by Curd, Megan
“I might take you up on the lessons if you’re offering.”
He chuckled, looking up into the night sky. “I’ll wait to offer until after homecoming.”
“Where’s Ethan tonight?”
“Chasing after Angie, of course. That boy does have a good heart in there.”
Ethan’s heart had never been in question for me, it’s just I’d decided he’d packed it away a long time ago. Hearing someone talk about him like he might be capable of compassion was strange. I just nodded.
Clay looked at me sideways. “What, you thought you were the only one Hannah affected? Ethan’s changed quite a bit since he met her too, I’d say.”
I didn’t know how I felt about that. A sudden possessiveness washed over me. “Hannah’s my Call.”
“I know that,” Clay agreed, “I’m just saying, her purity doesn’t just affect you. I’d be curious to see what happened if she touched him.”
The conversation was going somewhere I just didn’t have the energy to go, so I stood up and began to walk away. Clay stood with me, determined to not leave me alone. “Levi, you need to take care of her like a Call. If more is meant to be, it will be. Just get through this week and see what happens on Saturday. It’s only three days away.”
“Yeah.”
“Ethan is capable of being good. Encourage him like you used to.”
“Sure.”
“Quit acting like a hormonal teen. You don’t have hormones, you’re dead,” teased Clay.
I whirled around to face him. “Do you not think I’m aware of that? Do you not think I know Hannah would have been better off with a human like Justin every day? What if I hadn’t interfered? These are things I think about all the time.”
“Then you would still be a hardened Guard, debating your place in the world. You wouldn’t have uncovered the twisted desires of the Fallen and you wouldn’t have pushed Ethan to question his motives as a Guard,” Clay said quietly. “You’ve changed the course of many things by saving her, Levi. Don’t question your motives. Your intentions are pure. You wouldn’t have transitioned if they weren’t.”
That wasn’t exactly what I had been expecting to hear. I just nodded, but then the frustration of the day got to me. “I don’t want to go to her school and see her near that guy.”
“Then don’t,” Clay said simply. “Take the rest of the week off. See how Saturday goes, like I said before.”
It was solid advice from the only solid person I seemed to have. He lifted his head to the sky. “Get out of here. I’ll watch Hannah like my own. You need a break.”
He didn’t need to tell me twice. In a flash I was gone. There was no drive to go anywhere in particular, just the drive to get away from here.
I didn’t realize where I’d gone until her grave was in front of me. Dropping to my knees in the little cemetery outside Rochester, New York, praying hands were etched above my mother’s name. Anna Elizabeth Fields, Loving Wife & Mother. The words ate at whatever was left of my soul.
Tears dropped from my eyes. In astonishment, I touched the wet places on the cement. How could I cry? How was that possible? It was physically impossible. I had no working heart, lungs, anything. What I could sense and feel was only what I was permitted. Was I permitted to cry? It’d never happened before now.
I kneeled there in silence, tears flowing. My fingers traced the carved stone, and I felt the cool grooves in the marble. Dirt and grime came away on my fingertips. I hadn’t visited Mom’s gravesite in a long time. I felt like such a failure. I failed my mom. I failed my Call. A solitary tear fell and splashed on the base of the tombstone.
This was not where I imagined myself ending up. Here I was, a Guard transitioning, and I was crying. Guys weren’t supposed to cry. Guards really weren’t supposed to cry. This wasn’t what I was supposed to be doing. Nothing but sorrow filled me. “I’m so sorry, Mom. This wasn’t what I meant to happen.”
How could I make up for all the wrong in my life? Was Hannah my chance for redemption? It seemed more and more that way. But how could I continually keep her safe? Humans weren’t meant to last forever. Who was I to fight with fate and keep her here longer?
All the questions I had kept bottled up came out in a rush as I spoke to the praying hands on my mother’s tombstone. There was no way to know how long I’d been there, but when the sun began to rise for a second time, I knew it was time to get back to Hannah. It was Thursday now. I’d ignored my duties long enough.
