These Are My Confessions

by Robinson, Cheryl; Smith, Meta; King, Joy; Parks, Electa Rome

  “It’s good.”

  “Well, you’re not eating like it’s good. You are barely touching your food. We’ve got to get those pounds back on you.”

  “Yes, Mother.”

  “Men don’t like twigs. A sistah got to have some meat to hold onto.”

  “Yes, Mother. I hear you, Mother.”

  Taylor gave me this look like she wanted to say something but then stopped.

  After taking a long lunch, I was actually feeling better. Taylor is good for me. She had me cracking up with her antics and good nature. At one point she was feeding me pieces of my grilled chicken Caesar salad with her fork.

  “Come on, open up. Here comes the choo choo. Oh, I forgot to ask you, how’s your Coke?”

  “Delicious, ice cold, and packed full of caffeine.”

  “Good. Well, let’s make a toast to Drake.”

  We held our glasses up and clicked. Taylor had witnessed Drake’s tirades on me drinking Cokes. I’d come to realize it wasn’t an issue of my health; it was an issue of control with Drake.

  “Good riddance.”

  “Ditto.”

  We were laughing our heads off. Being silly. It felt good to laugh. In passing, our waiter asked if we’d slipped some liquor into our cherry sodas. We giggled some more. But like they say, all good things must come to an end. I glanced down at my watch and realized I had overstayed my lunch hour, and my desk held tons of paperwork that was calling my name.

  Suddenly, I noticed the atmosphere at our table had changed. It became ice cold. I looked up at Taylor and saw her staring toward the entrance. Since my back was to the door, I turned in my seat to see what had stolen her attention and evidently her good mood as well.

  I froze and my hands literally started shaking as Drake’s eyes met mine. I could see the familiar specks of green dancing in his pupils. Taylor sensed my immediate distress.

  “Calm down, Kennedy. Be cool. We can leave,” she whispered between clenched teeth.

  “Yeah, let’s go. Now,” I barely muttered.

  “Shit. His ass showing up made me miss getting my slice of cheesecake,” Taylor nearly screamed in anger.

  As she attempted to pay the check and leave a tip, Drake approached our table with a huge smirk on his face. He was looking as handsome as ever in his gray pin-striped suit, and it looked like he had gotten some sun because his skin tone was radiant. He didn’t look like a man who was pining over his woman or the loss of a doomed relationship.

  “Hello, ladies. You two are a sight for sore eyes. Two beautiful ladies at one table.”

  Taylor answered. “I wish I could say the same because my eyes have seen enough.”

  “Taylor, how are you? Good to see you too,” he said sarcastically. “I see your attitude hasn’t changed.”

  “No. Still not willing to let you treat me like a second-class citizen.”

  Drake ignored her and directed his full attention on me.

  “Happy Valentine’s Day, Kennedy. I started to send you some flowers, but then I remembered how you kicked me to the curb. You and I must talk,” he stated, reaching over to touch my left shoulder.

  “Don’t! Don’t touch me! Don’t you ever place your hands on me again!” I managed to utter through clenched teeth as I pulled away.

  “You heard the lady!” Taylor screamed, pushing Drake out of the way and making her way from our table.

  Following her, I sideswiped people in my path and was almost out the front door when I barely heard Drake call out, “Kennedy, we will talk. You can’t run from me forever.” When I glanced back, our waiter and Drake were staring at us. There was amusement on Drake’s face and disbelief on our waiter’s.

  On our walk back to my building, Taylor managed to calm me down a little.

  “K, don’t give that man your power. I don’t know what went down with you guys, but Drake is obviously getting joy out of your pain. Don’t let him. Don’t give him the satisfaction.”

  “All I did was love that man. That’s all.”

  “I know, sweetie, but sometimes love isn’t enough. He’ll miss you one day. He’ll realize what he lost in you, and you’ll understand what you have to offer a real man. In time your heart will heal and you won’t feel so sad.”

  We made it back to the front of my building, and all I wanted to do was walk the two blocks to my car and drive home.

  “Listen, K,” Taylor said. “Call me if you need me. I have a two o’clock meeting, but I should be at my desk after three o’clock, no later than three-fifteen.”

  “I will.”

  “I mean it. Call me.”

  “Thanks for lunch.”

  “K, you are gonna be all right. Time heals all wounds. That and a new man with a big dick.” She laughed. I didn’t.

  As I headed into the building, I didn’t look back. I tried to walk tall and confident. If I turned around, Taylor would see the beginnings of tears forming in my eyes. I didn’t want her to see how weak I was. I used the ride up in the elevator to mentally compose myself. I somehow made it through work for the rest of the day and managed to make it safe and sound through rush hour traffic. All I could think about was my bed; it was my single focus. As soon as I entered my apartment, I left a track of clothes down the hallway. I stayed up long enough to write an entry in my journal before I was in bed with the covers pulled tightly over my head. I wrote:

  Dear Journal,

  Today was not a very good day. In fact, today was one of the worst in a while. When I saw Drake at Mick’s, I wanted to die again. With him standing there, gloating down at me, I felt smaller than minuscule. I hate that man. I despise him so much. What does he want to talk about? There’s nothing more to say. We are history, kaput, done! After what he did, there’s nothing more to discuss. I hate him for that.

