I turned my phone off and put it in my pocket. A little while later I heard the door to the barn open. I put my head in my hands. It had to be Maddy.
I heard her climbing the ladder and didn't look up. I didn't want to talk and just wanted to be alone. "Go away."
She didn't move. "Not until you call your mom and let her know that you are okay."
She was so damn stubborn. I put my hands down and looked up. "She knows I'm fine."
She shook her head and walked a little closer. "No she doesn't. Your phone is off. No one knows you are okay. Everyone is worried sick."
I sat there unmoving. "Well, you know I'm okay so go and tell them. I just want to be alone."
She didn't leave. Instead she walked closer. "Jake, I'm so sorry."
I had to look away from her. Her face was full of compassion that I didn't deserve. "Don’t."
She was hell bent on staying. She walked over to the bed and sat down next to me. "I'm so sorry. I don't know what else to say, but I'm not leaving you here alone."
I was baffled. "Why not? We hate each other, remember? Don't do this. Don't try to comfort me and be nice to me. I don't deserve it and we both know it. Please just go."
In a very hushed tone she said, "Your brother is gone. You don't deserve that. And I don't hate you. So much has happened between us, but I don't hate you. You were my best friend and Chris...he was like a brother to me. Your family, Jake your family was like a second family to me. I'm not leaving."
I knew she was in pain too. I had so many thoughts in my head and I wanted to make it stop. I moved closer to her and kissed her, desperately needing her. She kissed me back with an urgency I had never experienced.
I leaned into her slowly guided her back on the mattress, bracing myself on both arms so all of my weight wasn't on her. She put her arms around my neck and pulled me closer to her.
I removed my shirt and tossed it. She paused admiring my body, which actually made me nervous. I was never nervous. She reached up and lightly explored my chest and stomach with her fingers. I moved back down and resumed kissing her.
I pulled her shirt off and started kissing her neck and slowly kissed downward. I teased her nipple through her bra and heard a soft moan escape from her mouth. I quickly unhooked her bra and tossed it to the ground.
I took her nipple into my mouth gently locking and sucking. She gasped slightly, and I went back up to her soft lips.
I felt her hands on the bulge in my jeans. I was extremely hard and was silently begging her to proceed. She obliged and undid my jeans and I slid them off. Her jeans were next and I was petrified she would want to stop.
I looked deep into her eyes and she looked determined. She took my underwear off and then for the first time that night looked a little nervous as she looked down. I kissed her reassuringly.
Her breath tickled my ear when she whispered, “Please tell me you have a condom."
I gazed down at her. "Maddy are you absolutely sure you want to do this?"
She seemed to think about it and nodded, "Yes, I am positive."
I had to ask, "Are you still a virgin?" I wouldn't have cared if she wasn’t, but knew that if she was I would do everything I could to go as slow as possible.
She nodded again, “Yes, but I'm ready."
With that I went and retrieved the condom from my wallet.
I was nervous as hell, but I tried not to show it. I lay back down on top of her and kissed down her body to her panties. I pulled them off of her and then moved back up to her mouth, kissing her eagerly.
I paused and looked down at her. I needed to be certain this is what she really wanted. I didn't want her to regret it. "Are you sure?"
She nodded and I couldn't hold back anymore. I entered her as gently as I could and waited for her to move with me. She slowly arched her hips forward and we moved together. She was incredibly tight and I knew I wouldn’t last too much longer.
I reached down and used my fingers to massage her. It wasn't long before she grasped my hair in her hands and moaned loudly in my ear.
That was all I needed and I moved furiously until I came. I stayed on top of her, both of us breathless.
I wanted to stay there for forever. I didn't want to face the reality, but I rolled over so I was lying next to her on the bed.
My head was a mess. The thoughts I had managed to make disappear for a short time came pouring back in. My brother was dead. I wasn't going to see him again in this lifetime.
Now the thoughts were joined by new ones. I slept with Maddy. She gave me her virginity, something she coveted. I had been so terrible to her. I continued to stare up at the roof and Maddy covered us both up with her old quilt.
After a while of complete silence Maddy turned onto her side and said, "Do you want to talk about it?"
I knew she was either talking about Chris or the fact that we just had sex, so I chose the easier one. "The sex?"
Wrong one. "About Chris."
I simply told her no.
She accepted that and rolled back over so she was staring at the roof also.
I woke up later to Maddy sitting up on the bed. I reluctantly opened my eyes and yawned. "Hey. What time is it?"
She told me it was three in the morning, and I sat up too. I asked her if she was okay.
She said, "A little sore, but I'm fine."
I shook my head, "No I mean okay with what happened? I know your virginity was a big deal to you."
She contemplated what I said, "Jake, I'm more than okay with it. If it wasn't what I wanted I would have stopped."
I had no doubt she had wanted it then, but I needed to know that she wasn't rethinking it now that it was over. "I know that you wanted it in the heat of the moment." My voice grew quieter, "I just don't want you to regret it."
She said emphatically, “I don't regret it. Somehow it was perfect." She sounded content with what happened between us and I was grateful. Then she added, "But don't worry. I'm not love struck or anything. It was what we both needed last night and it was nice. That was all."
