Carmen nodded. How could she have abandoned Diego?
“Did you get pregnant on purpose so Nate would marry you and you could move out?”
Carmen brought her hands to her face and sobbed. This was the worst one. “Yes. But please don’t tell Nate. Please. He’ll never forgive me.”
Mom’s face turned white.
A throat cleared on the far side of the room.
Nate stepped from the shadows. “Too late.”
“Hi, pumpkin.” Dad stroked Carmen’s head as she woke from a nap.
Tiffany, Kim, and Harper stood in front of her hospital bed, each holding two helium-filled balloons shaped like a different animal.
“What’s the big celebration?” Carmen jerked her head toward the balloons. “I don’t feel much like a party.”
“Just trying to make you feel better. Balloons always make me happy.” Harper reached her arms around her sister. “Are you okay?”
“Physically, I’m going to be fine, the doctors say. We’ll talk about the other stuff later.”
Dad looked at Mom. “Where’s Nate?”
She shrugged. “He left awhile ago.”
“He won’t be back.” Carmen pulled a pillow over her face. Why didn’t they all just leave? Couldn’t they see that the last thing she wanted to do was make conversation? She needed time to think. Cry. Pray.
Yes, pray. It was probably past time for praying. She had sure made a big mess of things trying to go it alone. She had no one to blame but herself. At least if she’d been praying all along, she and God would have had a share in the blame.
Mom slipped the strap of her purse over her shoulder. “I’m going to get some air and leave you all to your little party. But I have a few things I want to say first, and I want every one of you to hear it.”
She took a deep breath. “I’m sickened—disgusted, actually—that you people did all of this behind my back. I’m so angry that you”—she jabbed her finger at Dad and Tiffany—”didn’t respect my position as her mother enough to include me on something as grave as a pregnancy.”
Dad nodded and looked down. “You’re right. I’m really sorry, Pam.”
Mom turned to Carmen. “And I’m furious you would visit a doctor and discuss details about your pregnancy with her”—another poke at Tiffany—”instead of me. I’m angry, and I’m crushed. But most of all, I’m terrified at what’s happened to the people I’ve given my life to love. How you all could make the choices you’ve made lately”—she looked pointedly at Dad—”is beyond me.” She spun from the room and slammed the door behind her.
Say something. Someone. Anyone. The silence in the room was too much.
Hot tears squeezed from Carmen’s eyes and fell to the pillow in big droplets. “Can you guys just go? I’m not feeling very good.” Please, just leave. Don’t talk. No hugs. No lengthy goodbyes. Carmen didn’t open her eyes, but heard lots of movement going on around her. When she peeked, the door was closing. They were gone.
Carmen closed her eyes.
A slight rap sounded on the door. They’ve got to be kidding. What now? “Come in.” Just make it quick.
Nate. Oh, Nate. He came. Carmen reached a hand toward him. “Nate, I…I’m so sorry.”
“Save it.” He ignored her hand. “Listen. I am so angry and hurt, I don’t even know why I’m back here, where I waited hours for you to wake up because I was so worried about you, only to find out…” Nate whipped his head from side to side as though trying to reset an Etch A Sketch.
Should Carmen speak? Maybe it would be better to stay silent.
“I loved you. I loved you so much I chose you over my family. I thought we’d grow old together—I wanted that. I thought you did, too.”
“I did. More than anything.” Carmen’s stomach was hollow from the life ripped from within and from the dashed hope standing right before her.
“Not enough. Not enough to trust me. Not enough to let me decide for myself. You wanted things your way at any cost. And it wound up costing us everything.”
“Can you ever forgive me?” Please say yes. Please say we can keep trying. Please make another miracle happen.
“I believe one day I will forgive you enough not to hate you. But I will never be able to love you like I once did. Never.” He wiped his eyes as the tears fell.
Carmen squeezed her eyes closed. So much pain.
“I just came here to say my piece and to ask for the ring back. It’s only right.”
