by C. D. Bell
“I bet you do,” Chayton said.
“And I’m running faster,” Nessa added.
“She’s on the cross-country team,” Bree explained.
“Yeah, and there’s this,” Nessa added. She took off her hat and the plaid flannel shirt. She still wore her gray tank top, but the white fur was everywhere.
Chay took her wrist and pinched the fur sprouting from it.
“Beautiful,” he said. Even though he had directed the comment to Selena, as if she were a horse he was examining, when Chayton smoothed the hairs back into place, the gesture did more to calm her than anything she’d felt in a long time.
He bent to examine her wrist more closely, and she noticed Chayton’s smoothed-back black hair looked clean and soft and smelled of musk and clean oils. The skin on his collarbone glowed in the dim room, and Nessa had the sudden urge to touch it.
Then Nessa’s necklace caught Chayton’s eye. “That’s quite a talisman you’re wearing,” he said.
Nessa reached for the wolf tooth, hiding it with her fingertips. “It’s just a necklace,” she said. “My sister made it.”
“Oh, it’s just a necklace?” he asked. He gestured to her body with an open hand. “And this is just a shape you happened to shift into?”
Nessa felt herself blushing again. She knew it wasn’t safe to feel this off balance. Screwing up her courage, she said, “Look. Selena said you can help me. Can you? ’Cause you don’t look like a shaman to me. You look too young.”
Chayton tucked his chin, looked down at Nessa through half-closed eyes. Then he did something with his shoulders, and somehow, she knew what this movement meant. It meant: So you want to play with the big boys, do you?
He suddenly shifted topic.
“You know that no one can know about this,” Chayton said, turning to Selena and then zeroing in on Bree, who looked scared. “Are you someone who can keep a secret?”
Bree raised herself up and nodded vigorously. From the look on her face, Nessa wondered what Chayton might have asked her that she wouldn’t have agreed to. He arched his back, and Nessa saw Bree staring at his chest as he strolled lazily across the room. “Selena,” he said, “I’d like to speak to…Nessa, is it?” He looked at Nessa. Nessa nodded. “Alone.”
Selena pulled Bree away. “We’ll be nearby. Just come get us when you’re done,” she said, before pulling the door shut.
Chayton sat down on the ancient couch. He gestured for Nessa to sit on the opposite end. Nessa sat.
“I’m twenty-three,” he said. “That old enough for you?”
Nessa nodded. “I didn’t mean—” she began.
“Forget it.” He grimaced in a way that made her suddenly wonder if she had actually hurt his feelings.
“Are you really a shaman?” she said.
“I don’t say shaman,” he said. “I practice Shamanism, but the title shaman—that’s not something you call yourself.” He reached for her hand and pulled it toward him. He held her forearm and wrist between both of his, and gently turned it over so her hand was palm up. Then he put two fingers from his opposite hand on her wrist, and asked, “Are you really a wolf?”
Nessa felt her throat go dry. Chayton was looking her directly in the eye, and she couldn’t keep her eyes locked on his. It was too intense.
“Maybe?” she said.
Chayton shook his head, like he should have known better than to trust her with a question of that magnitude. Keeping his finger on her wrist, he looked at his watch, counting in silence. It took Nessa a few beats to realize he was measuring her pulse. “Hmm,” he said, nodding. “May I see your tongue?”
“I’m not sick.”
“No,” he said. “You’re in perfect health. Except you’re turning into a wolf. Tongue.”
Nessa leaned forward, opened her mouth, and stuck out her tongue, feeling ridiculous as Chayton moved his head from one side to the other, examining it from different angles. Nessa wondered if he was doing this just to punish her. She still had the feeling he was angry.
“Something is wrong with me,” she said at last, though it came out garbled because her tongue was still extended.
Chayton made a gesture with his first finger, like he was reeling in fishing line. Nessa put her tongue back.