I needed to be the Guardian that I was transitioning into and keep Hannah safe. That was my job. I was breaking the rules by even entertaining thoughts of being with her. We were worlds apart. It was unfair to think she’d want me. It was time to accept my role as her Guardian. I was better off alone. I wasn’t the one for her.
Sighing, I stood and kissed the top of Mom’s grave. “I love you,” I whispered as I ran my fingers along the top of the tombstone once more before taking off. It was time to take care of business. Owen needed to be stopped before he could cause more harm. Once he was out of the picture, I’d return to being just a flicker of cloud over Hannah’s shoulder on a sunny day. I’d let her live her human life, however long it would be with danger out of the way.
It’s what she deserved, and it’s what I was called to do.
Clay didn’t question me when I returned Thursday afternoon. He simply put an envelope in my hands. “You’ve got mail,” he said, “You good for a while so I can check in with Ethan?”
“Yeah, I’m good.”
He smiled and took off, leaving me alone on Hannah’s roof with the envelope. Where’d it come from? I turned it over and opened it.
Levi, Hannah had written in her perfect cursive, I’m really sorry about what happened. Please don’t stay away. I miss you. The window is open whenever you want to come back.
What the heck was I supposed to do with that? She was the one who didn’t want to go to homecoming with me. I did notice she didn’t say she’d called off her date with Justin, though. Obviously she wasn’t too torn up.
It was hard to turn off the desire to go the short distance to her window. The window is open, she’d written. I peeked over the edge of the roof to see the sheer, cream-colored curtains swaying gently in the breeze. It was October. That couldn’t make her room warm.
I sat with my legs dangling off the rooftop as I thought about the situation. Hadn’t I just decided she was better off without me? The sun set with me sitting like a stone figure rooted to the spot. Clay was still gone, no doubt trying to keep Angie out of trouble. It seemed like between keeping Hannah alive and keeping everyone around Angie alive, we had our hands full. It all came back to the Fallen and the twisted rules they followed. It wasn’t even their fault when it came down to it; they were simply following orders. The one in charge kept a tight leash on them… and on the Guards. I used to be one of them. Ethan still was. Just thinking about it made a fire lick my insides that I hadn’t felt before.
When the stars came out in full force, I looked down to Hannah’s window once more. The blinds still danced in the light breeze. She must be asleep by now. I chanced it and hopped down to her ledge.
Sure enough, she was sleeping. Every few minutes she would shiver. I felt bad it was because of me. All of it seemed to be my fault. I mean, Owen wouldn’t be trying to ruin everything in her life if I hadn’t kept her alive. How long would her parents mourn if she were gone? How long would I mourn? I had all of eternity.
Without thinking, I took off my hoodie and placed it over her, leaving me shirtless. It didn’t matter. I didn’t feel the cold like she did. The wind blew harder, daring me to question its ability to make me feel.
I would never let Hannah know how cold I felt inside without her.
TWENTY-NINE
I left before Hannah woke up, and watched her from afar on Friday. She’d gone with her mom to the mall and bought a dress, but I didn’t look at it. She carried it up to her room in a big, white plastic bag and tucked it safely in h
er closet. It sucked I wouldn’t get to look at her when she came down those stairs on Saturday night. Stupid human guy.
“Dude, you have a hotter date. Quit pining,” Ethan said Friday evening when he caught me sitting at the edge of the driveway, watching from a distance once more.
“Shut up, Ethan.”
“Your comebacks have taken a spectacular nosedive since you got all hot and bothered by the human. I’m pretty sure she’s sucking your brain cells.”
“That’s rich coming from you, since you spend most of your time chasing around a Hunter to prevent her from killing people.”
Ethan shrugged. “I do what I can. It’s a civil service, keeping all these humans alive. I could just let Angie do what she was designed to do, but oh no, I’m taking my time to keep her from becoming a soul-sucking murderer. I should get an award.”