Oh no. She had to take off the ring. So final. Carmen lifted it in front of her face and stared at it to burn its facets into her memory. Proof she’d once been truly loved. She slipped the ring off her finger and reached it out to him. Please let our skin touch one more time. She only wanted to feel that electricity one more time.
Nate held his hand below hers and waited for her to let it fall.
Okay. Have it your way. She released the ring and watched his strong hand swallow it whole.
Done.
He gazed into her eyes for one brief moment then spun away and left. Forever.
Carmen’s throat constricted around sobs that bellowed to the surface. When they finally popped through, they wracked her body like aliens. She shook from head to toe. The only thing that offered comfort was the moans. They started in her belly and flew past her heart, escaping with some sliver of the pain on their wings.
Maybe one day they’d carry it all away.
Chapter 20
I’m sorry, Carmen, but you can’t come back home.”
Her mother stood in Carmen’s living room for the first time ever. The same room she was meant to share with Nate. The one to which he’d never return.
“Mom. You can’t be serious.” Carmen’s stomach churned. “What do you mean I can’t come back home?” How could a mother do such a thing to her own daughter after all that had happened? Carmen couldn’t stay here. Not where she and Nate had meant to be a family. She couldn’t afford the rent anyway. Was she going to have to live with Dad and Tiffany?
“Listen, I’d like nothing more than to go back to the way things were before all of this garbage of the past few months. But we can’t pretend it didn’t happen.” She shook her head. “I’m worried about you, and there are more important things at stake than just having you back at home like nothing’s changed.”
“What are you talking about?” Carmen’s heart threatened to jump out of her chest. She’d never live with Tiffany. Carmen couldn’t do it. Mom wouldn’t expect her to, would she? Was this because she was angry? Jealous?
“There are deeper issues at stake, and I can’t pretend these things didn’t happen. The reprehensible choices you’ve made…You were so desperate for a way out, you tricked your boyfriend into getting you pregnant. You moved out of our home and into an apartment with him. You’ve been involved in gang activity. People almost died. A baby did die.” Her knuckles popped one at a time as she ticked the list off on her fingers. “Not to mention all you’ve been through personally this year: a divorce, a move, a new school, a pregnancy, a miscarriage, a breakup…the list goes on and on.” Mom swiped at a stream of tears marking cracks in her foundation.
“You think I don’t know all of that?” Carmen jumped up; her chair banged on the linoleum in the dinette where she’d been sitting. “Don’t forget to add rejected by my mom to the list.” How could she? “I lose my baby, my fiancé, and my mother in the same week? Just months after I lost my dad? How could you do this to me? I thought, of everyone, you’d be the one to stand by my side.”
“I’m not rejecting you, sweetheart. I’m getting you the help you need, if you’ll take it.”
“What are you talking about? Counseling?” Carmen saw herself spending hours during the next months—make that years—camped out on a shrink’s couch.
“I’m sure counseling will be part of it. But there has to be more. Remember the group of girls who came to church awhile back?”
Alarm bells rang in Carmen’s ears. She crossed her arms
on her chest. “Which girls?”
“Come on, you know exactly what I’m talking about. The group from Diamond Estates. They gave their testimonies the first week we visited the church.”
“What about them? Didn’t you think they were a little wacko?” Anything to keep the conversation from arriving at its predictable destination.
“No, actually. I thought those girls had been through a lot and had found God’s grace and mercy on the other side. Exactly what I want for you.”
“So you’re saying I have to go there?”
“What I’m saying is, if you want to come home to live, you can only do it if you get help first. Right now Diamond Estates is the best way I can see how.” She stared at Carmen. “Or you can reject the help you need and go live with your dad.”
“Yeah, well, that’s not happening.” Not as long as Tiffany lived there.
Mom reached out a business card. “Here’s the phone number to Diamond Estates. I’ve spoken with Ben Bradley, the director. He’s happy to talk with you, but asked for you to be the one to call him.”
