Three weeks later, Kevin was up in his room doing an assignment when there was a tap at the door and a smiling Marlena appeared with a bottle of champagne.
‘I got a Distinction in Statistics,’ she said, doing a twirl as she entered the room. ‘And it’s all because of you.’
Kevin wasn’t used to effusive praise, or any kind of praise, for that matter, except when a lecturer wrote ‘Well done’ on an essay. A beautiful, smiling girl telling him ‘It’s all because of you’ was something he’d never experienced before. Nor in his twenty-two years had he ever opened a bottle of champagne, but he did it deftly, pointing the throat away from them so as not to cause an eye injury. Then he poured the bubbling liquid into the glasses Marlena had provided.
They sat on the dhurrie rug with their backs propped against the bed, sipping champagne and talking about the use of statistics in the modern world. Well, Kevin did most of the talking, but Marlena didn’t seem to mind.
‘Drink up, Kevin,’ she said, pouring him a second glass. ‘It won’t keep.’
By his third glass he was feeling light-headed. Marlena seemed a little woozy too, spilling some of her champagne on the rug and giggling about it.
‘I think I’ve had too much to drink,’ she said. ‘You won’t take advantage of me, will you, Kevin?’
‘Of course not,’ he replied, trying to sound proper but slurring his words.
‘Pity,’ she said and leaned over and kissed him firmly on the lips. Suddenly he found himself kissing her back. As he put his arms around her, she pressed against him. Could this really be happening? he asked himself. This lovely girl actually seemed to like him. Then the room started to spin and a tide of nausea rose from his stomach.
‘I think I’m going to be sick,’ he said, standing up with difficulty and stumbling out the door towards the bathroom. He barely made it in time, kneeling before the porcelain toilet and vomiting loudly into the bowl. Afterwards, he remained on the floor, oblivious to the build-up of dirt in the grouting between the tiles. The last time he had felt this way was when he was seasick on a harbour cruise. He’d spent most of that trip locked in the toilet.
Eventually he pulled himself up, using the basin for support. I’m never drinking champagne again, he decided as he viewed the pasty reflection in the mirror. He washed his hands and face thoroughly and cleaned his teeth. The walls were still moving of their own accord, so he took careful steps out the door, along the hall and back to his room. He was desperate to apologise to Marlena for his behaviour. Perhaps they could even resume where they had left off. When he entered his room, it was empty. The only evidence that she had been there were the empty bottle and two half-full glasses, which she had deposited neatly on his desk. The walls had acquired their own momentum now, spinning violently like one of those centrifugal rides at Luna Park. He collapsed on top of the bed and fell into a heavy sleep.
Next morning Kevin woke to bright sunlight. Shading his eyes, he peered at his watch. It was ten-thirty. For a moment he thought he had missed his lecture. Then he relaxed, realising it was Saturday. His head ached as badly as the time a front-row forward had spear-tackled him during a school football match. On that occasion he hadn’t run fast enough and one of the opposing players had grabbed at his legs while the other had lifted him above the ground. For a second he’d been suspended in the air, before being torpedoed into the compacted earth of the school oval.
After he showered and dressed, he checked Marlena’s room. Though the door was open and the bed made, there was no sign of her. As he descended the stairs, he could hear voices in the kitchen. From the hallway he could see Marlena with her head inclined towards John, whispering something to him. Was she telling him how Kevin couldn’t hold his liquor and had thrown up all over the bathroom? He was about to turn tail and head back upstairs when Marlena looked up.
‘Hi,’ she said quietly.
‘Hi,’ he replied, edging into the kitchen.
‘You want some milk?’ John asked, taking a swig from the carton and passing it to Kevin.
‘No, thanks.’
During breakfast there was no mention of the previous night’s humiliating incident, but it hung heavily over him. Afterwards he went upstairs and closed his door. A few minutes later he heard a knock and Marlena’s voice, saying, ‘Could you open the door, please? I need to talk to you.’
Gingerly he turned the knob and let her in.
