by Carol Lynne
Nate met Rio’s gaze. “I can’t.” He glanced back at the lodge. “I think I’m going to get a room for a few days, at least until I can get my head straight.”
Rio wanted to scream at Nate for being foolish, but he couldn’t. Over the past several years, they’d each exorcised demons in their own way. If Nate needed to be away from home, Rio had no choice but to support him. “Would you at least tell me what you’re struggling with? Is it because your father appears to have a relationship with Buddy?”
Nate shrugged. “That could be part of it. I had this grand idea of swooping in and becoming the family Buddy never had. Not only did I find out that Buddy doesn’t need me at all, but that I’m the only one my father was able to walk away from.” He pressed the heels of his hands against his temples. “There’s so much I’d forgotten.” He closed his eyes. “And now that I remember, I know exactly why I forgot it in the first place.”
Rio’s hackles rose. He didn’t trust William Gilloume, never had. The ultra-conservative side of the Senator had always seemed like a front for the beast that lay underneath. “Did your father do something to you?”
Nate stared at Rio for several moments before his eyebrows rose in surprise. “No, nothing like that. God, no.” He reached for Rio’s hand. “He was nice to me once. I think it hurt me so badly when he kicked me out of his life that I conveniently forgot all the good things about him. Seeing him with Buddy brought it all back.”
Despite the cold temperature, Nate scooted back enough to lie down on the stone bench and rest his head in Rio’s lap. “I’ve been sitting here trying to figure out if I fought to get Hannah and Will because it was the best thing for them or if I did it to take away from him what he took from me.” Nate buried his face against Rio’s thigh. “I was all set to blackmail my father into getting custody of Buddy as well.”
When Nate started to cry, Rio could do nothing but offer silent support by running his hand up and down Nate’s arm.
“I’m no better than he is, maybe even less than he is,” Nate mumbled.
“Okay, stop right there,” Rio demanded. He could no longer hold his tongue. “You’re nothing like your father. I’m not saying a small part of you didn’t take some satisfaction in taking the kids from him, but I’ve seen you with Will and Hannah and your feelings for them are real. Fact is, they’re a hell of a lot better off with us and in your heart, you know that.”
“Hannah reminded me tonight that I’m not her parent.” Nate turned just enough to look up at Rio. “Is it wrong that I want to be? Laura and Robby have only been gone for a couple of weeks, and I’m already trying to replace them.”
Rio blew out a breath. “I think in that situation, neither of you are wrong. You can’t expect to open your home and your heart to them and not want them to think of you as a parent, but on the other hand, you can’t expect Hannah or Will to forget Laura and Robby so soon.”
“I don’t want them to forget,” Nate countered. “I just want a hug that feels real. Does that make sense?”
“Yeah.” Rio patted Nate’s back. “Now get up before you freeze to death. If you want, I can take the kids home and bring you back an overnight bag or something.”
Nate pursed his lips before blowing out a resigned breath. “That’s okay. I’ve changed my mind about staying. It’s wrong to ask you and Ryan to juggle the kids. You’re both supposed to head back to work tomorrow.”
“Don’t worry about us. I can take Hannah and Will with me to the gym.”
“I think Hannah likes Kit, and I’m sure Mario could keep Will occupied if you have a client or something.” Nate sat up before crawling into Rio’s lap. “I don’t think it’s fair of me to be around them when I’m feeling so sad, so maybe I will stay for a day or two. Just until I can get my head on straight,” he added.
Rio hated to think of Nate alone in a hotel room, but again, he went back to his own struggles after finding out Ghost was still alive. “Okay. I’ll bring you a couple of changes of clothes.”
“And my laptop?”
Rio hugged Nate, trying to pour all his love and support into the embrace. “Anything else?”
“The video?” Nate asked. “I don’t know if I’ll be able to watch the whole thing, but I’d like it close in case I think I can.”
“I’ll have to get it from Ryan, but I’ll pack it in your bag. You should be able to watch it on your laptop.”
