by Anne Douglas
‘Now I didn’t say that!’ he protested.
All the same, they didn’t linger over their drinks and, as no car thief had tried any tricks on the Austin, were soon back in their seats and driving away.
‘This countryside’s so lovely,’ Jamie commented. ‘Why don’t we just drive round a bit?’
Drive round and stop was what he actually meant, for when he found a little lane leading nowhere, with only a distant view of the Forth Bridge to remind them of where they were, he drew up and turned his eyes on Roz.
‘Want a driving lesson?’ he asked cheerfully.
A driving lesson? It was the last thing she’d expected.
‘Maybe not now,’ she answered cautiously. ‘It’s getting late.’
‘Nonsense, it’s as light as day!’
‘But I’d need a licence, wouldn’t I? Some sort of provisional thing?’
‘Yes, I suppose you would. All right, another time, then.’ He took her hand. ‘It wasn’t my first reason for stopping the car, anyway – to give you a driving lesson, I mean.’
‘No?’
‘Come on, you’re teasing. You know I want to kiss you again. You want me to, don’t you?’
To answer, she leaned forward and pressed her lips to his, at which he dropped her hand and took her into his arms.
‘Oh, Roz! You don’t know what it’s been like, waiting to do this!’
‘As a matter of fact, I do,’ she whispered. ‘I’ve been waiting too.’
For some time, they held each other, kissing more and more passionately, until both drew back, breathing hard and gazing into each other’s eyes.
Then Jamie gently touched Roz’s face. ‘Suppose I’d better take you back?’
She said nothing, only let him see, from the look in her grey eyes, how little she wanted to go.
‘Only bright spot, Roz, is that we see each other tomorrow. That gets me through.’
‘I don’t know, I find it a bit of a strain – being together yet having to be so careful.’
‘That’s because you worry too much. I don’t worry – I hope for the best.’
‘I do worry. It’s the way I am.’
‘Well, just try to think the way they did in the war.’ He kissed her quickly. ‘You remember the slogan? “Don’t worry, it may never happen”? It’s very important to keep that in mind. Now, we’d better be on our way.’
When Jamie parked outside the flat in Deller Street, Roz asked a little hesitantly if he’d like to come in to meet her mother and sister, as they’d be back from the café by now. She’d no idea what he would say, yet was still surprised when he, too, was hesitant.
‘I’d like to meet them, of course, but, I wonder … would it be better another time?’
‘Another time?’ She tried not to sound cool. ‘All right, if you prefer it. I just wanted them to meet you, to see why I want to be with you.’
‘I see. Oh, well, then, tonight’s the night. Yes, I’d like to meet them, Roz. Lead on.’
He took her hand, seemingly agreeable, yet it seemed to her he was still unwilling and she couldn’t help wondering why. Did he think she was treating him already as a prospective fiancé? That wasn’t true. She was sure he and she were the same, overcome by sudden love, not even thinking where it might lead. Just enjoying for the moment what they had.
‘This way,’ she told him. ‘We’re on the first floor. And they are home – I can hear their voices.’
Twenty-Nine
Flo and Chrissie, not long back from the café, were sitting in the warmth of the evening, their shoes off, the window open, both pleasantly relaxing, until Roz’s call had them looking towards the door.
‘Roz! Is that you?’ cried Flo.
‘It’s me, Ma, and I’ve brought someone to see you, just for a minute.’
‘Oh, no, a visitor? Where are my shoes?’
As Flo scrabbled for her shoes and Chrissie slid into hers, Jamie stood in the doorway and Roz took his arm.
‘Ma – Chrissie – this is Jamie Shield, from Tarrel’s. Jamie, this is my mother and my sister, Chrissie. Ma, you got my note, eh?’
‘Note – oh, yes.’ Flo, having put on her shoes, was standing up and staring at Jamie, who was smiling endearingly and stretching out his hand.
‘I’m very glad to meet you, Mrs Rainey, and Chrissie – if I may call you that?’
‘Oh, yes, that’s fine,’ said Chrissie, her surprised gaze going over his face. ‘Very pleased to meet you, Mr Shield – Jamie.’
‘Very pleased,’ echoed Flo, as she and Chrissie shook Jamie’s hand. ‘So you’ve been out this evening? Such good weather, eh?’