Translation, she did not see me as boyfriend material and wasn't interested in me that way still. I nodded silently.
She started scrolling through her phone and said, "Maybe we should head home. Everyone is worried."
I wasn't ready to deal with it. "I can't. I just can't face it."
She scooted closer to me until I could feel her smooth skin on mine. "I get it, but your mom is worried sick."
With a heavy sigh I got up and picked my jeans up off the floor. I found my cell phone and sent a quick text to my mom and looked over at Maddy who was watching me from the bed. "There. I told her I'm fine and I'll be home soon. Aren't your parents losing their shit too?"
She told me they thought she was at Michelle's house. I knew that Maddy didn’t want a relationship with me, but it was apparent she was not leaving until I did. So I decided to take advantage of that. I lay back down on the mattress with her and pulled her naked body to me. She played with her phone for a second and then we both fell asleep again.
I woke up a few hours later holding Maddy in my arms. She was fast asleep and I couldn't help staring at her, taking in every part of her beautiful face. I needed to get up; I was too close to convincing myself that there was a future with her.
I stood up and starting getting dressed. I saw Maddy stirring and brought her clothes over to her. "I guess we should get home."
She got dressed and we left the old barn and made our way back to our cars. We stood awkwardly, neither of us knowing what to say. She finally spoke, "Please let me know if you need anything.”
I nodded solemnly and drove home.
My mom was sitting on the couch in her bath robe. She was always so put together, but she looked disheveled. Her hair was a mess and her eyes were swollen and puffy. I didn't know what to say. She didn't even look at me, so I just went back to my bedroom.
The next day I helped my mom plan Chris’s funeral. We picked out the casket an
d the suit he was to be buried in. He would have fucking hated that suit. I remember my mom making us wear suits to church for Christmas and Easter and Chris always raised hell.
When I brought it up to my mom she just gave me a "let it go" look so I did. She bought me a new suit also and we planned a catered dinner for after the funeral.
At the funeral I stood next to my mom who looked a little more like herself, with not one hair out of place. I couldn't concentrate on anything the preacher was saying. I knew when he was done they were going to lower my brother into the ground and the finality of that made my head spin.
After the preacher was finished everyone lined up to give my mom and me their condolences. So many people showed up, and most of them blurred together. Andy patted my shoulder and said, "I'm so sorry man." I nodded and he moved on. No one knew what to say.
Maddy's parents went by and her mom gave me a big hug and told me to let her know if I needed anything at all. I smiled weakly at Maddy, who was next in line. She gave me a small smile back and didn't say a word.
She hugged my mom and told her how sorry she was and then followed her parents.
I didn't attend the dinner. I went for a drive and then went home and parked my car in the driveway. I walked to Maddy's house and back to her bedroom window. I tapped on the glass praying she was home.
I saw her moving toward the window, she opened it and I climbed inside.
She looked worried, "What are you doing here? Are you okay?"
I didn't want to talk. I just wanted to forget, and I kissed her, hard. She returned my kiss and held onto me tightly.
I unzipped her black dress and let in pool at her feet. She stepped over it and led us to her bed. She took my jacket off and unbuttoned my shirt.
Soon we were both naked and I was moving inside of her again. She wrapped her legs around me pulling me into her deeper. We moved quickly and finished together.
I stayed on top of her wanting to tell her thank you for being there for me, but the words wouldn't come out.
She stared up at me and started to speak, "Jake..."
I put one finger over her lips to stop her, "Please don't say you are sorry for my loss. That's all I heard all day."
She removed my fingers and held my hand.
I stared at our entangled hands and had to sit up. I moved away from her and on the edge of her bed.
I looked around her room. It felt like a really long time since I had been there. Her walls were now a dark purple. Last time I was there she had a pink princess type of room. "Hey you got rid of the pink?"
She grinned and stood up putting on her bra and panties. I watched her as she walked across the room and changed into jeans and a t-shirt. No one could pull that look off like Maddy could.
I dressed slowly, leaving the jacket off, and then sat back on her bed and said honestly, "I don't want you to think I'm using you."
She sat next to me, "I think we are kinda using each other."
That was probably true. "Yeah I guess so."
She bit her lip: a habit she had even when we were kids and she was nervous. "Are you going back to hating me?"
I winced, "I never hated you Maddy. I know I was a total asshole. There's no excuse, but I didn't hate you. I was mad at you and it just went too far."
She leaned back on her bed with her feet dangling. "Yeah, I really thought we would make up the next day, but it just kept getting worse."
I lay back next to her, "Chris hated it. He tried to get me to apologize so many times, but I wouldn't listen."
She smiled and we lay there peacefully. I stood up hesitantly. I could have stayed there like that for the rest of my life if she would let me, "I guess I should go."
She joined me and walked me over to her window. I went out and stood there for a minute, "So I guess I'll see you at school Monday."
She nodded and I walked home. I wasn't looking forward to Monday and everyone looking at me with pity.
Chapter 9
Monday morning I was at my locker when I saw Maddy walking to hers. I walked over to her. "Hey, Maddy."