‘How are you feeling?’ she asked.
‘Better than last night.’
‘I’m sorry about the champagne, Kevin.’
‘Don’t be sorry. It was my fault for drinking too much.’
‘It’s probably for the best. That we didn’t … you know … I mean, a romance between the two of us is out of the question, isn’t it? We’re just good friends. It could never be anything more.’
Suddenly it struck him that she had only kissed him because she was tipsy.
‘It’s not as though we don’t like each other,’ she continued. ‘But it’s a brother–sister kind of thing.’
Brother–sister! In Kevin’s experience, that implied enmity at worst, indifference at best.
‘I have something to tell you,’ she said. ‘Once the exams are over, I’m going to London with some friends. I think I might stay for a while. Unless I’ve failed something, of course. In which case I’ll have to come back and repeat the subject.’
‘You won’t fail,’ he said.
‘Even though I miss most of my morning lectures and hand in my essays late?’
‘Notwithstanding that.’
‘Thanks for helping me, Kevin. I couldn’t have done it without you.’
She gave him a chaste kiss. Three weeks later, she left for London and he never saw her again.
Kissing Danni was one of the most enjoyable things he had done in a long time, but something niggled at the back of his brain. Not just the incessant beat of her techno music, but everything about the two of them as a couple. The problem was that they weren’t friends. In fact, if it wasn’t for the way she made him feel when they were close together, he wouldn’t choose to spend any time with her at all. They were as different as the tides – if she was high water, he was the lowest ebb. And maybe that unsettling feeling he had described to Maggie wasn’t evidence of love, but simply the stirrings of lust. He’d never been sure about the difference between the two, but he suspected the latter wasn’t enough to produce an enduring relationship. Not when a man was almost fifty years old.
Anyway, if he were to have a relationship with a woman, he wanted it to be comfortable, not unsettling. Ever since Marlena, he’d longed for something like that, but feared it could never be possible for someone like him. Actually, he could only think of one woman in whose company he could truly be himself. And that was Maggie.
‘What’s wrong, Kevin? You seem distracted,’ Danni said, playing with his hair.
Kevin brushed her hand aside.
‘Are you sure you’re not gay?’ she asked impatiently.
‘No. I just have to go home now.’
‘I don’t get you, Kevin. One minute you’re encouraging me, the next you’re as a cold as a dead fish. Have you been playing some kind of weird game with me all along?’ When he remained silent, she said, ‘You know, I really don’t want to waste any more of my time on someone like you.’
‘Fair enough,’ Kevin said meekly.
She rose from the sofa and pointed to the door. ‘I think you’d better leave.’
‘Thank you very much for the dinner,’ he said.
‘You’re a weirdo, Kevin Dwyer. I wish I’d never met you.’ She marched to the door and held it open.
‘I’m sorry to have taken up your time,’ he said, grabbing his jacket from the arm of the sofa.
Danni just stood there, glowering at him. He’d seen that expression in his schooldays – on the faces of his fellow players when he fumbled the ball or cost them a try.
‘I’m really sorry’ were his final words as he w
alked out the door. He was barely outside when he heard it slam behind him.
Trivia Night
Maggie
Maggie was the first to arrive at trivia night. She had considered staying at home for a second week, but what was the point in moping around the house, pining for Josh Houghton? He’d never been the man she thought he was. It had only taken her half a lifetime to work it out. All the same, she hadn’t quite let go of him. And whenever her phone beeped, she felt wary and excited at the same time.
At a quarter to eight, Kevin arrived. He seemed edgy. Well, edgier than usual.
‘Everything okay, Kevin?’ she asked.
‘Yes,’ he replied in his trademark monotone. Nonetheless, she could tell that something was awry.
‘Do you want to talk?’
‘Talk?’
‘About whatever’s worrying you.’
‘No.’
‘Okay.’ She was beginning to suspect it had something to do with the young woman. Possibly a lovers’ tiff. Best not to pursue it.
Suddenly her phone beeped, making her jump. It was a text message from you know who.