“Yeah, that’s what I figured.” Nate released Rio and slid off his lap. “What’re you going to tell Will and Hannah?”
“The truth. I won’t go into details or anything, but I’ll let them know you’re sad and need a little time to yourself. Actually, it might be good for them to see that it’s okay to be sad.” Rio stood and pulled Nate into his arms once more. “I love you so damn much,” he said before taking Nate’s mouth in a deep kiss. He wanted nothing more than to take Nate home and whisper dirty words to him all night long while they made love, but first Nate needed to get his head on straight.
“I love you, too,” Nate replied after breaking the kiss. “Make sure Ryan understands how much you all mean to me. I know he’ll start thinking too hard again.” He tapped Rio’s temple with his fingertip. “Just like you do. Neither of you need to worry about me though. I’ll be fine in a day or two.”
“I know you will be, but it’ll be hard knowing you’re so close but not with us.” Rio bracketed Nate’s face with his palms. “Despite what your father did, know that we wouldn’t have met if your life had taken a different path.”
Nate turned his head and kissed Rio’s palm. “And I can’t imagine any other life than the one I already have.” He pulled away. “I’d better get inside and see if they have a room for me before my nuts freeze off.”
Rio chuckled. “We wouldn’t want that.”
* * * *
With biscuits already in the oven, Ryan was finishing off the sausage gravy when he heard someone come into the kitchen. “Almost ready.” When he received no answer or loving arms around him, he knew Hannah was sitting in her usual spot at the table. “You like biscuits and gravy?”
“It’s okay, but I need to start dieting again. I don’t want to start a new school in a couple of days looking like I do,” Hannah replied.
Ryan glanced over his shoulder. Hannah wasn’t heavy in any sense of the word, but her body had indeed started to change in the last few weeks. “You don’t need to lose weight,” he argued. “You’re becoming a woman, that’s all.”
“Don’t remind me,” she mumbled.
Ryan took the gravy off the stove and poured it into a large mixing bowl. “Would you mind setting the table?”
The chair scraped against the floor moments before Ryan heard the cupboard door open. “Can I ask you something?”
“Sure.” Ryan readied himself for the question he’d been anticipating. Nate had been gone for three nights, and none of them knew when he would return. When Ryan had spoken to Nate the previous day, Nate had mentioned making a trip back to DC. Ryan wasn’t sure if the trip was to see Buddy or the Senator, and he hadn’t asked.
“Did Uncle Nate leave because of me?” Hannah asked.
Ryan picked up the hot bowl and set it on the table. “No,” he replied simply.
“Then why’s he so sad that he doesn’t come home? I know I hurt his feelings. I knew it as soon as I saw him walk away from me the other night.”
Ryan put on the oven mitt. He didn’t know whether or not Hannah knew she had another uncle, so he needed to tread lightly. “I think the death of your dad brought Nate back to the fact that he was ordered out of the family. He was only eighteen when it happened, so I imagine he didn’t have the time or faculties to deal with it then.”
“My dad talked about him once in a while, but never around my grandparents. I think he always expected Uncle Nate to show up some day.”
“I wish he would’ve reached out to Nate like your mom did.” Ryan pulled the biscuits from the oven and slid them onto a platter.
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Hannah shook her head. “Dad wouldn’t have ever done that. I think he was afraid Grandfather would disown him, too, if he did.”
“What a shame.” Ryan pressed the button beside the kitchen door that rang a doorbell in the stables. He should’ve done it earlier, but hadn’t wanted his conversation with Hannah interrupted. “I know it hasn’t been easy for you here, but I hope you’ll settle in better once school starts.”
Hannah shrugged. “It’s not so bad. Will’s happier here. I miss the mall all the time and my friends some of the time, but I’ll get through it. Kit said she’d take me into Sheridan sometime soon to shop, so…”
“Just do me a favour and don’t let Nate go with you. He spends too damn much when he goes into Sheridan. If you need some new school clothes though, I’ll give you some money.”
“Really? Why would you do that?” Hannah asked.
