by Bree Wolf
Footsteps echoed from outside the door, and Madeline quickly brushed away the tears that had escaped her tight control. However, it was not Kara who entered, but Dr. Rosen.
“Doctor, good morning.”
“Good morning, my lady,” Dr. Rosen greeted her before his gaze shifted to Collin. “How is our little patient?”
Madeline shrugged. “His mother believes he is doing better.” She looked at the doctor. “Is he?”
Stepping up to the child, Dr. Rosen felt his head, held his ear to his chest and listened to his breathing before stepping back. “I do believe we have reason to be hopeful,” he said carefully.
Madeline, however, felt as though a huge rock had been lifted off her chest. “Thank you,” she gasped, sinking back onto the chair, her body suddenly exhausted.
“Mind, though, that he is not out of the woods yet,” Dr. Rosen reminded her sternly. “Far from it. He still has a long way to go if he is to recover.”
Madeline nodded. “We shall continue to heed your advice. You have my word.”
Satisfied, Dr. Rosen nodded before turning to leave. “I shall return soon to see to him.”
When the door closed behind the doctor, Madeline turned back to the little boy. “Did you hear that?” she whispered, gently brushing a stray curl from his little forehead. “You’re doing better. You’ll be fine. I’m certain of it. Don’t give up, Collin. Please, don’t give up.” Watching him sleep, Madeline could not help but run her hand over his arms or brush it over his forehead, feeling the need to let him know that he was not alone, that she was there watching over him.
Occasionally, a soft smile would tug up the corners of his mouth, and Madeline prayed that he was lost in a world of sweet dreams that made him feel safe and loved.
Again, she skimmed a finger over his cheek, and a ghost of a smile danced over his face before he sighed, turning his head to the side.
Watching him, Madeline smiled…before the breath caught in her throat.
Right there, below Collin’s right ear, a small almond-shaped mole stared back at her, sending Madeline’s mind back to a late summer day only a few months ago. With her friend Elsbeth, she had strolled through Hyde Park, regretting the turn her life had taken, when they had come upon the man she had hoped to marry, Lord Townsend.
Blinking, Madeline felt her thoughts run rampant as her eyes travelled from the small mole below Collin’s right ear to the boy’s dark blond curls, the way they curved and fell past his ears, and she remembered the startling blue of his eyes that glowed like stars in the night sky whenever excitement seized him.
Could this be?
Lost in her thoughts, Madeline barely heard the door open. Only when Kara’s voice spoke out beside her, did she look up.
“Dr. Rosen told me that there is reason to hope,” Kara said, caution and awe mingling as she spoke, her gaze looking down at the little boy who held her heart. Then she looked at Madeline, and her eyes widened in alarm. “What is it? Has he taken a turn for the worse?” Rushing to Collin’s side, she felt his head, then took his hands in hers, her eyes searching his face.
“No, nothing’s wrong, Kara,” Madeline rushed to assure her. “I’m sorry. I did not mean to frighten you. I simply…” She swallowed, staring at the small mole as though hypnotised.
Beside her, Kara drew in a long breath. “You’ve seen such a mole before.”
At her sister-in-law’s words, Madeline blinked, and her head jerked up. Staring at Kara, she found the young woman regarding her with a sense of quiet contemplation. Madeline swallowed. “On the man I hoped to marry.”
Kara took a deep breath, then nodded, her gaze returning to Collin.
“Sean is not his father, is he?” Madeline asked, trying to make sense of the chaos in her head.
Kara held her gaze. “He is now.”
Torn about what to do, Madeline could not deny herself to ask, “How did this happen? How do you know Lord Townsend?”
Kara sighed, then looked up and met Madeline’s gaze once more. “I was once a maid in his household, and,” a rueful smile came to her face, “I thought he loved me as much as I loved him. But I was wrong. He only ever saw me as an adventure.” Skimming her thumb back and forth over her son’s hand, Kara scoffed, “The minute I told him I was with child, he sent me from his house.”
