by Maya Banks
“Yeah,” Swanny muttered.
Nathan picked up another beer and popped the tab. He took several long gulps and then directed his gaze toward the lake and let the blue swallow him.
“Someone or something helped us,” Nathan said. “It was like the most fucking beautiful thing I’ve ever encountered. I worried I was dead or dying because I was sure I felt the presence of an angel.”
If he closed his eyes and thought hard enough, he could still feel the brush of Shea’s fingers on his face, the warmth of her soul as it merged with his. It was inexplicable. He didn’t want to examine it too closely, because he wanted it to be real. He wanted her to be real.
“Angel. Yeah, that about covers the feeling. It was warm. Like the warmest, most soothing sensation I’ve ever experienced in my life. My panic and fear just melted away. I just can’t wrap my head around it. I’ve never really had a firm belief in God one way or another. I mean I suppose there has to be some higher power out there, but was that what it was? Was God helping us?”
Nathan’s hands shook and he set his beer down so he wouldn’t spill it. “I’ve asked myself that a thousand times. I don’t have an answer. Maybe I never will.”
The idea that he’d never talk to her again, never feel her inside him, destroyed a part of his soul that she’d claimed for her own.
There was so much more he could tell Swanny. But he wouldn’t ever divulge just how close to surrender he’d been in those darkest hours. Shea had saved him. Not just him but Swanny too.
Shea.
He couldn’t help the soft call. Her name echoed through his brain, making no connection. She simply wasn’t there.
Was she in trouble? Had she sacrificed her safety in order to help him? He wished to hell he knew.
He glanced back up at Swanny, who seemed as content with the silence as Nathan was.
“What now, man?” Nathan asked softly.
Swanny grimaced and absently fingered the puckered scar marring his face. “I wish to hell I knew. What about you?”
Nathan blew out his breath. “I’ve been working on that.” He gestured over his shoulder. “Haven’t made a whole lot of progress, but it gives me something to do. My brothers alternate between wanting to commit me to a long-term rest facility complete with psych ward and wanting me to start training with them. Joe’s doing well. He’s already training with a team.”
The ache inside his chest intensified. There was a gulf between him and his twin. Joe wanted to rush in, make it all better. Bully Nathan into taking action. Joe was impetuous, but it served him well. Nothing got him down. He’d blown through physical therapy for his busted leg and had started training the moment he got the okay from the therapist.
He expected Nathan to be able to do the same. Shake it off. Physically heal and then get back into the game. It wasn’t that Nathan didn’t want to join KGI. He did. It had always been his and Joe’s plan. Once they served their last tour in the army, they were going to work with their brothers.
He’d only been a few weeks away from that goal when everything had gone to hell.
Now…Now he wasn’t willing to commit unless he could be sure he’d give his brothers one hundred percent. He couldn’t guarantee anyone that. Not yet.
He also knew that his brothers were urging him to “join” simply so they could take care of him, stay on his ass to take care of himself, but they had no intention of letting him go on missions. They wanted to give him a purpose.
He wasn’t sure what his purpose was these days. It sounded fatalistic. He wasn’t. But for so long his purpose had simply been survival. Now he had to regroup, pick up the pieces and decide what the hell he was going to do with the life he’d been granted. A life that Shea had given him.
Somehow sitting here talking to Swanny brought Shea that much more sharply back to him and convinced him that he hadn’t imagined her.
“I’m not sure what I’m going to do next either,” Swanny said. “I honestly never expected to make it back. I thought I was going to die in that shithole cave.”
Nathan nodded because he’d been just as convinced as Swanny had been.
A cool breeze blew in from the lake, and Nathan turned his face up to catch the sweet scent of honeysuckle. He loved it here. To experience such peace after being in such unimaginable stress was disconcerting almost.
“Well, what do you say we don’t make any life decisions for the next day or two at least,” Nathan said with a smile. “You got a place to stay? I’m thinking the biggest decision we need to think about is what beer we want and whether we’re going to run out.”
