mind as well, protecting myself in case her powers were still out of control.
I clenched my hands into fists and resisted my urge to comfort. Because I knew that it wouldn’t end with comforting. Not going to her was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. Needless to say, between my sexual frustration and the emotional pain of rejecting Yumi, I didn’t get a lot of sleep that night.
The Morning After
Yumi
I woke up in the underground Survivor community feeling more bleak and weary than I had since I lost her. I had thought that maybe after forgiving each other when we were about to die and that… kiss… that maybe, just maybe Chad and I might get back together. I stared up at the rock ceiling, feeling like I was suffocating. I wanted out of here.
Thank goodness they were letting us go today. I didn’t want to spend even one more second with Chad in this small space. And though I just wanted to curl up and go back to sleep because I was so exhausted, I dragged my butt out of bed.
If Chad hadn’t pushed me away, last night, I would have been tired this morning but for a completely different reason. Because if he had joined me in the double bed, there was no way I would have let him get any sleep at all.
Of course, that hadn’t happened.
And obviously I had been pretty far off with that hope. Chad couldn’t have been as affected by the kiss and the near death experience as I had been or he wouldn’t have rejected me.
I swallowed and vowed that I wouldn’t cry again today. My eyes were already aching and swollen from yesterday’s tears. I stood up and looked around for him. Chad had slept on that hard stone bench the entire night, so he probably hadn’t got much rest, either. I was surprised to see that he was gone.
I went into the bathroom to use it and wash up.
When I came out, I saw my clothes on the bed. They must have unlocked the door while I was in the bathroom. I was glad to have my own things back. Whoever opened the door must have left them. And they had been washed. I was never so glad to see clean laundry.
I got dressed and pulled my hair back into a messy ponytail, not caring what I looked like. It didn’t matter.
I couldn’t bring myself to have an appetite but I wasn’t going to let Chad see how much he had hurt me and not eating would be a definite sign that I was upset. I decided to wander around and find that great hall/cafeteria room we had been in the day before. It only took me a few minutes. I’m pretty good with knowing my way around.
The woman from the night before was serving breakfast and she offered me some flat bread and a fried vegetable mix that seemed to be mostly cabbage.
It tasted delicious after the dried rations we had been eating on the trip.
“Thank you,” I told her. “Do you know where…”
I hesitated, not wanting to say his name, knowing that it would hurt. But the woman didn’t seem to notice.
“Where your husband is?” She guessed.
“Right, yes,” I said. “Do you know where my husband is?”
“He and Kyle are getting ready. You’re just in time. They were probably coming to get you because they want to get an early start before the heat of the day. It’s a couple hour ride to the edge of The Wastelands.”
These people were pretty cool — except for kidnapping strangers and forcing them to get married in order to add new blood to their population. But with Chad as our lawyer, we had managed to avoid being sold as new partners for the singles in the community, so that had been alright. I felt the heavy depression trying to come in and weigh me down again and I roughly shoved the thought of Chad out of my mind.
I felt grateful again that these people were helping us. They could have left us to the Plague Carriers. They could have killed us. Or made us stay here in spite of Chad’s sweet talking. And instead they were giving us safe passage across their stretch of The Wastelands. It kind of warmed my heart that even in such terrible circumstances as existed right now, people were still kind.
“Why do you live here?” I said, curious.
“It’s home,” she said, with a shrug. “That other world, before the solar flare, seems like a lifetime ago. Now, we live a simple life. We have our partners that bring us happiness. We grow food. And we enjoy life. What else is there when all the technology and trappings of civilization has been wiped away? What’s left except the people you care about?”
I felt tears in my eyes again and blinked them away.
I was not going to cry today.
But her words made me wonder what the hell had happened to Grace, Shiv, and Audrey. Chad had told me about how they had disappeared as if Grace had teleported them by accident. No doubt, her powers were screwed up, too.
I wondered where they had gone, if they were okay, and how they would get back if she didn’t dare teleport them again.
Then I pushed all thoughts of them out of my mind. It wouldn’t do to worry. Whatever was happening, I couldn’t do anything about it at the moment.
***
Yumi
I followed the directions the woman gave me and found the men in what seemed to be a garage. I straightened my spine and wiped every emotion off my face before I entered. There was no way I was going to show how devastated I was by last night’s conversation.
Kyle was checking over a motorcycle that had a sidecar. Chad was leaning with his arms crossed against the work table that spanned the length of one wall, watching Kyle as he worked.
“Ah, there you are,” Kyle said. I noticed that he had never asked us our names. And I wondered if he was trying to keep his distance from us. “Ready to go?”
I nodded, finally daring to look at Chad.
“Hey,” I said, as if he was some casual acquaintance that I didn’t give a shit about.
“Hey.”
Kyle looked back and forth between the two of us.
“Lover’s quarrel?” he said, accurately assessing the arctic atmosphere between us.
