by Anne Douglas
At least there was comfort for Roz in knowing that her mother had not gone into a state of depression again, though she couldn’t of course be anything but sad over Chrissie’s continuing misery. True to her word, Chrissie had not returned to the Café Sunshine, and had instead found herself a job as waitress in a George Street restaurant, much to Flo’s disappointment.
‘It’s not the same at the café without her,’ she complained to Roz. ‘And she’d have been welcomed back. She needn’t have left.’
‘Richard used to go there, Ma, that’s what she minds. You have to let her do what she thinks is best.’
‘Aye, well it would be best if she could stop thinking about that Richard at all. Dougal was all for giving him a punch or two, you know, if he hadn’t already gone to Newcastle.’
‘As though that would have done any good!’
‘Would have done Dougal good, he says.’ Flo sighed. ‘Och, what a worry it is, having a family! Why, even you are looking for another job, Roz, and I thought you were settled.’
‘I explained how things are, Ma. It’ll be better for me and Jamie if we don’t work together. Though I haven’t found anything suitable yet.’
‘How about finding wedding bells suitable?’ asked Flo, narrowing her eyes as she looked at Roz, who merely shrugged and laughed.
‘No wedding bells at the moment, Ma. All I’m looking for is the right sort of post. Might take some time.’
And so it did, for October was well advanced before a likely job for Roz turned up in a New Town law firm requiring a typist and assistant for their property department. Exactly what she was looking for, she told Jamie, as he prepared to leave for a valuation in Murrayfield – she would get her application in that very day.
‘I suppose I should be pleased,’ he said gloomily.
‘You know what it will mean if I get it,’ she told him. ‘Freedom!’
‘True,’ he admitted, brightening, and would have kissed her, except that they no longer kissed at work. ‘Can’t come too soon, then. Better type out your application now.’
‘By the time you come back it will be in the post.’
She was not to know, as she settled down at her typewriter, that by the time Jamie came back to go to lunch, her life – and his – would be changed for ever.
It was some time after eleven, as Roz was sealing up her application for the post, when Norma came into her office, her expression rather wary.
‘Roz, there’s a young lady at reception who wants to see Mr Shield.’
‘A young lady?’ Roz looked puzzled. ‘He’s not expecting anyone. Did she say what she wants?’
‘No, but her name is Miss Drever. Ella Drever. Mean anything?’
Roz shook her head. ‘Better tell her to make an appointment.’
‘I wondered if you might see her. Tell her when Mr Shield’ll be back.’
And find out who she is, was Norma’s unspoken message; clearly, Roz was intrigued.
‘All right, Norma. Show her in.’
Moving into the main room, Roz positioned herself near Jamie’s desk and waited.
‘Miss Drever,’ announced Norma, before reluctantly withdrawing as a dark-haired young woman in a tweed suit and brown felt hat advanced to shake hands with Roz.
Tall and well-built, she was probably in her late twenties, strong-looking with large, gloveless hands and a look of competence. Not pretty, but attractive, with wide brown eyes and a friendly smile.
‘Ella Drever,’ she said in a pleasant voice with a Scottish accent Roz could not for the moment place, until she realized it was like Jamie’s. A Borders accent.
‘Good morning, Miss Drever,’ Roz said politely, offering her one of the customers’ chairs. ‘I’m Roz Rainey, Mr Shield’s assistant – how can I help?’
‘Well, I just wanted to see Jamie – surprise him, you know. I came up from Kelder yesterday, but he doesn’t know I’m in Edinburgh. I only got a place at the conference at the last moment.’
‘Conference?’ Taking Jamie’s seat at his desk, Roz was becoming aware of something vague beginning to trouble her at the back of her mind, but she kept her smile welcoming.
‘A nursing conference on special care right here in this very street, just along from Jamie’s office!’ Miss Drever’s eyes were shining. ‘Just right for me! I’m a staff nurse, you see. Special care is what I do and I applied straight away, but I only got in with a cancellation – no time to let Jamie know I was coming. So I thought I’d surprise him anyway. Call in this morning and get him to take me to lunch before the afternoon seminar.’