‘We’ve been to Blackness, Ma, in Jamie’s car. He’s just got it and it’s lovely.’
‘Blackness? Fancy.’ Flo put her hand to her hair in a distracted fashion. ‘Would you like a cup o’ tea, then? Chrissie – the kettle—’
‘Thank you very much, Mrs Rainey, but I won’t stay,’ answered Jamie. ‘It seemed a good opportunity to look in, but I won’t disturb you. I know you’re just back from work. So nice to meet you both, though.’
‘And you,’ Chrissie said politely. ‘Heard such a lot about you.’
‘Oh, dear, hope it wasn’t too bad?’
‘All flattering,’ Roz told him with determined cheerfulness. ‘I’ll just show you out, then? Sorry it was just a flying visit, Ma, but like Jamie said, it just seemed a good opportunity.’
‘It was grand to meet you, Jamie,’ Flo said, seeming to have recovered some poise. ‘Very nice of you to call in. Maybe you’ll come again?’
‘Thank you, Mrs Rainey, I’d like that. Goodnight, then. And goodnight, Chrissie.’ Slightly bowing his head, Jamie gave a final smile and followed Roz from the room, leaving Flo and Chrissie to collapse back into their chairs.
‘I’m afraid we caught them on the hop,’ Roz murmured as she and Jamie reached the car.
‘I rather thought we might, you know.’
Though he’d acquitted himself well meeting her mother and Chrissie, it seemed to Roz, studying him in the light that was just fading, that he was strangely ill at ease. Again, she was puzzled, but there was no way she could question him and, as he moved to kiss her goodnight, she thought perhaps she was just being overly sensitive, imagining something that wasn’t there. And when the kiss came she could think of nothing else anyway.
‘Another lovely evening,’ she whispered, releasing herself from his arms. ‘So special to be with you, Jamie.’
‘With my special car?’
‘With or without your car.’
‘Well, this is the bit I don’t like, saying goodnight. Who said parting is such sweet sorrow? There’s no sweetness in it, as far as I can tell. Goodnight, darling Roz. See you tomorrow.’
‘Better not call me darling. It might slip out at work.’
‘Worrying again?’ He shook his head at her. ‘You know I’m a very careful guy.’
He was relaxing, becoming more his usual self, and as he took his seat at the wheel, blew kisses at her until the engine started and he was on his way.
‘Goodnight!’ she called. Darling Jamie … She could be careful, too.
‘Well, that was a surprise!’ cried Flo, when Roz came into the living room. ‘I’d no idea you’d be bringing your young man home with you!’
‘I’m not exactly calling him my young man, but I wanted you to meet him. You and Chrissie.’ Roz glanced swiftly at her sister. ‘What did you think of him, then?’
‘Very nice,’ Flo answered at once. ‘Very open, good-natured face, and a lovely smile. I liked him.’
‘I did, too,’ said Chrissie. ‘I thought he was sweet.’ She paused for a moment. ‘Reckon you’d be safe with him.’
‘Safe?’
‘I mean, he’d look after you. I can tell, he’s the sort.’
‘But I don’t need looking after!’ Roz was smiling, but her eyes on Chrissie were watchful. ‘Is Richard that sort, then?’ she asked. ‘To look after you?’
‘Of course he is!’ Flo cut in. ‘You can rely on Richard. Isn’t that right, Chrissie?’
‘Sure it is. You’ve no need to ask.’ Chrissie yawned and stretched. ‘Roz, how about you making us two poor tired souls a cuppa, then?’
‘That’s the ticket,’ said Flo, striking a match to light a cigarette. ‘But what a shame Jamie couldn’t stay, eh? I hope he does come to see us again.’
‘See no reason why he shouldn’t,’ Roz replied, making the familiar trek to the kettle.
Thirty
With August came the festival, and as crowds of visitors, many of them foreign, filled the streets in amazingly good weather, Roz drank in the atmosphere as never before. She felt so full of high spirits it was as though she was part of the programme, though she didn’t even have tickets to any operas, concerts, or ballets – and in fact had never taken much interest in the previous two festivals, believing she couldn’t afford anything anyway.