Madeline tried to swallow the lump in her throat, remembering the rage that had seized her husband whenever she had mentioned Lord Townsend. Now, it made sense.
“My brother was still on the continent,” Kara continued, “and I didn’t know who to turn to. I knew no one in Town.” She took a deep breath as the memories of that time in her life returned. “As darkness fell, I was still wandering the streets, not knowing what to do or where to go. I guess I wasn’t paying attention to where I was going, but eventually I found myself in a less than respectable part of town.” The muscles in her jaw tightened, but she held Madeline’s gaze. “When I walked by a tavern, men approached me. They…they must’ve thought…” She swallowed. “I don’t know what would have happened to me if Lord Elton had not come upon us in that moment. He had been in the tavern as well; however, he still remembered his manners.” Swallowing, Kara licked her lips, the fear she had felt that night visible on her face. “When he offered to escort me home, I broke down sobbing, and before I could stop myself, I told him what had happened.” Closing her eyes, Kara smiled. “I expected him to run from me, to simply leave me in the street…”
“But he didn’t,” Madeline finished, remembering what her husband had told her about his friend. He had called him an honourable man, a man who had offered his assistance without agenda, without asking for anything in return, but simply because he cared, because he wanted to help.
“He took me home,” Kara confirmed, “had me cleaned up and assured me that he would take care of everything. I was not to worry.”
“And that’s how you met Sean?” Madeline asked. “He was his valet, was he not?”
A bright smile came to Kara’s face. “He was. To tell you the truth, I do not remember the first time we met as I was lost in my own misery and worried about my future and that of my child. However, Sean tells me that he loved me from the first moment he saw me.” She laughed, a touch of disbelief in her voice. “Within days, he offered for my hand. After everything that had happened, I was weary of men, but there was something in his eyes that…I trusted him. I don’t know why, but I did. He was so sweet and caring, and yet, respectful and considerate.” Biting her lower lip, Kara sighed. “I knew if I was to protect my child, I could not refuse him.” Her gaze settled on Madeline’s. “Ours started out as a marriage of convenience as well, but over time we grew to love each other. The day Collin was born, everything changed. The way Sean watched over me, the way he held my hand and helped me through it all touched my heart in a way no one else ever had…and I loved him.”
Madeline smiled at her. “You two seem very happy. Seeing you together, I never would have thought yours was not a love match.”
Kara shrugged. “Sometimes attraction or even love is instantaneous, and sometimes it grows over time until we wonder how we could have ever looked at that person and not felt as we do now. For Sean and me, it happened in different ways. For him, it only took a matter of minutes. For me, it came with time.”
Madeline nodded. “I’m very happy for you, for the both of you.” Inhaling deeply, she looked at her sister-in-law, trying to ignore the nagging voice in her head. “Your life took a turn you didn’t expect, a turn you didn’t plan, and yet, everything turned out for the best, did it not?”
Kara nodded. “I do not regret what happened with Lord Townsend. Without him, I wouldn’t have my son,” she brushed a gentle hand over his forehead, “and I would never even have met my husband. No, I do not regret what happened.”
Madeline nodded, wondering if she and her husband would ever reach such a point where they would look back at their turbulent lives and smile about the many obstacles they had
to overcome to find happiness. Would they find happiness?
“You said that Lord Townsend was the man you wished to marry,” Kara reminded her, her gaze fixed on Madeline’s. “Was he at the ball that night my brother went after you? Did you expect him to propose to you that night?”
Madeline swallowed, “I did. I was certain he would, and I merely wanted to grant him the perfect opportunity to speak his mind and ask for my hand.” Shaking her head, she closed her eyes. “I had no idea what kind of man he was. I never would have expected him to…”
“Of course, you didn’t. How could you?” A soft smile on her face, Kara looked at her. “He fooled me as well. It is not easy to see behind a person’s mask.”
