Orion either didn’t notice my turmoil or didn’t care. He grabbed my shoulders and glided his mouth down my neck. Invigorating chills spread down my back and arm and I let out a soft cry. The overwhelming excitement made my heart race a thousand beats a minute. My chest expanded and fell rapidly. I ran my trembling hands over his jaw and through his hair. His lips were back on mine, and my heart melted. My mind went to mush, and then every shred of previous doubt disappeared. Nothing else mattered but being with Orion. I wanted the moment to last forever. I wanted him forever. My mind was immensely clear, focusing on nothing but the vast range of new emotions that were taking over. I had never been so much into one moment before. Time stood still, allowing me to bask in his touch.
He pulled away and straightened up. I took a moment to bring me back from my trance. I opened my eyes and met his gaze. My lips were still partially opened and my breath was heavy and deep.
“I’m sorry,” he said with a penitent face. “It’s wrong of me to fall in love with my guardian angel.”
“I’m no angel,” I whispered with a soft laugh. “You’re my angel. When I’m with you, my world is complete. When I’m away, I’m in agony.”
“Then never leave,” he answered back.
I shifted in frustration. “I wish it was that easy. Even if I wanted to leave my world behind, I don’t know how. I don’t even know if it’s possible.” My voice quivered as I fought back the urge to cry. It was suddenly more of a reality that I would never fully have the one thing I wanted more than anything.
“Don’t worry. We’ll figure it out.” His expression said that he really believed it and that filled me with hope.
He kissed me again, softly this time. I felt the powerful surge of energy push through his lips and flow into my body again. I lost all previous worries. I wondered what it would feel like to have his naked body pressed against mine. My thoughts shifted to his bedroom and then I felt the soft sheets of his bed under my legs. I cracked open my eyes and was greeted with a seductive smile. I guess it worked this time.
I surrendered my heart, soul, and body to him.
Chapter 8
The lines between dream and reality were beyond blurred. When I slept, I felt like my dreams were real and this was a dream. No, not a dream… a nightmare from which there was no escape.
I glanced over and saw Mitchell sleeping peacefully beside me. A flood of guilt hit my chest. I winced away and stared at the ceiling. The knots in the cedar above looked like eyes watching me, judging me.
I looked over to the nightstand; the numbers on the clock anxiously reminded me to get out of bed. I slid my legs over to the side of the bed. Pausing, I used my aching muscles to pull myself upright. My head immediately pounded to the rhythm of my beating heart. Reluctantly, I dragged myself to the shower.
The first burst of cool water delivered a jolt of panic as a flashback of the icy barrel flashed in my mind. The water quickly turned warm and caressed my neck, dulling my headache to a light throb. I remained still with the water running over my head and down my body. How did my life get complicated and confusing so quickly? I felt it slipping from my fingertips. I thought I had control of everything in my life - I had a plan that work fairly well, but now… I lost control over my own actions. I wasn’t sure what the right path was anymore or what was coming next. Maybe a different part of my life was beginning? It was all a blur…
I closed my eyes and pictured Mitchell sleeping beside me while I betrayed our commitment with another man. Maybe not physically, but emotionally I ripped apart our bond, opening a tear that may never mend. Yet at the same time, I did not regret it.
I open my eyes. My emotions were just as confused as my thoughts. I didn’t know how it happened or if I even had a choice, but I had fallen in love too hard. No matter what happened now, I would feel heartache again, only this time a hundred times worse. Either I would never see Orion again, or our love would die, or one of us would die; but no matter how it ends, it will end, and that scared me the most.
The water crashed down on my throbbing skull. I missed Orion and was drowning in self-pity; I wasn’t sure whether I was crying. I wished this struggle inside of me would just go away. I wished I could just go away - but I couldn’t… the world didn’t stop for me.
After a drudging day at work, I stopped by Mom’s. It was longer than usual since my last visit and I felt too guilty to face Mitchell. Besides, I had ended things badly on the phone and didn’t want to hold any ill feelings with her.
I pulled into the driveway and collected the mail from the mailbox on the way in. I grasped the doorknob, hoping it didn’t turn, but knowing that it would. Mom was sitting on the couch, going through a box of paperwork.
“Mom! You know you need to start locking the door,” I lectured.
“Oh Alexis, it’s the middle of the day. How did you get so paranoid?”
“From watching the news, Mom. There are tons of crazy people out there. Crazy doesn’t care what time it is. Promise you will start locking the door, please?”
“Okay dear,” she grumbled.
I knew she didn’t mean it. I wanted to tell her that since she lived alone now, it was especially important, but I didn’t want to remind her that Dad was gone.
“What are you doing?” I asked, as I sat down beside her.
“Just going through some old papers in the office.”
I waited silently for a minute. I wanted to tell her so badly about Orion, it was nearly bursting out. I wanted to divulge the struggle inside my heart and tell her that I met my soul mate. I wanted her to tell me that I wasn’t being selfish and that everything would be okay… but I couldn’t. Before Dad died, I told her everything. Now, I wasn’t sure how she’d respond, and I didn’t want to burden her with my problems. First, she’d think I was certifiably nuts for falling in love with someone who wasn’t real. Then, she’d be ashamed of me for betraying Mitchell, even if it were all in my head. I wasn’t sure which one she’d think was worse, crazy or sinner. But not sharing this with her was eating my up inside. I desperately needed to talk to someone. I needed someone to tell me that I wasn’t going insane… that it was okay to embrace these feelings… that I wasn’t a bad person.
