by Amy Kyle
As she sat there, he studied her more closely. Her face was nice, but she wasn’t striking, however, there was a strange pull in his body. Her mouth was small and pleasant; it was also a bit crooked. There were many contradictions to her. A mixture of beauty, and something else he couldn’t quite put his finger on. At least that was the only thing Derrick could compare how she looked.
Maybe she had been hit in the past, and those were old scars that had healed, leaving a permanent mark on her skin, and her soul. But Derrick still waited for her to answer, until that point it was all just guesses.
Her voice was so low when she started talking Derrick almost missed it. Thought it was the music playing from the juke box, or anything else, except her voice.
“He left me there. He said he was done with me once and for all, that I would never see him again.” Tears began to stream down her face. She stopped talking and just looked as the tears rolled; there was no sound with the tears though.
Derrick knew that state, it was one where you had cried so much about an event that you had no emotion left, but the tears just wouldn’t stop. He wished he could hug her, comfort her even, but knew it would be too forward.
Instead Derrick looked down at the table and allowed his mind to float back to the time in his life that had been normal. It seemed like a lifetime ago, even though it had only been a few years. Those years he had been happy, living a normal life, one that had him smiling each and every morning he woke up. He would gladly go back to those days, but they were too far away now.
It hit him like it did every time he would think back, the pain and anguish was always quick to replace the feeling of happiness he would first feel when he thought back. Now it was a mixture of shame, anger, grief, depression, and a bit more anger in the mix.
Had he done it differently, would he be where he was right now? It was part of the overall process of his grieving during this memory. He thought he had considered every option there was in this situation, but maybe the right one hadn’t come to his mind yet. So he would scour every recess of his mind to think of the other things that he might have done all those years ago.
What would he do with that new plan though? It wasn’t like he could turn back time and go to that one fatal night. No so why did he do it each and every time? Derrick often chastised himself about this type of thinking, but he would never change the pattern. Each time he would do this to himself, each and every step was the same, however, that didn’t mean he ever stopped it.
If he sat long enough he could see her long brown hair flowing behind her as they rode in the car. She was so beautiful, so much of his heart belonged to her, that after all this time just the memory of her would make it ache. Tears threatened to escape from his eyes, but he would stop them. It had been too long; he shouldn’t even waste his time on this. But he had to do it.
She had turned to smile at him and say something; he had looked over at her too. Taken his eyes off the road, only for a split second, but that had been long enough. Derrick tried to turn the memory off, stop it; he didn’t want to see anymore.
He cleared his mind, and looked up at the girl sitting across from him. He wondered what her story was, why had this guy simply left her on the side of the road.
Derrick took a deep breath in, trying to stop the memory that was trying to push the way to the front of his mind. He couldn’t do it right now, there was no way. He wasn’t ready to live the rest of that night, not right here, not now. It took him several minutes to compose himself enough that he could look up at her once again.
He looked up and saw her brown eyes, shinning, and staring right at him. She was studying him, he felt raw and open, like she could see into his inner core. He felt a blast of quick shame, and looked down to shake his head once again.
There weren’t many people who would ever see that part of him, in fact he couldn’t think of one. But he had not been paying attention. Had wanted to give her the time she needed to think of her pain, relive her past. Derrick had taken too long in his own past though, and she had finished hers. After all it was much fresher for her, it had happened recently, today even.
I know how this feels, Derrick thought to himself. Maybe I can help her. But he knew he shouldn’t do it. Instead he should simply pay for her coffee, give her a few dollars and leave her there. She would eventually find her way back to wherever she was from. It really wasn’t his problem, and he should just stay out of it.
But he looked back up at her, and saw the flash of pain in her eyes. Was it for him or for her? He wasn’t sure. But he saw the compassion that also came across her eyes. It had been so long since he had seen that look. It made him tingle inside. The good guy in him won the battle at that very moment. He wouldn’t be able to walk away and ever live with himself. It would be too much on what already weighed deeply on his soul.
“What is your name?” He asked her. Finally bringing his mind around enough that he could focus on the reality of what was in front of him.
“Mackenzie, Mac for short.” She said.
Derrick studied Mac a bit closer. He still saw a little bit of fear in her eyes, but not near as much, now that they were inside. “That’s an odd nickname for a girl.”
“I grew up with three brothers and they treated me like a boy too. So needless to say they gave me a boy’s name. It stuck through the years, and I’m so used to it I never changed it.
“Why were you out on the road?” Derrick asked, trying to not push her too quickly. Hoping he could learn enough about her that he would know he was making the right choice.
She looked down for a second, he knew that look, it was the one where you were trying to consider what parts of a story to share, and what to hold back. He watched her take a deep breath, and look up. It had been his turn to study, he knew how to read people well, he had always known, but had gotten much better at it in these past years.
“I wanted too much from him. He wasn’t willing to give it, he’s a bad man. He really is, but I thought I could change him. I should have listened, should have stopped pushing. But I didn’t learn. It was too much, too far, and he had enough of me.” Mac said her eyes glazed over; Derrick was sure she was reliving the event.
“But why did he leave you on the road?” Derrick asked.