Swanny grinned. “Now you’re speaking my language. I booked a hotel in Paris and drove over the lake to find you.”
“Cancel the hotel. I’ve got better accommodations here.” He gestured at a tent toward the edge of the cliff overlooking the lake just beyond the frame of his house. “If you don’t mind rustic, plenty of fresh air and all the beer you can drink. Ma has made it her mission to make sure I never starve, so we can count on routine deliveries of food.”
“Home-cooked food and beer? And they say you can’t get to heaven without dying.”
Nathan sobered. No. But you could certainly go to hell without dying. He shook away that thought and then stood.
“Let’s go get your stuff and check you out of your hotel. We’ll stop by the store, get what we need, and we’ll spend a few nights under the stars.”
Swanny got to his feet. He stared out over the lake for a minute and then turned his gaze to Nathan. A smile softened the harsh lines around his eyes. “Yeah. Sounds like a plan.”
CHAPTER 10
SWANNY sat back in his chair with a groan. “That was the best meal I’ve had in a long time, Mrs. Kelly.”
Nathan’s mom beamed as she got up from her seat to start clearing the table. She stopped by Swanny and patted him on the cheek.
“You have to call me Marlene. Or Mom. Or Ma. Really. You’re family, so Mrs. Kelly just won’t do.”
Swanny had the same befuddled look on his face that most people did when encountering the storm that was Nathan’s mother. He looked torn between bemusement and wanting to hug the woman.
It had taken a lot of persuading to get Swanny to agree to
have dinner with the Kellys. He was self-conscious about his face, but then Marlene blithely ignored the scarring. She kissed, patted and otherwise made it a point to let Swanny know she didn’t care. He’d instantly become another of her children.
“You boys want to retire to the living room and have a beer? There’s a baseball game on,” Frank Kelly said. “Leave the dishes, Marlene. I’ll get them later.”
Nathan grinned. His dad still treated them like they were…boys. His boys. No matter how old they got. They were still the children of Marlene and Frank Kelly no matter what.
Joe tossed down his napkin and rose. “Beer sounds good. Baseball sounds even better.”
Rusty smiled impishly and darted a glance toward Frank. “Yeah, beer sounds great!”
Frank gave her a get-real look. “Very funny, young lady. You get lemonade.”
“Hey, I’m eighteen now!”
“And?” Marlene asked.
Rusty rolled her eyes. “And it means I have three more years until I’m legally allowed to imbibe.”
Marlene nodded approvingly. “Now you’re getting it.”
Nathan stood, as did Swanny, and they started to follow Frank and Joe into the living room. Rusty waited until Marlene had left to go get drinks then hurriedly rose and touched Nathan on the arm.
“Hey, can I talk to you for a minute?” she asked in a low voice.
Nathan frowned but hung back after motioning for Swanny to follow Nathan’s dad and brother.
Rusty looked a little nervous and hesitant, neither of which were qualities usually attributed to her.
“What’s up?” Nathan asked.
Things had come a long way in Rusty’s relationship with the Kellys. His brothers to be spec
ific. But Nathan had always been more…understanding…so she naturally gravitated toward him more than his siblings.
Another of Marlene’s strays, Rusty had been taken in at the time when Rachel had been rescued and brought home after a year of being thought dead. The family situation had been volatile at best, and Rusty had added tension. She’d been defensive, bratty and sullen, but over time she’d earned her place and now she was as fiercely protective of the family as any natural-born Kelly.
“Look, I wasn’t supposed to ask you this. I mean Marlene and Frank didn’t want me to pressure you. I’m supposed to back off and let you breathe and stuff.”
Nathan lifted an eyebrow. One would think he was a hair from barking at the moon in full werewolf gear.
She hurried on in a rush. “But I really want you there. I mean like more than everyone else. Not that I don’t want everyone else there too, but it would be really great if you could make it as well.”
