“I see.” Silence. “They wouldn’t give out privileges for no reason. There would have to be a point to the call other than catching up. So what’s up?”
Like walking into the dentist’s office, knowing there would be drilling that day. Submitting to pain for the greater good. How could Carmen take that first step? How could she hurt Nate and in the process hurt herself when all she’d like to do is curl up in his arms and fall asleep?
“Nater…I think you know why I’m calling.” Please say you
do. Please don’t make me say the words.
“You’re not coming back?” Fear laced his words.
Why did he love her so much—even after all she did to him? “I don’t know about geographically, but I’m not coming back emotionally.” There. It was finished.
“Why? Don’t you love me anymore?” Nate croaked. “I don’t understand. After I forgave you and waited for you for so long…I supported you.”
“The fact that you’re going to get hurt in the process of my growth and healing stings me to the core, but I can’t go back. I just can’t.”
“We won’t go back. We’ll just move forward.”
If only it were that easy. “Being with you is going back. I can’t live my life trapped under the memories of my actions. It will darken our path forever.”
“So you’re telling me you messed up, and even though I’m willing to forgive and let go, you’re going to hold your actions against me and punish me for them? That makes absolutely no sense.”
“It’s not quite like that. But it’s time for me to make wise choices for my life. You’ll thank me someday. You need a fresh start with someone who will put you first from the very beginning.” Please say you understand. Please don’t hate me.
“I guess I get it. I don’t like it though.”
“I have to go now.” Carmen choked back a sob. “I’ll always love you, Nater.”
Dear Leila,
I’m so sorry. I can’t possibly express enough how truly sorry I am. You’ve been through so much.…The last thing I wanted to do was heap more onto your shoulders. I hope you can forgive me, though I know that doesn’t erase
anything.…If I could have one wish, I’d go back in time and never write in that stupid journal. Or I’d write only good things like this:
I miss Leila. I miss her smile and her easygoing attitude. I miss her because she was always so easy to be around. I think she’s someone I could talk to and even be friends with. I wish she’d come back.
Would you maybe consider coming back? We have a garden to plant.
Love, your friend,
Carmen
The music swelled and brought Carmen’s spirit with it. Justin leading and the worship team providing perfect harmonies, the musicians pounding out their parts, and the youth congregation on their feet praising their God.
She got it. Carmen felt the same pull to worship that she mocked in others before. It rose up from within her in response to what she’d been given. She couldn’t stay in her seat and observe for anything. Compelled to stand, Carmen reveled in the music and responded as her body guided. Slowly her hands lifted in praise to her Creator, and her heart joined in.
Someone slipped in the empty seat next to her, but Carmen was too enraptured to look. Eventually the music quieted as Justin led the group in prayer. He prayed for unity, justice, mercy, and grace. Beautiful words—but they’d become more than just words; they were gifts.
As the prayer ended and they were directed to take their seats, Carmen stole a quick peek at the seat beside her.
Billy.
She gasped and threw her arms around his neck for a quick hug. Oops. She wasn’t supposed to do that. She pulled back and settled into her seat. “I’m so glad you’re here. What’s going on?” she whispered. He looked so cute in regular jeans and a polo shirt. None of that goofy stuff he’d been wearing lately.
“You went back, so I went back.” Billy lifted his chin.
“I’m so glad.” Carmen sighed. “You’re back at your parents’?”
He nodded. “For a little over a week.”
“How about Sam?”
He shook his head. “Not yet.”
“Kansas?”
“No.”
“I’ll be praying for them.” For once, Carmen meant it.
She sat back and enjoyed Billy’s nearness through the message. Such a good friend…if only…The service ended way too soon, and the pastor was calling them to stand for prayer. Couldn’t they do one more song or have some more preaching just so she could sit next to him longer? It felt too much like good-bye.
“…Amen.” The youth pastor looked up and smiled. “Have a wonderful week. Love each other. You’re dismissed.”
Carmen stood. Billy grabbed her hand and pulled her back down.
“Is everything okay?” Where was Donna or Tammy? Carmen didn’t want to get in trouble. After all, Billy was the one she ran away with. They might not like her talking to him.
“I know you have to go. I just need to know. Are you back with that one guy, or is there a chance of something between us?”
How did she answer that? She didn’t want to hurt him. She simply didn’t know. Carmen opened her mouth.
Billy held up a hand. “Wait. So you know, that’s not why I’m back here—not at all. But it sure is on my mind a lot. I get the feeling that you don’t feel quite the same way, though.”
“I’m not back with Nate, and I do love you so much, Billy—as a friend and a brother.” Carmen smiled. “I could easily have seen something happening between us under different circumstances or maybe even in the future. But right now I have a date with God—I need some time alone in my life so He can teach me stuff. You know?” Please understand.
Billy cocked his head to one side. “You know, that’s the best let-him-down-easy approach I’ve ever heard.” He laughed. “Seriously, though, I can’t argue with that. And if, someday, God wants us to be together, I’ll be a very lucky man because you took this time alone.”