‘I’m afraid he’s out on a valuation at the moment, but he’ll be back by lunchtime. If you like, you could wait in our clients’ waiting room.’
‘Oh, that’d be very kind.’ Ella Drever jumped to her feet. ‘I’d appreciate that.’
‘I’ll take you along, then.’
‘And you’ll tell him I’m here?’
‘Of course. It will be a nice surprise for him, if you’re friends, to see you in Edinburgh.’
‘Oh, I think you could say we were friends,’ Ella replied, laughing. ‘We’re probably going to get married one of these days!’
Married. The word reverberated between them as though someone somewhere had struck a great brass gong. Married. Had she said that? Roz put out a hand and clutched the edge of Jamie’s desk, which strangely seemed to be rearing up to meet her as blood drained from her face. Was she in a dream? A play? Something where she was acting a part and Ella Drever was the star? ‘Going to get married one of these days’ she had said, but of course it wasn’t true. Couldn’t be. Couldn’t be …
‘Miss Rainey, are you all right?’ she could hear Ella calling though the mists that were closing round, and then heard nothing at all.
When she opened her eyes, it was to see her own feet in her own black shoes with little black bows, for her head was down between her knees and she was being supported by the strong hands of Ella Drever.
‘It’s all right,’ she heard her say a long way off. ‘You felt a bit faint, eh? But you’ll be fine. Think you can raise your head?’
‘I – don’t know …’
Slowly, Roz looked up to meet Ella’s concerned brown eyes and, after a moment or two, as the strong hands continued to support her, began to struggle to her feet. Oh, see, the floor was rising, she was going to fall again – but Ella was guiding her into a leather chair. As she sank into it, she felt her head begin to clear.
‘Thank you,’ she whispered, determined not to let Ella see more weakness. ‘I’m all right now. I don’t know what … came over me.’
Didn’t she? Didn’t she know that her whole world had fallen into shifting sands because of those few light words from Ella Drever?
‘I think you need a cup of tea,’ Ella was saying firmly. ‘Hot, sweet tea – is there anyone who could make it for you? That girl in Reception?’
‘Norma, yes, she’d make it – and coffee for you …’
‘Heavens, don’t worry about me! Look, you just wait here and rest and I’ll see if I can find her.’
But Ella didn’t find Norma, for as she hurried to the door, Jamie came through it. When he stopped short at the sight of her, she threw her arms around him.
‘Surprise, surprise! Oh, Jamie, lovely to see you!’
Thirty-Five
‘Ella!’
As he freed himself from her hold and looked from her to Roz, he appeared so utterly stricken, as conscious of a world collapsing as Roz herself, that she might have taken pleasure in the revenge of seeing him so – except that she was too wounded to feel anything but pain.
‘Ella, what are you doing here?’ Jamie asked hoarsely. ‘You didn’t tell me you were coming.’
‘No, as I said, it was a surprise. I’m at a nursing conference here, in this very street – got a place right out of the blue! There was no time to let you know.’
Scarcely seeming to listen, Jamie was already moving to where Roz was motionless in h
er leather chair. He looked down at her, his eyes fearfully searching her face.
‘Roz,’ he murmured, ‘you’ve met Ella, then?’ He managed a smile. ‘A friend from Kelder.’
‘Oh, yes, I’ve met Ella.’ Roz’s voice low. ‘We had a talk.’
‘A talk?’
As he grew pale, Ella moved to stand beside him.
‘Miss Rainey’s not well, Jamie. She feels a bit faint. I was just going to get her some tea.’
‘Faint?’ Jamie put his hand to his brow. ‘You felt faint, Roz?’
‘Yes, but I’m all right now.’ Her eyes resolutely not meeting his, Roz turned to Ella. ‘Miss Drever’s been so kind, helping me.’
‘Goodness, I didn’t do anything!’ Ella cried. ‘But you’re looking better now, Miss Rainey, got a wee bit of colour back. Still could do with that tea, though. You stay there and I’ll go find some.’
‘Don’t worry about it. I can have it when you go to lunch.’ Roz, dry-lipped, added, ‘With Jamie.’
‘How can we leave you?’ he asked, desperately. ‘You don’t look well. I think I should take you home.’