“Your brother did.”
“Because he knew,” Kara objected. “He did not need to suspect, he knew. I suppose that’s why he came after you that night to protect you from a man who would only make you unhappy. He wanted to protect you.” Kara swallowed. “I heard you arguing once. You thought he wanted you for your dowry?” She shook his head. “Although I cannot fault you for thinking so, I can assure you that my brother would never have forced your hand intentionally…especially not for his own selfish reasons. Please, believe me. Believe him.”
Madeline nodded. “I do believe you, and I only doubted him in the beginning. Thank you for telling me this.”
Relieved, Kara turned her attention back to her son while Madeline sank back into the chair by the foot of the bed, her thoughts a jumbled mess.
Indeed, it was a relief to know that her husband had never simply desired her dowry−and to this day, he had proved himself a man of his word as he had never touched a penny of it. However, hearing his reason for coming after her from Kara’s lips also destroyed a silly, girlish fantasy Madeline had secretly entertained: that he had come after her because he was jealous, because he cared for her, because he had wanted her for himself.
Now, Madeline knew that that had not been the case. He had merely acted upon his own sense of honour and duty, protecting a young lady from a man who would be her downfall as he had been his sister’s.
It was gallant.
Honourable.
And yet, for Madeline, it was utterly devastating.
Chapter Thirty-One − A Change in the Air
November came and went, and Derek found himself torn between relief and frustration.
Although Collin’s health gradually improved, returning colour to his cheeks and giving him a renewed appetite that especially his grandmother watched with delight, the whole family continued to watch him like a hawk for any signs of relapse. Still, Dr. Rosen felt it was safe to return to London, and step by step, the careful optimism turned to open joy at seeing the little boy’s health restored.
While Collin’s smiles and laughter improved everyone’s spirits, Derek could only wish that he and his wife could be equally fortunate with regard to their personal relationship. However, Madeline continued to keep him at a distance. These days she seemed preoccupied, and they hardly spoke. She did not even get angry at him, and he could not recall the last time she had snapped at him for one thing or another. It was as though the woman he had known−and come to love−had vanished, leaving behind an empty shell that moved and spoke, but did not feel.
At least not for him.
Whenever he saw her with Kara or Collin or even his mother, she was different. The smile on her face touched her eyes, and the strain he often detected on her face when she looked at him was curiously absent. With them, she was herself.
But not with him. And day by day, Derek found his old doubts and suspicions return bit by bit as though they had only waited in the shadows for him to reveal a weakness before they came rushing back, ready to attack him.
Had his wife been truthful about Townsend? Had she truly decided against him? Or had she merely convinced herself of it because she knew that−whether she liked it or not−she was now tied to Derek for life?
Had she finally come to resent him? Was this what the future would look like?
Since early November the weather had eased, and though it was still cold, the wind had calmed. Although the leak in Meagan’s roof had been fixed a fortnight ago, Derek continued to visit her. There was something about the way she looked at him that made him feel at ease. Somehow, she knew how he felt, and she understood.
It was a relief.
“Ye need to speak to her,” Meagan insisted, shaking her head at his stubborn resistance as she set down a steaming cup of tea on the table in front of him. “Don’t be a fool. Speak to her.”
Derek gritted his teeth, feeling the heat of the tea burn his fingers through the cup. “What if it simply makes things worse? What if−?”
“Don’t do this to yourself!” Meagan snapped, annoyance clearly visible in her bright blue eyes as she sank onto the chair opposite him. “Ye love her, don’t ye?”
Derek’s gaze narrowed.
“I’ll take that as a confirmation,” Meagan simply stated, a touch of amusement coming to her gaze. “Listen, the only reason ye’re resistin’ is because ye fear she does not care for ye, isn’t that so?”
Derek swallowed.
