“Exhale,” the voice said, or a word to that effect.
I did. Fabric resettled on my chest.
A latex-gloved hand touched mine. I almost-passably-automatically looked down and the little scene came into focus: It was handing me a Tyvek cup half-empty of water, with a single prolate ellipsoid of ice floating in it like a ghost’s turd. Evidently I was closer to vertical than I’d thought. I took it. My hand, and now, I saw, my bare forearm, had gotten a lot more muscular. Ripped, even. That’s from hipball, my brain said. No way, I responded, we are not still in Chacal’s body. Don’t bust my balls, brain. And they don’t play hipball in the twenty-first century either. Must’ve just been working out a lot while I was waiting for oblivion. I guess I’d wanted to pleasantly surprise myself. Except the arm had also grown an unprecedented crop of dark hair, which meant they’d upped my testosterone for some reason. Ask about it later. For now, just do the minimum and get out of here.
I sipped down a half-ounce. The water tasted a little different. I mean, from water. Grrg. My tongue flopped around, checking out the oral cavescape. Nnng. My sidewise tooth must have been fixed while I was out. That is, I’d always had my left canine tooth kind of negligently wedged in there, and now it felt right in line The voice said something like “Tell me your name.”
“Don’t start with the hard ones,” I said, or maybe wished I’d said after I said something even more lame. Or had she even really asked anything? Maybe I wasn’t quite so on the ball as I’d thought. I handed the cup back.
“How do you feel?” a different, male voice asked. Taro? No, somebody I didn’t like as much. Who? Don’t sweat it, I thought, it’ll come back.
“Surprised,” I tried to say. Only, nothing came out. At least I was trying to be honest. Almost my only emotion was simple surprise that it had worked. The uploading had always been less sure, by a big factor, than going the other way, that is, than the transmission into the Maya host mind. And even that hadn’t gone perfectly. I’d always half suspected that the Warren people had just been leading me on, that they’d never really expected the uploading to work, although realistically they’d put a lot more money and prep time into the ROC phase-as we were calling it, based on a phrase of Heinlein’s, the “Rigor of Colloids”-than they would have just to fool me. Probably they’d just had a lower expectation for it than they’d let on. And, really, they did want to get as much of a return on their investment as they could. I figured that by this point I’d cost about as much as two new aircraft carriers. One with a black-maple bowling alley.
In the first part of the recovery process, just before the uploading, my original memories-that is, all the higher-level long-term memories I’d built up in my brain over my lifetime-would have gotten “wiped down” by a series of medium-pulsed 2000-milliamp electroconvulsive shocks. Basically, they’d killed me, or vegetablized me. And then, in the second phase, my empty brain would have watched, or let’s say it would have experienced, a sped-up “quintesensory video”-as Taro had called it-of the memories that had been downloaded from the ancient brain that had been preserved in the sarcophagus under the Ocelots’ mul. And the living brain would rationalize or let’s say overinterpret that input to imagine it was really experiencing it. Essentially, it would fool itself into believing it had a Jed 2 — like identity. It was basically the same thing brains do with more random input when they’re creating a dream.
I felt a disposable sheet slide off my feet. “Tell me what you feel.” She rolled a spiked wheel up the sole of my foot.
“I feel one of those spiky reflex wheel things rolling up the sole of my foot,” I said.
“Hold on a second,” the doctorly voice said, not to me. There was one of those pauses where somebody else is doing something you can’t see. I stretched again, crackling the butcher’s paper on the examination table underneath me.
“Could you please tell me your mother’s first name?” Lisuarte asked.
“Consuela,” I said. “Oh, no, wait, it’s Flor.” Who the hell was Consuela? I didn’t know any Consuelas. I’d gotten a flash of a cinder-block house with a big hand-painted Fresca logo on the outside and two men inside it watching Telemundo on an old Quasar color TV, and me inside it-that is, I was seeing the place both from outside and inside-inside the house, looking out its open front, watching a woman come up the road outside with a blue plastic basket of washing on her head, and there wasn’t anything at all remarkable about any of it except that I realized I loved the woman but that she wasn’t my mother, that is, she wasn’t my real mother from Guatemala. She was someone’s mother, she “Jed?” Marena’s voice asked.
