Xavier forced himself to drop it and enjoy himself. Helena grew less and less pale throughout the meal, restoring his faith in her well-being. By the time they dropped his sisters off at their hotel and headed for home, he had forgotten how dejected he’d felt that morning.
When they returned home, Helena collapsed on the couch, closing her eyes as Xavier tossed his briefcase onto the coffee table. They were scheduled to meet up with Brandy and Emily again the following evening for dinner, and he’d taken off the next day as well to show them around town.
He was sure that when he told her, Margaret would blow a mini-gasket, but Xavier hardly cared. This was about family. He would do anything for his sisters – and anything for Helena.
Sinking down onto the couch next to her, he wrapped his arms around the dark-skinned woman, pulling her close. Without a word, Helena buried her face in his chest, clinging to him almost frantically. Xavier was slightly surprised, as she would usually stave him off in favor of studying until they got ready to go to bed, but he certainly wasn’t complaining.
It was very seldom that Helena showed him her softer side – so seldom, in fact, that sometimes he forgot how delicate she could be when she was stretched thin. “You alright, hon?”
Her dark, curly head nodded into his chest wordlessly and Xavier kissed its peak, cradling her against him. “Do you need some ibuprofen? Meds? I can go get something for you.”
This time the head shook, almost frantically. “I’m fine.” Helena’s voice finally came, muffled, against his shirt. “Just…stay with me. Please.”
As if he could deny her that. Xavier felt the warmth of her breath falling against his neck, the press of her fingers into his shoulders, and relished her mere presence. He knew she wasn’t perfect. Hell, he himself was far from it. But, they accepted one another – as difficult as that sometimes was. Xavier knew he could be a nightmare in the weeks leading up to a new location opening, and Helena could literally drive him insane in the few nights before she took and exam.
But it was all worth it. For this.
She was the woman he loved – the woman he needed. And he’d be damned if he’d let anything tear them apart.
When they made love that night, there was a desperate kind of urgency in their ministrations. In all the years since Xavier had taught Helena how to enjoy sex – how to master it – she’d never been as wild as she was that night. Her passion – the heat of her mouth and the vigor of her body drove away any memory of how pale she’d been that day – and left only echoing, mind-numbing bliss.
When he finally fell asleep, it was with a smile on his lips. He had no way of knowing what difficulties the next day would bring, but if there was one thing he did know: It was that he could face anything as long as he had Helena beside him.
**
How the hell was she supposed to handle this?
Sitting at her desk in Dr. Forge’s office a week after her mentor’s fatal proclamation, Helena found herself with a spare moment. One she couldn’t fill with work, studying, or small talk with Miranda. Which meant she had to turn inwards and address her own thoughts for the first time in a long time – and she didn’t like the process very much.
She was pregnant. Pregnant with Xavier’s child. If the baby had been some accident – a result of a careless one night stand or interaction with an ex-boyfriend, there would be no question as to what she would do. Helena couldn’t afford to have a child right now. She had to finish medical school and live up to the legacy her father had left her. She had to make something of herself – to support the man she loved by being the very best that she could be.
Xavier deserved someone just as successful as himself, and that was certainly Helena’s aim. While she didn’t think she’d ever be able to make quite as much money, it wasn’t really about the money. It was about them being on equal terms – both successful in their chosen fields.
A child would ruin all of that.
Funnily enough, the battle waging inside Helena wasn’t because she didn’t want the child, per se. That wasn’t it. There was a part of her that would love to hold a warm, soft bundle of she and Xavier’s making. To watch it learn and grow – to see it interact with her lover and to feel its heart beating against her own.
But there was another, darker part of her that was very afraid. What kind of mother would she make? She could hardly keep herself together, let alone a child.
Taking a deep breath, Helena closed her eyes as she tried to blot out painful memories from her childhood. She, of all people, should know what it was like to have a mother that didn’t want you. She would never want to bring her child into anything remotely like what she had faced. Helena’s greatest and most prevalent fear was that she would end up like the woman who had raised her.
Which was why she couldn’t be a mother.
Ever.
The realization made tears rise to her eyes. She had just agreed to buy a house with Xavier knowing that he would want to fill it with children and hoping that one day she’d be able to come to terms with that ambition. Instead, she simply found herself falling short.
As always.
Reaching out absently, she fingered the prescription bottle Doctor Forge had provided her with. The medicine helped her morning sickness immensely, but the ultimate solution would be to get rid of the problem.
Even to Helena’s own consciousness, the solution sounded cruel and abrupt. Getting rid of her baby – of their baby.
But what other option did she really have? She was having enough trouble as it was keeping up appearances with Xavier as it was. She’d rather do it before he figured anything out and avoid his inevitable disappointment; even if she wouldn’t be able to escape her own self-loathing.
But, as she hadn’t been able to come to a solid decision yet, she was forced to grin and wear a façade of domestic bliss around her lover and his family. Under any other circumstances, Helena would be absolutely thrilled to see Brandy. Emily, Xavier’s youngest sister, was equally as darling, and almost reminded the young woman of herself at the same age.
But just now, everything was complicated – and pretending it wasn’t was taking its toll on her.