“Yep,” Chad said, putting on what I could see was a false smile, though Kyle seemed to have no idea it was fake. “I had to finally tell her I needed to stop last night. Had to get some rest, you know?”
Kyle’s eyes lit up and he leaned in as Chad bent his head towards the other man.
“She’s insatiable,” he whispered.
If looks could kill, Chad would be a very dead man. He was lucky my powers only extended to telepathy and not shooting lasers out my eyes. If I was Gracie, he would be a puff of smoke right now.
“Yeah, my little lady likes it, too,” Kyle said. “That’s good. Better than a cold woman.”
Chad nodded sagely as if there was nothing worse than a cold woman. The bastard.
“I personally think a cold man is far worse,” I said, looking daggers at Chad, who was pressing his lips together as if he was trying to hide a smile. It infuriated me more to think that he was taking it so lightly that he could laugh about what happened last night.
“You would think that, wouldn’t you?” Kyle said, with a wide smile for me — the insatiable sex goddess who hadn’t got any last night. “Hope you won’t find it difficult to ride behind me.”
“Why would it be difficult?” I said, not sure what he was getting at.
“These vehicles vibrate an awful lot,” he said, and then broke into a loud guffaw. Chad laughed too, and I turned and stalked out.
“We leave in twenty minutes,” Kyle called after me.
Great. I couldn’t wait to get away from here and the site where Chad had pushed me away. I felt the humiliation and hurt all over again just thinking about it.
Yeah, I wanted out of here.
This place fucking sucked.
The Edge of The Wastelands
Chad
I stared at Yumi’s back as she strode out of the garage, wondering if she had found some breakfast before she came here. We were supposed to leave soon.
Kyle had really been over the top with that last one and clearly Yumi hadn’t appreciated it. Still it had been necessary to play along in order to keep our cover as a happily married couple.
And I had to admit I enjoyed joking around with him, in this garage that smelled like ancient oil, which I had never seen before. It felt manly somehow. Though making jokes at Yumi’s expense was wrong. Still, I enjoyed talking with another guy. Though it had only been a day, I missed Shiv. I wondered what had happened to them.
Then I pushed the thought out of my mind. There was nothing to be done. At the moment, we needed to get out of this underground community and safely out of The Wastelands. Then we could worry about what had happened to Grace, Shiv, and Audrey. Till Yumi and I were safe, worrying about the others would only make me miserable.
And last night had been miserable enough, having to sleep by myself on the hard bench, having to listen to Yumi cry and not be able to comfort her, and wondering what had happened to my sister and friends.
Today, I was trying to put on a cheerful front.
It was mostly working.
Yumi seemed pissed but she was blocking the soul bond and I couldn’t really tell, what with her expressionless face.
Of course, usually the expressionless face meant that she was hiding strong emotions. I felt a stab of guilt. I knew that rejecting her last night would bother her. But I hadn’t thought it was that big of a deal for her. Then again, she had cried, which she almost never did.
Fuck. Had I really hurt her? Badly?
I knew that, personally, after denying myself the pleasure and comfort of her body, I felt like a star had gone super nova inside me exploding and tearing me to pieces. The conflict had ripped me to shreds all night. But Yumi was much tougher than me. I couldn’t have hurt her that much. Could I?
I grimaced.
Of course I could.
Damn, my life was a fucking disast
er.
How had I ended up with everything in such a mess?
“Okay,” Kyle said. “The bike’s ready. Want to go find your lady and we’ll get going?
I nodded, though I was pretty sure Yumi would rather eat a bucket of sand from The Wastelands than be called my lady today.
***
We had been riding for a couple hours without a break. Kyle hadn’t bothered with the blindfolds this time and we had gone from their community which was located at the north eastern edge of The Wastelands, and headed south-ish across the sand.
The air was hot and smelled nasty from the chemicals in the air. I was tired of being jostled around in the side car and I was pretty sure I would have a huge bruise on my hip where I kept hitting the same spot every time we went over a bump. And the noise of the vehicle was really getting to me. These things had seemed a lot cooler in the old movies than they actually were in real life.
Yumi was riding on the bike, hanging on to Kyle’s waist. Her black hair whipped out behind her, wild. It bothered me more than I wanted to admit that she was touching him. Even though he was happily married and after last night I knew that she was definitely into me. Still, a stab of jealousy that I knew was completely irrational went through me at the thought of her arms around another man.
But I was the one who had pushed her away. I didn’t really have any right to tell her who to put her arms around. Sure, we were still married but I had told her that we were still broken up and I had rejected her.
I had no right to be jealous.
And yet I was.
After more endless bumping miles, we eventually ground to a halt.
***
Yumi
I hopped off the bike and tried to finger comb my hair, which was full of tangles after my ponytail had come out about ten minutes into the ride. After a minute, I had it in a messy braid. It would have to do.
“Well, this is where I leave you,” Kyle said, indicating the normal healthy prairie that stretched away ahead of us. He sat on the bike, his feet on the ground to balance it.