Chapter 42
Knock, knock.” Carmen chuckled. “Come on in.” Donna looked up from her desk and smiled. “Have a seat. You’ve been a busy girl these past couple of weeks. In one word, tell me, how do you feel?”
“Hmm.” Carmen gazed out the window at the pasture, where the horses were nibbling at the grass poking up through the snow. One word? Forgiven. Peaceful. Blessed. “I know.” Carmen inhaled deeply and closed her eyes. “I feel free.” “Ah. Freedom. Free from guilt?” “Yes, but more than that.” “Free from shame?”
“Well, I’m working on that one. Might take awhile.”
Donna smiled. “Fair enough. Free from what then?” “Mostly I feel free from myself and free to be myself.”
“That’s a very good way to put it. I’m writing that down.” Donna scrawled on a notepad. “I think you’re in a good place. Do you have any concerns?”
This was one of those moments when, in the past, she’d have told Donna exactly what she wanted to hear. “I don’t want to fake it anymore. I want to be authentic. So I’ll be honest about this.” Carmen sighed. “I’m terrified.”
Donna nodded. “About what exactly?”
“I’m so afraid none of these changes will last when it comes time for me to go home and reenter real life.”
“That’s a very common fear at this stage of your walk, and there are two things I want to say to that. Number one, we won’t send you off from here until you feel ready, until you’re equipped to stand strong and maintain your commitment to Christ. But more importantly, you need to know that you aren’t strong enough, and you never will be.”
Well that was a lovely thought. How could she say that? “Um. I don’t feel very encouraged.”
“No. Look here. You’ll see what I mean.” Donna opened her Bible. “Second Corinthians twelve tells us that it’s only when we are weakest we see the fullness of His strength. Those weak moments in our lives are when He can rise up and show Himself stron
g and faithful to us.”
Carmen nodded. Made sense in a backward sort of way. Which was consistent with much of what she had learned about God. He didn’t always do what she expected. But yet it held true.
“And, Carmen, realize that you’re a work in progress. You’re not going to be perfect as long as you walk this earth. So give yourself a bit of a break. Not a license to sin, but freedom to live. Rest in your forgiveness. Savor it. Don’t let your desire to earn it suck the joy right out of it. You can’t earn it. Thankfully, it’s already paid for.”
Ah. There it was. Carmen let those words roll over her.
“So what does someone have to do to add to the graffiti wall? Do I have to wait until I graduate?”
“Oh no. It’s just whenever someone has something they’d like to indelibly imprint on the walls of this place as an Ebenezer.”
“A what?” Carmen just wanted to go crazy with some spray paint and make a symbol of what she’d learned.
Donna nodded. “Yeah. It’s a great story. Israel went through a lot of trouble because of their own disobedience.”
“I can already see the connection.” Carmen smirked.
“Hold on. It gets better.” Donna grinned. “Samuel became the priest and judge, and Israel repented. After that God kept them safe. Samuel wanted a way to remind the people of how when they turned their hearts toward God, He poured blessings and safety into their lives; so he put up a large stone in the place where they began their surrender. And that Ebenezer stone remained there to remind the people of their fresh start and God’s covenant with them.”
“Wow. That is pretty cool. So can I have my turn?”
“You’re ready?”
“Yep.” Carmen stood up. “Where’s the paint? You have red, right?”
“We have every color. You’re going to do this now?” “Why not?”
“Okay. Follow me.” Donna led her to the electronics room and closed the door. There on the wall behind the door were shelves packed with all kinds of spray paints, brushes, markers, and whatever she might need to create her art.
“Take whatever you need, and then have at it. I’ll leave you to your ponderings so I don’t get in the way of your creative energy.”
“Thanks.” Carmen dropped to the floor by the metallic paint and selected ResplendentRed Glitter. Six other flat colors, and she had what she needed. She put everything in an empty cardboard box and pulled the door closed.
Should she sketch it out first? Or just go for it? As she climbed the stairs, she looked in detail at some of the others. She’d be just fine without sketching it. It would be more abstract.
She selected the wall section to the right of their bedroom door. How much room was that? Best guess…about two feet to the corner. Perfect.
First the cross. Carmen made a gradient yellow sunburst in the center of the wall canvas then added a brown slash from the floor up about four feet. Next came the cross beam from the edge of the door frame across to the corner. How did that look? She stepped back.
Good, except for…Carmen added some darker brown shading and shadows to the edges of the cross. The cross with the sun shining through it, symbolic of Christ’s love for her and her awakening to new life. Perfect.
Now for the other important lesson. Carmen stared at the wall. Come on, inspiration. What did she want to say with this part? People are people. At the cross there’s no color or status. That’s it. Unity.
Just below the cross beam, she used peach paint to spray a hand reaching out toward the cross. Then from the other door frame, she used her darkest brown to spray another hand the same way. From the bottom up, a light-brown hand. And from the top, yet another shade of brown. In the center of them all, right on top of the cross, Carmen sprayed a heart.
That’s awesome. Carmen stepped back, proud of the work, but even more proud of the internal work it took to have the right to paint that graffiti for all to see.