At that particular moment, both Susan and Miranda were out of the office for lunch, giving her the run of the space. Helena found herself grateful for the peace and quiet, even as she struggled to overcome the fears that made her stomach churn almost as badly as her morning sickness. She forced herself to start jotting down some of Susan’s afternoon appointments as she clicked through the computer looking for the appropriate paperwork.
God, she missed her father. He would know what to do.
While she was in the midst of organizing a few file folders, her phone buzzed in her pocket. Frowning, Helena withdrew it to see a text from Brandy scrolling across the screen.
Hey Helena! Sorry to bother you at work, but I figure you can use a break just as much as the next person. Probably more. ;) Xavier ditched me for tonight’s dinner. He has a meeting or something. Emily’s meeting with a friend in the area. How about dinner, just us girls?
Her first impulse was to refuse.
She didn’t know if she could pretend to be perfectly fine with Brandy for an entire evening on her own. She’d even started withdrawing from Xavier at home, with the excuse that she might be coming down with the flu – while she figured out precisely what to do.
But maybe…maybe a dinner with Brandy was just what she needed. If she could force herself to forget all her troubles for just one night…maybe tomorrow she’d be refreshed enough to decide to do about the child slowly but steadily growing within her. In the past few years, she’d grown very close with Brandy and found her to be one of the first real girlfriends she’d ever had.
She would try and take advantage of that tonight, she decided. Before she lost her gall, Helena texted back that she would meet Brandy later on that evening at one of her favorite restaurants. She was going to have a good time if it killed her – and she was g
oing to gain the clarity she needed to move on with her life.
When Helena mentioned to Xavier that she was going to meet with Brandy in his stead, he thanked her profusely, even insisting that she go out and get herself pampered for the occasion. His kindness made the young woman smile. Despite her fears about her own capacity as a parent, she could never doubt that Xavier would be a wonderful father. He was kind, caring and attentive. Even though she had never been the kind of woman to splurge on herself, Xavier splurged on her more than enough for the both of them.
Remembering the first time he’d ever taken the liberty of buying her something – a gorgeous white dress that still hung proudly in her closet- she smiled.
And she splurged.
When she got off work, Helena locked her fears in a mental closet at the back of her mind and made her way to a nearby spa for a facial, manicure, and pedicure. While she was receiving her complimentary massage, she imagined herself passing her surgical trials and receiving her MD in two years’ time. She knew that then, wherever her father was, he’d be exceedingly proud of her.
The dark-skinned woman made her way from the spa significantly more relaxed than when she’d entered it and hurried to make it to one of her favorite boutiques before it closed. While Helena had passed the shop several times on her way to and from work, she’d very seldom ventured inside. Now, with Xavier’s blessing, she quickly sifted through racks of breathtaking garments until she found a silken, goldenrod number that she’d been eyeing for weeks.
As was usually difficult for her, Helena ignored the hefty price tag as she purchased the garment before sheepishly asking if she could use the changing room to change into it. When she had somehow managed to tame her hair and switched to a pair of black heels, Helena teetered her way down the block and to her dinner spot.
Brandy was already waiting for her inside, and Helena managed a genuine grin as she apologized for being a few minutes late.
“You look stunning!” Brandy embraced her warmly before drawing back to take in the length of her. The blonde didn’t look shabby herself, clad in a blue sheath with her long, wavy locks pinned in a loose chignon. “Glad I could pull you away from your studies!”
“Well,” Helena shrugged as she took a seat beside the lawyer. “You were right. I needed a breather.” If only she knew how right. “Plus, you and I haven’t had any time to ourselves since you got here. I know you’re only going to be in town for another week.”
“Yeah.” Brandy’s expression turned forlorn. “Then it’s back to the daily grind. I mean, I’m sure I’ll be perfectly fine.” She picked up the menu to begin glancing over the entrees and wine list. “It’s Emily I’m worried about.”
Helena arched a brow. Emily seemed perfectly at ease and well-adjusted. Besides, she was twenty one years old and a master cellist. “What worries you, exactly?”
Brandy’s mouth turned downward into a frown. “Well…you have to know that she faces the same stressors I do…the environment that Xavier chose to walk away from. Out of all of us, Emily is the one still most under Mom and Dad’s thumb. It doesn’t matter how far they are away, she’s always obsessed with the idea of pleasing them…or else.”
Brandy’s face spoke volumes on exactly how she felt about that particular fact. Helena knew how the elder woman was constantly pressured by her parents. She was supposed to be a poised, successful socialite and dutiful daughter; and where Xavier had chosen to completely break from what his parents wanted, Brandy held a delicate line of keeping their approval and supporting her brother.
Now, Helena was learning, it seemed their younger sibling had been brainwashed in exactly the fashion the Thompsons wanted. “She’s afraid?” Helena ventured carefully.
“Not afraid.” Brandy sighed. “She accepts it as her lot. I’ve spent the last couple of years trying to discover if she actually likes playing the cello, or if she’s just throwing herself into it because that’s what Mom and Dad expect. I just…I want her to be happy.” Brandy’s eyes glittered with affection when she spoke of her younger sibling. “I hoped that showing her that Xavier’s doing well even without Mom and Dad might influence her to speak up if she’s discontent…but so far, she hasn’t mentioned that she’d being pigeon-holed. Then again…they might have told her not to talk to me before she came out here.” The blonde exhaled a long suffering sigh – one that Helena recognized all too well.