Ryan retrieved the gallon of orange juice before joining Hannah at the table. “Because you live here, and we’re responsible for you and Will. Comes with the territory I guess.” He tossed her a hot biscuit. “Plus, I kinda like ya.”
Hannah grinned. “I like you, too.” She took her time splitting her biscuit. “So what’s with the tattoos?”
“I like ’em,” Ryan replied before narrowing his eyes at her. “But don’t you even think about getting one.”
Hannah held up her hands. “I hate needles, so you don’t have to worry about that.”
“Good.” Ryan stared down at his biscuit. “You think we should eat without them?”
“Yeah. Please don’t take this the wrong way, but Rio doesn’t seem to listen to you very much,” Hannah said.
Chuckling, Ryan covered his biscuits in thick, creamy gravy. “No, he doesn’t. Never has. Rio likes to say Nate’s the immature one in the relationship, but that’s not the way it is. I think it has something to do with his upbringing.”
“He was raised in the circus?” Hannah joked.
Ryan smiled at the thought but quickly sobered. “He was abandoned on the streets of Buenos Aires when he was an infant and raised in an orphanage until an older couple adopted him. I don’t think he had much of a childhood, so I guess he’s comfortable enough with Nate and me”—he gestured to Hannah—“and now you and Will to have fun.”
“Rio’s an orphan, too?”
“Yeah. So am I.” Ryan reached across the table and covered Hannah’s hand with his own. “Although I was grown when I lost my parents.” He didn’t go into details. Hannah had her own problems without telling her about his fucked-up childhood.
“So you understand,” she mumbled, withdrawing her hand from Ryan’s touch.
“I understand that it’s hard for you to wake up and realise your parents aren’t here anymore. I wish I could tell you that feeling will go away, but I don’t think it ever does. It’ll lessen in time because you’ll come to understand that even though they’re gone, you need to keep going, but there will be those times in your life when you’d give almost anything to have them with you. That’s natural. It’s also okay to be sad and cry if you need to.” Ryan sighed. “This may be coming out all wrong. I’m sorry, but this role is new to me and half the time I don’t know what the fu—dge I’m doing.”
For the first time since they’d met, Hannah initiated contact and threaded her fingers through Ryan’s. “I think you’re doing a pretty good job. Although you need to consider getting a water softener installed. I don’t know where your water comes from but it’s really screwing up my hair.”
The tension in the air dissipated as Ryan laughed. “I’ll add that to my list of things to do.”
* * * *
Nate took a deep breath as he raised his hand to knock on the front door of the home he’d grown up in. Good or bad, he’d waited around the corner until he saw his mother leave for her long-standing Saturday game of cards with the ladies at the club. If his father still followed his normal routine, he’d already have a glass of whisky in his hand as he settled in the red leather chair in his study with whatever political thriller happened to be on the bestsellers’ list.
The door opened and a stranger looked back at him. “Yes? May I help you?” she asked.
“Where’s Mrs Laurel?” Nate asked.
The woman tilted her head to the side. “Mrs Laurel retired almost eight years ago. How may I help you?”
Nate noticed she still hadn’t given her name. It seemed his mother had put the new housekeeper through the same rigorous training poor Mrs Laurel had suffered through. “My legal name used to be William Gilloume, Jr. I’d like to see my father.”
The housekeeper’s eyes went wide. “One moment, please,” she said before shutting the door in Nate’s face.
Nate stuck his hands deep into his coat pockets and turned to study the landscaping. Everything looked exactly the same. He wondered what it would be like to live in a still-life portrait instead of in the ever-changing real world. Thoughts of his mother made him shudder. In the Gilloume house, all rules were created and enforced by Collette.
The door opened once more. “The Senator will see you in his study,” she announced before stepping back.
Although he’d tried his best to stay away from the worst of the snowy muck on the street, slush clung to his expensive shoes. Nate lifted one to stomp the mess onto the entry rug and was given a scowl by the housekeeper. Was she kidding? He wasn’t a child anymore. The worst punishments of his childhood had been a direct result of sticky fingerprints and muddy feet in his mother’s house.
