by B. R. Myers
“We got lucky, actually,” she continued, ignoring my mouth hanging open. “Kirk managed to get in touch with a former employee, someone with lots of experience. Finally, a few days ago, he agreed to return.”
I stared at him. “You did what?”
His face was expressionless. “It means you’re moving out of Cabin 4,” he explained carefully.
“It’s 4A,” I enunciated sharply.
“Yes,” Susan continued. “Alicia’s requested to leave at the end of July. You can be her assistant and help out with water safety lessons, then in August, take over for her. Don’t worry, we won’t put you in a tent,” she laughed. “There’s a small shed, um…cabin that’s empty right now. You’ll have the whole place to yourself.”
“No,” I said.
“Sorry?” Susan leaned her ear toward me, as if she heard wrong.
“I don’t want to leave Cabin 4A.”
Kirk’s voice was cautious. “It’s been in the works since we discovered the mix-up the first day,” he said. He paused, waiting for me to say something.
I was stunned. I looked at him, trying to figure out what the hell was going on. “But…you knew all along and never said anything?”
“Jessica,” Susan said. “You’ve done a good job with the boys, but the fact that you’ve been in this office the last two weeks more times than any other counsellor this summer says something.” Her voice kicked into authority mode. “Spencer’s father owns this camp.”
“And he’s never here,” I blurted out. “Maybe if he dropped by I could talk with him.”
“Spencer’s father has been aware of the antics going on from day one,” she said, staring at me from under her Tilley hat. “He wanted you removed.”
“What?”
“Once you have some time to think about this, you’ll understand.” She came around the desk and put a hand on my shoulder. “Trust me, you’ll be much happier on your own.”
“You can’t take the boys from me,” I said. “Look.” I pointed to the empty glass case. “I’ll run the race for you. I’ll win you the cup.”
“That’s great news,” she smiled. “But you’re still leaving Cabin 4.
“It’s 4A.” My voice cracked.
Susan ignored me “Your replacement is already on his way.”
“But…”
“Jesse.” Kirk leaned close. “It’s not a bad thing.”
Then why did I feel like I’d been slapped in the face?
Before the words screaming through my head came out, I fumbled with the doorknob, then raced through the lounge and down the stairs.
From the very beginning, my days had been numbered. It didn’t matter that I jumped in after Liam, or stopped Spencer from blurting out Devin’s name. The eel in my bed, my underwear on display, and all the comments and crap I’d dealt with were meaningless.
What use is gumption, I thought, when the blond bitch always gets her way? No wonder Lacey was so excited at breakfast. I pictured her waiting on the porch, offering to help me pack. Her stupid comments about how tough boys are, knowing all the while Susan and Kirk were auditioning my replacement.
Kirk. Damn it.
Betrayed again by Spencer. I could imagine the emails to dear Dad complaining about the clueless girl counsellor.
I entered the main hall. The last few kids filed past me. I closed the door, standing alone in the empty room.
“FUCK!”
My profanity echoed off the walls, filling the room with all my anger. It felt so good I did it again, even louder.
The swinging door to the kitchen opened and Lewis stood there. He looked around the room. “Maybe once,” he said, “we could start a conversation the normal way. What happened? Did you stub your toe?”
I shook my head. “I’ve been replaced.”
Lewis let me slobber through my latest drama again. He stayed silent until I finished my story. “And then I came in here and screamed ‘Fuck,’” I sniffed.
“What will you be doing now?” he asked.
“Nothing,” I sulked. “Only helping Alicia.”
The door opened and Kirk walked in. “Hi,” he said, carefully.
I gave him a sign Duff didn’t have to teach me.
“Nice.”
“I don’t care,” I told him. “I’m not going for the Putnam Award.”
Kirk walked up to me with his hands out to the side, palms up, like he was surrendering. “Look,” he began, “I know you’re upset.”
“Upset? You lied to me from the start!”
