These Are My Confessions

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“If you didn’t know that was game, shame on you,” Melony said, shaking her head. “I’m so glad I don’t have to worry about that shit. I’ve never been treated like that, and I would never treat a woman like that.”

  “Man,” I said, correcting her.

  “What, sweetie?”

  “You said woman, and I was just correcting you with what you meant to say…you’d never treat a man like that.”

  Several of the other women in the room began laughing. “No, she said what she meant to say,” my sister said.

  “That’s right, I meant to say woman. I don’t date men,” Melony said.

  “Oh, I see.”

  “Well, was the sex at least good?” my sister asked. “Shit, was he at least strapped?”

  “Yeah, he was strapped…financially. Owed child support from a previous marriage and everybody else.”

  “So the sex wasn’t even good,” Melony said, still shaking her head.

  “I didn’t say that the sex wasn’t good, because I’d be lying if I said all that. It was damn good and he was big enough for me. I mean he wasn’t strapped, but he wasn’t itty bitty either. But I know one thing, though—he was a little too much into anal sex for my taste.”

  Melony started laughing. “That’s because he was probably bi.”

  “No…no…no,” my sister said, “there are a lot of men that like that.”

  “Listen,” Melony said, “it’s nothing like some pussy. I don’t get with a woman and ask her to strap on a dick. When I strap on a dick, that’s because I’m with a woman who is bi and she needs that to achieve her climax. If you’re with a so-called straight man and he’s always trying to poke you in the other hole, he’s a bisexual, and I’m not debating that shit with anyone because I know too much about that. He may not have ever been with a man…may not even know that’s why he wants it so much, but I guarantee you, you get that punk behind closed doors with one of my gay male friends, and when they stick their ass in his face, guess what he’s going to stick in their ass?”

  “Oh, my,” I said.

  “That’s right, oh, my,” Melony said. “I mean, Karen, you can’t be mad at that man, because deep down you knew what he was about from day one. As far as a man cheating on you, a man who isn’t married isn’t cheating. I don’t even care if he’s living with someone. You have to know what’s out there. Sex is plentiful. Cheating is abundant. Pick yourself up, brush your shoulders off, and keep it movin’.”

  “Yeah,” my sister said, “instead of looking for a man you can get into a relationship with, look for a man you can have great sex with. A man who can fill you up. How long it is really doesn’t matter. Just as long as it’s fat. The thicker his shaft, the better the sex will be. Trust me. And don’t have him top it off with a big head too, girl, please. Why do you think I’m with Tony?”

  “Personally, I believe that it all boils down to not just the man’s size, but how it’s shaped,” Karen said. “I have a preference for a penis shaped like a lollipop. You know what I’m talking about. You have a big knob for the head and a thinner shaft. That’s the perfect shape for sucking.”

  I looked over at Melony, who had just turned up her nose and shook her head.

  “See, I’m the opposite of you,” another woman said, “because I like the ones where that head is a little smaller than the shaft because, I’ll admit it, I’m one of those naughty girls that like to be poked in that other hole, my little brown eye, and that’s when a small head comes in handy.”

  I was trying my best to stop staring over at Melony, whose nose couldn’t stop twitching from disgust of what the other ladies were saying, but it was difficult because I assumed that a woman who was a lesbian would look, act, and dress like a man. But Black Exotica and Melony were two very attractive and feminine females, so my perception was all wrong, and it freaked me out. The other reason I found myself looking over at Melony was because I could feel her eyes climbing my bare legs before stopping at my plunging neckline.

  “Okay, I have a question,” Melony said, standing with a glass of wine in her hand. “How many of you have been with a woman? Raise your hand.”

  No hands went up, but I was tempted to raise mine and then explain that even though I’d been with a woman, it had only been once and I didn’t take it as far as it could go. But I couldn’t say much since my sister was there.