“Marena,” I croaked. “Hi!”
“Hi,” she said again, not so warmly as one would like. She didn’t come over to touch me either. Guess she didn’t want to be too lovey-dovey on camera, I thought. Either that or whatever thing we had wasn’t a big thing, or-no, that was definitely something to think about later on. Stay chilled. Any big emotions you have, they’ll show up on the graphs and you’ll have to explain them later “Jed? You’ll want to know that we identified and neutralized him,” Marena’s voice said.
“Who?” I asked, or rather made a raspy interrogative grunt. Oh, I remembered. The doomster. “The doomster?” It sounded like “Thhh dhhhmppstrdrdrdrrr?”
“Yes.”
I tried to say that was great, or something, but again, nothing came out. By neutralized do you mean “blew him away with a double-tap to the right side of his face,” or what? It was one of those Commander Weasel words that Marena wouldn’t normally use. Just play along, I thought. Until you’re not being recorded twenty different ways. Wait.
“His name was Madison Czerwick.” Lisuarte, it came to me. The voice’s name is Dr. Lisuarte. Right.
That’s great, I tried to say again. For the EEG’s sake I tried to feel the relief I should have felt-that I would have felt if I didn’t know better-but I don’t think the graph changed appreciably. It’s hard to fool the graph.
So they got the guy, I thought. And they still took the trouble to dig me up and upload me. Well, that was gratifying.
Either that or they weren’t sure they’d gotten the whole scoop about the Sacrifice Game from the Lodestone Cross cache. Which they hadn’t.
It took Dr. Lisuarte another ten minutes to check my short-term memory, perception, and motor skills. Things seemed roughly up to code. Maybe I should tell them about the second doomster, I thought, while she was making me brush my teeth over a sort of portable sink. In case my brain fries out unexpectedly or something. It’s the decent thing to do. Except Koh’d been pretty clear that I’d have to hunt him or her down myself. And that she or he might be somebody I knew. Not knew face-to-face, she’d said-right? — but maybe knew secondhand, or on the phone, or something, which meant maybe one of the Warren people or maybe-well, it meant that I didn’t want to spill anything about it until I got my ducks in a row. I asked for a mirror and they said they wanted to see how I did it without a mirror to check my motor skills. Which weren’t good, I thought, in fact I wasn’t even brushing my teeth right, I was poking my cheek, I was spitting in front of people, which I never did, I wasn’t minding the taste of Tom’s Propolis and Myrrh, which has got to be the world’s most revolting, and I was holding the toothbrush like it was a pen, which is not the right way. And for that matter, why was I using my right hand? I always used my left hand. I mean, I was left-handed. Maybe the uploading had reversed my polarity, like I was a dilithium crystal? Except that wouldn’t happen, it doesn’t go that deep, it’s just memories. Maybe I was looking at myself in a mirror. That had to be it. I winced my eyes closed and brushed again. Nope. Same same. I spat. I rinsed. I drank again. I felt my head. It was shaved, of course, and stuck all over with prickly electrodes. My hand got grabbed before it could feel any more.
“We’d better take those off in a minute,” Lisuarte’s voice said. “Please don’t touch them right-”
“Jed? Do you have any questions right away
?” Marena’s voice asked, behind me this time.
“Uh, yeah,” I rasped. “Did Kamsky win the WCC against Anand?” My voice was weird. It was way hoarse, which argued for a long time under respiratory anesthetic. But it was weirder than that, there was kind of a heavier accent to it. Maybe like a Yucatecan accent. It’s a subtle thing, but still “Let me check on that,” Marena’s voice said, humoring me.
“Are we at the Stake?”
Lisuarte’s voice seemed to hesitate, but I imagined, I think correctly, Marena nodding at her in a who’s-the-boss-here? way, and a beat later Lisuarte said, “No, we’re in Holopaw.”
“Holopaw?”
“Right.”
“You mean, like on Balam, uh, Cat Lake?” It was a nonplace town about, I’d guess, twenty miles southeast of Orlando.
