by B. R. Myers
He stood up, taking his body heat with him. My shoulder missed the weight of his arm. I reached for his hand. “Please stay,” I asked. “I don’t want to be alone.”
I could see the various emotions play across his face, trying to decide. Finally he nodded. I put my head on the pillow and turned on my side. Kirk lay down on top of the covers, and then wrapped his arm around my waist, tucking in close.
I was warm. I was safe.
Slowly, his hand found mine and we linked fingers. I closed my eyes and felt the heaviness of approaching sleep. Kirk breathed against my wet hair. “It was never your fault,” he whispered.
THIRTY-SIX
The afternoon sun streamed through the windows. I squinted at the alarm clock on the bedside table and realized I’d been asleep for six hours. I rubbed my eyes and pushed myself up in bed and sat crossed legged under the covers. Kirk had left. This observation had a profoundly depressing effect on me. The door creaked open.
“Hey, you’re up.” Her voice was animated—and totally fake.
“What is it?” I asked, alerted by her strained smiled. “Is Spencer okay?” I suddenly had visions of the ambulance breaking down on the way to the hospital or Spencer choking on a clump of eelgrass vomit.
“He’ll be okay,” Lacey said. “At least that’s the update we got a few hours ago.” She walked in like she owned the place. I was relieved to hear about Spencer, but then I instantly deflated, realizing she’d probably spent a lot of time in Kirk’s cabin, maybe even in his bed—which I now occupied.
“Why are you here?” I asked, wondering if she was staking claim to Kirk’s bed.
My tone tipped her off. Her forced smile dropped away. She pressed her lips together like she was silently rallying herself. “I, um…that is.” She shifted her weight a few times and stammered a bit more. A nervous beauty queen was the last thing I needed right now. I put a finger to my throbbing temple, trying to massage away the ache.
She shuffled her pink flip-flops toward the bed, then sat in Kirk’s chair. She looked down at the potato chip crumbs and wrinkled her nose. I noticed she was holding a dish. She followed my gaze and looked surprised, like she’d forgotten she was carrying it. She smiled and thrust the bowl me.
A spoon was sticking out. Guardedly I peeked inside. I was breathless. “Is that what I think it is?” I asked.
Lacey gave me a half smile. “Since this is technically your first meal of the day, it still counts as breakfast.” I took the bowl from her, staring at the delicious treat. She dropped her voice like she was telling me a juicy secret. “This is Lewis’s tenth attempt. I’ve never heard him swear so much; he’s such a perfectionist.”
I looked up at her. “Lewis?” I asked. My stomach twisted. We’d had such an ugly fight this morning.
Lacey nodded encouragingly. “He was going to bring it up himself, but—”
“But he doesn’t want to see me,” I finished.
She fidgeted with the hem of her pink tennis skirt. “He wasn’t sure how upset you’d still be,” she said. “You have a reputation for losing it. He said you guys had a fight earlier. Are you dating now or something?”
I ignored her dig and carved out a spoonful and raised it to my lips, my mouth already watering. “I can’t believe he made me deep fried ice cream.” The vanilla and crunchy brown sugar coating sent a glucose rush to my brain. Lacey literally sat on the edge of the chair, waiting for my reaction.
I didn’t stop until the bowl was almost empty. “Wow,” I finally said, licking the end of the spoon. My headache was gone, my stomach didn’t feel so knotted up anymore, and there was a lightness in my chest. It wasn’t so much the treat, but the fact that Lewis had made it for me. I hope this meant we could still be friends.
“Good?” she asked, in that fake happy voice of hers.
“Of course it’s good,” I said. “It’s ice cream and sugar and it’s cooked in grease.”
“I haven’t had ice cream in four years.”
I looked at her like she was crazy. “Are you allergic or something?”
She clutched her upper thigh. “No, stupid. Bikini competitions.”