Xavier, too, had expressed to her his concerns that his youngest sister wasn’t pursuing her own dreams. Knowing how he and Brandy had been repressed, he seemed so certain that Emily was a secret victim as well, but neither he nor his sister had been able to prove it.
“Well, is there any possible way she could…actually be happy?” Helena found herself inquiring sheepishly. It wasn’t as if she didn’t believe Brandy – it was simply that she wanted desperately for someone to be happy. Someone who didn’t have to fight to be happy with themselves.
Brandy bit her lip, her expression hopeful. “I mean…there could be. We have to keep hopeful right? I’m sure my parents would at least like to have one compliant child.”
The joke drew a small smile from Helena. As far as she was concerned, Garret Thompson and his wife had a very special spot in hell reserved for them for the pressure they’d put on their only son. As much as she hoped the girl was happy, she also hoped Emily was the wild child that would secretly break them.
“Either way, we’ve got one week left, so we’ll have to see how things pan out.” Brandy gestured to the waiter, ordering them a bottle of white wine. The women had long agreed on their shared love for Moscato, and so the idea that a bottle was on the way helped Helena to further relax. “So, what’s going on with you?”
When fixed with Brandy’s bright blue eyes, Helena found herself swallowing thickly. What the hell was she supposed to say now? She’d convinced herself to have this lighthearted evening, but at the very first proper question Brandy asked her, she wanted to bolt.
“Well…I…I’m doing some surgical practices next week. I’ve been studying for them for a while so I suppose I’ll do well…and the move is going pretty well.” In fact, the move wasn’t going as well as she would have hoped because she was having reservations about the space and how they were going to fill it. “Um…I guess there’s not really a whole lot going on with me…just now.”
Jesus. She was lying to Brandy – a woman she’d come to think of as her best friend.
It wasn’t like she had a choice! What was she supposed to do! Just blurt out the fact that she’d been callous, thrown caution to the wind completely and gotten herself knocked up at the worst possible time in her entire life?
“How’s that flu doing?”
Helena swallowed thickly. Honestly, she might as well have the flu. Contemplating all the choices she was currently faced with was enough to make her physically ill. She forced a long-suffering grin. “I’m alright. Another week or so and I’ll probably be fine.”
That was the plan, anyway.
“That’s good to hear.” Brandy seemed genuinely relieved to hear that she was getting better, which didn’t help to assuage the sinking feeling in the pit of her stomach at all. “When you’re better, we can celebrate.”
The word made Helena arch a brow. Celebrate? “What will we be celebrating?” The waiter brought their wine to the table, showing them the label with flourish before popping the cork to pour them each a glass. Helena immediately grabbed for hers and made to down it like a lifeline – but before it touched her lips, she stopped.
Would the alcohol hurt the baby?
Not like she was supposed to care. She was getting rid of it, wasn’t she? Then why did she feel slightly sick when she gazed upon the Moscato she knew would help her soothe her troubles?
“Well,” Brandy gave her a secretive smile. “Hank and I have decided that we’re ready to start trying for a baby.”
Helena’s eyes widened as her mouth dropped open slightly. Even as shock lanced through her, she knew
she should be supportive. She should be excited and happy – congratulating her friend and helping her pick out baby names. Instead, all she could wonder was how on earth she would be able to do any of those things.
When Helena remained silent, Brandy only looked at her expectantly, her smile fading somewhat. “Helena? Are you alright?”
“I’m…fine.” The dark-skinned woman managed, trying to drum up the wherewithal to display the appropriate response. “I just…I’m surprised. That’s all.”
Brandy laughed lightly, her lips curving upwards comfortably one more. “You? Of all people? I feel like I’ve been drowning you for the past few years with all my talk of wanting a baby. I imagined you, of all people, would be the least surprised!”
That might have been the case –if she hadn’t been contemplating her own pregnancy.
Helena’s gaze centered on Brandy’s exuberant expression and she felt her stomach start to churn. This was all wrong. She should be jumping up and down right alongside her friend. Instead, she felt something dangerously close to envy beginning to well in her gut.
Brandy could afford to have a child. She was successful, as happy as could be expected with her parents as repressive as they were, and she was confident in the knowledge that she would be a good mother. And why wouldn’t she be? Watching Brandy with her younger sister was more than enough to see that she would dote lovingly on a child. She was kind, understanding, and just indulgent enough to make her younger sibling feel loved and appreciated.
Helena, on the other hand, hadn’t the slightest idea about what it would mean to be a dutiful mother. She had a glass of wine in her hand when she was pregnant, for God sakes!
All at once, it seemed as if the weight of the world was pressing down on her shoulders. The Zen that she’d been attempting to cultivate all evening began slowly leeching away and she felt panic and nausea beginning to take its place.
A Kiss of Color: A BWWM Interracial Pregnancy Romance (Book 2) Page 5