This.
This complacency consumes you, eats you up, dwindles your hours into days into months. And then you look up and you’ve forgotten why you were sad in the first place. It stays in your heart like a lump, a stone, a heavy mourning. Sometimes, you awaken from this dirge, you try to escape into song. But then complacency comes back to help you drift through life.
Complacency is your friend. It is also your biggest foe. This enemy kills you, snuffs the life out of you. Fools you into thinking you’re living, when all you’re doing is scraping by.
Around her living room are reminders of who she used to be. Not bad for someone who started out without a plan. Nowadays, it seems like that’s all she has—plans, timetables, schedules.
She’s caught off guard by a familiar voice at the front door.
“Yoohoo! Where are you?”
“In here!” she shouts.
The sound of heels clicking and clacking on the wood floor is all she hears until Riley stands in front of her. “Fulton Market had so many beautiful tulips,” she says as she lays them on the table. “What’s all this?”
“Spring cleaning,” Tessa responds, her eyes fixated on the scattered mess. “I took them out of storage. Never got to sort them out.”
Riley kicks off her shoes before she sits on the floor. “Look!” she says, holding one of the pictures. “I can’t believe your hair has grown out so much.”
“Holy shit, I looked like such a dork. It was so short then.” Tessa smiles.
“Do you ever think you’ll start writing again?” her friend asks.
Tessa shakes her head. “Nah. That person doesn’t exist anymore. That was another time, in another universe.”
“That universe was your world. It’s what got you here,” Riley counters.
“Many things got us here, my friend,” Tessa says, her eyes wetting with tears.
She heads toward the kitchen to grab a vase, fills it up with water and unwraps the flowers. Riley follows suit and settles on a leather stool facing the counter.
“Why are you doing this to yourself, Tess?”
Tessa avoids the real question. “What? You mean consulting? It’s structured, it’s safe. This is how life has to be with Ciel.”
She turns the question back at Riley. There are things that can no longer be ignored. She knows they’ll both have to face it. Tessa doesn’t know how just yet.
“Do you…” She pauses. “Still think about him?”
“Of course I do. Every day,” Riley says, clutching the edges of the chair. “But it’s different now. When I think of him, I think of a place so far away from where we are. Like a trip we took, a vacation that had to end. That’s how I cope. And Liam, he’s there to hold me whenever the dreams get ugly.”
Tessa nods. Will is her present, her lifesaver, her island in the middle of the sea. But if she had a choice, she would tumble back into the water. This safe place, this refuge feels more like death to her. Who would ever think acceptance could be so suffocating?
She turns towards the refrigerator, pulls out a tray of cupcakes and takes two plates from the shelf.
“My sad attempt at baking for my daughter. Okay, before you say anything, they’re supposed to be Cookie Monster, but they turned out more like Grover.”
“Well, I’ve never seen so many blue Grovers before.”
Riley takes a ravenous bite. Tessa pours two cups of coffee before taking her place next to her friend.
They never feared the silence. It was good for them. Their many moments throughout the years were quiet ones, sitting side by side doing their own thing. It was as if they were comforted by their proximity to each other, nothing more, nothing less.
“How do we start?” Riley finally asks. “How do we find him, Tess?”
“I don’t know,” Tessa whispers. “All I know is that I want to see him again. Most likely, he’s married. He was probably just being reminiscent that day.”
“You know you’re risking everything at this point, don’t you? For the past. We’ve both learned dredging up the past can be dangerous. What happened that night killed us—you’ll die all over again.”
“We’re already dead,” Tessa says, tears falling freely this time.
Riley spreads her arms open and Tessa sinks right in. They’ve become quite adept at blending their tears. Different hearts, same pain.
“Okay.” Riley lets out a deep breath. “No more crying. We’re not going to get anywhere by sitting here and crying. We must have a plan. Go get a piece of paper and a pen,” she orders.