“Nothing is wrong with you,” Chayton said. “I wanted to see how your body is reacting to the change. Eastern medicine teaches us how much you can tell about a body from a pulse and examination of the tongue. You’re in good health, at least. Sometimes, those who are chosen reject the animal, but you are strong.” He paused. “Do you have experience with animals?”
Nessa nodded.
“I thought so.”
“You practice Eastern medicine, too?” Nessa ventured.
“Every culture learns in its own way, adapts, and discovers. You learn what the people need. Back to you, though. What were you doing out in the woods at night?” He sat back and crossed a foot over a knee, as if he were expecting her to give him the long answer.
“I was running. For cross-country practice. I’d tried to meet up with another girl on my team. One night, about a month ago. But I was late, so I was running alone, trying to catch up to her when I came upon a wolf in a trap. In the woods behind Joe Bent’s farm.”
Chayton leaned forward, like this was highly interesting. “The wolf who bit you was in a trap?”
“No, that was another wolf,” Nessa said.
“There were two wolves?” This seemed to strike him. “What did they each look like?”
Nessa took a deep breath. “The wolf in the trap was very big and had matted fur. Brown with white markings. He was frustrated and in obvious pain, but not violent. The wolf who bit me,” Nessa paused. “He was white. I didn’t get a good look at him but I keep seeing him. All the time. In my dreams.”
“You’ve been dreaming about the white wolf?” Chayton asked, as if this was the detail he found most relevant. “What color eyes does this wolf in your dreams have? Is it also oversized? And does it snarl at you?”
Nessa answered as best she could.
“The wolf’s eyes are dark. It’s bigger than other wolves in the pack. It hasn’t snarled at me, I don’t think,” Nessa rushed through the details.
“And you were bitten a month ago, at the last full moon. How long since the changes began?”
“About two weeks ago. The wound healed faster than the doctor expected.”
“What doctor?”
“Doctor Kalish,” Nessa said. “At the clinic.”
Chay looked truly concerned for the first time.
“At the clinic,” he repeated. “You got medical treatment there?”
“They took me there,” she said, almost apologetically. “I was unconscious after the bite. The last thing I remember is the big white wolf lunging toward me, and I woke up in the clinic. Joe Bent found me. But he didn’t see any wolves, not even the wolf in the trap.”
“What time of day is your hearing and running best?”
“Night,” Nessa said, although she hadn’t truly considered it before. She’d been so busy reacting to the incredible changes that she had not noticed some of the patterns he was calling out until now.
“And you dreamed the hair before it appeared?”
Nessa nodded.
“It fell off in the shower,” she told him. “The first two times. But now it seems permanent. Do you know? Is this permanent?”
“Were you running last night?” he asked instead of answering. “Have you been running at all by the moonlight during this full moon?”
“Um,” Nessa said. “I don’t really pay attention to the moon that much.” Nessa was getting overwhelmed. She could feel it. She was starting to wonder about Selena and Bree—to think maybe she should bring them back into the room. Or better yet, leave.
“The moon matters. You haven’t noticed it calling you?”
“I mean, yeah, maybe? I just…I don’t know. Do you think all of this could have been some kind of mistake?”
“A mistake?” Chayton said. And then he stopped asking questions and just looked at Nessa for a minute, a blank but calm expression on his face. “No, it’s not a mistake. I’d like to do some drumming. Do you mind?”
Nessa shrugged. She was losing patience. And she did mind. “I just want to get this fixed before my mom comes home.”
“Yeah,” Chayton said, as if this confirmed what he already suspected. “We’re going to have to get out the drum.”
But Chayton didn’t use an actual drum. He tapped out a rhythm on the table in front of them, instructed Nessa to match it, and then while she kept the main beat, he started to improvise.
Nessa was never the most musical of human beings, and she had to really focus on keeping her part of the beat steady, especially when Chayton was off on his little drumming tangents. As she did this, she wasn’t sure if it was something happening inside her head or in some objective space, but it was there, the beat, and she could feel her head nodding and her brain relaxing.
Nessa decided she liked the drumming.