“Jesse,” he sighed, “it’s not like that.”
“Then why does it feel like I’ve failed?”
Kirk shook his head. “You haven’t failed. That’s ridiculous.”
“What’s ridiculous is thinking anyone around here actually gives a damn about someone other than themselves. This should be called Camp Selfish Idiot Lake. Well, except you, Lewis.”
“Um…thanks,” he said.
Kirk reached for me, but I backed away. “I don’t know what to say to make you feel better,” he said.
I glared back at him. “Tell me you can fix this.”
“Fix what? Nothing is broken! You’re going to have your own cabin…”
I blurted out, “It’s a SHED!”
Kirk continued, raising his own voice. “And the guys will have the counsellor they were meant to have.”
“Ah-ha!” I pointed my finger in his face. “You just said it. You never thought I could handle it. From the very first day, you’ve been waiting for me to quit.”
“Don’t do this,” he said. “I don’t want to fight.”
“Ask me.”
He looked confused. “Ask you what?”
“Lift that stupid eyebrow, and ask me the question you’ve been saying over and over, whenever the guys did something horrible to me.”
“Don’t…” he started.
“Ask it!” I was fighting the tears now.
Lewis stood in the middle, his head swivelling back and forth between Kirk and me like he was watching a tennis match.
Kirk crossed his arms and looked down at the floor. “Ready to quit?” he asked.
“Yes,” I said. “And I want to go home.”
His eyes flew up to my face.
I wanted to scream at Kirk, grab him by the shoulders and shake him. I needed to make him realize how none of what was happening to me was fair. But he didn’t see that. So I walked away.
“It was Susan’s idea,” he explained following behind. “She’s the camp director. Would you stop and listen?”
“Let go.” I pulled away from his grip.
“You’re not being fired,” he said, leaning in close. “Do you know how many counsellors would love to be able to goof off for the next two weeks?”
“Goof off? You don’t get it. It’s an insult. All the hard work will be for nothing. Can’t you see? If this had been the first hour, then maybe, yeah, I’d be excited about being Alicia’s assistant and having my own shed. But then we never would have gotten together. I wouldn’t have met Lewis, or gotten your attention, or raced after Spencer.”
“Please,” he said. “Stop freaking out.”
I took a few deep breaths. “It wasn’t supposed to end like this.”
He stared back at me, waiting for an explanation. But what could I say? This was supposed to be my summer of freedom; a chance to be the girl no one felt sorry for, a chance to get Old Jesse back. But it felt like none of that mattered anymore. “You don’t get it,” I finally said. “Everything I do gets messed up. Save yourself, and leave me alone.”
Kirk let me go. I couldn’t tell if he was confused or pissed. I spent the next hour walking around the soccer field, trying to zone out and forget how much it hurt. The pain was almost unbearable.
I
made my way back, dreading having to face Cabin 4A. “A” for always the loser.
I’ll be forgotten after the first tackle in touch football. Male bonding was what they wanted, not an impulsive, lovesick loser. Although, not so much lovesick anymore. This was all wrong. Kirk and I should have been picking up where we left off last night. Now I didn’t care. Well I did, but I didn’t want to.
I walked across the grassy slope. My plan was simple; slip into the cabin unnoticed, then pack and hide. Pack and hide. Brilliant. But I was spotted right away.
“Jesse,” Kirk said, appearing behind me, jogging to keep up. “I’m sorry.”
“For which part? Looking for a replacement behind my back or pretending to like me?”
“Why the hell would you say that?”
His tone made me stop. “We’re supposed to be making out behind a building right now,” I said. “But instead, I have to go pack my bag so I can be in charge of an empty cabin. I can’t believe someone who liked me would purposely do something to hurt me.”
Kirk gave me a pained look. “I didn’t know the guys meant that much to you,” he said. “From where I stood, you were battling them every day. I thought you would consider the new arrangement an escape.”