“I told him I wanted to get married. If he didn’t marry me I was done with him. I couldn’t do it anymore.” Mac sighed.
Derrick looked down, anger flooded his body. “That’s not a reason to leave you in the rain.”
“He’s not a good man. I already said that. I knew it for many months now. But I thought I could change him.” Mac stated. “But I guess it’s true you can’t teach an old dog new tricks.”
“I’m sorry. I don’t know what to say.” Derrick stated honestly. He was never one who had lied much in the past. So he found it difficult to know what to say to this young girl right now.
Mac began sobbing suddenly. “I don’t know what I’m going to do. Where will I go? I have nothing left.” She looked down at her hands, which she clinched, open and shut repeatedly.
Derrick took a deep breath in; he wasn’t sure what to do. He could offer her pass with him on his bike? But he didn’t need to invite another person into his life. He did so much better alone. His life wasn’t something that was normal. He never stayed in one place for too long.
He looked up at Mac and she was still crying her tears flowing down her cheeks. It broke his heart to see those tears, even though he didn’t know her. But she really looked so helpless, so small, so scared at that second.
“I guess you could go along with me for a bit. Decide somewhere you want to go and stay there. That’s really all I can offer.” Derrick stated, trying to make it sound like a bad decision for her to make. After all, if she was the one who refused, he wasn’t to blame from there. He had offered, and she had declined. That would soothe his soul a bit for the moment.
“Really, but you don’t know me.” Mac said, her eyes showing a glimmer of hope.<
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“Yes.” Derrick said slowly. Wishing he could just take the offer back. But the truth of the matter was deep inside he was too soft. Always had been especially when it came to the fairer sex, he was easy to manipulate.
“I have a little bit of money, so I can pay you some. If I can go to the bank, I have some more.” Mac said. Her eyes seeming to get brighter as she thought about the offer that had come from him, and that she was going to now agree too.
“That’s fine.” He said.
“Where are we going?” She asked.
“Honestly I hadn’t thought about yet. I normally just go until I feel like stopping.” Derrick answered.
“Hmm, well that’s okay.” She said her eyes began to get a wistful look. One that said she had always dreamed of having this type of adventure.
“Are you hungry?” Derrick finally asked. His stomach had growled to let him know that he hadn’t fed it today.
“A little bit, but I don’t know if I can eat.” She said.
Derrick called the waitress over who took their order. He got them both a hamburger. Her a single, and for him a triple cheeseburger. He was ravenous when he really thought about it. As soon as the food came he dove in and ate it quickly. There was no small talk; he was thinking to himself, asking himself, why he had invited her to go with him.
It was something that he didn’t care to fully analyze though at the moment. Instead he just thought about her, the one from the past. She had broken his heart so badly, had almost made him loose everything. No, correction, he had lost everything that night.
He let his mind float back to the past once again. It was that night, he was in the car, and they were coming home from a wonderful night out. He was so in love with her, thought she had loved him too. He had been a fool, for how long had she been dishonest with him. How long had he thought she was another person?
Anger flashed in his mind. He looked at her in his mind once again; there was the smile, the words she had begun to say. He had looked up at her, waiting for her sweet voice to come forward.
Derrick heard the scream like it was happening right at that moment. “Look out.” She had yelled.
He looked up, it was too late. The car was already on top of them, his victims, the two he had killed that night. He could see their faces just as well as he could see hers. They were burned into his memory for ever more. The mother and her little boy, he had only been two. It killed him to remember it now. It had been an accident. But had he not have looked over at her, they would still be alive right now, maybe.
If that hadn’t been enough though the aftermath was worse, it had crushed his world. Derrick had jumped out trying to help them. He couldn’t do anything, they were dead, and he knew it. She had looked at him, the way, it had been horrible.
“Why?” She had asked him. Like he had done it on purpose, when she knew damn well he wasn’t that way at all.
“It was an accident. You were talking to me.” He had stated to her.
“Oh you’re blaming this on me? You killed them, not me. You’ve been drinking, you are a drunk, and you know that, you’ll go to jail”
He had been shocked by her words. His mouth had to have fallen open. For one thing, Derrick rarely drank. Sure he had one at dinner, one single beer, but they had been down two hours ago. That wasn’t even in his system anymore. What was she talking about? Maybe she was simply in shock. No, she told the police when they showed up that Derrick needed to be tested, he had been drinking.
Thankfully, the tests had shown that he didn’t even have any alcohol left in his system. But she had crushed him, shown him that she would never be the type of female that would give him what he needed, support.
When they finally left the scene of the crime, they hadn’t talked. They had driven back to their apartment, Derrick had gone and packed his bags, and he was gone. He could remember her words as he packed up his things. They had been hateful words, not the words of a female that could have ever loved him. Surely, she might come around. But he had left and never got a call from her again. It had been a month later when he left; the small town was no place for him to live anymore. She had gone around and said all kinds of bad things about him. People would look at him with hate in his eyes. He had lost his job, and all his friends. Derrick had found out the hard way that he had never had a true friend in that town that month. He had never looked back, and never let another person close to him.