  “It’s obvious you didn’t read the book,” my sister said to Melony, “but did you at least read the back cover? The author’s not talking about women. This book is about men. Men with big dicks. It got me so hot while I was reading last night that now I’m ready to go to the strip club and feel on some. I brought my dollars with me.” My sister pulled out a bank envelope stuffed with one dollar bills.

  “We’re getting ready to go to the club now,” a woman named Belinda said.

  “I’m not going,” Melony said, then sat back down. “I wouldn’t waste my dollars on some dicks.”

  “Just come on,” my sister said as she stood and snatched up Melony. “You’re going. We’re all going. I can’t wait to see Miami Splash, Black Thunder, Hardcore, Sexy L, Orgazm, Hurricane, Flight 69, Playboy, Just Enuff, Mr. Biggs—”

  “Damn, just say that you know them all,” Karen said. “You must be a regular. Does Tony know about that?”

  “Let’s just say I’ve been to my fair share of bachelorette parties. And if you want to talk about men who are strapped…you’ll get an eyeful in there, especially if it still becomes all nude after midnight. Oh, and grab a few bottles of wine because it might still be BYOB.”

  I’d never been to a male strip club before…well, once before, but it was so long ago that I couldn’t remember much. There was definitely a difference with how men behaved at a strip club versus women. The women were actually louder when the acts came on stage, and they were more aggressive with touching the dancers. I never thought I could get personally wrapped up into watching men strip, but after a couple of drinks and a few overly inflated G-strings flopping in my face, I lost it, especially when they started taking it all off.

  One of the dancers came to our table and started giving me a lap dance. He stood in front of me flapping his red elephant G-string in my face, and before I knew what had come over me, I’d grabbed hold of his long trunk and didn’t want to let go. I placed a ten dollar bill between the string that was flossing the crack of his ass, and if not for the fact that Melony had started to squeeze my thigh under the table, I probably would have rubbed on his big round ass, but she’d shocked me still. I tried to move her hand away, but her grip was too tight.

  “What are you doing?” I asked her.

  She leaned over and whispered in my ear, “I’m not interested in what’s going on in here.” I looked at the other ladies, who were too focused on the dancers to pay Melony and me any mind. “I’m more interested about what’s going on in here,” she said as she slid her hand under my dress and inside my thong. I gasped loudly. That’s when all of the ladies at our large table turned to look over at me.

  “What’s wrong?” a few asked in unison.

  Melony discreetly snatched her hand away.

  “Look at the size of Mr. Biggs,” I said, trying to play it off. They all turned back toward the dancers. I rolled my eyes at Melony.

  I won’t tell, she mouthed.

  I turned my chair away from her and started waving my dollars in the air so the men would come my way, and a couple of them did. Several minutes later, when I looked back in Melony’s direction, she was gone.

  Swingers

  After being in Dallas for a couple weeks, my patience level was at an all-time low. I’d see them on the street—attractive men that I wanted to get with. But I had no idea how to go about meeting them. Maybe if I was into flirting, but I wasn’t; in fact, I could barely make eye contact. I’d gone online and met a few male friends that I chatted with. One man, named Lester, I’d given my number and we talked every day, but I wasn’t interested in meeting him. Something about him and hi
s name seemed creepy.

  My sister said that a lot of her friends had met men in grocery stores, so I decided why not see if the same could happen to me. I drove downtown to Urban Market and walked around for a little less than an hour before I met a man in the frozen foods section. I was wearing a white T-shirt, but even with my black bra, you could still see my nipples protruding, especially after I opened the freezer door and they became frozen stiff.

  “You look cold,” the man said as I closed the door. He was slender, so light he was almost white, with red low-cut hair and deep dimples. Above average looking, but far from the drop dead gorgeous men I’d seen in Dallas. Besides, I wasn’t much for yellow men.

  I placed the pot pie in my basket. “I’m actually hot,” my ultra-sexy alter ego said.

  “Are you?” He extended his hand. “I’m Bates.”

  “Is your first name Master?” I said with a giggle. “It was a joke.”

  “Oh,” he said as he put his hand down before I could shake it.