“Yeah, watching her like you were supposed to do when she was human and expecting an award is par for the course for you,” I commented lamely, turning Hannah’s note over for what felt like the thousandth time.
He flicked the back of the note as he stood up. “Superhero syndrome, that’s all I’m saying. If I make it through tomorrow without killing you or Angie, I expect an award. That’s the truth.”
“Get lost, Ethan.”
“No can do, Levi. We’re damned together. Well, I’m damned and who knows what you are. Either way, we’re stuck together. Ain’t it lovely?” he smiled innocently and clapped me on the back. “I enjoy having the ability to annoy someone. Angie’s gone, so until someone better comes along, looks like it’ll be you.”
“I’m honored.”
Ethan nodded his head and shoved his hands in the pockets of his jeans. They were so old, I could see the actual pocket through a frayed hole in the side. Ethan was wearing busted jeans long before humans thought it was stylish. His grin was crooked and his hair flopped in his eyes. “You should be. I only share such love with the finer people gracing this earth.”
I rolled my eyes and got up. “You’re making me have to move.”
“That was the goal. Go talk to Hannah.”
“Go keep Angie from massacring the town.”
Ethan saluted me, then winked. “Good advice. Follow mine, too. Every once in a while I’m reliable.”
I sighed. Why was it that when I decided to avoid her at all costs, everyone suddenly encouraged me to get involved? It was like reverse psychology. Annoying.
Clay just smiled at me when I sat by him on the roof instead of taking Ethan’s advice and talking to Hannah. “Love sucks, doesn’t it?”
“Something like that.”
“Just go talk to her.”
“She’s better off without me.”
He shook his head side to side as he contemplated my comment, his lips pursed in what I assumed was deep thought. “Yes, and no. You’ve given her almost two weeks of life she otherwise wouldn’t have. You’ve opened her eyes. She’s opened yours. I’d say the trade off is pretty good. Don’t give up on something you’ve worked this hard for.”
I shrugged. “I should just guard her and be done.”
“You could, but you’ll never be satisfied again. Trust me, I know that.”
“Are you saying –”
He smiled sagely. “I might be, but I can’t discuss things like that. It could get me in trouble,” he winked. “Just don’t let it go if you don’t want to. The pain of giving up love when you don’t have to is something that isn’t easily repaired. The wound may heal, but the scar lingers.”
I chewed on the side of my cheek and nodded. He smiled once more. “I say steal her from her date tomorrow night. Reina won’t care – that much,” he added quickly.
“That much,” I agreed. “Maybe I’ll try.”
“You should,” he laughed. “Think of it as one final stand before resigning yourself to the life of a distant Guardian.”
He clapped me on the back and walked to the edge of the roof, his wings expanding gracefully from his back. He looked over his shoulder at me. “Remind me to tell you my whole story sometime. You’d get a kick out of it.”
I smiled. “Will do, boss.”
He winked. “Go get your girl.”
Before I could say anything more, he burst into flight. A solitary white feather dropped to Hannah’s windowsill below.
I wished it were mine.
THIRTY
The next afternoon I went to pick up Reina. She answered her door before I’d even knocked, completely dressed. I couldn’t lie; she looked like a supermodel. Every guy at the dance was going to be a drooling mess over her. Maybe it’d make it less annoying for her when I ditched her if she had seven others on the hook.
She smiled and twirled in the entryway. Her clingy, white dress caught the sunlight, and dozens of sparkles glinted off the sequins along the chest. “Admit it, I look good.”
I bowed slightly. “I didn’t know I was taking Ethan to the dance.”
“You know I look better than Ethan.”
I laughed darkly, unable to deny her that much. “You may, but your personality doesn’t.”