“Is everything okay?” she asked, apparently noticing my anxiety.
“Um, yeah, Mom. What about you? Is everything all right?” I tried to turn the attention off of me.
“Yes, everything’s fine,” she answered bleakly.
“I’m sorry I was angry on the phone earlier,” I muttered while staring at the painting on the wall. It was a painting of a sunset on a beach. It reminded me of Orion.
“I just wish you understood what it’s like to have to choose between your children,” she hissed.
Her words stung. “Who said anything about having to choose?”
“I know you don’t care for Jeremy and that’s fine, but I can’t even bring him up without you attacking me. How do you think I feel having my son emotionally in pain and locked up again? I don’t have your father to talk to anymore and it’s eating me up inside.”
I deliberated over feeling anger or sorrow for her. The sorrow won and I moved closer to put my arm around her. “I’m sorry, Mom. You should be able to talk to me about anything.”
“Thank you,” she breathed, and kissed me on the cheek.
“Mom… have you ever been at a point in your life where you wonder how you got there and question which path you should take next?” I asked, testing out the waters.
“All the time, honey.”
I picked up a paperclip and twisted it into a new shape as I spoke, “Like when sometimes you feel like… like you’re floating through life just fine, you know… then out of nowhere, something changes. Now, you can’t go back to the way things used to be. No matter how bad you want to, or if you even want to… your life has forever changed.”
“What’s going on?” she asked. Her voice was marked with her naturally soothing maternal tone.
“I’m not sure… I feel like I can’t trust my judgment anymore. I feel like my brain and heart are telling me different things.”
“Honey, you never know which path to take until you are already walking on it. I think it’s better to embrace change in your life than never move forward. Otherwise you are just sitting here all day… waiting to die,” she muttered as her voice trailed off.
The thought of Mom sitting there all day waiting to die made my heart sink. “I love you Mom.” I hugged her tight.
“I love you too, honey.”
Much to my disappointment, she didn’t pry any further. After a long visit, I headed home, reluctantly, to face Mitchell.
I took a deep breath and walked through the door. My heart pounded with trepidation. Would he somehow know what happened with Orion? I bet the guilt was written all over my face. He could probably sense my unfaithfulness.
I hurried to the bedroom to change my clothes; afraid I would blurt it out loud. Eventually, I gathered enough nerve to walk into the living room. Mitchell was sitting on the couch pecking away on his laptop when he noticed my entrance.
“Where were you? I called you a bunch of times but you didn’t answer,” Mitchell asked with an unusually stern tone.
“I stopped by Mom’s. I must not have heard my phone,” I replied, as I reached into my purse to check it. Sure enough there were a few missed calls. I put the phone back in my purse and sat on the loveseat across from him.
“I was worried about you. The least you could do was tell me you were going over there. What am I supposed to think after what happened the other night?” Mitchell’s voice was growing more agitated.
“I go to Mom’s all the time. Why didn’t you call over there if you were that worried?” I asked pointedly.
“I shouldn’t have to call around just to find out where you are. You should have the common decency to call,” he sneered.
“I don’t have to check in with you everywhere I go, Mitchell. You don’t own me. What’s your problem?” I grew irritated at his attack.
“My problem is you! I don’t know what your deal is anymore! You’re constantly snapping at me, you’re always tired, we never go out anymore, and you don’t talk to me anymore. You’re miffed about God knows what most of the time. This routine is getting a little old,” he hissed.
I felt my face flush with anger. I jumped up, ready to fight. “Getting old?! If you are so tired of me, then why don’t you just leave?” I barked back with my hands crossed under my chest.
“Is that what you want, Alexis?” he interrogated, standing up to confront me. His arms hung tense by his side with his hands balled into fists.
“It’s apparently what you want, Mitchell!” I shot back.
“I never said I wanted to leave. I just want you to straighten up,” he clarified, slightly relaxing his hands.
I was infuriated by his insolent comment. “Straighten up?! Wow, what am I, some child you are trying to scold? I can’t deal with you right now! I’m sick of this life and need to get away!” I bellowed as I stomped down the hall.
“If you are so sick of our life together then I guess I should go!” Mitchell hollered back as he marched after me.
I halted and turned directly toward him, blatantly replying, “Fine by me.”
His face twisted from anger to anguish. I knew I should have told him to stay, but I was too confused at the moment to deal with him. He snatched his keys and rushed out the door, slamming it shut on the way out. I heard the tires peel out of the driveway and speed away.