  “I’m Alexis. Nice to meet you.”

  After a few minutes of small talk, we exchanged numbers, and by that evening he was already calling me. He seemed like a normal guy, so I agreed to meet him at a get-together in Deep Ellum. The street leading to the warehouse where the get-together was being held was packed with cars all moving at a snail’s pace. Bates had given me the code for the underground garage structure that was attached to the building where the party was. I could see the building less than a block ahead of me, but I wondered how long it would take me to make my way over there. Twenty minutes later I was punching in the five-digit code, with Bates in the car directly behind me.

  I parked and waited for him by the elevator. I noticed several people with half masks and long trench coats walk onto the elevator. The women were all wearing high heels, and most of the men had on hiking boots.

  “Is this a masquerade party?” I asked Bates as he walked up to me.

  “Not really, but most people prefer to partially cover their faces,” he said as he handed me a black half-face mask.

  “Why do I need to wear this? What’s really going on?”

  “Nothing, as long as you have an open mind.”

  “Why do I need one of those?”

  “This is Dallas, and in this city you can find almost anything you want.”

  “All I’m trying to find is a man with a big dick.”

  “And that’s all I’m trying to find.”

  “What?” I said, convincing myself that I couldn’t have heard what I thought I had.

  “There’ll be plenty of those upstairs.”

  The elevator door opened and we walked inside. He pressed the button to the top floor. “I know I told you a lot about myself over the phone, but what I didn’t tell you is that I’m a swinger.”

  “A what?”

  “A swinger. I’m into group sex. I don’t sexually hold myself back from too much of anything.”

  “But you’re black.”

  “There a lot of black swingers, baby.”

  “So this get-together is for swingers?”

  “Yes,” he said, and seemed to grow impatient.

  “Wait, you can’t just spring something like this on me and expect me to be all down for it. How did you get into this? How do you all find each other?”

  “The Internet. That’s how I got connected. Relax, everything’s going to be fine. I’m sure you’re going to enjoy yourself.”

  I shook my head. “This is too freaky for me. I’m not into all that. Don’t you worry about diseases? I mean, I am looking for a man with a big dick, but not one he’s been swinging all over town.”

  “Just go inside and judge for yourself. The beauty for you is that nobody in there knows you and you’re not from here.”

  He was right, and that was the whole point of this summer to sexually explore, but swinging?

  The elevator stopped and the door opened. “Put on your mask. And don’t be frightened. Just be open,” When we walked through the door, there were two big burly men standing behind it. “You’ll need to take off your clothes so they can check you.”

  “Check me for what?”

  “You have to be naked in here. They want to make sure that no one is hiding cameras. None of us want to end up on a Dateline or 20/20 special,” Bates said as he started to undress. “And besides, you don’t need to be dressed for what goes on in here.”

  One of the men started searching Bates, but he was stroking his dick a little too long, and judging by how hard he’d gotten, it was turning him on. Next thing I knew, the body checker got on his knees and put Bates’s dick in his mouth and started sucking it like his life was depending on it. Bates extended his arms out and started grabbing hold of the wall.

  “You need to get undressed, sweetie,” my body checker said to me as I stood in shock, watching the other body checker continue to perform oral sex on Bates. “Take it all off.”

  I unbuttoned my blouse while I watched Bates begin pounding his dick inside that big burly man’s ass. Made me think about what Melony said at the book club meeting about gay men. I was nervous when I stripped down to my birthday suit. Nervous, as I stood in front of my body checker trying not to eye him as he rubbed his hands over my silhouette.

  “You’re not hiding anything in here, are you?” he said as he rubbed the light fuzz on my pussy.

  “No, I’m not,” I said as I jerked his hand away from me. Then I walked to a dark corner in the house so I could observe and hopefully not be forced to participate.

  A man came up to me—a man who had just finished slipping off a rubber after having sex with some other woman—and for his introduction, he rubbed his stiff dick on my thigh. This wasn’t right. Not the kind of scene I was into. I wanted to explore, but not with a house full of freaks. “Let’s fuck,” he said to me.