She laughed and took my hand to pull me into the house. “Don’t be such a poor sport. Just because you don’t have Hannah doesn’t mean you can’t have a good time. It’s better for you to keep your distance from the human, anyway. They’re too fragile. You should know that. I’m sure there’s a better option for you. You know, one that is more durable and will last longer. You should find someone in your league.”
I didn’t have a chance to argue, because the next thing I knew, she was dragging me up the stairs.
“Get dressed,” she barked, shoving me into a bedroom and closing the door behind her. She continued to talk through the door, her laughter reverberating off the walls and creeping under the door. It was impossible not to smile when she was this happy. She really wasn’t all that bad when given the opportunity to prove herself. “I’m not taking you looking like a vagabond. I know my materials are raw, but the tux I picked out will at least make you look respectable.”
“Thanks for the vote of confidence,” I murmured.
I heard her laugh as she walked away. Although she wasn’t my first choice of a date, I gave myself a pep talk and tried to convince myself that I would have a good time. It was my job to take care of Hannah. I knew Reina was right – I needed to find someone more durable to have a relationship with. Being with Hannah would only cause pain for both of us. I must just be a glutton for punishment.
Looking to the bed, I felt like was a dress up doll. The tuxedo looked like something out of a James Bond movie or something. She’d opted for all black. The jacket had a stand up collar and black satin piping down the front, with no buttons. The vest and shirt were black satin as well. The white tie was the only color in the ensemble. We’d be perfect opposites tonight.
I showered before putting the tux on, then gelled my hair in the bathroom attached to the bedroom. Once I was cleaned up and had the tux on, I looked at myself in the mirror. The gaunt, frustrated Levi had disappeared with a good shower. Now I looked respectable, and much closer to what I looked like before all this madness began. Hannah might not even recognize me. It surprised me how much that random thought bothered me. At least Reina would be happy with the results. That is, until I left her stood up on the dance floor at some point tonight.
She was going to kill me when I ditched her. My only hope for survival was that she might not want to mess up the tux.
I walked downstairs and found her waiting for me by the banister. She looked me up and down like a piece of artwork; she was the artist, and she was examining her final product. She grinned devilishly. “You clean up nicely. I would have never imagined you could look so debonair.”
“Thanks, I think.”
She held her hand out expectantly. “Ready?”
I rolled my eyes. “Aren’t I supposed to do the leading?”
“I wasn’t sure if you knew the mechanics of these things.”
Sh
e was such a trip. “I know enough to be a gentleman, Reina.”
A flash of metal was tossed in the air, and I caught it. The keys to her convertible. Her white smile lit up the room. She really was breathtaking tonight. Of course I’d never tell her that. She traced a line down my chest with one perfectly manicured finger before smiling up at me once more. “Then lead the way, Romeo.”
We left and headed out to meet Ethan at a local Italian restaurant. He was going stag after he came to the conclusion that no human girl was worth his full attention for a whole night. I thought it was probably more likely that no girl – human or not – would want to put up with him for that long.
Out of the corner of my eye, I caught Reina staring at me. Her expression was unreadable, but I could never really hope to figure girls out, anyway. She looked amused. “What are you thinking?”
I shrugged, not taking my eyes off the road. “I dunno.”
She rolled her eyes. “You’re thinking about Hannah, aren’t you?”
There was no part of me that wanted to talk about Hannah with Reina, so I denied it. “Not really, no. Just trying to figure out how I’m going to keep the guys from attacking you,” I lied.
It seemed to placate her. She smiled self-indulgently, apparently pleased at my somewhat admission of her beauty. “I’ll stick with you, don’t worry. Humans aren’t my thing.”
Thankfully, I was spared having to make more small talk with her. We pulled into the parking lot and I found Ethan’s back leaned against a big, black Harley. Where he had come up with the motorcycle, I didn’t know, but there were more pressing things I needed to find out.
Like who the girl in the slinky red dress leaning against him was.
“Looks like Ethan managed to convince someone to come with him,” Reina observed. “Do you know her?”
“Not that I’m aware of,” I admitted.