I paced the hall, and then sat down on the bed. I couldn’t believe the nerve of him attacking me when I haven’t done anything wrong, at least, that he knew about. I knew I shouldn’t be this angry, but I felt completely done with Mitchell. All I wanted was to see Orion. I jumped to my feet and continued to pace. Ten minutes passed and I was still anxiously roaming the house. I went for a jog to clear my mind and burn off my frustrations. An hour later, I returned home. I soaked my body in a steamy hot bath, made a sandwich for dinner, and then flipped on the television. I was calmer then and felt a tinge of guilt for fighting with Mitchell. He had valid points… Maybe I snapped just to cause a fight? Anger was much better to digest than guilt. Guilt about last night…
Thinking of last night… the flood of emotions was hard to sort out. Fear and lust… panic and desire… it was the most amazing night of my life, aside from nearly being killed, again. The connection I felt with Orion when our bodies molded together made me excited just thinking about it.
I glanced over at the clock; it was getting late. Mitchell had never left for more than an hour after a fight before. I was sure he’d come home soon, but decided to be the bigger person and call him. There was no answer… he must still be mad.
I performed my nighttime rituals and crawled into bed, excited to see Orion again. I wondered if what happened last night would change things between us. The only thing it changed for me was a deeper yearning for bedtime. I closed my eyes tight with a smile etched across my face.
Relax…
I cleared my mind and let my body sink into the sheets. Soon, the darkness swirled inward and turned into a tunnel of nothingness. My body was falling – then a quick jolt. The blackness faded.
I was standing outside but it was still dark. The air was thick and my skin crawled with the unsettling feeling that I was no alone. I surveyed the area and immediately spotted Mitchell in the distance.
“Mitchell?” I called out in confusion.
He didn’t turn around. He continued to walk through the parking lot. Suddenly, my stomach was in my throat as fear crept through my chest. I flipped around in every direction, but there was no one else around. I tried to run toward Mitchell, but couldn’t move. I couldn’t feel my body. I looked down at my legs but they weren’t there. I pulled up my hands, but nothing appeared.
A scuffle broke out in Mitchell’s direction. He scampered across the empty parking lot, sweat beading down his forehead and dripping into his eyes. He wiped it swiftly with his right palm as he twisted his head left, right, scanning the deserted street. He paused.
I could hear his pounding heart, tearing its way through his chest with each pulsating beat. I felt it in my chest as if it were my own heart in distress.
Footsteps approached and grew louder with every step, but we couldn’t find their source. Mitchell’s face twisted in a grimace. He cried out in pain as he dropped to his knees, one hand clenching a wad of wet, bloody sweatshirt. I felt his pain in my abdomen, but I couldn’t scream.
He lowered his head to inspect the point of impact as blood flowed through his white knuckles and dripped onto the pavement. Momentarily frozen in confusion, he stared at his fist, fixated on the wound. He snapped his head up to face his assailant, but the parking lot was deserted.
He tried to stand; his body partially erect and wobbling forward. Another sharp sting sliced through his rib with a crack. The pain was too intense to take a breath. He fell to his side, but caught his fall with his sweaty right palm, frantically searching for the source of this attack. Nothing around – the night was eerily silent… no crickets singing … no wind dancing with the wild night’s euphony. Nothing.
I heard a soft whisper, almost like a laugh. I tried desperately to move. I tried with all my breath to scream, but nothing escaped my lips. The only thing I could do was watch helplessly.
“No! Please don’t!” I whimpered to myself.
Mitchell’s eyes were marked with fear. He scoured the scene intensely. I felt his disorientation growing stronger. His panic filled my throat with a knot. He discovered renewed strength as he lifted himself off the pavement and limped toward his car. Suddenly, as if he too could sense someone closing in behind him, he jolted around. With his left hand still clenching the wound on the side of his gut, he raised his right arm, trying to block the now visible blade from penetrating his throat. A figured hovered over him in the darkness. Mitchell tumbled onto his back while a sharp wail escap
ed his twisted mouth…
I awoke in bed screaming. I looked over at Mitchell’s side of the bed but it was still empty. Drenched in sweat, I jumped up and frantically scoured the house.
Was I asleep? Was that a dream?
“Mitchell?!” I yelled, switching on the lights as I passed each room.
Silence. I ran out to the garage; his car was still missing.
It wasn’t real. It was just a bad dream.
But that knot in my gut said otherwise. I paused, focusing on the location of the dream. It was a parking lot. It was dark, but it reminded me of the campus. The details were blurred and already beginning to fade. Sometimes Mitchell would go there to jog.
“No, no, no…” I muttered, as I searched through my purse for the phone. I dialed Mitchell’s number with trembling fingers and waited for the ring.
Ring, Ring, Ring, “Hi, you have reached Mitchell McCain, please leave a message. Beep.”
I hung up and dialed again.
Ring, Ring, Ring, “Hi, you have reached Mitchell McCain, please leave a message. Beep.”
I threw the phone back in my purse and quickly dressed. I ran out the door and jumped in the car. As I drove away, I tried to convince myself I was just being paranoid, but I could still feel his terror. Flashes of his tortured face flashed through my mind.
As I turned the last corner, flashing lights ahead pierced the dark night. I reached the scene in a blink, but was stopped by a police officer ordering me to turn the car around. I threw the gear in park and bolted out, leaving the ignition on.
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