Once again, she left me speechless. Lacey stood up and started shuffling the papers on Kirk’s desk, putting them in neat piles. “I don’t know how he can live like this,” she giggled, but it sounded too loud. I watched as she picked up the wet towels and hung them on the porch railing. She came back in and looked down at me, her hands folded in front of her. It was obvious she wanted me out of her spot.
I purposely made slow scraping sounds on the dish, getting every last bit of ice cream. She sat down, and started to play with her hem again. Then she fixed her headband, and after that adjustment, it was back to the hem again. Finally, she couldn’t take it any longer.
“I have to tell you something,” she practically shouted.
“I know,” I said. “I’m in your spot.”
She scrunched up her face, which I thought was a weird reaction. Then she waved her hands in the air. “No,” she said. “I…I…” The stammer started again; she was clearly uncomfortable.
“For frig’s sake, Lacey,” I said. “I know you had some stupid deal with Spencer.” I didn’t know for sure but I thought I’d fake her out, maybe get her to admit something.
She stared down at her lap, clicking her fingernails together. “A stupid deal that almost got him killed,” she said.
My mouth hung open. I totally wasn’t expecting that. When Lacey lifted her gaze, her usual mask of perfection had melted away. I noticed the extra makeup she had used under her eyes. She looked guilty and exhausted—just like me. “When I overheard your mixed up assignment during registration,” she said, “I came up with a plan to get Ben up here. I encouraged Spencer to try and make you want to quit, and in return for this favour, I had to help him avoid any activity to do with the lake.”
“Did you know he couldn’t swim?”
Her eyes flashed at me. “No,” she said adamantly. “Of course not. I just wanted you to quit.”
This was too surreal. “Because of Ben?”
“Yes,” she admitted.
My ears grew warm remembering my midnight stroll. No wonder she hated me. After all her evil planning, I ended up stealing her guy. We finally looked at each other. “I had hoped he was looking for his old job back,” she continued. “With his experience and Susan freaking out from Mr. Baxter breathing down her neck…”
“Mr. Baxter?” I interrupted.
“Spencer’s dad.”
“Oh.” The ice cream in my stomach threatened to come up.
“Anyway,” she continued, “the pressure was on, and since Kirk knew the only alternative was you being fired, at my urging he called Ben and tried to get him up here as fast as possible.”
I saw everything in a new light. Kirk, it seemed, had actually been trying to save my job. I felt a little fluttering of hope. “What’s going to happen now?” I asked.
Lacey opened her mouth to say something, then she shut it and only shook her head. “That’s up to Susan,” she said. “I might lose my job.” Her voice quivered at the end. “Regardless, she’s ordered me to apologize to everyone involved.” She stood up and cleared her throat. And I’m not entirely sure, but I think she was standing in a ballet pose. Oh my god, everything was a production with her.
“I’m sorry, Jesse,” she said. It was well rehearsed; she was certainly prepared.
I was unconvinced, and I wanted to see her suffer. “I don’t understand why you would do all this for Ben,” I said. “You guys broke up. And he’s not even a very good kisser.”
Lacey made a dainty noise at the back of her throat and flicked her ponytail. “Okay,” she said. “I guess I deserved that. But,” she hesitated, then sized me up, taking in my messy hair and Kirk’s baggy clothes. She slouched down on the chair again, looking paine
d. “When Ben and I broke up, I didn’t think I was ever going to be happy again. I stupidly thought if we had a summer together here like last year, he’d fall in love with me again.” I could tell she was completely serious. “Haven’t you loved someone so much you felt totally lost without them?” she asked me. “Like you had no idea what you were going to do?”
I felt a tug on my heart. Strangely enough, under all that pink, Lacey and I weren’t all that different. In fact, I sort of understood her motives. “Yeah,” I said. “I have loved someone that much. And when he left, my whole world fall apart. I’m still lost. I get it.”
She nodded, her eyes brimming with tears. “I’m sorry, Jesse,” she repeated. And this time it was real. “I only wanted Ben to replace you. I didn’t mean for everything to turn into a…a…” she started the word search again.