Minutes later, they’re back on the floor, in the midst of all their memories. Tessa quickly draws a map, scribbling circles for continents and placing dots in strategic places. Riley picks up a pile of pictures and turns through it.
“Vegas. Do you think he’s in Vegas?”
Tessa shakes her head. “Maybe New York or Boston.”
She scrolls through her phone and hands it to Riley. “It was a Boston number. He was staying there for a few months when we met.”
“Yes, but he returned to London,” Riley argues. “It’s been three years—who knows where he’s ended up?”
“He said he was visiting our places.”
“What does that mean?”
“I don’t know.” Tessa is lost in wistfulness. They had seen the world through the eyes of love. To choose one place over the other would be like trying to pick a favorite child. Each one was special, it had brought them together in very different ways.
“Visit our places?” she says with a lighthearted chuckle.
Riley shakes her head. “What?”
“Visit them.” Tessa reiterates. “I know he’s had a head start but maybe I can catch up.”
Gently, she takes the pen from Riley’s fingers and spreads herself across the floor on her elbows. “I’ll start here.” She draws an X right on the state of Nevada. “And then, from here, to there.” She crosses over through the ocean and makes a circle back to North America. “And end up back here.”
Riley grabs the pen back. “No, that won’t work. Too much time has passed since his call.” She crosses out the arrows Tessa has drawn and instead, traces a circle around only two places.
“Go find him there. And if you don’t, then…” She drew another line across the ocean. “Head over…” The line comes to a stop. “Here.”
Tessa heaves a sigh of relief and leans against Riley. Silence once again is their only recourse. There’s too much to remember. They both know it’s time to face the music.
“I’m coming with you,” Riley whispers.
“No, it won’t be fair to you, to drag you through this.”
“It wasn’t fair to you. To. You.” Riley emphasizes. “You walked away from Simon for me. We have to talk about this, Tess. You and I, we’ve got to come to terms with it. It’s been three years. I couldn’t give my heart to Liam unless I let Jacob go. And Liam knows. I will never love anyone like I loved your brother. But he’s willing to come in second, because he’s not going to compete with a dead man.”
The subject of death is her defeat. Tessa recoils, pushing both shoulders back. “I’m not ready yet. I know I have to be. And I will be. I promise you, we will talk about everything soon.”
“All right, then. But leave Ciel with me. We’ll take good care of her.”
“Rye, all I know is that I have to try. My life will never be the same after that call.”
“Then do what you have to do.”
It’s going to be the longest journey she’s ever taken. Nothing about this could compare to anything she’s ever done before.
But first things first. She must tie up the loose ends of her life—letting Will know and letting Jacob go. When she woke up in the hospital two days after the tragedy, her mind had managed to eliminate all recollection of their last night together. To let her brother go, she must do her best to remember that night. And then she has to face the most difficu
lt task of telling the man she still loves he had missed two years of his daughter’s life.
“Ciel! Ask your mom if we can swing by Dairy Queen on the way to my house,” Riley says while walking around the living room to gather Ciela’s toys. “Is it just Glowy you want me to bring tonight?”
Ciela skips alongside Tessa. “Ya, ya, ya!”
Tessa kneels down and embraces her daughter. “Sure. Say thank you to Auntie Rye for taking you tonight.”
“Ta-tu,” Ciela says happily, clutching her glow worm. “Wowy.”
“Hold on a minute,” Tessa says, standing up and leading Riley away from her daughter.
“Thank you for taking her,” she says to her friend.
“Of course, anytime.” Riley answers, taking Tessa in her arms. The two friends remain locked in an embrace. “By the way, I started seeing Dr. D’Antonio again. I’m sure you know.”
“I’m so sorry,” Tessa whispers before pulling away.
Riley shrugs, turns around and heads toward the front door. “Ceee-ye-leeey!” Ciela comes running straight into Tessa’s arms.
“Be good, baby. Mommy loves you.”