So what was different? Jamie, of course! He made the difference. Being in love made the difference. Everything seemed in sharper focus and brighter colours because of him, because of their love, and though she couldn’t be with him when she moved through the streets in her lunch hour, or going home after work, the thought of him added to all that she could see and feel. Even if, she had to admit, just lately he could sometimes seem mysteriously to be a little ‘down’.
They tried as often as they could to be together, but it wasn’t easy. Their evening or Sunday drives always had to be out of Edinburgh to places they thought their colleagues wouldn’t go, and though Roz was just glad to be with Jamie at all, she knew he found it irksome. And sometimes, when they were out and she’d been looking away, she would look back to see his eyes fixed on her and find in them something she couldn’t quite understand. Regret? Sadness? All she could be sure of was that when her eyes were on him she only ever felt happy.
One morning he came into her office, his more usual cheerful self and, seating himself on her desk, asked her about the festival that she’d been enjoying so much without actually attending.
‘Have you really never gone to anything at the festivals, Roz? That’s a shame, if they were anything like this one – there’s some marvellous stuff on.’
‘Well, it’s pricey, Jamie. I’m like a lot of Edinburgh folk – I think it’s not for me.’
‘But if you could afford it, there are things you’d like to see? This year, there’s that Scottish thing – A Satire of the Three Estates – we ought to see that. And then there’s a woman with a beautiful voice – I’ve got some of her records – Kathleen Ferrier, who’s giving a recital.’ Jamie waved his hands. ‘So, why don’t I get us tickets, then? I’ll bet they’ve got some left, though I might have to queue to get them.’
‘They say all the best things are sold out. People from abroad will have booked ages ago.’
‘I could try, anyway. And if all else fails we can have a drink at the Assembly Rooms bar. That won’t break the bank!’
‘Haven’t you forgotten something?’ she asked softly. ‘We don’t want to be seen together. I’ll bet folk from here will be all over the festival.’
‘Oh, God!’ Jamie abruptly left her desk. ‘Why is there always this barrier? Why have we to keep thinking of other people?’ He moved to the window and stood with his brow against the pane, staring out at the sunshine. ‘All I want is to be with you, and all I find are difficulties.’
‘Why, Jamie, we’re often together,’ she cried, hurrying to him, turning him to face her. ‘We go out in your car, we see places, it’s wonderful. Absolutely keeps me going, thinking of it, when I’m not with you.’
‘Is that right?’ he asked tenderly. ‘I suppose that’s true for me, too, but I do feel so bitter that we happen to have met here and that makes such a hell of a difference. You can understand, Roz? You feel the same?’
‘I do, but I just think I’m so lucky, anyway, to have you and be with you when we can. I’m willing to put up with everything else for that.’
‘Ah, Roz, that’s so like you.’ He pressed her hand. ‘All the time, you keep me right.’
‘Well, if I do, we’d better get back to work.’ She laughed a little. ‘There’s the telephone!’
They were all right again, back on an even keel, until the weekend when Jamie said it was sweet sorrow time again, as he must go home to the Borders. Well, of course, Roz understood, but it did occur to her that it would have been nice if he’d asked her to go with him. Seemingly, their families were not to be involved, for Jamie had never suggested seeing her mother again, and she had the feeling that she shouldn’t suggest it either. And now he was to visit his own mother who might or might not know of Roz’s existence. He kept saying how important she was to him, how he only wanted to be with her, yet she didn’t even know if she played any part in his life away from her.
Where were they going then? Maybe the time had come to think of that? Or maybe not? Roz decided she must just get through the weekend somehow. Perhaps go to one of the ‘Fringe’ events that were outside the festival proper but becoming quite popular?
‘Och, they’re just a load of amateurs,’ said Norma when Roz asked if she might be interested in going with her, ‘but you know they’ve had some good reviews. How about one of the comedy shows? I could do with a good laugh. You too, eh?’
‘Why me?’
‘Well, Mr Shield’s away this weekend, eh?’
When Roz stood speechless, Norma grinned.
‘Come on, Roz, you don’t need to pretend with me. I know there’s something between you. What of it? It’s no crime, is it?’
‘Oh, Norma, you won’t say anything?’ Roz had turned a little pale. ‘We work together – you know it’d never be approved of here.’