Her eyes, like stones, finally met his. ‘I don’t want you to,’ was all she said, but the words and the way she said them were enough to bring a mottled flush to his pale cheeks, and he turned away.
‘You should go home and rest,’ Ella told Roz, her gaze now thoughtful as it moved between Roz and Jamie. ‘You’ve maybe had a shock.’
A shock? She’d used that word? Yes, which meant – must mean – she knew or suspected all that Jamie had tried to hide from her. To many women, it would have been obvious from the start, but Roz guessed that Ella was not like many women. She would not see her sweetheart’s assistant as any sort of threat until it was made plain, and what could be plainer than the assistant collapsing as soon as she heard the word ‘marriage’? It had to happen, Roz argued to herself. Just like Roz, Ella must suffer, because of Jamie. I shall never forgive him, thought Roz. But would Ella?
‘I’ll take a taxi home,’ she announced, rising slowly to her feet. ‘Thank you, Miss Drever, for all your kindness.’
‘No need to thank me – but do call me Ella.’
‘Ella, then. I’m sorry if I’ve delayed your lunch.’
Steadfastly not looking at Jamie, Roz moved towards her office. ‘Goodbye, then.’
‘Roz!’ cried Jamie, stretching out his hand to her, but without looking at either him or his hand she went into her office and closed the door.
‘Jamie, are we going to lunch, then?’ Ella asked after a moment of him staring at Roz’s door.
‘Yes, I think we should,’ he answered at last. ‘There are – things to say.’
Her eyes wide with apprehension, she put her large, capable hand on his arm and waited, but he said no more and together they left Tarrel and Thom’s for a lunch neither of them could eat.
A short time later, Roz called for a taxi on the property department phone and, having left a scribbled note at Reception where neither Norma nor Miss Calder seemed to be around, departed for home. She had said that she felt better but, sitting in the taxi, making sure she had enough in her purse for the driver’s tip, she in fact felt much worse. As though without the effort of keeping face before Ella and Jamie she had somehow come apart, as though her strength had left her and she could scarcely face the pain that had been hers since she’d recovered from her faint.
It wasn’t just that Jamie had betrayed her, it was that he’d destroyed himself in doing so, had taken away from her all that he’d seemed to her. Where was the sweet, cheerful personality she’d loved so much? The smile, the open face, the genuine kindness in the soft brown eyes? Destroyed by the one word of his other victim: ‘Married’. Ella had thought they were to be married ‘one of these days’, when all the time … all the time …
In spite of herself, Roz couldn’t stem the tears gathering in her eyes, and when the taxi stopped at 35, Deller Street, she kept her head down as she paid the driver and hoped he wouldn’t notice. He did, though.
‘Got a nasty cold, eh?’ he asked jauntily. ‘A wee dram’s the only thing for that, believe you me!’
‘I’m sure,’ she muttered, hurrying to the front door with her key, rather wishing she might have drowned her sorrows with a far from wee dram – as though anybody could get whisky these days.
Oh, but how thankful she was to be home, especially as there was no one there, Chrissie and Ma both being at work. As she changed from her office clothes into a jumper and tweed skirt and boiled the kettle for tea, she didn’t feel better, only relieved that she could let go and give up all pretence of coping, even lie on her bed and maybe sleep.
When she’d drunk her tea and stretched out on her bed, she did in fact try to sleep, but it was no use. Her thoughts were on a treadmill, going round and round, and the pain that was heartache was just as sharp. Would be for some time to come, she told herself drearily, but then was jolted upright by the ringing of the front door bell.
Would it be Jamie, come to explain himself? No, he wouldn’t dare. Her face flushed at the thought. But supposing it was a message about Ma, or something? Slowly, she stood up and, with her hand to her throbbing head, went down to the main door to find Mrs Atkinson already there, shouting, ‘Yes? What is it?’ at the man on the doorstep. Who was, in fact, Jamie Shield.
Thirty-Six
Of course, she had to let him in. There was no way she could stand arguing with him in front of the interested eyes of Mrs Atkinson, who would already be wondering why Roz was at home during the day and who the young man she seemed about to entertain might be? And why were they not exchanging words, as Roz let him in and closed the door after him?
