by Curd, Megan
It was as though I was almost human.
The surge of happiness that exploded through me was uncontainable. I probably wore the dumbest grin anyone could ever have. When I looked at Hannah, she seemed to be grinning pretty wide as well. She came and hugged me, then handed me my hoodie. “You okay now?”
“Yeah, I am.”
We smiled at one another for a moment, then she took my hand and pulled me toward her bed. “Will you stay with me tonight? I don’t want to be alone.”
“I can do that, but no funny business. I’m from another lifetime where there was chivalry and what not. If I hear your parents coming, I’m going MIA. Deal?”
She smiled. “Deal.”
She laid her head on her pillow, then sat back up. “One more thing?”
“Whatever you want. I’m your Guardian, remember?”
“Can I sleep in your wings tonight?”
The request made me smile. I set the hoodie on the rolling chair at her desk, then nodded. “I can do that.”
I unfurled my wings and she gasped appreciatively. “I can’t believe how much they’ve changed in less than a week. When I first saw them, they were black as coal. Now they’re silvery white,” She puckered her lips in concentration for a moment, then continued on. “This look suits you better, I think.”
“Don’t think too hard, don’t want to lose too many brain cells.”
She laughed. “I almost died. I think any brain cells I have left will make it through the long haul.”
We settled into her bed and I wrapped her in my arms, then covered us both in my wings. She sighed in contentment. At least, I think that’s what it was.
She pulled me out of my rabbit trail of thoughts. “I have a serious question for you.”
“Shoot.”
“Why did you end up having to be, you know, down there in the first place?”
I didn’t act like I didn’t know what she was talking about. It was obvious she was trying really hard to stay in a neutral tone, and I could understand the curiosity. We’d danced around the topic since she first laid eyes on me last week. If I wanted to be with her – however I could be with her – she’d have to know the truth eventually. “I don’t think you want to know that, Hannah.”
“Yeah, I do. Whatever you did, it’s in the past. You’re a Guardian now. Obviously someone thought you had earned the right to, you know, move up a notch or whatever.”
“It’ll change how you look at me.”
“No it won’t, I promise.”
She was impossible to deter when she made up her mind. Of course, I knew this long before I’d interacted with her, but it seemed even more impossible to deny her what she wanted now that I knew her. Girls. They were strange creatures. “Are you sure you really want to know? Knowledge is dangerous. Humans have proven this over and over again.”
“I’m sure. Please, I don’t want to have secrets with you. Don’t I have to trust you?”
I sighed. She had a point, but I knew she’d change her mind once I told her what happened in my past. I sucked in a long breath. It filled my lungs in a fulfilling way, which was something new to me. I took one more to settle the nerves I hadn’t felt in so long. Gosh, it was starting to seem like emotions might not always be great. My poker face sucked now that I had to control more than angry feelings.
Hannah rubbed her hand against my chest impatiently. “It couldn’t have been that bad if they allowed you a chance to become a Guardian.”
Her blind acceptance of my dark past frustrated me. “That’s where you’re wrong, Hannah. I don’t know why they even allowed me to be a Guard. They remind me of that all the time.”
“Why do you say that?”
“Because I killed someone, Hannah. I murdered a person when I was alive.”
SEVENTEEN
I had been counting on the instant recoil. Turns out I was completely off in the assumption. I had already begun to withdraw my wings before she grabbed my arms. “Where are you going?”
“I didn’t think you would want to be snuggling up to a murderer.”
She skittered to the other side of the bed in a tangled crab walk. If the situation hadn’t been so serious, I might have laughed. She looked at me seriously. “You killed them on purpose?”
“On purpose.”
By this point she was in the doorway of her bathroom, clutching onto either side of the doorframe for support. “What in the world would make you do such a thing? That’s horrible!”
There was no rational thought for why I did it, but I slammed my fist against the nightstand beside the bed. “Don’t you think I know that? Don’t you think I’ve had to deal with the regret and pain of that for my entire existence? I see it every day, it plays out in my mind. But the worst part of it is this: I wouldn’t change it, I don’t think.”
Hannah gasped in shock. “You…you’re my Guardian now…and you don’t regret murdering someone? Isn’t that against the rules? What if you get mad and kill me?”
“Hannah, why would I do that? I have done nothing but break rules to keep you alive!”
“Yeah, and you broke rules to take a life! Is it really that different?”
We stood five feet apart, both of us scared to come any closer to the other. The fear was evident in her eyes, her smell, the way she was shaking. I wondered if she could tell how frustrated I was, or if my poker face was intact. Man, I hope I looked neutral. “Hannah, I can explain.”
Now that it was out there, her tone changed. It wasn’t hateful, it was just sad. She looked at me with eyes that seemed much older than sixteen. “Isn’t that like Guardian one-oh-one or something? Repenting of bad things you’ve done in the past? I don’t understand how you don’t regret killing someone. I want to understand, but I can’t.”
“Will you just let me finish?”
She sucked on her bottom lip, deliberating. After a moment she sighed. It looked like she was torn. I felt so bad to cause her this frustration. “I think you should go, Levi.”