‘Roz, I promise I won’t say a word and I’ve not said anything up till now, have I?’
‘Do you think anyone else has noticed us?’
‘Not likely! They’re all such sticks, they can never see anything that’s not a legal document! Now I could tell about you two just by seeing the way you look at each other – even by the way you say each other’s names.’ Norma smiled triumphantly. ‘But I live in the real world, eh?’
‘I thought, maybe Miss Calder—’
‘Miss Calder? She’s just the same as the lawyers. When did she ever see anybody in love? Oh, come on, Roz, stop worrying! Let’s fix up to go to a show on Saturday night and forget Tarrel and Thom’s!’
‘Oh, yes, let’s,’ agreed Roz with feeling.
They did go to a comedy show – one held by an amateur group in a church hall – and Roz did manage to forget her worries, joining in the laughter with Norma and not mentioning Jamie’s name at all. It was only when she was on her way home in the tram that the worries came back, for how sure could she be that Norma was right and others weren’t seeing what seemed to be so plain to her? Mr Banks, for instance? He certainly hadn’t said anything so far, but then he might just be waiting to see her and Jamie together somewhere before asking them to step into his office and – what? Give them the sack?
Searching for some comfort, Roz decided she was worrying too much. Maybe they wouldn’t be in such trouble after all, even if they were found to have fallen in love. As Norma had said, it was no crime. But in her heart, Roz knew that it wouldn’t do either of them any good either, especially not Jamie, who was the professional and would be held responsible. And if the truth were told, their relationship was affecting their work, which was just what Mr Banks would fear. Though Jamie had said they would be absolutely above reproach they hadn’t been, for often they couldn’t resist spending time talking to each other, looking at each other, just being with each other, instead of concentrating on clients.
Taking a hard, objective view of the situation, Roz felt bad and guilty, and longed to be with Jamie, to have him, somehow, make her feel better. But the only solution she was beginning to see was that she should leave Tarrel’s. Find another job. It wouldn’t be too diffic
ult, except that it might not be with property and there would be the end to her dreams. But if she still had Jamie, wouldn’t it be worth it?
Here the tram rattled to her stop and with some relief Roz alighted and made her way home through the still warm, light evening. Not a word of her worries to Ma, she told herself as she let herself in to the flat, and was only to find out when she went into the living room that her worries at that time would be of no interest. How could they be, when Chrissie, her face white, was sobbing quietly into a wet handkerchief, while Flo, looking stricken, was sitting opposite, shaking her head and murmuring words of comfort that were so clearly not being heard?
‘What’s wrong?’ cried Roz. ‘For God’s sake, what’s happened?’
Her mother turned expressionless eyes on her. ‘He’s given her up, Roz. It’s Richard. He’s leaving Edinburgh and he doesn’t want to marry her.’
Thirty-One
‘Oh, Chrissie!’ Roz ran to kneel by her sister’s side, to put her arms around her, smooth her poor damp face with a clean handkerchief and whisper again, ‘Oh, Chrissie!’
‘I trusted him, Roz,’ Chrissie said hoarsely, her throat swollen with tears. ‘I knew from the start he was the one, and he felt the same about me. He did, he did! Ma, you knew that, eh? You saw how he was with me? Unmistakable, you said, how he felt?’
‘Aye, he was very keen,’ Flo murmured. ‘Bit slow at first, but then he was always after you, wherever you were in the café. We all saw that.’
‘Yes, and then he asked me out,’ Chrissie cried eagerly. ‘He was always asking me out. And we got so close, I knew that the next thing would be …’ Her voice shook and trailed away as she crumpled Roz’s handkerchief and wiped her eyes again. ‘… would be getting wed,’ she finished. ‘It had to be – we were so in love!’
‘Did he ever say …?’ Roz asked hesitantly. ‘Did he ever say – I mean – put it into words? That you would be getting wed?’
‘No, he didn’t need to; it was just so plain, Roz, it was understood. That’s when I fixed up for you to meet him, because he already knew Ma, and he admired you, said you were so clever when I told him about your job – I wanted him to know all my family, and Dougal would have been next. Oh, there was no question, no question, I tell you – we were going to be married!’