Ben Bradley, Director. Diamond Estates. Where the finest gems are pulled from the deepest roughs. She couldn’t go to a place like that. What would people say? How would she explain it to Kim and Harper? What about Dad? Would he think she was crazy? Or maybe he already did.
Then again, the idea of getting away held some appeal. Living far away from the whole mess. Starting over. Figuring out how to get through all the junk life had thrown at her. Help. Peace. Forgiveness. All things she desperately needed. But could she find them at Diamond Estates? Did they even exist?
“You have to be out of this apartment when?” Mom whispered.
“Thursday.” How had her life gotten so messed up?
“Thanksgiving? Well, you’re welcome at the apartment for Thanksgiving dinner, and you can spend the night if you have somewhere to be on Friday. I’ll borrow a car and drive you to the airport even. I suggest you do some thinking and praying. I’ll help you in any way I can, but ultimately, the choice has to be yours.”
“Diamond Estates, Ben Bradley speaking.”
Hang up. Just hang up. Forget the whole thing. This was sheer lunacy.
“Hello? Is anyone there?” His voice grew a bit impatient.
Now or never. “Mr. Bradley?”
“This is he. How can I help you?”
It was only a conversation. It didn’t require a commitment to anything. Speak.
“Hi. I’m Carmen Castillo. You don’t know me, but I think you spoke with my mom recently.”
“Hi, Carmen. I’m glad you called. May I just say something to you before we start talking?”
“Uh. Sure.” That was odd. She’d expected to have to carry the conversation, even to have to beg to be let into the program.
“Jesus loves you.”
The words hit her body like a warm, enveloping hug. If it had been anyone else who’d spoken those words, at any other moment in her life, she’d have laughed at the cliché. But it was time for her to hear them, even if she couldn’t quite believe them.
“Why don’t you fill me in on all that’s been going on, Carmen? Let’s see if we can’t figure something out.”
Carmen poured out every detail, every kernel of dirty truth, and every bit of her shame. She laid it bare on those phone wires to Diamond Estates. She sensed they soared through Ben Bradley’s heart and landed at the feet of Jesus as though carried on a prayer. How did she know? Carmen had no idea. It made no sense, yet it felt real.
“That’s it. The end of the story.” Broken and spilled out, Carmen exhaled.
“Ah. But you’re so wrong. No, not the end of the story. The end of the nightmare. This part is when Jesus comes in and turns the weeping into laughing. The sadness into joy. And the emptiness into fullness.”
Did he always talk like a poet? It sounded great right then. But it might be weird when life was normal. Then again, would life ever be normal again? Was it ever before? Maybe it was time to create a new normal.
“All right. So let’s see what we can do about getting you here as soon as possible.”
“I’m homeless as of Thursday. I’d like to spend Thanksgiving with my mom and sisters. So I could leave Friday. If that’s too soon, I could probably stay with my dad until you are ready for me to come if I have to.”
“Nope. Friday is a good day. We’ll book you a flight and get the information to you. Will you be able to get to the airport, or do you need us to arrange for transportation?”
“I think I’ll have a ride. Can I call you back if I don’t?” Mom might have trouble borrowing a car the day after Thanksgiving. She could ask Dad…but…
“Absolutely. Can I pray for you?”
Here we go.
“I can’t believe you’re actually doing it. You’re moving away? To Colorado? I thought it was all a big joke or something.” Harper’s lower lids filled with tears. “How can you leave us?” She sank to her knees on the carpet in front of the couch.
Mom clicked off the television.
“I have to go so I can come back and be the big sister you need me to be.” Carmen thought her heart would break at Harper’s sad little face. She’d let her sisters down at such a critical stage in their lives.
“Kim. Stay strong, okay? Don’t do something stupid like I did. Promise me.” Would Kim finally speak to her? It had been days. Thanksgiving dinner was silent. “It’s so hard to know you hate me. I love you, Kim.” Carmen turned to leave the room.
