Ruby's Misadventures With Reality

by Samantha Bohrman

  “Yep. Jazz band.” No matter how important you get in a small town, it all comes back ’round to jazz band most days. With that over, Trudi got to the point. “You need to leave Estelle alone. Me and Jermaine are pretty sick of you filling her head with ideas. This is Jermaine’s house. His grandma lives here but he pays the bills. He runs his business out of this house and he’s been making improvements. You need to back off. Stop giving her ideas about selling the place.”

  “I’m not trying to get Estelle to sell anything. I’m helping Estelle with her charges.” Ruby was sure that would smooth Trudi’s ruffled feathers.

  Trudi put her hands on her hips, stuck out her chin, and said, “Jermaine understands just fine. You’re a money-grubbing lawyer and you need to back off.”

  “Oh, I’m working pro bono.” Then Ruby clarified, “I’m helping Estelle for free.”

  “Pro bono my ass. You’re getting something.” Trudi stared significantly at the Thigh Masters, as if Ruby was running off with the family china. “Jermaine can get his grandma a lawyer if she needs one. We don’t need some stuck-up bitch with a fancy handbag.”

  Ruby looked down at her purse, a knock-off Chanel. She began to explain, “It’s a knock-off,” but decided there was no point and turned to leave. Plus, she could swear that Trudi’s handbag was real, a brand-spanking new Louis Vuitton. Apparently, robbing banks paid better than temporary legal gigs. As an afterthought, Ruby asked, “What kind of improvement did Jermaine make to the house?”

  “Hot tub. Second floor,” said Trudi. As she walked into the house she muttered, “I’m calling to complain about you.”

  Ruby stopped and hollered, “Who are you going to complain to?”

  “Your boss.”

  “Destinee?” Ruby asked.

  “Who do you think?” With a slam of the door, Trudi walked into the house, leaving Ruby to wonder why Destinee would take Trudi’s word over Ruby’s, not that she doubted the truth of the statement. It just didn’t make any sense. At this point, all Ruby knew was that: 1. Trudi made more money than her, and 2. Her boss liked Trudi better.

  Whatever choice “c” had been on that psychicguru quiz, she should have picked it. Law school had been a bad investment.

  Everyone knows, “c” is always the best answer.

  Chapter Six

  Burner on the Fritz (One Month Later)

  After settling Estelle’s case, the rest of September and most of October blurred into an incoherent string of seemingly identical days at the office punctuated by evenings of forgettable television. Ming was constantly busy and Estelle didn’t need help with her property issue. For a full month almost nothing changed, not even Todd’s underwear. Every morning Ruby would stumble out of her room to see him sprawled on the couch in a pair of boxers that said “Monday”—an apt metaphor for her life.

  Noel never called and she never called him. Depending on her mood, she lamented it as a missed opportunity with Mr. Perfect or good riddance to the zoning commissioner who dumped her over stale Pop-Tarts.

  Work wasn’t horrible. The traditional eight-to-seven law office workday took the starch out of Ruby and the paycheck barely covered her student loans and credit card bills. After work, she would come home so tired that she would fall asleep in the living room in front of Law & Order, a show that made being a lawyer look so much better than it actually was.

  At one o’clock in the morning she would wake up with a kinked neck and the TV playing some infomercial about 80s rock classics or Brazilian butt workouts. And she would actually watch them, not only because she was too tired to get up and brush her teeth, but because she liked them. She ordered a copy of the Bum Bum Rapido! workout that promised to lift her butt in three different ways. Because she was using Todd’s bed (the couch) all the time, he had started sleeping in her bedroom, which left her sharing a bedroom with a drifter.

  One morning, after a long night of watching the entire hour of Bum Bum Rapido, Ruby dragged her un-lifted butt to work. She stared at her computer like a living zombie for two hours before giving up. She sent Destinee an email informing her that she needed to go home because of “female problems” and drove home, supposedly to work from her living room.

  …

  “Shit.”