When the housekeeper crossed her arms and refused to budge until Nate followed protocol, he caved. “Fine,” he mumbled, slipping out of his shoes.
With a satisfied nod, the housekeeper stepped out of Nate’s way.
On his way to the study, Nate licked his fingertips and drew them across one of the highly polished antique tables his mother loved. Childish? Absolutely. But the deed empowered him in a stupid way. He stopped in front of the heavy wooden door and knocked.
“Come in.”
Nate took a deep breath. He could do this. It had taken him his entire adult life to work through his issues, but his head was where it needed to be. “Thank you for seeing me,” he said, entering the room.
“What do you want?” Senator Gilloume asked.
Nate knew he wasn’t welcome in the house, so he didn’t bother taking a seat on the cold leather sofa. “I won’t take much of your time, but I have a few things to discuss with you.” He took another fortifying breath, determined to get through it. “First of all, I’d like it if we could schedule a few weeks this summer for Hannah and Will to come and visit. The only concession I’d like from you is that you’ll take some time off to be with them. They’re great kids, and worth getting to know.”
“You think I don’t know my own grandchildren?”
“I know you don’t or you would’ve fought like hell to keep them.” Nate knew he would have. He decided not to get into an argument with his father—it would only derail the purpose for his visit. “I’d also like to ask you about Buddy.”
The Senator’s face paled but he said nothing.
“You love him,” Nate declared.
“Yes.”
“Does Mother know you visit him?” Nate asked. He doubted it was a coincidence that Collette hadn’t been in the video he’d finally had the courage to watch.
“Yes,” the Senator answered.
“Has she ever visited him?”
“No. Buddy believes Mrs Valentine’s his mother. Collette wasn’t able to handle Buddy’s condition, so we felt it was better that way.”
Nate nodded. “I agree,” he surprised himself by saying. “I don’t know Mrs Valentine, but I can tell she’s protective of Buddy. That’s more than I could ever say about my own mother. That says a lot in my eyes.” He didn’t add that it made him even more jealous of Buddy. Not only did his brother have a mother-figure who loved him, but Buddy had the love of their father.
“What are you going to do
with the information about Buddy?” William asked.
“Nothing as long as you continue to be his father. When I first found out about Buddy, I considered taking him to Cattle Valley with me, but now I see that he has a good life here. I’m not saying I wouldn’t eventually like to meet him, but at least I won’t worry that he’s lacking for affection.”
“Buddy doesn’t deal well with strangers.” The Senator sipped his drink. “I’ll have to ease him into it. Perhaps when you bring Hannah and Will back to visit, Buddy’ll be ready to meet you.”
Nate nodded. “I’ll accept that.”
“What else?”
Nate stood a little straighter. What he was about to say would forever change the way he saw his father, but it was an important step he had to make for his own family. “I forgive you.”
“Forgive me? For what?”
“For your ignorance when it comes to me. For failing to see what a great person I am despite who I choose to love. For being so narrow-minded that you can’t see the world is leaving you behind like you left me behind.” Nate shrugged. “Take your pick.”
“This is my last term,” the Senator declared, getting to his feet. He finished his drink before pouring another. “The world’s changing, and I can no longer compete while maintaining my values.”
Nate stared at his father. He no longer saw the monster he once was. Instead, he saw a man who had never allowed himself to be who he truly was. “I want you to know that if you ever decide to embrace that part of yourself that you’ve tried to shut out, I’ll be here for you.”
“Why would you do that after the way I condemned you?”
“Because I’ve come to realise that you didn’t condemn me at all. I would’ve never become the man I am if I’d stayed with you and Mother. I have everything I could ask for, and all it took was the courage to reach for it.”
* * * *
“Thanks for picking me up,” Nate told Carol as they pulled up to the house.
“Just promise me you’ll be into work on Monday?”
“I’ll be there.” Nate leaned over and kissed Carol’s cheek. “Love you,” he whispered.