But she wasn’t finished yet. She grabbed the red-diamond glitter paint and added a pair of ruby slippers at the foot of the cross.
“There’s no place like home.”
Discussion Questions
1. Describe the various ways Carmen faced loss in the early chapters of this book. How did she handle it?
2. What prejudice does Carmen experience that is directed toward her? Does she see it clearly?
3. How did she land on a slippery slope of sin? What happened?
4. Once she realized what she was doing, how could she have stopped it? Would it have been better to prevent it completely? How could she have done that?
5. What was the final event or catalyst that led her to seek help at Diamond Estates? Do you think that was the right choice at that time? Why or why not?
6. In her first few weeks there, was Carmen open to the guidance she received at Diamond Estates? How do you know?
7. What led her to run away? What was she seeking?
8. When she ran away, was she farther from God than before she arrived at Diamond Estates or closer?
9. During the course of the entire book, what prejudices does Carmen direct toward others? How does she come to face the truth about herself?
10. How many ways can you identify prejudice in The Embittered Ruby? How about in your own life?
11. What does God say about His love for people of different ethnicities, social statuses, body types, and income levels?
12. What is the overarching message of The Embittered Ruby?
A Sneak Peek into the next book of the DIAMOND ESTATE SERIES.
THE SHADOWED ONYX
Chapter 1
Are there any spirits in this room with us?” Joy Christianson stared at Raven, her face glowing in the candlelight from the black tapers to either side of the game board on the floor between them. Raven’s eyes drifted shut, and her fingers danced atop the same wooden triangle that lay motionless beneath Joy’s.
The tallest candle flickered, casting a somber spotlight, illuminating the letters that would spell messages from beyond. The flame bent to the left as though a birthday child begged for a wish.
Peeling her gaze from the candle, Joy followed her new friend’s instructions and squeezed her eyes shut, leaning back against the bed. It was Raven’s house after all. Her house, her rules.
The game piece—that’s all it was, right?—trembled and then slithered across the Ouija board. Joy’s eyes snapped open, and she jerked back. “Very funny, Raven.” Joy inched away as though gnarled fingers would reach from underneath, grab her ankles, and pull her to the great beyond. “I don’t even believe in this stuff.” She slid her hands under her legs. No way she’d put them back on that thing.
Raven raised one eyebrow and cocked her head. “Oh? You don’t, huh? Then I don’t suppose that’s your heartbeat I can practically hear all the way over here? What about the rapid breathing and”—she yanked on Joy’s arm and inspected her hand—“sweaty palms?” She returned to the ready position and waited. “People aren’t usually scared of things they don’t believe in.”
Something was out there. Beyond reality. Joy could feel it in her bones. But did she want to communicate with whatever—whoever—it was? “I don’t know Ray. I…I might not be ready for something like this. Besides, it’s just a game.”
“It is so not just a game.” Raven shrugged. “You can think that if you want to. But then you might as well play if it’s only for fun.”
Okay, now what? Joy could play along and pretend she didn’t believe in it, or she could admit her terror and leave Raven’s house immediately. The whole Ouija board thing was probably totally fake, but then why the shivers, and most importantly, why did that thing move?
Perfectly explainable. The shivers were simply a product of her own nervousness, and the triangle thingy moved because Raven pushed it on purpose.
Raven flipped her dark brown hair behind her shoulder, though the top layers fell in front of her pale face like a dark curtain. She placed her fingers on the triangle’s wooden edg
e and tipped her chin toward Joy. “Come on. What are you waiting for? There’s activity here, and I’m going to prove it to you.”
“What are you saying? You think there are ghosts or…what?”
One corner of Raven’s mouth curled up. “Or something like that. Let’s go.”
Joy pushed the sleeves of her fuzzy pink sweater up to her elbows and gathered her long hair into a ponytail, rolling a hair tie from her wrist to secure it out of her face.
Deep breath. Only a game.
Reaching her hands toward Raven’s, Joy barely let her fingertips rest in position. Her bright pink nails glared a contrast to Raven’s black ones just inches away. The candle teased the big black stone in Raven’s skull ring with glints of light. Joy trembled.
“Oh great sprit here tonight, will you identify yourself to us, please?” Raven slowly opened her eyes and gazed into the dancing candle flame nearest the door.
Joy begged her muscles to lift her fingers from the game, but she couldn’t move. What if something were there? What if—
Joy’s fingers jerked an inch and then gently glided along the game board as the triangle headed toward a letter. Raven, again? Or did something more sinister propel it? She stared at the fingertips across from hers. They didn’t appear to be applying any pressure to the planchette at all. Yet it continued to move.
“We mean no harm. Who is with us here?” Raven’s voice sounded strange. Calm. Gravelly.
The bedroom door stood open only a few feet away, letting a bit of a glow into the dark room from a nightlight near the hallway bathroom. Joy could make a mad dash, but she’d have to jump over the candles and the game to get to the door. And then what? She’d be out in the strange, empty house with all the worked up spirits while Raven stayed back and made friends with the nice ones? No thanks.
The glass part of the triangle stopped over a letter.
“M,” Raven whispered.
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