It’s been a week, Mags, and I miss you. Surely there’s a way we can still see each other.
‘Still see each other’! What part of ‘tosser’ didn’t he understand? With a shaking hand she deleted the message.
The others arrived soon after. Edward seemed to have a swagger about him that suggested he had regained some of his self-esteem. Maybe it was because he now considered himself to be a novelist.
‘Good evening, everyone,’ said the Professor, pausing for a response from the crowd. A few people replied to his greeting. ‘Tonight our questions will be what I call the superlatives. The biggest. The smallest. The shortest. The longest. Get your pencils ready for round one.’
‘Who’s going to be recorder?’ asked Maggie.
‘I will,’ said Edward.
‘Let’s hope tonight’s questions are less controversial than the longest man-made structure,’ said Ash. ‘I thought we were going to need a referee for that one.’
‘First question of the night,’ said the Professor. ‘What is the largest marsupial in the world?’
‘That’s easy,’ said Edward. ‘The kangaroo.’
‘Too general,’ said Kevin. ‘It’s the red kangaroo.’
‘Okay,’ said Edward amiably. ‘Are we all agreed?’
‘Yes,’ said Maggie.
Question two: what is the largest lizard in the world?
‘Isn’t it the goanna?’ Mei Zhen asked.
‘The name “goanna” is a corruption of the Spanish word “iguana”,’ Kevin said.
‘Really?’ Maggie queried. ‘I thought it was an Aboriginal word.’
‘A lot of people think that,’ Kevin said. ‘But the truth is that the early European settlers coined the term.’
‘Isn’t that interesting?’ Maggie said to herself.
‘Not particularly,’ Edward responded. ‘And will you two focus on coming up with the answer rather than going off on a tangent?’
‘It’s also correct to say “off at a tangent”,’ said Kevin. ‘Actually, either preposition makes sense in terms of the geometric origins of the term.’
As Edward scowled at Kevin, Maggie gave his arm a gentle nudge. ‘What is the largest lizard in the world, Kevin?’
‘The komodo dragon,’ he replied. ‘They can grow to three metres.’
What is the largest carnivorous marsupial?
‘I know this one,’ said Carole. ‘Remember we saw them in Tasmania, Edward? It was years ago, long before they started catching that awful disease.’
Edward wrote down ‘Tasmanian devil’.
What is the largest island in the world?
Edward started writing almost before the Professor had finished the question. Maggie looked across at the answer sheet.
‘That’s not correct, Edward.’
‘Of course it is.’
‘Australia’s a continent,’ Maggie insisted, ‘not an island.’
‘It’s surrounded by water,’ Edward countered. ‘Even the national anthem says so.’
‘The answer is Greenland,’ Ash said confidently.
‘That’s ridiculous. Don’t you think so, Carole?’ Edward asked, seeking her support.
‘I don’t know. Greenland seems smaller. Then again, maybe continents aren’t considered to be islands. Can they be both?’
‘If that were the case, Antarctica would be the answer,’ said Ash. ‘It’s ginormous.’
‘But Antarctica is made of ice. It can’t be an island,’ Edward said triumphantly.
‘Can we please agree on something?’ Maggie begged.
‘I’m putting “Australia”,’ Edward said, in a tone that allowed for no further discussion.
‘Ash was right about Greenland,’ Kevin whispered to Maggie.
‘I know.’
Question five: what is the world’s largest city?
‘Population or area?’ asked Kevin.
‘It would have to be population, wouldn’t it?’ said Maggie.
‘Tokyo,’ said Kevin.
Question six: what is the world’s largest lake?
‘Here we go again,’ Kevin said to Maggie.
‘Lake Eyre,’ said Ash.
‘But it’s a salt pan,’ said Mei Zhen.
‘It’s called a lake,’ Ash insisted. ‘How big is it, Kevin?’
‘The whole system is over a million square metres. But strictly speaking, it’s a drainage basin.’
‘The Caspian Sea,’ Edward suggested.