And she didn’t feel like leaving anymore. She didn’t need to go get Selena. She didn’t need to get this wolf problem fixed. She didn’t need to worry about when her next training run should be and if she should stretch out her stride or go for interval training. She didn’t need to worry about anything. The way Chayton was looking at her, the rhythm that seemed to organize her mind—Nessa felt more relaxed than she had in days. This room wasn’t dark and nasty after all. It was a sanctuary.
Chayton stopped the drumming and put his hands over Nessa’s to let her know she could stop as well. She took a long, slow, deep breath.
“Do you notice that?” Chayton said. “The way you’re feeling now?”
Nessa nodded. “Did the drumming do that?” she asked.
“Yes, and now you’re going to be more relaxed, but don’t worry. You’re still in control. Just feeling content. I had to put you in this state because I’m flying a little blind here. I’ve never worked with someone like you before, and I need you to leave all your uptight personal material behind for a little bit.”
Nessa might have been offended but wasn’t.
He continued, “This is the state where you’re going to be able to understand the things I need to tell you.”
Nessa nodded, feeling happy and relaxed. She scooted closer to Chayton on the couch. “I think you’re very handsome,” she said. And as she said that, she had to wonder: Why hadn’t she said it before?
Chayton nodded indulgently. “We can talk more about that later.”
“But let’s not forget,” Nessa said.
For some reason, Chayton laughed softly.
“Am I being funny?” Nessa said. “I feel kind of funny.”
“No, you’re being perfect,” Chayton said. “Don’t worry about anything, just listen to me. You’re ready to listen, right?”
“I’m listening,” Nessa responded.
“Okay. Because this is important. This could save your life.”
Nessa nodded, more because she wanted Chayton to know she was following his instructions than because she felt any of the urgency he was expressing.
“The first thing you need to understand is that you have been chosen,” Chayton said simply. “You have been chosen by the wolves. They have called you to help.”
“Help with what?”
“That’s the question you need to figure out. They know something is not right in their world. In our world.”
“A wolf bit me,” Nessa said.
“A wolf chose you,” Chayton corrected her. He put a hand on her hip where the teeth had gone in, even though she hadn’t told him which hip had been bitten, or pointed out exactly where. “If the wolf had wanted to harm you, you would not be walking right now.”
“That was what Dr. Kalish said,” Nessa commented sleepily. “A wolf’s jaws could sever muscle and break bone.” She shivered lightly at the thought, though generally she couldn’t even go near it in her mind. Chayton got closer to her on the couch, fingered the tooth talisman. Nessa loved the feeling of having him this close to her.
“The wolf gave you this tooth,” Chay went on. “He gave you a part of himself. He is a part of you now. He has made it so you will run like him. You will smell, see, hear like him. You will assume his shape. But you must be careful. You do not want to disappoint the wolves. You must always bring your best self to them.”
“That sounds like a lot of pressure,” Nessa said.
“That’s why I’m explaining it slowly,” Chayton said. “I’m trying to put it into words you can understand. The first few transformations are important. The wolves don’t know who you are yet. They’re trying to figure out what kind of wolf you are. You won’t be able to tell what they’re thinking, but if you want to check in on how your wolf-personality is emerging, pay attention to the way people are seeing you when you’re in human form. You’re going to get attention, and it’s going to be different from any attention you’ve gotten before.”
Nessa thought of Cassian paying attention to her suddenly.
“Do you have a girlfriend?” Nessa asked and then before he could answer her question, she spoke exactly what came into her mind. “A guy like you? You probably have a girlfriend.”
Chayton shook his head again, smiling. “You’re going to remember what I’m telling you, okay? Because I’ve got a lot of stuff going down in my life, and I don’t have time to be babysitting a white girl.”
“For the record, I think you’re being a little bit racist.”
Chayton cocked his head, pulled back. “Me, racist? That’s where you want to go right now? Let’s get back to the part where I talk and you listen.”
Nessa nodded. “Gotcha,” she said. “Lay it on me.”