  Ruby was trying to light the burner to make coffee, but the stove wasn’t working. She tried again, but the igniter didn’t work and a smell of rotten eggs began to pool around her, so she cut the gas and walked away. Maybe working from home for the afternoon wasn’t such a bright idea. Just as she gave up and sat down all four burners began to emit a click, click, click, click synchronously and loudly, as if the first voice in a robotic uprising. She inspected them, but everything appeared to be fine, except for the inexplicable clicking. With no knowledge of appliances and zero mechanical reasoning ability, she ran to look for her phone. If ever there was a time to call the landlord, this was it. If only she hadn’t slept with him only to find she was the other woman in a love triangle she hadn’t been aware of. Awkward! She dialed Ming instead.

  “Ming, there’s something wrong with the stove. The burners won’t stop clicking and I don’t know if the gas is on or off. I’m afraid the house is going to explode.”

  “I doubt it. You’re on your own, though. I’m teaching.”

  “You’re standing in front of a class right now?”

  “Uh huh. I’m teaching.”

  Ruby laughed. She could see it clearly. After talking on the phone in front of the class at top volume, Ming would probably berate them for failing to understand the reading or complete their problem sets. Ming didn’t get the point of teaching because she didn’t need it herself.

  Ming finally advised, “Call the landlord.” Then, she laughed. “I can’t wait to hear about it. Call me back.”

  For a fraction of a second Ruby considered dialing 911, but she didn’t do it—better not to make a complete fool of herself if her cooktop was simply performing a vigorous self-cleaning or something. She did grab the cats, though. She threw Vera and Tom into their kitty carrier against their yowling protests and ran out to wait in the driveway. “Noel. It’s Ruby.”

  “Ruby?”

  If she had been sitting, she would have dropped her head to the desk. He didn’t even remember her! She reminded him. “Ruby O’Deare. You know, we know each other from planning meetings and…that one night. I don’t know if you knew, but I’m also your tenant.”

  “Of course,” he corrected. “I just couldn’t hear. Sorry.”

  She hoped to God he was serious. “I have a problem over at the house. There is something wrong with the stove. It won’t stop clicking. I don’t think the gas is on, but I still have the feeling that it might explode. Probably not, but it’s making me a little nervous.”

  “I’ll be right over. Wait outside.” Ruby could hear him shuffling papers and telling his secretary to cancel his next appointment.

  He pulled up to Ruby’s driveway a few minutes later, jumped out of the car, only briefly pausing to say, “Hi, Ruby” as he hurried into the danger in the manner of a rescuing fireman. He looked just as good as the last time she saw him, maybe even better because he was adorably frazzled about her safety. Though she’d planned to give him the cold shoulder, her pulse fluttered and she couldn’t help but smile like an absolute fool. So there she stood, standing in the driveway smiling like a possessed woman (with a box of cats), waiting for her house to explode with Noel in it.

  As she watched Noel fulfill all of her sexy fireman fantasies, she couldn’t deny that he looked more like the man of her dreams than the date-rapist zoning commissioner she conjured in her darker moments. By the time he emerged from the house, she was convinced—Noel was as good as he looked. He was probably better.

  “It’s all clear.” Then, noticing her struggle with the cat carrier, he said, “Let me get that for you.”

  “Is there something wrong with the stove or am I a complete idiot?” she asked.

  “It looks like you spill
ed something on the burners and shorted out the igniters. They’ll be fine as soon as they dry out. I could set up a fan to help them dry out faster if you’d like.”

  “Oh. Complete idiot, it is.” She had poured water all over the cook top last night to clean up a tipped jar of honey. “I’m so sorry to drag you over here. You were probably doing something really important.” She was used to looking like an idiot, but it stung so much more in front of Noel. Why couldn’t she have run into him while winning something? Not that she’d won anything recently, but still, it would have been nice.

  He flashed her an adorably quirky half smile and said, “No. I’d much rather be here.” He looked over at the stove. Her French press was out and filled with coffee grounds, clearly waiting for hot water. “Were you trying to make some coffee?” he asked. If Ruby didn’t know better, she would guess he was looking for an excuse to stay longer.

  She nodded, feeling confused and hopeful.

