Donna took Carmen’s hand. “You have to decide.”
“How long do I have?” Were they going to kick her out?
Ben’s eyebrows narrowed. “What do you mean?”
“You’re asking if you’re going to get sent home if you can’t get this figured out?” Donna shook her head. “No. No. That’s not how it works. You could get kicked out for behavior, but not for matters of the heart, faith issues. That’s between you and God—it’s His timing. We can’t legislate the Holy Spirit by a set of rules.”
That made perfect sense. Carmen gazed out the window beside Ben’s desk. “Okay. Just give me some time then. I’ll try to get it together.”
“Great.” Ben leaned forward. “Now let’s pray.”
Oh goody.
“Hey, Mom. It’s me.” Carmen plopped on the sofa in the phone room for her weekly call home. Carmen wanted out of there, and the only way was to get through to Mom.
“Carmen! It’s great to hear your voice. I’m so glad you caught me. I was about to go out for a Mary Kay meeting.”
Shocker. “How’s business going?”
“You’re never going to believe it. I’m getting the car. I earned a car from Mary Kay. I get the award tonight.”
Carmen pulled herself up. “Seriously? Mom, that’s awesome. You must be working really hard.”
“Yeah. I am. I’ll have to keep working just as hard now, if not harder, because I’ll have to qualify with my business every month in order to keep the car. But I can do it.”
“I know you can. I’m really proud of you.” Carmen eye’s stung as she fought back tears. She never cried, but that was twice in two days. What was the deal?
“Mom? Do you think I can come home?”
“You mean for a visit?” Her voice sounded guarded.
“I mean I want to move home.”
“No.”
“What do you mean no?” Seriously?
“I mean, all the reasons why you’re there still exist. Nothing has changed except for a very little bit of time. You haven’t even been there a full six weeks.”
Carmen’s own mother wasn’t going to let her come home. “What if this place burned down? Then what would you say?”
“I don’t want to have one of these ridiculous conversations.
If it burns down, give me a call, and we’ll talk.” Mom sighed. “Look, you’re my daughter, and I love you very much. I miss you more than you could know—so do your sisters. But I love you too much to let you quit.”
That sounded rehearsed. Someone had been coaching her. Would Mom tell Ben that Carmen had tried to leave Diamond Estates? Did Carmen even care at this point?
“There are tons of people praying for you, Carmen. Just let go.”
Whatever. “I have to go.” Thanks for nothing.
Carmen hung up the phone and spun from the room. She stormed into the hallway and crashed into Ben. Had he been listening in? How rude. “I suppose you heard all of that?” Was nothing sacred? Not even phone calls home? She crossed her arms on her chest and waited.
“So you want to go home?” Ben smiled.
Carmen shrugged. “Wouldn’t you?”
“It’s a good sign, you know.”
What was he talking about? The man so rarely made sense. “What do you mean?”
“I mean this usually comes right before a breakthrough. Those feelings of wanting to give up and go back to where it was easier, where you were in control, they’re natural. You only have to be strong in the face of them and not give in. You’ll see the reward when you move past the struggle.”
What did he know about her struggle?
“That’s it. I’m so done.” Carmen pulled her pillow over her face.
Kira pried the corner of the pillow up and looked at Carmen. “Hey. What’s wrong? Why are you crying?”
“I can’t do it. I just can’t do this anymore. These people are crazy.” Sobs wracked Carmen’s body, and her throat constricted. She needed air.
“Who’s crazy, honey? What’s going on?” Kira stroked the hair away from Carmen’s eyes.
The tears kept coming. Carmen hated crying. How weak and childish. If only she could get ahold of herself. Yet the weeping continued.
“It’s going to be okay.”
“Okay? You can’t be serious,” Carmen wailed as she raised herself up on her elbows. “You’ve heard the rumors around here, I’m sure. You know what I’ve done. How I’ve hurt everyone close to me. I’ll never get over what I’ve done. Never.” She gulped.
“I tricked my boyfriend and got pregnant, convinced him to marry me, then lost the baby. And it’s not like that kind of deception has stopped since I got here. I’m right in the thick of it again. And this stupid farce of prayer time and church…I’m such a hypocrite.” But she couldn’t see any other way. She’d never be what these people wanted her to be. And she’d never come to terms with who she really was.
Kira nodded. “Yes. I’ve heard the stories. I know your past. At least some of it. So what?”
“How can you say ‘so what’?”
“Because I did it, too.”
Carmen’s breath caught in her throat. “What do you mean?”
“When I first got here, I found out I was pregnant. I didn’t want to have a baby by myself, so I decided to try to pin it on Justin.” Kira whipped her head from side to side as if disgusted with the memory. “I went after him hard. He was around a lot in those days—not so much now that Olivia is keeping him busy.”
Kira was being serious? Justin? She obviously hadn’t been successful, but what if he’d fallen for it? What if he’d actually gotten trapped in that kind of deception for the rest of his life?
Like Nate almost did.
“Anyway, I tried to seduce Justin so I could blame him for the pregnancy. If he would have had sex with me, he’d never have questioned the legitimacy of the pregnancy. But he wouldn’t have any part of it. He shot me down every time. And believe me, I gave it all I had.” Kira shook her head. “I have to admit, that was painful. I don’t think I’d ever been rejected before.”