  Happy Valentine’s Day. Yeah, right.

  I recalled another holiday season. It’s amazing how a day that started out so normal would turn into my worst nightmare. It was a few days before New Year’s Day, a Friday night, and Drake and I had attended a post-Christmas party with some of his friends. I swear, the man had been in

  Atlanta only briefly, yet he had more friends than I did, and

  I had lived here all my life. People were naturally drawn to him.

  Drake and I had a great time. It was a small, intimate affair. There were about six couples total and we sat around and sipped wine, ate delicious food, played board games, and talked. A real low-key event; just my speed. Drake was very relaxed and especially attentive to my needs.

  I drank a bit too much, which was anything over two glasses, but I’d noticed that whenever I was with Drake, he encouraged me to let loose. I knew if I were with him, he’d take care of me and not let anything horrible happen.

  I truly enjoyed myself, and no one could have told me that would be the last time Drake and I were together as a couple. We laughed, we cuddled, and we kissed under the live mistletoe. It was a magical evening, and there were even a few snow flurries in the crisp air that added to the magical spell. We left the party around midnight and I convinced him to drive around to look at Christmas lights and decorations before they were taken down.

  Drake and I drove around, listened to Christmas music on the radio, laughed and had a great time in the sanctity of his car. It was like it was just he and I in our own little world. We sipped on some hot cider, taken from the party, that was laced with liquor, and I was feeling no pain. I was buzzed, but I didn’t care. I felt free and in love. I knew Drake had his imperfections, but I knew he’d change for me. Love could do that…change a person. It was almost a new year, with new beginnings.

  We arrived back at my apartment a little after one A.M. The apartment was nice and cozy. Without turning on the lights in the living room, I asked Drake to turn on the Christmas lights on my tree while I took a hot shower. I wanted to slip into something sexy, this Frederick’s of Hollywood outfit I’d purchased complete with Santa boots. It was Drake’s last present that he had to open. Ho! H
o! Ho!

  After I couldn’t convince him to join me in the shower, I slipped in alone. I turned the water to as hot as I could stand it and placed my face under the shower head and enjoyed the feel of the water streaming down my face. I relived our night together and smiled because it wasn’t over yet.

  I vaguely heard Drake rambling around in the bedroom and kitchen. He had said that he was going to get the rest of the champagne out of the fridge. We had a leftover bottle from a few days earlier that he’d spent an enormous amount of money on. I stepped out of the shower, layered myself with body lotion and spritz, and slipped on my sexy lingerie. I pinned my hair up on top of my head, pulled on my black and red Santa boot slippers, and walked back into the bedroom.

  Drake was already under the covers, completely nude and waiting for me. He reached out his hand, pulled back the covers, and I slipped under after tossing my boots to the floor.

  “You are so beautiful. You know that,” he stated, propped up on his elbows, caressing my cheek.

  “You are too.”

  He gave me a funny look.

  “What? Men can’t be beautiful. Well, you are, babe.”

  “I think you have definitely had too much to drink,” he declared.

  “You think so?”

  “I know so,” he said, pulling down my red spaghetti strap and pouring some chilled champagne, from the nightstand, on my nipples.

  He proceeded to lick it off, and I proceeded to melt.

  “Oh, you like that, huh, Miss Claus?” he asked, searching between my legs to see if I was ready.

  I nodded my head.

  “Well, Santa has more where that came from.”

  “Oh really?”

  “Have you been a naughty girl? Or a good girl?”

  “Good.”

  “Come here. We’ll have to correct that.” Drake flipped me over on my stomach and discarded my gown. So much for the $125 I’d spent. He poured champagne in the arch of my back and proceeded to lick and suck it off, all the way down to my buttocks.

  That night it was all about me. Drake pleased me from the tip of my toes to the top of my head, and I got to ride his reindeer. Afterward, we lay wrapped in each other’s arms with our legs entwined. I let out a pleased, satisfied sigh.

  “I could get used to this, babe.”

  Drake had his eyes closed and his arms wrapped protectively around me.

  Silence.

  “Did you hear what I said?”

  “Shhh. Just relax. Go to sleep,” he murmured in a drowsy voice.

  Cradled in his arms, the man I loved, I did just that. I dosed off into a peaceful, dream-filled sleep while visions of family, children, and marriage danced through my head. In my sleep-induced state, I vaguely remember Drake getting up to go to the restroom. He was soon back, claiming his rightful spot. Nestled next to me. I quickly dosed back off.

  I don’t know how much time passed; I was disoriented and shrouded in the throes of deep slumber. I felt Drake gently nudging me and kissing my neck. His hardness pressed against me.

  “Babe, go back to sleep,” I whispered, reaching behind me to stroke his cheek.

  Drake didn’t say anything. He continued to spoon with me and caress my breasts. As usual, he knew my nipples were one of my weak spots. He started playing with them, squeezing them between his thumb and forefinger, and I started moaning. Sleep was quickly slipping away. We were still naked from earlier, and I felt the heat rise from his body. I reached back to stroke his erection.