“Correct,” she said.
“Kamsky lost five and a half to six and a half,” Marena said. “According to the Chess Federation site.” She’d come around into view, but she was wearing one of those poufy hairnets and a lab mask with an earphone-and-microphone rig on it, and the little bit of her face that I could see was a funny powdery lavender shade. It had to be the OR lights.
“I’m sure the Federation is correct,” I said.
“Jed?” Marena said. “Listen, we need you to focus now for a minute.”
“Right,” I said. “No problem.” Damn, it wasn’t even just the accent, it didn’t even sound like my voice. I have a surprisingly deep and/or authoritative voice for my charming but relatively unthreatening physical presence. But this was a tenor. Looking back on it, of course, I should have guessed what had happened a long time before this point. But even if you’re the most rational person out there-as I figured I was, given the competition-there’s a kind of denial about things like this that kicks in automatically. Well, not that a lot of people have experienced any “things like this.” But say you’ve lost an arm or something, it can take days to convince yourself that it’s happened. Or if you’ve had a certain kind of stroke, you might never have any further contact with the whole left side of your body, but until your dying day, nobody’s going to be able to convince you of the fact. Denial isn’t just the Ventura Freeway of Egypt. It’s the essential condition of all supra-single-cellular existence.
“Okay, before we do anything else, we should go over the most important algorithms and procedures from the Human Game, you know, the City Game.”
I nodded. How’d they know about the Human Game? I wondered. Had they gotten me to chat in my sleep? I mean, of course they had me wired up the wazoo, but they still can’t read stuff that specifically. Can they? No, no way. Or had I blabbed about it in the Lodestone Cross letters, about how we were looking forward to somehow getting it going? I didn’t think so “Just in case there are any complex memories that you might not retain consistently,” she said.
“Okay, I want to get up first, though,” I said.
“Well, you’re still under some sedation,” she said. “It’d be better to do it right away like in the rehearsals. Remember?”
“Right,” I said. Better give them something, I thought. Just don’t give them the big stuff until you’ve worked it out yourself whether 28.
Huh.
I saw the number 28, in black, against three light blue stripes on a white field.
Wait a second.
Twenty-eight. Merida Futbol Club. Right-handed. Yucatecan.
Oh. Oh Chri It wasn’t my body. It was Tony Sic’s.
(81)
I screamed:
“WHERE’S THE OTHER ME?”
Now, in general, I try to have a snide remark ready for any situation. It doesn’t have to be funny, just smug and mean-spirited. But not this time. I just screamed. And on top of that, despite terror, astonishment, apocalyptic rage, and everything else going on in there, my brain also found room to think of the scene of Ronald Reagan waking up in a similar room and similarly screaming, “Where’s the rest of me?”
“Where’s Jed?” I shouted. My God, I thought. My God. I’d known these were very serious people, crony defense contractors and private ops goons who could disappear you in a second, but I hadn’t quite imagined that they were capable of this. Not this. Not this. Not this.
I started to lurch up, but more than a couple sets of squeakily gloved hands-“gently but firmly,” as they used to say in handbooks about milking cows-pulled me back. One set reclamped the blood-oxygen thingie on my nondominant ring finger and another felt like what must have been an IV farther up the same arm.
“Is he dead?” I shrieked. My God, my God. I’d thought I’d imagined every nefarious trick that the Warren Family of Caring Companies could possibly pull, and now here was an all-new one. And I’d thought that Marena and Taro-I mean, had Taro signed off on this? Was Marena really this much of an antifreeze-blooded murdering psychopathette? Tony Sic’s brain, I thought. Jesus. That choza with the Fresca logo, I thought. That wasn’t one of mine. It was one of Tony’s very early memories. And that woman, Consuela, was Tony’s mother. Holy mierdi -
“Jed’s fine,” Lisuarte said.
“But he doesn’t know? The other me doesn’t know?”
She didn’t answer. I tried to see who else was in the room, but when I rolled my head around it felt like one of those colossal Olmec basalt helmeted ballplayer heads. Still, I got the impression of about a dozen people. Technicians? Nurses? Male nurses? Warren goons? Was that scary Grgur guy here?