He put his hand on her arm. “Rusty.”
She quieted immediately, and her cheeks reddened.
“Just spit it out. Where do you want me to be?”
“Graduation,” she mumbled. “It’s this week. I would have said something earlier, I mean I didn’t want to just spring it on you like this, but Marlene didn’t want me to pressure you—”
“Of course I’ll come.”
“I know the crowd issue and that you don’t like being around so many people since you got home and all—”
“Rusty, I’ll come. I wouldn’t miss it.”
She looked up in surprise. Then a wide smile flashed on her face. “Really? I mean if you don’t want to. Or if it’s too much, I totally understand.”
He smiled. “You only graduate once, kiddo. I’ll suffer through it.”
Her lips turned down and her expression grew worried.
“I was kidding. Of course I’ll be there. The whole Kelly clan will be there. I’m sure Ma wants to frame that diploma. Has she already planned a party that includes the entire county?”
Rusty’s eyes shone with relief. Her smile returned and she jiggled with excitement. Then to Nathan’s surprise, she launched herself at him and wrapped her arms around him, squeezing tight.
“I wanted you there the most.”
The words were muffled by the fact that her face was planted against his chest. He smiled and then hugged her back.
As she pulled away, she glanced back toward the kitchen. “Just don’t tell Marlene I asked. Okay?”
“Lips are sealed.”
As they started toward the living room, Rusty hesitated once more and turned serious blue eyes on him. “I’m so glad you’re home, Nathan. I was—we were all—worried about you.”
He ruffled her hair. “Thanks, kiddo.”
It was nice to have family who worried about him. He was suddenly overcome with near-choking emotion. His eyelids stung and he cursed the onslaught of the aching relief of being home when he thought he’d never return here again.
Rusty slipped her hand into his and tugged him toward the living room. It embarrassed him that she seemed to realize how unstable he’d suddenly become.
Swanny was sitting on the couch next to Joe, who’d slouched, tossed off his shoes and then kicked his feet up on the ottoman. He wouldn’t admit it to anyone, but Nathan knew his leg still bothered him and he wasn’t yet one hundred percent after taking a bullet. Nathan’s own bullet wound had healed much faster. It had been a flesh wound and hadn’t hit bone as Joe’s had. Joe was training hard with a KGI team, but he still hadn’t been cleared for missions. Physically, Nathan was probably more ready for active duty again than Joe was. And yet, Nathan had still not even considered joining his brothers.
Nathan’s dad was in his recliner, remote in hand, and they all looked up when Rusty dragged Nathan into the living room.
“Your brothers are coming over,” Frank said.
Nathan raised his brows. “All of them?”
“Yeah, they aren’t happy you’ve been avoiding them—their words not mine.”
Nathan bit back a curse. He glanced over at Swanny, who was engrossed in the game already and arguing with Joe over batting averages.
“We could sneak out the back,” Rusty muttered.
Nathan chuckled and some of his anxiety lessened. The tension in his chest eased, and suddenly he could breathe again. He did want to see his brothers and his sisters-in-law and his sister-in-law-to-be, Sarah.
Sarah was quieter than even Rachel, and she still seemed ill at ease and overwhelmed by all the family members. It was obvious that Garrett was a total goner over the woman he was marrying. He never strayed far from her side, and now that Nathan was home, they were planning their wedding for later in the summer right before Rusty left for college at the University of Tennessee.
He looked at Rachel far differently now. Before he’d always been gentle with her, considered her fragile, as if she’d break at any moment. The whole family treated her like she was…weak.
Now he realized just what a disservice they did her. He couldn’t even comprehend the strength it took to survive in hell for an entire year. He’d been ready to give up after two months. He’d looked death in the face and accepted without blinking the inevitability of his own.
Rachel awed him and shamed him in equal parts. He had the sudden urge to see her again, even though it had only been a week since the last time he’d seen her. He wanted to hug her. To tell her how damn amazed he was by her. He didn’t think his family told her that often enough. Maybe they’d never told her.