“O-lo-tu, mama. Set doe.” Riley and Ciel walk hand in hand, out the door, down the driveway.
Tessa chases after them, almost knocking Riley down, who’s just strapped Ciel into the car seat.
“What’s wrong, honey?” Riley asks, concerned.
“Rye, do you remember? Was Simon at Jake’s funeral?”
Riley tries to smile, but her eyes won’t cooperate. She rubs Tessa’s shoulder. “Yes. Yes, he was.”
“Wow, you look. Wow.”
Tessa self-consciously pulls the hem of her dress down with both hands as Will greets her with a kiss. She’s ten minutes late for his work function, a dinner in honor of some foreign partners who are in Chicago for a meeting.
“Sorry, I had to park a couple of blocks off Adams Street. Traffic was insane,” she said, still out of breath from running across the never-ending lobby. The Metropolitan, a private club whose members are mostly the professional elite, is in the Willis Tower, the tallest building in Chicago.
Will leads her into the elevator. It’s an awkward, silent ride to the sixty-seventh floor. Tessa refuses to let another night go by without telling him.
“Thanks for coming,” Will says, inching slowly toward her, his gaze fixed on the top of her dress.
Slowly, she moves away from him. “Will, I’ve been wanting to talk to you about something, but you’ve been out of town all week. Do you think we can do that tonight? After this dinner?”
“Yes, of course. Is anything wrong?”
“Just stuff,” she answers, avoiding his eyes.
Finally, they’re at their destination. She loops her arm in his and allows him to lead her to the table.
There are twenty guests in the longest table she’s ever seen. Around her, the view of the city is resplendent. In the old days, she would think nothing of being so high above the ground. It’s the first time in years she’s done this, and tonight, the walls are closing in and there’s not enough air.
Will senses her discomfort and immediately tries to put her at ease, his hand firmly planted on the small of her back, holding her up in a way. As he makes the introductions, he stands tall and proud. There are partners and vice presidents and two of Chicago’s top politicians.
Will introduces her to a woman with long blond hair and bright green eyes. She’s wearing a low cut black dress made to look professional by a slick fitted leather blazer. She registers a look of recognition as Tessa approaches.
“Tessa, this is Maxine Winters, a partner from BDO, a CPA firm headquartered in London. Maxine is here to work on some due diligence for an acquisition we are coordinating.”
Maxine can’t be anywhere over thirty. She’s that young and that successful.
Could it be? Simon’s ex-girlfriend from before? Tessa doesn’t have to wonder for very long.
“Tessa Talman!” she exclaims. She’s not lacking in personality, that’s for sure. “I’m so glad to finally meet you. I’m wondering whether you remember who I am?”
Does she lie? Does she pretend this woman is crazy? Tessa extends her hand and Maxine shakes it briskly.
“Yes! Hello, Maxine, likewise. It’s a pleasure to meet you.”
“Small world, isn’t it?” she adds, her low, hoarse voice a complete contradiction to Tessa’s high-pitched tone.
“Indeed!” Tessa says with a smile. She can see why Simon had been attracted to her. She exudes confidence and spunk. A strong, beautiful woman in a man’s world.
Will gently pushes her along until they end up by their seats. He’s a big deal, she is reminded. He sits at the head of the table and all attention shifts towards him. While exchanging pleasantries and commentaries about some recently concluded meeting, Tessa hides her phone on her lap and checks for messages. There are none. Her fingers deftly sweep through the keys.
GIRL IN 7C: @Disconnected, I’m sorry.
“Tess?” Will nudges her gently.
Everyone is looking at her as she jerks her head up. “Oh, sorry.”
“Did you want a drink?” Will asked.
“Moscato, please,” she addresses the server.
The phone rests on her lap next to Will’s hand. Every so often—no, every minute—she pauses to check for a response. Pretty soon, dinner is over, everyone knows about everyone’s business. Will is frisky, and his colleagues have become way too comfortable with each other; the aftermath of their drunken revelations.