Derrick had to wonder if he would have messed up and married her, what would have happened? Would she have faked her love for him even longer? It had been during that month of waiting he had found out much more about her than he needed to know. She had been seeing other guys, at least one, and had been playing Derrick all along.
He planned on never letting another person that close to him again. So why had he let Mac come with him, or at least ask her. His mind screamed, no she’s coming with you remember. Oh shit, he had agreed to it.
“Are you okay?” She asked him when he looked up.
“Yes, sorry just memories from long ago, something I need to leave alone.” Derrick answered.
“I know those, I have many of my own.” She smiled.
The smile changed her face, made her beautiful, stunningly beautiful even. Derrick had taken a deep intake of breath at that moment.
“What?” She asked him.
“Nothing, just you looked so different when you smiled.”
Mac blushed her face taking on several shades of red. “Thank you.”
“You ready to go?” Derrick stood up.
“Sure. Do you mind if I go to the bathroom first?” She asked.
“Oh, go ahead. I’ll pay the bill and wait for you.”
She ran off to the restroom. A part of his mind yelled, run, get out now. Leave her, go by yourself, she’s trouble. But his body didn’t run, instead it went to pay the bill and he stood there looking at the flyers in the front of the restaurant. One’s that advertised all the fun things a family needed to do if they visited this area.
He picked up a flyer.
“That’s a beautiful resort; you and your misses should check it out.” The waitress said.
He looked up at her, then back at the flyer. It read Pocono’s Wood Resort. “Maybe we will thanks.”
“It’s only a few miles up the road now.” She added.
“Thanks.” Derrick went back to staring at the flyer. It looked like a beautiful location. But more romantic than what he really wanted.
“Oh, I’ve always wanted to go there.” Mac walked up on him.
Derrick stood there, the waitress smiling at him, and Mac looking over the flyer. “Let’s go.” He walked out the door with her trailing behind him
Hopping on his bike, he pulled onto the road, the rain was much lighter. It hadn’t stopped, but he could at least drive in this type of weather. He opened up the storage on his bike, and pulled out the extra rain protection he had. “It will be quite big on you, but you won’t be soaked any worse on the ride.”
“Thank you.” She smiled and put the gear on. She swam in it. Derrick chuckled looking at her. “You look like a little kid wearing their parent’s clothes.”
“It’s not my fault the man who rescued me is ten times taller than me.” She laughed.
Derrick laughed even harder at her comment. She was really quite small, maybe 5’ 4” tall, compared to his 6’ 4”. A foot shouldn’t seem like so much, but it was because she looked so small in his gear.
They got on the bike and drove off, without thinking his bike led the way to the resort. Why? He didn’t want it, but when she had said she always wanted to go, he had been convinced. Maybe his heart was trying to tell him something. He knew he was lonely, knew he needed human contact. But he didn’t want to take the chance again. The last one had hurt him too much.
So many people had rubbed it in his face that she had told them he was really nothing to him. That she knew she could do better, and would never be satisfied with him. Why had she said
those things?
Derrick wondered sometimes if they had simply been hurting him for the two he had killed on accident. Why were people suddenly so mean to him? He knew he hadn’t grown up in the small town, but had truly felt they had accepted him as their own. It hadn’t just been her in the long run that had turned their backs on him. It had been them all, but he had to blame her and himself for that situation.
Mac saw them pull into the resort and Derrick could hear a squeal of delight from her. She sounded like a child who had gotten a treat when they thought there was no hope. It was delightful to his ears, the sound of pure happiness.
Derrick smiled; he loved the sound of happiness. It had been entirely too long for him. He felt better about the choice instantly. Going to the office he paid and got the keys for one of the cabins.
He drove over to where the desk clerk had told him to go. As they pulled up she made the sound again. It made him warm inside to hear it. It was so honest, so truthful.
Grabbing his things off the bike, he helped her off and they went inside. He opened the door and she flew past him. “Oh my goodness, it’s beautiful.” She turned and smiled at him.
Derrick felt a warmth go through his body. It wasn’t a feeling he had in sometime. He smiled at her. The happiness he felt emanate from her body was nice.
He turned around and grabbed the bag. “You can have the bedroom, I’ll take the couch.”
“Really, you’re too big to get a good night of sleep on that small couch. I’ll sleep there.” She answered.
“Okay.” He really just wanted to take a shower, maybe start a fire, warm up a bit and get some sleep. He looked over at the firewood and decided he would start it then take a shower.
She watched him intently as he went to fixing the fire. He could feel her eyes on him. But he didn’t turn around; he could tell she wanted to find out more about him. It was like a sixth sense.
“So what is your story?” She asked him when he kept working on the fire and wouldn’t turn around.
Derrick sighed, he shoulders heaved, it wasn’t a story he wanted to share with her. But the words started to come out of him even so. He heard the story play out to her, saw the images of that night and the month after. Derrick didn’t even realize that Mac was in the room as he began to tell the story. As he kept talking it felt better though it didn’t hurt as much, giving voice to it really seemed to help. But he was scared to look at her as he told the part of the mother and child he had hit.