Got to get out.
I started to slide off the exam table-vaguely planning to jump up, punch out the guards, steal some ID, get out of the building, and light out for the Territory-but I found myself sinking back down like I was wearing lead exercise weights, or not even, but like I had lead blood. Like even my earlobes were tired.
“Jed,” Marena said. Her hand was on my forehead and the sleeve of her powder-blue lab coat pulled back so you could see a Warren live-badge bracelet. “You have to stay relaxed, there’s still, uh, motor pathways coming in-”
“Your brain’s still building connections to the new memories,” Lisuarte said. “If you-”
“Wait, he doesn’t know?” I asked again. “Jed, I mean, the other Jed, he doesn’t know about me?”
“Jed’s good,” Marena said. “And, no, he doesn’t even know we went back to the site yet. But we are going to tell him. Or if you want you can tell him.”
Damn, so I was going to get to meet myself. I’d thought I’d taken care of this with that 2 Jeweled Skull creep. And now it’s even more… hell, hell, hell. Well, we’d have a lot to talk about, I guess.
Well, so much for Tony. Poor sucker. He’d been twenty-eight years old. He’d never even had a chance. I’d never been crazy about the guy, but now I was almost feeling tears for him simmering behind my eyes. What the hell was he thinking? Did he have some kind of debilitating depression I hadn’t picked up on? Was he terminally ill? Or had they given him some new kind of ultraspecific drug that increased his natural death wish and still left him cogent enough to defend his decision on video? Or maybe they’d brainwashed him over years and years. He’d been with the company for almost a decade, right? Jesus Christ, these Warren guys, they make the Carlyle Group look like Oxfam. They’ll do you in a second. Bastards.
And why him? Wouldn’t it have been better if it were somebody I’d never met?
Well, maybe that just hadn’t been possible. They couldn’t foresee everything, they were making it up as they went along too. They might not even have made the decision until a few days ago. And they’d needed someone who spoke Chol. Language is too basic. The mind encodes it way below the level of the sort of memories that we can (now) just pass around. And they’d needed a brain that was already proven to be smart enough, in the right kind of way, to be good at the Sacrifice Game. He hadn’t been so good as I was, of course, but he was getting there. So there weren’t too many candidates beside Sic to begin with. And as I should have expected, they’d been grooming Sic for years.
“Dude,�
� I said. “You-guys-just-murdered-Tony.”
“He volunteered,” Marena said.
“What, like some, some, some, some, like some, some, some suicide bomber?”
“All right, you could say that, I’m not going to debate you about it.”
“And you thought I wouldn’t mind?”
“No, but, I’d say, well, yes, it’s a bit of a surprise for most of us that you’re quite this upset. Look, Tony Sic made a deal and in a way it doesn’t really have much to do with you. He was figuring on a suicide mission of some kind.”
“You mean he thought he’d be going to Mayaland and wouldn’t be able to get back.”
“Well, yeah, he hoped he’d get to go. But when you went instead, he accepted it. He’d already made the deal.”
I didn’t answer. Nobody else said anything.
“I want to see my face,” I said.
Marena got out a quality-paperback-size Samsung tablet, switched it to mirror function, and handed it to me. It felt like I was lifting a three-inch-thick plate of polonium-210, but I got it into position and it “reflected” my face. Sic’s face.
It was handsome in a rustic John Leguizamo-ish style, except for the shaved head with its white plague spots of about two hundred silicon-glued electrodes. I’d just seen it on the video, of course, but I’d never really seen it. That is, when it’s in a mirror, you look at a face in a different way. And I don’t mean because it’s reversed-and the mirror function on her tablet defaulted to reversing the image as though it were a real mirror-but because you know your consciousness is in there, and in the face’s microreactions, you think you can almost see it. I’m inside there, I thought. I’m inside. It’s me inside.
“Oh, my God,” I went. “Oh my God, oh my God.” And I think I said it a few more times. Finally I started saying, “I can’t believe you did this, I can’t believe you did this, I can’t be-”
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