‘It’s a sea,’ Mei Zhen countered.
‘Lake Superior,’ Maggie said confidently. ‘If you’re talking about lakes in the sense that most of us understand them.’
‘I wish the Professor wouldn’t ask these vaguely worded questions,’ Kevin said to no-one in particular. ‘They turn a trivia quiz into a guessing game.’
‘What should I write down?’ Edward asked, suddenly becoming democratic.
‘Put the Caspian Sea,’ Maggie said, ‘only because I suspect it’s the answer that the Professor wants.’
What is the country with the largest population in the world?
‘China,’ said Mei Zhen. ‘I should know that one.’
The world’s largest potato is located in which country?
‘Is he referring to a real potato, or one of those tourist attractions like the Big Pineapple?’ asked Kevin.
‘I’m assuming he means a tourist attraction,’ Maggie replied with a smile.
‘It would have to be Ireland, wouldn’t it?’ Carole ventured.
‘Or Idaho in America,’ Ash added.
‘There’s one in Australia,’ Maggie said. ‘At Robertson.’
‘Let’s go with Australia,’ said Carole.
The world’s largest recorded earthquake was in Chile in 1960. What was the magnitude: A. 8.8, B. 9.0, C. 9.2, or D. 9.5?
‘Anybody know?’ Edward asked.
Everyone shook their head.
‘In that case, let’s use Kevin’s theory about multiple choice questions and go with B.’
‘I don’t think so,’ said Kevin. ‘Look at the way the list is organised. Note the increments of 0.2 between the numbers. Only “D” is different.’
‘Put down “D”,’ said Ash.
‘And now for the final question in this round,’ said the Professor. ‘What is the largest church in the world?’
‘St Peter’s in Rome,’ said Maggie.
Everyone concurred.
‘I really don’t like these superlative questions, Maggie,’ Kevin sighed. ‘They leave far too much room for argument.’
As usual, when the karaoke was announced, Maggie and Kevin headed down the back stairs to the exit door. Outside, the crisp autumn air caught them both by surprise after weeks of balmy Tuesday evenings. Maggie shivered a little.
‘I should have brought a coat,’ she said.
‘Would you like my jacket?’ Kevin off
ered.
She was so shocked at this act of chivalry that she accepted wordlessly, draping his suit jacket over her shoulders and pulling it around her.
They must have sat there for at least five minutes, just listening to the surf pounding on the beach until the sound became so familiar it might have been muzak. Then Kevin broke the silence with a very peculiar question: ‘Maggie, what sort of word is “laters”?’
Maggie turned towards him. ‘It’s short for “see you later”.’
‘Would you ever use that word?’
Maggie gave a little laugh. ‘The only reason I know what it means is that I hear my students using it. “Laters” isn’t something someone my age would say. It’s for kids. It’s like “LOL” in text messages. To tell you the truth, for a long time I thought LOL meant “lots of love”.’
‘And what does it mean?’ Kevin asked.
She checked his expression to see if he was serious. And of course he was.
‘Laughing out loud. I felt so embarrassed when I found out because I’d been signing off with LOL in my texts. My friends must have thought I was an idiot.’
Kevin uttered a long sigh. ‘Sometimes I feel as though the whole world is using language I don’t understand.’
It was such a profound confession that Maggie held her breath, waiting for him to elucidate. But there were no more words, just another long silence.
‘Are you sure everything’s okay, Kevin? You don’t seem like yourself.’
‘I’m fine,’ he said tersely and looked at his watch. ‘Table ten will have finished by now. Time to go back inside.’
WEEK
TEN
Patrick
When Patrick’s mum picked him up from school, she gave him a kiss and barely said a word for the rest of the car trip. He couldn’t understand it. It was the day of his mother’s return visit to Peter, exactly three weeks since the tests. Why hadn’t she mentioned the results? Unless he’d done badly. But how could that be? He’d blitzed the general knowledge, not to mention the maths and the blocks. And all those puzzles too.
The Trivia Man Page 16