“I can’t explain it to you,” I said. “It was getting to be like an after-school special. Running with Spencer and standing up for Duff, I felt like I was finally getting a bit of my life back, and I don’t know, accepted by the boys, I guess.”
We stayed quiet, heads down, avoiding eye contact, choosing instead to stare at each other’s sneakers. Kirk leaned in, his voice soft. “What do you want me to do?” he asked.
“It doesn’t matter,” I sighed. “I’m the only one who thinks I can do the job. Cabin 4A wants a new counsellor.”
He reached for my hand and pulled me closer. “Nothing has changed. You’ll still see the guys every day. You can run with Spencer, you know, if you change your mind,” he paused. “And what about us? Don’t tell me you can forget last night.” He lightly held me by the waist.
I put my hands up against his chest. I could feel his heart pounding, almost keeping time with mine. My body remembered the fireworks from last night and ached to move against him. It would be so easy to fall into his arms and sneak off somewhere, but the romantic in me had hardened over the last hour. I simply didn’t trust him.
I leaned back, narrowing my eyes. “I overheard you and Lacey talking one night. If she didn’t get you to call this former counsellor, would there have been anyone to replace me?”
Kirk studied my face then let his gaze drop. “No.”
I pushed him away and took off across the grounds, feeling more hurt and confused than ever. Lacey had prompted Kirk to find this guy she knew would be a perfect replacement for me. That way she could have Kirk all to herself. I was sure there was more than one eel at the bottom of the lake for her bed.
I sped up, wishing I was invisible. This was hard enough, let alone with an audience. Get to the cabin, I kept telling myself, and then pack and disappear.
“J.J.!” Liam and Duff met me halfway. “There’s some guy at the cabin saying he’s our new counsellor.”
My stomach dropped. “He’s here already?”
“Are you leaving?” Duff signed.
“They’re replacing me.”
“Why?” Liam asked.
“Don’t you know?” I asked.
“No,” he said. “We only found out when this new guy showed up. He’s just waiting on the porch.”
A tall blond guy was leaning against the railing with his back to us.
“Perfect,” I said, gritting my teeth. “I didn’t even get a chance to pack up my stuff. Not that it matters, since the whole camp has already seen my underwear.”
No one was laughing.
Kirk caught up with us, and put a hand on my shoulder. “I’ll go talk to him,” he offered. “He knows me. I’ll just explain.”
“Never mind.” I pushed past him. “I can handle it.”
“Is there going to be fight?” Liam asked excitedly. I ignored the comment and kept my eyes fixed on the porch. Scotty and Spencer were standing on the bottom steps.
“What’s going on?” Spencer asked.
“J.J.’s going to beat up the new counsellor!” Liam told him.
I ran up the steps, hearing the rest of them following behind. I held my ground with my hands on my hips, ready to face my replacement. Wild West, here we go again. He turned around and gave me a big smile full of perfect teeth.
All the air left my lungs.
“Dill Pickle?”
TWENTY-NINE
“Jesse!” Ben said. He wrapped his arms around me, practically picking me up off the porch.
“Dill pickle?” Spencer said. “I can’t wait to hear the story behind that nickname.”
“You know each other?” Liam asked.
“Um…yeah,” I stammered, still in the hug, still in shock.
Ben smiled at me. “I’m working here now.” He turned to face the others, with his arm still around my shoulder. “Cabin 4, right?” he asked Kirk.
“It’s 4A,” I stammered, barely audible.
“Yeah,” Kirk said, taking in the image of us together. “Looks like you got it, all right.”
“New counsellor?” Spencer asked. The boys looked at each other, totally confused.
I hit Spencer with a hard look. “Your dad’s idea,” I explained.
“Is this true?” Scotty asked.
Ben squeezed my shoulder and actually laughed. “Kirk called me himself,” he said, oblivious to the awkwardness. By now, all four boys plus Kirk and Ben were standing on the tiny porch staring at me. I was drowning in testosterone.