  “Oh, I thought you’d like that. I see Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer is awake and ready to drive his sleigh,” I teased.

  I still had my eyes closed as I continued to stroke him up and down. Fast and then slow. Just like he liked. At some point Drake reached around and inserted three of his fingers inside me. I was already wet and very excited. I turned on my back and spread my legs wider so he could continue to do what he was doing so well. My hand pressed down on his to encourage him not to stop.

  I wanted him then. He could forget foreplay. I needed to feel him inside me, again. Drake had other ideas, because when I tried to mount him, he stopped me and pulled my head down near his lap. Through the darkness of the room, he looked at me and smiled. I knew what he wanted. I went to work with a passion. I licked, sucked, squeezed, and sucked some more. Taking it all in. I’d glance up and see him trying to hold his moans in.

  “That’s enough for you, you greedy boy,” I joked, coming up for air. “It’s time for you to eat your supper,” I teased.

  Through the eerie shadows of my room, Drake looked at me with this strange glow in his eyes.

  “Come on babe, go down on me. You know I love that.”

  Drake went to work; it was his best performance ever. The man had a true talent for going downtown. When I was on the verge of coming, I pushed him off me. I wanted to feel that delicious dick inside me before I came.

  Drake was more than ready to oblige. He eased me onto all fours and slowly eased himself inside me. I was taken back for a moment because he felt larger or wider or something that I couldn’t quite put my finger on. His thrusts felt like they were coming out my stomach. They had never felt that way before, and he smelled different too. I assumed it was the new cologne he had purchased at Belk’s.

  “Oh, babe. You feel so good.”

  Drake didn’t say anything. He continued to ram me with no mercy. His fingers were clawing at my breasts.

  “Babe, slow down. There’s more where this came from. Quit being so greedy.”

  I looked back, and Drake had his undivided attention focused on the task at hand. By now he was usually saying all kinds of nasty shit to me. He loved to talk dirty to me during sex. Instead of turning me off, I’d get super hot. I was pretty verbal now myself, and initially that surprised me, but Drake preferred it that way. That early morning, he was uncharacteristically quiet. Too silent. All I heard from him was his heavy panting.

  “Oh babe, your dick is making my pussy feel sooo good. You’ve got me so hot.”

  He was still ramming me with no sign of slowing down.

  “That’s right. Take what’s yours. Oh God! You’ve got me coming! I’mmmmm coming, babe!”

  We both came at the same time in hard, forceful, spastic shudders. I felt him shoot hot squirts up inside me. At the exact moment that was happening, I heard a cell phone go off in my closet.

  Without an ounce of energy left, I collapsed down on the bed. At first I thought I was imagining things. I dismissed the sound. But then I heard movement.

  “What? What is that? Did you hear that,” I asked, crouching on my bed, ready to flee.

  Sprawled out on the bed, Drake looked at me in surprise and stared at the closed closet door. Then the door swung wide open and there stood Drake. I looked from one to the other in amazement. There were two Drakes.

  “What the hell?” I said, jumping up and trying to hide my nakedness.

  Then Drake spoke. The one from the closet entrance. “Calm down, Kennedy.”

  “What do you mean calm down?” I asked, glancing from him to the Drake on the bed. The one on the bed whose dick was now erect and pointing wickedly at me. “Drake, what’s going on?” By now I was crying as the realization of what had occurred was slowly sinking in.

  The Drake from the closet closed the gap between us.

  “That’s my identical twin brother, Blake,” he said, pointing to the man now hurriedly pulling on his pants.

  “What? Your twin? You let your twin brother fuck me? You bastard! I can’t believe this! My God, you’re sick!”

  “Calm down, Kennedy!” Drake was saying, walking toward me with outstretched hands…

  The Confrontation…

  Monday morning came before I knew it or was ready for it. I absolutely hate Monday mornings. They are a constant reminder that I’m a slave to corporate America for at least the next five days. Ugh.

  I awoke sweaty and tangled in my sheets, with my comforter on the floor. I had tossed and turned al
l night in my lonely apartment. Every sound was elevated tenfold. I witnessed every creak and groan of the walls settling. I heard my upstairs neighbor when he arrived home and attended to various household duties. I swear the man is a night owl or a vampire. Who vacuums at ten o’clock at night? Faintly, I could even pick up traffic sounds two streets over, on a major bypass. Around six o’clock A.M., just as I was finally dosing off into a deep, restless sleep, the alarm clock blazed me awake. I lay there for another ten minutes, unable to move the few feet to my bathroom.

  I felt horrible, and I didn’t look any better, with the heavy, puffy bags concentrated under my eyes. I didn’t feel like going into work, but if I didn’t, I knew I’d mope around the apartment all day. For some reason, I was afraid to be alone with my random thoughts. So, off to work I went, grumpy and all. If I had known what was coming, I would have stayed at home, in bed.

  Around nine o’clock, after I’d finished off my first can of soda, I felt much better. I could feel the caffeine and sugar surging through my veins giving me an instant high. It gave me renewed energy to tackle the never-ending phone calls and pile of work sitting on my desk. In need of a diversion from my issues, I dove in.