She probably hadn’t been. That little gymnastics body, long blond hair, cute little face. Carmen shuddered at the thought of what could have happened. “Then what?”
“Then I lost the baby.” Kira shook her head. “Some people said that was divine providence. But it was such a mess. I never thought I’d get over it.”
Whoa. That even rivaled Carmen’s situation in nastiness because Justin had been a stranger to Kira. At least Carmen and Nate had been in love. For whatever that was worth. “Why are you telling me this now?”
“Because you’re at a crossroads. You’re reaching a tipping point where you’ll fall to one side or the other. You mentioned it all being a farce, that you’re a hypocrite, that these people are crazy.” Kira offered a soft smile. “I felt the same way. I hated myself for what I’d done, but I put my failures off on everyone else. As if I raised myself above them in some way, then I didn’t have to answer to them. If I could pretend that God had no interest in me, you know, wasn’t trying to get ahold of me, I wouldn’t have to face my past and make changes.”
Wow. It was like she could read Carmen’s mind. Did Carmen’s thoughts really go that far though? Kira’s story seemed a little extreme.
“Sound familiar?” Carmen shrugged. “I mean, yeah. Some of it. I don’t know.”
“Okay. I’m not going to push. I know when people pushed me, I shut down. Just think about it, okay?”
They had way more in common than Carmen had ever imagined. She nodded.
Kira winked. “Maybe pray about things if you’re feeling adventurous.”
If she heard the word pray one more time, she would have to punch someone. Maybe it would be Kira.
Dear Nellie,
It has come to my attention that everyone is crazy. Certifiable. Nutso. Even Kira. You’ll never believe what she did. Well, it was pretty much what I did, but a little worse because she wasn’t even d
ating the guy. And guess who the boy was? You guessed it, clever Nellie. Justin.
Why could Kira get herself all figured out, but it doesn’t seem like I have any hope of that at all? How can I stick around here and watch all these people have success at something that I can’t even grasp?
Something had better change in a hurry.
Love,
Carmen
Carmen jolted when she heard voices at the door. So far no one even knew Nellie existed, and Carmen would much prefer to keep it that way. She jumped from the bunk and shoved the notebook deep under her mattress just seconds before the door opened.
“Marilyn, can I please have a glass of milk?” Maybe that would settle her stomach.
“Sure, doll. You okay?”
Carmen nodded. “Yeah, I’m fine, I guess. Just having one of those days.”
Marilyn handed her a tall glass. “You okay if I go? I was headed to my room just before you came in.”
“Of course. I think I’d rather be alone anyway. Thanks for the milk.” Carmen licked off her milk moustache. The door opened behind her as Marilyn left the kitchen.
“Ahem.”
Carmen squealed and knocked her milk into the sink. She twirled around to face the intruder. She gasped. Justin.
Judging by his reddened ears and the deep lines around his eyes, Justin hadn’t come to find her for a friendly visit. Uh-oh. Act natural. “Hey, Justin. What’s up?”
“You know what’s up. Why did you lie to me about Olivia?” He looked like talking to Carmen disgusted him about as much as cleaning up vomit.
“Because I’m a liar. The better question would be, why did you believe me?”
“I didn’t believe you, but that’s not the point here. When are you going to get real with yourself? When are you going to own up to the choices you make? You want to blame everyone else…even now, with this stupid stunt you pulled.” Justin shook his head.
“What do you know about me?” Did Daddy run home and talk about secrets? Or did Justin have some kind of ESP?
“It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out that you’re on the run.”
“On the run? What are you talking about?”
“You’re running from help. Running from God. Running from yourself.” Justin shrugged. “Until you decide to be still, you’ll keep hurting other people and yourself. Until you stop running, there’s no hope for you.”
Chapter 33
What had Carmen done with that crumpled piece of paper Billy had thrown at her? She had wadded it up and shoved it in the pocket of her jeans. They hadn’t been through the wash lately, had they? Maybe she could look him up by his last name. But that wouldn’t give her his cell phone number, and there’s no way his parents would just give it out. Besides, pastors of that huge church, they probably had an unlisted number to keep the crazies at bay.
What could she do? She had to get away from Diamond Estates before she lost her mind. Too much touchy-feely. Too much internal stuff. And then Justin, of all people, telling her there was no hope for her. Talk about a final straw.
Carmen had never felt so bad about herself in her life, but she didn’t know how to fix it. She would be much happier surrounded by people who got her. Who didn’t make her feel like a failure. Who didn’t tell her she needed to pray all the time.
Ah. She found the wadded paper shoved in the back corner of her drawer. Carmen smoothed it open on the desk. How had she forgotten she’d put it there?
Now, to get out of the house without being noticed. If she carried a stuffed backpack through the halls, someone would get suspicious. If she got permission to go for a walk or a ride, she’d be required to take someone with her. That would never work.
She’d have to walk out with not much more than the clothes on her back. She could at least add a few more layers of those.