“So one, be good. There’s a reason the wolves chose you. Be pure of intention. Let the wolves see you. You got that?”
“Yup.”
“You need to pay attention to the moon,” he said. “Eventually you’ll get yourself under control and you will shift when you’re ready. You’ll learn not to always shift with the moon, though that’s harder. For now, you’re going to be pretty powerless around the moon. The full moon. And the new moon.”
“I thought people—” Even in the state Chayton had brought her to, Nessa had a hard time saying the word “werewolf.” “I thought people who changed into wolves had to be locked up at the full moon and stuff. I thought they were…monsters.”
“Yeah, maybe in Victorian London. But the Victorians were the ones who brought us the straightjacket as a treatment for depression, and decided eugenics was a science. Here in the United States, they ripped an entire generation of my people’s kids away from their families and sent them to boarding schools where they were systematically stripped of all connection to their native culture.”
“Wow, the Victorians sucked.”
Nessa saw that grimace again—that flash of Chayton looking for one second like he was not completely in control of his feelings. He took a breath, repeated the drumming rhythm on the table. “Keep in mind,” he continued, “that at the new moon and the full moon, you’re going to have a six-hour window where you can pretty much count on transforming into a wolf at some point. You cannot fight it. Not that you’ll be able to, but keep a few things in mind. It’s easier to shift shape in the dark. It’s easier to change when you’re alone. At first, these are probably requirements for you to get anything to happen.”
“So no matter what, at the new moon and the full moon, I’m going to look like…this?”
“No,” Chayton said. “This is nothing. This was your first full moon, right? Wait until the new moon. Know the date and time it’s coming. Don’t make plans. Or make plans to be alone.”
“So what is this, then?”
“It’s the equivalent of peach fuzz. Right now you’re half in and half out. When we’re done here today, it’ll be gone. When you shift, Nessa, you’re not going to be half-man—or woman, or whatever
—and half-wolf. That’s just some crazy way people tell the stories. You’re going to be a wolf. You have to be ready. You have to know that it’s coming. And you’ll have to get yourself out of it.”
“How?”
“You’ll know, and be sure not to fight it, no matter how great it feels. Because if you stay in wolf form too long, you’ll get stuck.”
“Stuck?”
“Yes.” He paused again, thoughtful. “And something else. You’re going to want to tell people about this, but you can’t. You have Selena. You can trust her. And your friend, she’s fine, she’s not going to tell. But no one else. Even your close family must not know.”
“Not my mother?”
“Look,” Chayton said. “She could tell a friend. Then she tells a friend. You’d end up the subject of some medical research project. Trust me. You don’t want that. But you knew that already, right? That’s why you’ve kept it to yourself so far?”
Nessa realized she did know. She’d already kept it a secret from her mother. She knew she couldn’t tell Delphine or Nate.
“You know a lot more than you realize. I want you to pay attention to that feeling of knowing. This is the form of knowing that comes from your heart.” He put his hand high up on her chest, over her heart. Nessa could feel it beating into his palm. Then he moved his hand to her forehead, cupping her temple. “You will resist that form of knowing. You will try to know this with your head. But that is not animal thinking. An animal sees first with its heart.”
Nessa nodded. But she could feel the fear creeping in at the edges of her thinking.
“I’m scaring you,” Chayton went on, his tone matter of fact. “Don’t be scared.” And suddenly, again, Nessa wasn’t. Chayton continued talking, each word out of his mouth pushing the fear farther away from her mind. “What’s happened to you is a good thing. It’s natural. Everyone has an animal inside. Most people spend their whole lives pretending that animal—pretending their soul, really—isn’t there.” Chayton waved his hand in the direction of the room’s one window, blocked off by a shade, indicating the world outside. “Most people fight the natural process of our bodies seeking wholeness. It is the culture to fight it, but it is unnatural and destructive. Your animal is there. It connects you to the earth. It reminds us that we’re part of a system that is larger than our minds can know. Welcome your animal, okay? Make friends with it.”