“Take a load off,” Joe said.
Nathan blinked his way out of his thoughts and realized that everyone was staring at him. He wiped his palms down the legs of his jeans and settled onto the couch down from Swanny. Soon the room would be filled with his brothers and their wives. People would be sitting on the floor, spilled over the arms of chairs and the couch. And his mom would beam the entire time.
He glanced questioningly at Swanny, wanting to know if his friend was up for this. They’d spent the last two days alone at Nathan’s building site until Nathan’s mom had had enough and dragged them over for a real dinner, as she’d put it.
Swanny looked content—more content than Nathan—to be surrounded by so many warm people. But then Swanny didn’t have family. He’d had no one to return to when he and Nathan had been rescued. In Swanny’s position, Nathan would have given up hope a lot sooner. Only the drive to see his family again had kept him sane. What had given Swanny such determination?
If he could give Swanny a little peace by sharing his family, then Nathan would gladly do it. His mom would adopt him now anyway whether Swanny liked it or not. Nothing much stopped her when she set her mind to something, and collecting strays was a lifelong habit of hers.
“How is training going, Joe?” Frank asked.
Nathan traced one of the scars on his arm and didn’t look over for his brother’s response. His dad didn’t mean anything by it. He worried about his youngest sons. The family was thrilled to have them both home, and their brothers were content to have them under the KGI umbrella.
Nathan hadn’t made a commitment. He wasn’t even talking the possibility. Not yet. Maybe never.
“Going good, Dad. I’m being assigned to Rio’s team. Van is still working on a third team. That could be months in the works. He’s a picky bastard.”
“You’ll be taking assignments already?” Marlene asked sharply.
Nathan turned his head to see his mom walk into the living room with that classic “mom” look on her face, which meant she was displeased. And worried. She put the tray holding the drinks down on the coffee table and motioned for them to get one.
Joe snorted. “If I had my way, yeah. But for now I’ll just be training with Rio and his men.”
Marlene frowned harder. “But they live away. Doesn’t Rio live in some jungle somewhere?”
Joe grinned. “Belize, Mom. And yeah, he lives there. He doesn’t train there. We’ll train
here at the new facility. It’s why Sam busted ass to get everything up and running. Well, and we still have permission from Uncle Sam to train at Fort Campbell too.”
“Well, that’s something at least,” Marlene muttered as she took a seat between Nathan and Swanny. “If it’s all the same, I’d like for my boys not to take off the minute I get them home. Has your doctor even given you the go-ahead for this kind of activity?”
She put her hand on Nathan’s leg and gave him a gentle squeeze, even though she didn’t look his way or direct her statement toward him. While his brothers worried incessantly over Nathan, Marlene seemed content to give him time and space and not pressure him to do anything at all.
But that might be because she feared he was one short fuse away from exploding. Which would explain why she hadn’t wanted Rusty to invite him to graduation. He sighed. He just wanted things to be normal, or as close to normal as possible. In the past she wouldn’t have hesitated one iota to tell him where and when to be wherever she thought he should.
Joe laughed. “Ma, I’m fine. No, I’m not one hundred percent, but I’m almost there and I will be there the more I work at it. I’m not going to get better sitting on my ass and feeling sorry for myself.”
Nathan didn’t look at his brother, but he could feel the weight of Joe’s stare. He knew the statement was pointed. He knew Joe thought he should be able to move on, stay busy, forget the last year. Put it out of his mind.
That was Joe.
Joe wanted Nathan to start training. Joe wanted to pretend that nothing had ever happened to Nathan because it hurt him to think of what had happened to his twin.
Everyone had their own idea of how to fix Nathan. And maybe that was the reason Nathan had pulled back. Because the only person who was going to fix Nathan was Nathan and he didn’t have that particular mystery solved yet.
The sound of the front door opening put an end to any conversation. A moment later, his brothers and their wives started pouring into the living room.