“I have to get my stuff together,” I said. I slipped out from under Ben’s arm and walked into Cabin 4A for the last time.
I stood in the doorway, staring at my tiny bedroom. Susan’s efficiency almost seemed vindictive. The bed had already been changed, and the room cleaned. My duffel bag lay in the corner, bulging with all my belongings.
“Some reward,” I said. I purposely stayed in the room for at least fifteen minutes. I hoped the others would fill in Ben, at least sparing me the humiliation of having to explain why he was called.
But I didn’t have to worry about fielding any questions, because no one was waiting for me on the porch. I tugged at the strap of my duffel bag, and crossed the grounds toward a waving Susan.
“Jessica,” she smiled, all sunshine and lollipops. “That’s you now.” She pointed to a building half the size of the former nurse’s office. It was the last one before the woods began, which also happened to be the farthest one away from the bathrooms and showers.
The door squeaked noisily on the rusty hinges. It was gray and cold. I threw my duffel bag on the floor and flopped down on the lone twin bed pushed up against the wall. It still smelled like dirt and mowed grass. A pathetic plastic mirror had been taped to the bare wooden wall. I frowned at the blank space where a clipboard would have been.
“Guess I don’t have to worry about making sure none of the boys die now,” I said to the empty room.
I stayed in my dark prison and purposely missed lunch. I had no desire to make an appearance. I started to unpack, again, when there was a knock at the door. I froze, crouched on the floor, knowing the screen door would allow Kirk to see I was there, and not invisible, like I wished I was. He tapped again and then said my name, making me finally face him.
“Ben,” I said, going to the door.
He stood with his hands behind his back, smiling shyly. “Is it okay,” he asked, “for the new counsellor to visit the old counsellor?”
“Yeah…sure,” I said.
He took one step inside, letting the door close behind him. He shifted his feet and looked around my little shed-slash-cabin. “The thing i
s,” he started, “I didn’t know I was replacing anyone.” He took in my open duffel bag and tiny twin bed. Then his gaze met mine. “I’m sorry,” he said.
My resolve melted a little. “It’s not your fault,” I said. “Apparently, the search was on from day one.”
Ben tilted his head. “Um…does this mean you don’t hate me?”
“Why would I hate you?”
“When you stood on the porch, you looked ready for a battle.”
No kidding.
“I was surprised,” I said. “I didn’t think I’d ever see you again. Chloe emailed that you had quit your job at the beach and were leaving town early.”
Ben nodded like he’d just figured out the last math problem on the final exam. “After playing phone tag for a week, I finally talked to Kirk. When he offered me the job, I jumped at the chance to come up.”
“Seriously?”
“Yeah,” he smiled. “And to see you again. Chloe gave me your message, and I guess that sealed the deal for me.”
I connected the dots and felt sick to my stomach. The irony of that simple email was not lost on me. God, I hate irony! I was partly to blame for this mess of a day—just like every other mess.
“Although…” he started carefully. “I pictured a different reunion.”
I took my time answering. I knew he was dipping his toe in the water to check the temperature. I was torn. Kirk and Lacey had been trying to replace me the whole time. I had no idea where that left me and Kirk. I certainly didn’t trust him anymore.
And now, here was Ben. I stared at him, trying to remember how it was in my driveway when he kissed me good night. The last time we were alone together, our tongues were sliding over each other. Suddenly, the room felt warm.
He shifted his weight again and revealed a package from behind his back. “I found this in one of the drawers,” he said. “I’m assuming it’s yours.”
I blushed. “Chloe,” I smiled, taking the bag labelled MIDNIGHT STROLL. “She knows I’m hopeless. Thanks.”
“No problem,” he said. “It’s not my size anyway.”
It made me laugh, and for the first time since breakfast, I didn’t feel like a total loser. He gave me another one of his perfect smiles. “I noticed you weren’t at lunch.”