‘All right, Roz?’ Mrs Atkinson eagerly asked.
‘Fine, thanks, Mrs Atkinson. Mr Shield’s just called round with something about work,’ Roz answered, keeping her face averted, though she had no hope that her ravaged face would have gone unnoticed. ‘This way, Mr Shield.’
With a polite nod to Mrs Atkinson, Jamie followed Roz up the stairs to the first-floor flat, where she showed him into the living room.
‘Thank you for seeing me,’ he said, standing very still, his face, like hers, showing the effects of the ordeal of the day.
‘I had to,’ she said coldly, ‘but I don’t want to talk to you. We’ve nothing to say to each other now.’
‘That’s not true, Roz! I have to talk to you – you have to listen to me. Please, let me tell you how it was, how it’s all happened. Please, Roz. I’m not the monster you think I am!’
‘I don’t think you’re a monster, just a cheat and a sham. Someone I trusted and who let me down. And Ella, too. I wonder how she’s feeling now, at her seminar? I suppose she does know … about me?’
He lowered his eyes. ‘She knows. Knows I love you.’
‘Oh, don’t!’ Roz cried. ‘Don’t talk like that any more!’
‘You have to listen to me,’ he said doggedly. ‘At least, give me that.’
They were both silent for some moments, then Roz sighed.
‘You’d better sit down,’ she told him.
Looking away from each other as they sat apart, they were silent again, until Jamie began to speak.
‘The thing is, Roz, Ella and I have known each other all our lives. We went to the same school, our mothers are friends, and I played rugby with Ella’s brother. We were all sort of intertwined. Somehow, as we grew up, it just became accepted that we were a couple. There was no more to it than that. And when the war came and I was called up, Ella started nursing. We wrote letters and all that, but I used to wonder sometimes how things would be for us when the war was over. Turned out, they were just the same.’
He paused and shrugged a little.
‘I didn’t mind. I suppose it was what I expected, but I think now I should have asked myself, why didn’t we get married? There always seemed to be something in the way – my studies, Ella’s nursing exams – it was always going to be someday. Then
I got the job at Tarrel’s and couldn’t see her so much – she lives in at the hospital and couldn’t come up to Edinburgh.’
Turning his head, Jamie fastened his eyes on Roz’s face.
‘And, of course, at Tarrel’s, I met you. That changed everything.’
‘Are you trying to tell me that you and Ella were never really in love?’ Roz asked curtly. ‘You forget – I’ve met her. She didn’t give me the impression that she doesn’t care for you.’
‘I’m not saying she doesn’t care for me, but what you and I have, Roz, is quite different from what Ella and I had. Honestly, it is.’
‘Oh, of course, you’re in love with me, aren’t you?’ Roz’s tone was icy. ‘Well, I don’t want to hear about it because none of it was real. If it had been real you’d have told me about Ella, and you’d have told her about me. But you didn’t.’
‘I couldn’t!’ he cried. ‘I couldn’t tell you about Ella because I thought I’d lose you, and I couldn’t tell Ella about you because … I couldn’t hurt her.’
‘So you thought she cared enough for you that it would hurt her to know you’d met someone else?’
‘Yes,’ he said after a silence, as he ran his hand over his face. ‘That’s true. You’ve seen those eyes of hers – those brown eyes. So trusting. That first weekend when I went back to Kelder I thought I’d tell her, but I couldn’t do it, and then for some reason I didn’t feel so bad about it. But the next weekend, when I was with her, I felt so guilty, I knew I had to make the break. But I still never did. The whole thing was like a nightmare, Roz, just a nightmare.’ He raised appealing eyes. ‘That’s why I was what you called “down”. You kept asking me what was wrong, but what could I say?’
‘You could have told me the truth,’ she said quietly. ‘Maybe we might have had a chance, then. But it’s too late now.’
‘No, Roz, don’t say that, please. I’ve explained how it was.’
‘All I know is I don’t trust you, Jamie. I can’t.’
‘You can, Roz, you can! Something like this will never happen again, I promise you, because I’ve learned a bitter lesson.’ He grasped her hand. ‘So, you see, it’s not too late for us. We love each other, don’t we? In spite of everything, that’s still true.’