She looked anxious and said, "Hi Jake, how are you doing?"
I casually shrugged my shoulders and lied, " I'm okay I guess."
She started to speak, "So..." She had so many worries written all over her face, and I knew she was freaked out about what everyone was going to think. I hadn't told anyone about us and I didn't plan on it. I hoped she wasn't worried about me treating her like shit anymore, but I wouldn't blame her if she was.
I put my hand on her shoulder and tried to reassure her. "Maddy, it's going to be fine. I'm not going to turn back into a major asshole, and I'm not going to tell anyone about what happened between us." I didn't feel like that was enough to make her feel better. So I added, "Everyone is just going to think that I'm sad about Chris, which I am, and therefore not in the mood to torture you. It's going to be fine."
She looked relieved, "Sorry, I know it's stupid to worry about."
She was so damn sweet. I just shook my head, "No, I get it. I'll see ya later."
I went off to class where all eyes were on me. I wanted to escape, but I sat through class hoping no one would try to come up with something to say to me.
At lunch it was obvious no one knew what to say. Shelley and Paul told me how sorry they were again and Shelley told me how beautiful the funeral was. Andy didn’t say a word, which I was thankful for. I guess Kelsey thought she could cheer me up by sitting so close she was practically on my lap and playing with my hair. It irritated me, but I just sat there.
I looked over at Maddy's table. I really wanted to be near her, but I didn't want to push it. I knew she was nervous about everyone finding out about us, and if I was too friendly right away she would be bombarded with questions.
I went home after school and no one was there. I went into the kitchen and there was a note from my mom and a hundred dollar bill. In her note she explained that she went to my grandma's house for a little while, and the money was for food.
That was just great. I loved my mom, but she could be really selfish. My dad was even worse. He didn't even bother showing up for the funeral. I don't know what the hell happened to my family. I had a great childhood and then it all went to shit when they got a divorce.
Things at school slowly started to get back to normal. People starting looking me in the eye and asking me about the upcoming game.
I didn't talk to Maddy again until that Thursday. When school was over I saw Maddy getting ready to leave. She was alone, so I walked over to her. "Hey."
She was looking in her backpack for something, “Hey."
I asked her if she wanted to hang out with me that night. I was a little afraid she would say no. I was tired of coming home to an empty house.
She had her keys in her hands now and was fiddling with them. "Like, right now?"
I nodded. "Yeah, unless you have something else to do."
She said that she didn't and asked whose house we should go to.
We headed out to our cars, and I suggested my house because it had been a long time since she had been there. She agreed and we drove to my house.
When we got to my house it was just as empty and quiet as when I left this morning. I dropped my bag by the door and took Maddy's and put it next to mine.
She looked around at the empty room and I explained, “Mom went to my grandma's house for a little while."
She looked bothered by that, "You are staying here by yourself?"
I plopped down on the couch and tried to act casual. "I'm eighteen, Maddy. I think it'll be okay."
She sat down in the big comfy chair. She used to love that chair, always calling dibs on it. Even my dad would get up and let her have that chair when she came over. We all called it Maddy's chair.
She started to respond, "Yeah I know, but..." She stopped herself though. I was glad. I knew it was messed up that my mom left me here right after my brother died, but I didn't want to go into it.
&n
bsp; I started looking for something on the TV but quickly gave up and told Maddy there wasn't anything on.
She agreed and asked if I was going to Matt's Halloween party.
I put the remote on the coffee table. "I don't know. I fucking hate dressing up, but I wouldn't mind getting wasted."
Maddy looked like she was thinking hard about something and I swore I saw her cheeks growing red. She looked away from me and I had to ask. "What are you thinking about?"
Her eyes didn't leave the TV, "About that night in your tent."
I couldn't help the smile that spread across my face. Maddy stripping for me, kissing me, pushing me toward the bed with confidence I had never seen from her. My thoughts were interrupted when Maddy threw a pillow at me and said, "Stop thinking about it."
I caught the pillow and with it still in my hands I confessed, "I think about it all the time."
She looked really confused, “What, why? I was totally drunk and you were completely disgusted with me."
I knew why she thought I was disgusted with her; I was a total asshole to her. I wanted to set her straight. "Maddy, I was not disgusted with you. Are you crazy? I was disgusted with me."
She looked even more confused. "Why would you be disgusted? You weren't the one throwing yourself at someone that didn't want you."
She really was clueless. I shook my head slowly. "I wanted you. Believe me it took everything I had to tell you no. That's why I was disgusted with myself. You were drunk as fuck and I wanted so badly to give in. Knowing you were a virgin and that you had just ended a relationship. "
She smiled innocently and said, "You wanted me?"
I got up from the couch and gently pulled her up to me. I put my arms around her waist. "Of course I wanted you. What guy wouldn't?"
She laughed, "Most guys wouldn't have stopped it."
I knew that was probably true. "I would hope most guys would. You were a very drunk virgin. I've done some shit type things, but that's really messed up."
She just said, "I don't know Jake. I think most guys would have just gone for it."
Fate (Soulmates Book 2) Page 6