Tessa begins to calculate the time differences in her head: 4 a.m. London, 11 p.m. New York and 8 p.m. San Francisco. She’s been doing this ever since she heard from him. Imagining where in the world he would be and why he may be ignoring her messages.
Thank god, someone is brave enough to break this party up. And of course, it has to be Maxine. She makes her round of the table, shaking everyone’s hand before giving them a peck on the cheek. Until she gets to Tessa. With a sweep of her hand and a flick of her wrist, the unlucky guest gets up and moves to her vacated seat. She pulls it up until she’s close enough to kiss Tessa’s ear.
“Tessa, I just wanted to say how glad I am to have met you. I must admit I was upset when Simon broke up with me but everything’s good now. You see! I’m engaged to be married!”
This is what Tessa’s been trying to avoid all night. Eventually, he was bound to come up.
“Congratulations!” Tessa responds. “And I’m so sorry, Maxine, for what happened.”
“Don’t be. That was ages ago. And more importantly, it was Simon’s choice, not yours. But as you can see, it always works out. I wish you all the best.”
She responds with a nod.
“Speaking of Simon, have you seen him lately?”
“No, no, I haven’t. Where is he, Maxine?”
“Well, I haven’t seen him for quite some time but the last time we met about two years ago, he was setting up a business in the U.S. He asked me for tax advice. Pharmaceuticals, I think. Plan was to IPO in six months, doing extremely well then.”
Useless. This exchange is just useless. There is nothing Maxine could offer except to prolong Will’s annoyance with her.
Tessa cuts it short. She stands up. “Sorry, I do need to run to the washroom. Once again, it was so wonderful meeting you, Maxine. I wish you the best. Congratulations again!”
“Let me get this straight. He calls you almost a month ago, and you’ve kept this from me since?” Will asks, his dolor highlighted by the stoop of his shoulders and the lines on his forehead.
Tessa stands facing him in the parking garage, one hand clutching her purse, the other gripping his hand. She wrestles with her line of vision—orange lines all over. They make her twitch uncontrollably. Will tries to hold her shoulders down and then grabs her hands.
“Did you know I had very short hair once? And I was so disorganized I didn’t even know if
I was coming or going, didn’t even know where I’d be the next week, the next month.”
“What?” Will cocks his head, before shaking it in disbelief. “Tessa, you’re not making any sense. Answer my question, please.”
“I was trying to process it all.”
He tries to turn around and head toward her car. “Let’s talk about this at my place. I’ll meet you there.”
“No, please. We can’t.”
He tilts his head to the side and releases her hand. The devastation on his face moves her to tears. His right cheek twinges. He begins to bite his lip. She’d never really looked closely at him before. Never noticed he had a tiny scar on the left side of his eye. She hasn’t really seen much these past two years. She’d been too involved in her sorrow to indulge in anything meaningful.
What a pity. She would have loved to know where that scar came from. But it’s too late for that now.
“All I’m suggesting is to talk at the house instead of here, in this garage.”
“I know, Will. I know. Please forgive me,” she cries. “I can’t come over anymore. I don’t want to be dishonest about this. It’s time.”
Maybe he can’t help himself. Or maybe he’s seen it all along. How lost she’s been. How broken. He leans on the solid white column in the middle of aisles E and F and takes her in his arms. She sobs into his chest. She cries for him, for what they never had.
“I need to find him because he will help me remember.” She can hardly get any words out. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, Will. You’ve been my lifeline for these two years; I couldn’t have survived without you. And now, here I am, telling you I’m still in love with someone else.”
“Tessa,” he says, his hand firmly pressing her back. “I knew what I was getting into. All the triggers, the anxiety, the nightmares and panic attacks. The thing is, I thought my love would one day be able to help you move on, that in a matter of time, we would get through it. I guess I was wrong.”
Eight Goodbyes Page 21