  “No, I don’t want to,” I said firmly.

  “Isn’t that what you’re here for?”

  “You just finished doing that other woman. Why would you think I’d now want you?”

  “Well, in case you haven’t noticed, that’s what we’re all in here doing.” He tried moving his dick from my thigh to my pussy.

  “Get off of me,” I said as I pushed him away.

  I moved to another corner. Now, I was standing beside a man who was sitting on an ottoman jacking off with a red spotlight shining on him, while a very thin, blond white woman danced in front of him. He took my hand and squeezed it while he climaxed. I couldn’t do this. I didn’t bother to find Bates to tell him I was leaving, I just left.

  The next night, while my sister was at work, I did a Google search, typed in swingers and Dallas, and came up with a site that was full of thousands of posts. From the search results I found a sex site that announced: ENTER THE WORLD OF ANONYMOUS SEX. But it wasn’t too anonymous because many of them included their picture. I started to put up my own profile, but decided instead to reply to a few. I wasn’t looking for much. I just wanted to be fulfilled by one man, if possible. Hopefully someone would respond. Someone I could have my summer fling with.

  Nice-N-Wet Looking for a Girlfriend to Play With

  A few men responded to me from the Web site, but when I logged back on, I kept clicking on the women seeking women category. I had to get whatever had entered my system out so I could focus on my mission at hand, which was to have fun with some men who were strapped. There were plenty of them on the site, but first I needed to fulfill a fantasy that I’d never known existed before my encounter with Black Exotica, and that was to be with a woman. There were two pages of ads and over two dozen women with pictures showing off their best assets.

  I was torn between Nice-N-Wet, who was the same age as me, thirty-one, and lived in Cedar Hill, which wasn’t too far from my sister. Her ad read:

  I’m looking to meet an attractive female for a serious relationship. I’m very ladylike and I wish to find a woman who is the same. I have my own place and all the essentials. I’m professionally employ
ed with no kids or responsibilities other than pleasing me and the woman who I decide to let enter my life. I’m tired of men so you need not continue to respond hoping you’ll change my mind. I have a preference for a woman with a big fat ass like mine and long hair, no weaves please and no strippers.

  The other ad had the heading, LOOKING FOR A GIRLFRIEND TO PLAY WITH:

  I am a black female, 30, seeking a companion to hang out with that can meet my sensual needs. I would like to go out for drinks, shop, and eat more than good food, and of course play. I am in a relationship with a man, but I need the touch of a woman every now and then. I am sexy, 5’6, 130 pounds, and uninhibited. My man knows of my preference and will not interfere. If you are a slim female, race unimportant, d/d free slim with big breasts. E-mail a picture of your best assets and I will do the same.

  It was a toss-up, so I decided to write both names on a tiny slip of paper, mix them up and pull one. And the winner was…LOOKING FOR A GIRLFRIEND TO PLAY WITH.

  I used my sister’s digital camera and snapped a few pictures of my breasts, legs, and feet, which I felt were my best assets, and I waited for her response. Every day for over a week, I checked my e-mail. Finally I received an e-mail from sxyblkldy with an attachment. She wrote:

  hey got your picture and i definitely like what i see. love those pretty toes and sexy legs. everything you sent was all good. sorry it took me so long to respond but my schedule with work and school is real hectic. i’d love to meet you face to face asap. take down my number and give me a call if you like what i have to offer. here’s a picture i recently took to let you see what you could be holding on to real soon.

  —tricia

  I scribbled her number on a Post-it and proceeded to cautiously open the attachment, since my sister had complained that her computer had recently gotten a virus and her e-mail was filled with porn, but I was curious and so I took the risk. The file opened a picture of Tricia bending over a chair, with her large butt and thighs nearly filling the nineteen-inch screen. When I heard the doorbell ring, I quickly closed all my open screens, logged out of the Internet, and then rushed to the front to see who was there.

 

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