“An unmitigated disaster?”
Her shoulders fell. “Yeah.”
Yeah, I thought. Welcome to the club.
THIRTY-SEVEN
I took a long, hot shower. Everything Lacey told me was still tumbling through my head. She didn’t like Kirk; she was in love with Ben. But was Kirk only helping her because he wanted me to stay at camp or because he liked Lacey so much he’d do anything for her? It would explain all the tension between him and Ben.
I remembered how Kirk had looked at me in his room; the butterflies were so real. But since this morning, since my confession, I hadn’t seen him at all. I brushed out my wet hair, leaving it down for a change, and slipped on my jeans and hoodie. Taking a cue from Lacey, I knew I had my own apology to make.
The smells from the kitchen wafted through the air, greeting me a few steps before the screen door. I peeked through the screen. Lewis had his back to me as he worked at the massive oven. The counter was lined with steaming pans. The Brasseau sisters were in their usual flowered aprons, chopping, dicing, and frying up whatever would be tonight’s super, I guessed.
I hesitated at the door frame. Only now did I appreciate how horrible Lacey must have felt standing outside Kirk’s cabin with my dish of ice cream. There was a loud clatter followed by stream of swearing. Lewis stepped away from the stove, shaking his hand and blowing on it.
The Brasseau sisters looked up in unison. The heavier one made a motion to go to him, then she saw me through the screen door.
I pushed open the door and ran over to Lewis. “Are you okay?” I asked.
He stared back at me, his hand frozen in the air between us. I could see the red welt along his palm already deepening. A long-handled spoon lay on the floor between us, with bits of mushy looking noodles scattered around our feet. Seeing him made me want to start crying all over again. He had been there for me all these weeks, and all I did was throw his past in his face.
“I’m sorry,” I blurted out. Then I paused because I realize he’s said it too, at the same time.
“You have every right to be mad at me,” I said quickly.
Lewis shook his head. “You were never dragging your ass—”
“—you don’t hide in the kitchen. You make totally awesome food!”
“Cabin 4A is full of little shits—”
“—I love how you listen to all my crap and share your sandwich with me.”
“If you weren’t here this summer I’d be so bored.”
“I love that you don’t put raisins in cookies.”
“You’re my best friend, here.”
I blinked a few times, feeling tears welling up. “Me, too,” I said. He pulled me into a hug, and I knew we were cool again.
“You were totally right,” I said into his chest. “There’s a lot about my dad I have to tell you.”
The Brasseau sisters took over supper preparations while I helped Lewis. After he ran cold water over his burn, he let me put one of those stretchy bandages on, but I messed that up too. He ended up putting on a little ointment and blowing on it every few minutes. Slowly, I told him about Dad’s heart attack. Everything spilled out; the scholarship, how Mom was getting on with her life, how I’d been pretending all this time, and how I’d seen Dad’s body on the trail in the woods. He listened without interrupting.
Every once in a while the sisters would pat my shoulder as they quietly worked around us.
When I was finished Lewis reached out and cupped my cheek with his good hand and leaned in close. For a second I thought he was going to kiss me. Instead he said, “You deserve to be happy. Never forget that.”
“Oh, Lewis,” I sighed, trying not to cry again. “You’re going to make some man a wonderful husband someday.”
I helped put the pans of tuna casserole and salads out on the buffet. My eyes darted around the main hall, but Kirk was still missing.
I stayed in the kitchen with Lewis and the Brasseau sisters picking at my own plate of supper. True, I’d only had ice cream today, but with Kirk gone, Spencer still in the hospital, and the threat of someone losing their job, my stomach was too busy working itself into knots.
After I helped clean the kitchen, and made sure Lewis saw the nurse to be properly bandaged, I made my way across the darkening lawn to my shed. I took the blanket off the bed and wrapped myself up. I sat down and examined my necklace, finally appreciating the effort that had gone into it sitting in my hands again. If a guy is willing to dive through eelgrass for you, he must like you, right? I closed my eyes and rubbed the silver charm.