“Again, I’m glad ye’re so forthcoming with your answers.” Rolling her eyes, Meagan sighed. “Listen, when…Edward and I first met,” she took a deep breath, the hint of mischief suddenly gone from her eyes, “I was so nervous every time I saw him that I felt sick to my stomach.” A wistful smile touched her lips. “Some days, I would avoid him altogether, afraid of the moment I would find out that he did not care for me.”
“But he did,” Derek stated, a bit of a question in his tone.
“Of course, he did!” Once more shaking her head at him, Meagan sighed, “Do ye think I would’ve married a man who did not love me? What I’m trying to say is that he cared for me as much as I cared for him, and like myself, he was afraid that I did not feel the same way, that he was only imagining those moments when we couldn’t tear our eyes away from each other.” Smiling, she shook her head. “We spent weeks dancing around one another, afraid to say a word, and we wasted these weeks when we simply could have been happy.” Her eyes misted over as she looked at him, unashamed of the tear that rolled down her cheek. “Don’t waste your life loving her from a distance, afraid that she might not reciprocate. Let me ask ye this: what if she does?”
Derek frowned. “What if she does what?”
Again, Meagan rolled her eyes. “Love ye, ye fool? What if she loves ye?”
As Derek returned home that night, he could not forget the look in Meagan’s eyes as she had spoken to him so vehemently. And deep down, he felt guilty.
Meagan had lost the love of her life. She would never see him again. Never hear his voice again as he told her he loved her. Never again feel his touch as his arms embraced her. And still, she had found a way to continue. To be a mother to their children, to smile and laugh, even if sometimes it was with a tearful eye.
Compared to her sorrow, Derek could not help but feel cowardly.
His wife was alive, sleeping in the room next to him. He saw her every day. If he chose to, he could reach out and touch her, pull her into his arms and hold her tight. He could tell her that he loved her…even if she did not love him back.
He could do all those things, and yet, he did not.
Never in his life had Derek run away from fear. Still, he had never been more afraid than he was now.
Was it not better to suspect that she did not love him than to know it outright?
At that thought, Derek could see Meagan rolling her eyes at him, once again saying, What if she loves ye?
Although Meagan had become the nagging voice of his conscience, he went to see her often. Her little cottage was filled with warmth and love, and he enjoyed the silent peace that engulfed him there as he watched her tend to her children, telling them of the father they’d lost and would never see again. Little Erin probably did not even remember him as she had been only a baby when he had left for the war.<
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Still, Meagan found a way to conjure an image of her husband that would live on in his children’s hearts, comforting them.
“Go home,” she told him one night. “Ye spend too much time here.”
Derek shrugged. “This late in the year, there isn’t much to be done, especially with the days growing so short.”
“Then go home,” she snapped, clearly exasperated, and Derek wondered if he was overstepping his welcome. “Go and spend time with your wife. How do ye think it will look to her that ye spend all your time here? Don’t sabotage your marriage!”
“I’m not−”
“Go home!”
And so, he had left, carefully finding his way in the dark as he approached Huntington House. Lights glowed in the windows, and Derek was reminded of the night Collin had fallen ill. He drew in a deep breath as the panic of that night reclaimed him before it slowly dissipated, his lungs tingling with the cold night air.
“You’re back in time for supper.”
Swinging around, Derek stared at his wife as she stepped toward him out of the shadows. “I didn’t see you there,” he replied, trying to swallow the lump in his throat. A cough shook him as he grasped for words. “What are you doing out here?”
Breathing in deeply, she shrugged. “Thinking. Getting some air.”
“I see,” Derek mumbled, wishing they could speak to each other as they had before. “May I escort you back to the house then?”
“You may,” his wife replied before she stepped forward and met his gaze.
Derek swallowed his regret as he saw nothing warm in her eyes, only regret and…resignation. What had happened to the vivacious woman who had thrown herself into his arms a few weeks ago? What had opened such a chasm between them?
Derek did not know, and as November turned into December, his hope dissipated more and more each day.