Carmen pulled off her shirt and jeans. She layered five pair of panties and tugged on two pairs of yoga pants then stepped back into her favorite jeans. She added two sweatshirts over a few graphic tees then shoved a pair of gloves in her pocket and grabbed her pouch of private papers and musings. She sure didn’t want to leave Nellie behind for other people to read.
With everyone up in the activity room thinking Carmen had another one of her bad headaches, she had a good hour to get far enough away before they started asking questions.
She crept down the hall toward the stairs. Wait a second. Carmen needed to act confident. If she bumped into anyone, she didn’t want to raise any suspicions or even draw their attention. She was walking down the hall. Nothing more.
Her hand traced over the graffiti. She’d miss that actually. Carmen had even hoped to be able to add her piece to the wall one day. She had her spot all picked out. No idea what she’d put there, but she’d hoped it would come to her at the right time. Oh well. She could probably find a bridge or an abandoned store to deface if she really wanted to. But this symbolic artwork wasn’t just graffiti for the fun of it. It had a point.
Carmen didn’t.
She reached the bottom and turned right. Picking up the pace, she made it to the far end where the coat closet hid the secret door. She stepped through the coats like Lucy Pevensie scouting through the wardrobe and felt for the handle.
There.
She gave it a slight turn, and it popped open, just like before. Now she could hurry. Carmen ran down the stairs to the next door, not bothering with the light, and into the passageway that led outside. Crouching down, she felt sweat pool in the small of her back, and the earth all around her seemed to close in. Carmen had to get outside. She scurried as best she could.
Her hand reached out and opened the door that would release her from her prison. Finally. Carmen breathed the crisp mountain air and gazed at the twinkling stars.
Roxy had been desperate to know the way out. Maybe Carmen should have left her a note. But it was too late now. Every woman for herself.
She pulled on her gloves but didn’t have much time before the sweatshirts and underclothes proved ill efficient at keeping out the cold. Now, where to go? The church might be her best bet. She’d noticed an old pay phone still hung on the gymnasium wall, reminiscent of the days before cell phones—she could use that to call Billy. Plus the pastor’s family, and therefore Billy, wouldn’t live far away from the church.
Oh, unless Billy, Sam, and Kansas had moved into their new place already. Which Carmen hoped they had. If so, she’d figure that out once she got to the pay phone and called Billy. She set off for the foot of the mountain.
What would she do for money? Hopefully they’d help her out until she got a job. She could waitress, cashier, clean. Whatever. As long as it paid enough to keep her from having to run back to Mom or Dad for help.
The mid-January cold filtered through her layers and clawed at her skin as the snow fell hard, the biting wind whipping the flakes against her exposed cheeks. Maybe Carmen should have checked the weather reports before barreling out into the elements. But no matter what, she couldn’t turn back now. She’d have to make it down the mountain before she had any hope of getting warm.
One foot in front of the other, the snow crunched beneath her feet. The steep descent brought her to lower elevation with each step, the snow pelting her face as its intensity grew. Carmen squinted to see if she could get a better view through the falling blanket. What if she couldn’t get down the mountain? She’d freeze up here. But if she kept moving forward and down the mountain, she’d make it eventually.
Carmen leaned into the wind and closed her eyes against the icy snow that pelted her face. Should she go back? It had been at least an hour since she’d left. How far had she managed to travel? Without the weather slowing her down, she’d still be at least an hour from her destination. With the storm, she might be three hours away. Could she last that long in the middle of a snowstorm and freezing temps?
It had to pass or at least lighten up soon. Maybe she should huddle up somewhere to keep from getting slammed. But what if she got
so cold she passed out? People died like that. No, probably best to keep moving.
Carmen pulled the neck of her shirt over her face to trap the warm air she breathed against her body and plodded on. If only she had her cell phone. At least she could press hard down the mountain whenever the raging snow let up for moments at a time. She’d make it. She had to.
The black night closed in around her, and the snow pressing in on all sides felt like walls. Did bears hide at times like this, or were they on the prowl even though the weather raged? Carmen guessed they didn’t want to be out in this either. But how could she know for sure? Another way research might have helped this situation. Mom had always said her impulsiveness would get her in trouble one day. Carmen didn’t have enough fingers and toes to count the times that statement had been dead-on. Now let’s hope none of those fingers or toes froze off.
Finally, with no warning, the snowy curtain parted, and the sky shone through. The snowfall continued at the higher elevation, but Carmen had broken through. Her spirit soared as she picked up the pace.
She marched down as fast as she could, her mind blank and her energy depleted. Thirty minutes later, Carmen stumbled onto the church parking lot. Would they look for her there? The thought sent her hurtling into the bushes. But they wouldn’t be able to drive the van down the mountain in the storm Carmen had just walked through. They’d have to wait until the roads were cleared.
In his twisted logic, the church would be the most likely place for Ben to look for her since it’s the only place she’d been other than the center. She’d have to hurry.
The snow covered the unplowed parking lot, and Carmen’s footprints would give her away. She’d be long gone before anyone saw the prints, but any searchers would know she’d used the phone. If it even worked—it looked ancient. Would the police be able to trace the call? Probably not if she kept it short enough.
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