There was a soft knock. My heart jumped to my throat. I shuffled over to the door, the blanket dragging behind me.
I couldn’t help but smile. Kirk was wearing a navy polo shirt and faded jeans—formal attire for camp. He ran a hand through his hair. A thin rope bracelet stood out against his tan, making his forearms even sexier. “I just got back from the hospital,” he said. “It’s not that late, but I didn’t know if you’d be sleeping or not.” His tone was careful.
“It’s okay,” I said, hastily tucking a wavy strand of hair behind my ear, suddenly aware of how sloppy I must look. “How’s Spencer?”
“He’s fine,” Kirk said. I noticed he had a package tucked under one arm. “The hospital wants to keep him overnight for observation. Apparently, fresh water in the lungs can lead to infection.”
“So, he’s all right?”
“Yeah, just as evil as ever,” he grinned. I let out a relieved sigh. It was good to hear it officially.
“Those poor nurses,” I said.
He nodded a few times, but didn’t make any movement. I had the feeling he was killing time, probably putting in his obligatory staff check in, before scooting off to Lacey’s cabin.
“I wanted to say thank you for finding my necklace. Lewis said I owe him a new toothbrush.” I laughed nervously at the end.
He solidly stood in the door frame, patiently letting the silence stretch.
“So, thank you,” I repeated. “Very much.”
“You’re very welcome.” He took in my hoodie and cape-like blanket ensemble. “This is a new look for you. Are you expecting special company?” The tease in his voice made me smile—again. He really was turning me into a cupette.
I stepped back grandly and opened the door wider for him. “No,” I said. “Anyone will do.”
He came in and handed me the paper bag that had been tucked under his arm. My insides did a little dance, thinking that he’d brought me a present. “I didn’t know if you wanted it back or not,” he said.
“Oh,” I said. My stomach plummeted. It was my sneaker, still wet and full of sand. It was also missing the shoelace. Kirk apparently is one of those guys who likes to go the unconventional route for gifts. I bet Lacey got something better. “You really didn’t have to go diving for my sneaker.”
“This was the one you left in my room.”
“Oh,” I said, again. Wow. Call the charm police.
I stared down at my sneaker, now forever separated from its mat
e. “Um…thanks,” I said. “One is kind of useless, but yeah, they are…I mean, it’s kind of sentimental.” Even though I’d made some peace with Dad’s death, I still knew I wasn’t going to run track again. But at least I could face my unknown future free of guilt.
Kirk took the sneaker and placed it on the floor with the paper bag. I stood watching him, like a dummy. I wasn’t sure what to do next. His eyes fell on my necklace on the bed. I picked it up and started to ramble. “I can’t believe you actually found this. I had no idea how dark and gross the bottom was. And those eels…I really appreciate what you did. I can’t imagine how many hours you spent.”
Wordlessly, he took the necklace from my hands and placed it around my neck. My heart sped up on automatic Kirk control. He stepped back and frowned. “It still needs work,” he said. “The charm is off-centre.”
I swallowed, the blanket starting to feel super warm. “Are you disappointed?” I asked.
“No,” he laughed. He gently unwrapped the necklace and sat on the edge of my bed, trying to straighten the silver wire.
I watched his fingers work the delicate beads. I couldn’t help but wonder if he was delaying the inevitable. “What’s going to happen now?” I asked him.
He looked up at me, confused. I curled my toes under my feet, wishing I didn’t have to hear him say it. “Lacey thought she might be fired,” I said. I didn’t want to mention my own possible punishment in this whole mess.
His expression relaxed. “I think Susan would like everything to stay the same. All the cabins are covered, and she hopes you’ll replace Alicia for the last month of camp,” he said, watching me carefully. His voice didn’t give me any clues.
“So Lacey doesn’t have to pay for what she did?” I felt I was entitled to that jab.