“No, Hannah, you said you’d understand. If you’d just let me explain what exactly happened –”
She held up her hand and I stopped instinctively. How she held such sway over me, I had no clue. She shook her head. It seemed like she wanted me to stay, but felt bad for it. At least, that’s what my instinct was telling me. “Just leave, please. I know you’re my Guardian and all, and I’m thankful you are, but just… go. It’s not permanent; I just need tonight to wrap my head around it. Do you think that’s okay?”
“You can’t just push me away after everything that’s happened.”
“You saved me. I owe you my life. But Levi, I need to come to terms with this. You killed someone in cold blood, and don’t even feel bad for it. I promise I’m not going to ignore you or anything; you’re too good of a person for me to do that. I know you won’t hurt me or anyone else. I just need to digest this.”
The pain I felt now was nothing like I had ever felt. She was rejecting me. After everything that had happened, all of the emotions she had stirred up inside of me, she was telling me to leave. “Don’t you care about me?”
She stood silent for a moment, then walked the distance between us and wrapped her arms around me. I embraced her happily, thinking she had realized she cared. When she pulled away, tears fell down her cheeks. “I need to trust you, Levi. Why are you changed now? What makes you any different from the person you were when you took a life?”
“Easy. You.”
Her bottom lip was wedged between her teeth; she was biting back tears from the look of it. I reached out to touch her, and she stopped my hand. “I need to know the details, but I can’t do it tonight. You understand that, right? The past twenty-four hours have been a little bit more than what I’d expected them to be.”
I sighed in relief. So she didn’t hate me, she just needed to let things sink in. That seemed fair, even if I didn’t like it. “Sure. That makes sense. I’ll come over tomorrow before school and we can drive together. Ethan
brought the car back and now we’re ‘borrowing’ it until the owner calls it in missing.”
She scowled at me. “You can’t do those kinds of things anymore, Levi. You’re on the good side.”
She was right. I was on the good side now, but it just didn’t feel like it could be true. Not yet, anyway. My wings were still a little grey. I could still toe the line until I was completely transitioned, right? After all, I was literally in a grey area myself. Not a member of either side, just stuck somewhere in the middle. She sighed and continued on through the silence. “Levi, I’ll let you know when I’m ready. I can get to school myself.”
“You don’t want me around,” I said dully.
“It’s not that.”
“Then what is it, Hannah? I’m not stupid. Don’t drag me along. Either I’m just your Guard, Guardian, whatever the heck I am, or you want me to be more.”
“You aren’t even alive. How can we be more? What is there for us? Please, tell me.”
I wouldn’t let her see how much she’d hurt me. There was no way she would ever know. I clenched my teeth together and stood straight, forcing the heat I felt in my eyes to go away. There would be no tears for this human. That was all she was, after all, a human. “Fine. I’ll be your Guardian, but only that. Just know I’ll take care of you.”
She nodded and swallowed hard. “Goodbye, Levi.”
“No, not goodbye,” I amended, sincerely hoping she would agree at some point. “Just I’ll see you later.”
I walked to the window and took a step out and into the air without expanding my wings. I wanted to fall, and I wanted to feel the pain. It was something I could understand. The ground came quickly, but unfortunately for me, my reflexes wouldn’t allow for any misjudgment on how to land. It was a silent, perfect landing, with no pain at all.
Before I had even walked two steps, I heard Hannah stifle a sob, then the window snapped shut.
There would be no crawling through that window again. The hurt in my chest was like a knife. I almost resented Ethan. At least he didn’t have to feel this.
“Human rip your heart out?”
There he was, standing against a willow on the tree line. Ethan. I swallowed and shook my head. “No, she’s just a human.”
“You’ve found your emotional side. Want a box of Kleenex and some rocky road ice cream?” Ethan sneered.
“No, you idiot. I’m fine. Give it a rest.”
“Wish you would have let her die now?”
The thought hadn’t occurred to me until then, but as soon as the thought entered my mind, the pain doubled by thinking of Hannah being gone completely. Why were the Fallen so intent on Hannah and Angie? It didn’t make sense. “No. Her time hasn’t come. The Fallen are wrong. There’s something going on with them.”
Ethan shook his head. “Now you’re just reaching. You know we exist just to protect the humans until it’s their time. The Fallen don’t do anything but corrupt humans and try to ruin their dreams. They don’t kill them.”
“Then why were they so bent on Angie and Hannah, huh? Why those two?” I spat. “The one Fallen said Hannah was changing the balance. The balance of what?”
“Good and evil, of course,” Ethan said lazily. “There has to be a balance. Otherwise if there were too many good people, Ghandi wouldn’t look as good and Hitler wouldn’t look as bad. Balance, my friend, balance.”
“And you think the world doesn’t need more good people in it?”
Ethan laughed, but it was more of a snicker. “You, my friend, make the good people quota go over by at least three people, if not more. Your nice streak is making me nauseous. No wonder Hannah and Angie had to go, and no wonder you got to be a Guardian. You make Mother Teresa look selfish.”
I ignored his comment. The feeling in my gut made me feel like I was on to something. “What if the Fallen are trying to tip the scales in their favor?”
“You know they can’t do that. They’re put in their place by Guardians such as yourself.”