“I don’t hate you.” Kim pounded her fists on the coffee table. “I just…I don’t understand any of it. And I’m scared. And I’m mad. You were supposed to be the strong one. The smart one. Now what am I supposed to do? I needed you!”
“I know. I don’t have a lot of answers for you yet. But I’m going to get them. Can you wait? Will you keep yourself safe and out of trouble until I get back and can help you through all of this?”
Kimberley nodded.
“Do you promise me?”
Kim locked eyes with her big sister. “I mean, yeah. Fine. I’ll be good. Is that what you want to hear? I just think it’s selfish and wrong that it has to be this way.”
“It’s totally fair to feel like that, sis—to be angry. I wish it could be different. It’s just…Oh man, I’ve messed up my whole life, and I need a fresh start. Can you find a way to pray for me and want the best for me?”
“Of course I want the best for you, you big dummy. I just can’t figure out what happened to you. I guess you’re right. Maybe you do need to do this.” Kim shook her head. “I know I could never do it. No way.”
Kim was stronger than she knew. She wouldn’t have to do this because she’d never find herself in such a predicament. “Trust me. It’s not easy. But I think it may be my only chance.”
“I think I understand.”
Carmen’s shoulders sank as tension flooded away. An unfamiliar tugging of a smile tickled her face as she embraced Kim.
Harper scooted over on her knees and joined the huddle.
How long had it been since Carmen felt freedom from guilt and regret? Was that a permanent possibility, or was she sentenced to a lifetime of mourning?
Carmen pushed open a door exactly like the one she’d stared at during her own days in the hospital last week. “So when are they busting you out of here?” Would Diego be allowed to go home, or would they haul him off to jail right away?
“Hey! It’s my girlfriend. Come sit by Diego. He could use some company.”
That made two of them. Carmen slid onto the bed beside Diego and leaned her head on his shoulder. How had their friendship become so close? It seemed sort of ridiculous. Like they needed each other to get through the junk. “Seriously, though, when do you get out?”
“Oh, believe me, I’m not in any big hurry to leave the hospital. I’ll be going from here to jail. And then probably prison.”
“Yeah, I thought that might be the case.” Why did he talk normal when he wasn’t a
round his friends? Who was he pretending for? Her or them?
“So, it’s fine if they want to keep me around. The food’s better here. The nurses are way hotter than the guards.” Diego shrugged.
“Typical male.” Carmen’s nervous laugh croaked out more like a cackle.
They watched a string of dust wave from the ceiling vent across the room.
She’d been a complete stranger to him, yet he’d sacrificed so much for her and asked nothing in return. Carmen grabbed his hand. “I’m really sorry.”
“You got nothing to apologize for. If I didn’t get busted now, it would have been soon. And the next one mighta killed me.”
Carmen nodded. Probably very true.
“Okay. So what now? What happens to us?” Was there an us? Would they stay in touch and remain friends? Would Carmen have a pen pal in prison? Or should they cut their losses and say good-bye? How did something like this work?
“What happens now is you go get your life back together. You live a good one. Have a family when the time is right. Be the person you were meant to be, which is someone pretty special.” Diego smiled.
Carmen poked at a hole in the thin blanket. “What about you?”
“Me? It’ll be awhile before I have that chance, but I’d like to think it’ll come one day.”
“Diego?”
“Hmm?”
“I think you’re a big phony. I think you’re the best gangbanger actor there is, but it’s not you.” Carmen slid from the bed and took his hands. She looked into his eyes. “Listen to me. No matter what other people tell you, you are a special person. You have a lot of great qualities, and my life wouldn’t have been the same without you in it. Take that with you. Make it a part of who you are. You define who you are. Don’t let other people do it for you.”
“Word.” His eyes twinkled. “Diego gets it.”
Carmen kissed him on the cheek. “Some things never change.”
“Do you have everything you need?” Mom stood beside the open trunk of the car she’d borrowed from a Mary Kay friend to take Carmen to the airport.
Embittered Ruby Page 16