I shook my head. “Ethan, will you shut up about that? I didn’t wake up today and decide, ‘hmm, let’s piss off my best friend by becoming a Guardian.’”
“I’m not pissed off!” He argued, “I just think it’s a crock that you break all the rules, but get the rewards. Here I was trying to be all good and I’m still two steps away from being a Fallen myself.”
“Look, we’re on the same team here. Listen to me. Why would the Fallen come after two girls specifically if there was an imbalance issue? Wouldn’t they just go after the nearest people? Why continue to hunt the same two?”
Ethan was silent. That meant I had actually given him something to chew on that he couldn’t just spit back at me. He nodded. “You might be on to something, but I’m not saying for sure. What do you propose we do about it, hypothetically of course, if there were something going on?”
“I would suggest that we, hypothetically of course, fix the situation in a timely manner and keep our Calls alive.”
Ethan rolled his eyes. “Always the thing with keeping our Calls alive. That’d be so much easier for me if I didn’t want mine dead.”
“Angie is fine, you’re just incapable of being nice, and she’s incapable of tolerating idiots. Maybe you’re good for each other,” I argued. “Just see what you can find out. I know you’re buddies with some of the tamer Fallens. I’ll talk to Reina and see what she thinks. Can you control yourself for that long?”
“The better question is what are you going to do with your time now that Hannah doesn’t want to see you? In the past week you’ve grown attached to her, and for the past twenty-four hours you were inseparable. That doesn’t just go away for us. Humans forget, but we don’t. Not easily, anyway. You already know that, of course.”
I shrugged. “There’s nothing to forget. She’s a human.”
Ethan nodded knowingly, but didn’t argue. “That she is. You’d do better if you’d remember it. Are you over playing school?”
“Why would I do that? I enjoy learning.”
“You enjoy getting whatever is left of your heart put through a blender, more like it.”
“Shut up, Ethan, and go find out what’s going on. Use your devilish charm if need be.”
He smiled. “You know, no matter what side you’re on, I think I’ll like you. That’s even if I get told I have to destroy you for all your goodie-two-shoeing around. I’d probably even think twice about it.”
I shook my head. “Thanks, I think.”
He winked and unfurled his jet-black wings. They shimmered in the light as he prepared to take off. “Anytime, brother, anytime.”
* * *
I must have sat in that tree all night trying to figure out what I could have said differently to make things better between Hannah and I. There were a couple points during the night that I almost burst through the window and explained everything to her, regardless of what she’d told me to do. But how could I tell her all of my past? It was dark. That wasn’t who I was now, but when people hear the background of someone, they make judgments. Mine wouldn’t be good. All that was left was to stare at the mess I’d made of things and hope that Hannah wouldn’t take back her heart. For a moment, I’d almost thought it was mine.
The sky was turning teal and purple as the sun threatened to make its appearance for the day. I felt the dew running along my bare arms and remembered I’d laid my hoodie on the chair at her desk. No way I’d get it now. It was probably better to just wait until she went to school, sneak in, and grab it. No need to interact, no need to get the knife shoved deeper in my unbeating heart, as Hannah had so quickly pointed out.
If I were dead, why did I feel so alive? This was so much more than anything I’d ever felt even during the time I was technically alive. Hannah had set me on fire. She was forbidden, but that wouldn’t stop me. Not now.
“Dude, quit pining. She’ll come around.”
“Good morning, Ethan,” I said without even looking down to the ground. Instead I continued
to stare at the rising sun, which caused my eyes to water from the pain.
We remained silent for a few minutes, before he broke the silence. “Wish I could cry.”
“No, you don’t.”
Ethan sighed and instantly was beside me on the branch. “Actually, having a little feeling other than hatred and sarcasm might be a healthy change for me. Unfortunately your moral, emotional streak has made me reconsider my ungentlemanly ways. Call it a post-life crisis, if you will.”
“Whatever you say, Ethan.”
“I’m going to seriously protect Angie, and I’m going to be nice to her. I was thinking I might even get to know her, you know, to see if what happened to you would happen to me.”
That brought me up short. “Ethan, don’t do it.”
“Why not? You seem pretty content to feel the warmth of someone caring about you.”
“Do you not see where we are? We’re sitting in a freaking tree outside of a human girl’s house. We’re sitting here not because it’s our duty, but because she’s somehow torn me apart inside. I feel everything now. I thought I wanted to feel it all, but it hurts. No wonder humans don’t want to know when they’re dying. Did you know when you were going to die, or did you wake up that day thinking it was the first day of the rest of your life? That you had endless possibilities? When you don’t know, you can hope. Knowing everything we do and having to feel the pain of humans on top of it, it sucks. It’s like the worst of both worlds. I wouldn’t want to know if I was going to die. What do you do with that information, anyway? Does any of this sound remotely appealing to you?”
Ethan pursed his lips for a second before responding. He almost looked like he was really taking in what I’d said. Then he talked, and ruined it. “Well, not particularly, but at least it’d be a different form of torture than the usual. Plus, I’m starting to question my svelte-ness. If humans are picking you over me, obviously I need to find a few manners. Humans are lowering their standards, apparently.”