  “Let me see if I can do anything about it. Why don’t you sit down and let the cats out or something.” He opened up the cabinet below the kitchen sink and rooted around for a minute until he came up with a prize. “Found it. You have some canned air. This should do the trick.” He sprayed the offending burner, reset the breaker, and turned the stove on. It lit no problem. “Voila. While I’m at it, I’ll just finish this up.” He put the kettle back on the burner.

  “Thanks so much.” A little bewildered, but grateful, Ruby sat down. While she watched, Noel found the cream and sugar (without asking for direction), poured her a cup of very fine-looking French press into her favorite Café du Nord cup, and handed it to her as if he did this every day. Incidentally, he drank from the cup with a picture of her and a sorority sister screaming on the downside of a roller coaster at Funland. She hoped he had picked it out on purpose.

  Just then, Todd, who Ruby had thought was at work, appeared from seemingly out of nowhere and poured himself the last of the coffee. He brought the coffee cup up to his face and said, “Smells gooood.” Looking at Noel, he said, “Hey, dude, nice suit. Did you get that at the Big and Tall?”

  “Uh, no.” Noel looked to Ruby. He was clearly wondering who Todd was.

  “Oh. Well you should check them out. I heard they have nice stuff.” And with that, he stumbled back from whence he came, probably to get ready for work for which he was already about three hours late.

  “So who was that guy?” he asked.

  “Oh, sorry! I forgot to introduce you. That’s Todd.” She said this as if everyone had a half-naked dude living on their couch.

  Noel nodded skeptically, but made no further mention of the mystery that was Todd. Instead, he said, “I’m glad you called. I wasn’t thrilled to be stuck in a meeting all afternoon anyway.”

  “Oh, if you need to get back—”

  Noel waved off her suggestion. “No worries. I’ve had it with the guy I’m supposed to meet with. He’s putting together that new development over on Hyacinth Ave. It’s mixed use, business and residential. Basically, it’s a bunch of McMansions and high-end stores, an Organic Food Hollow, a Crate and Barrel, four Starbucks, a Pottery Barn Kids, that sort of thing. I think he has an exclusive fitness place too.”

  “Ooh. That sounds…” She trailed off when she noticed her cat pawing at his legs. She grabbed Vera Wang just before she inserted her claws into his pant leg.

  “Atrocious, I know.”

  Actually, Ruby had been thinking, Amazing! When can I move?

  “I know just what you’re thinking: what a soul-sucking, consumption-oriented, apathetic black hole. I can just see my college friends—the ones who I thought would change the world—moving into the development, buying a minivan, patting themselves on the back for shopping at Food Hollow, and letting mainstream news and a short commute lull them into a false sense of security while they ignore poverty and the declining literacy rate right outside their doors.” He looked at Ruby for affirmation.

  She smiled. Literacy rate declining? Where did he hear that? Instead she said, “Exactly what I was thinking. Food Hole is such a poser,” (Food Hole being the local nickname for Organic Food Hollow). She actually lived to buy five-dollar-a-pound apples from Food Hollow and congratulate herself on saving the planet while reading Luxury Spa Finder in the checkout.

  Then, she asked, “Did you say Hyacinth Ave? I bet you’re talking about the same developer who is trying to buy my client’s house.” Estelle’s place was on Hyacinth Ave. If the development was as big and fancy as Noel made it sound, Estelle could probably score a sweet deal, if she decided to sell. She’d have to check in with Estelle and make sure that Destinee didn’t swindle her out of her property.

  Noel glanced at the clock and said, “I better get going. I’ll be stuck at the office all night if I don’t get out now. By the way, what are you doing at home? Shouldn’t you be in a cubicle buried in files or something?”

  “I’m working from home.” Then, while she had her courage up she said, “Before you leave, I was wondering… I know this probably sounds ridiculous, but I don’t really know what happened that night I woke up with you. Do you remember anything?”

  “I… uhhh—” Noel started stammering like a bad actor trying to pull off a dramatic role. He began squinting and nodding too much, as if intensely consider her question.

  A diehard fan of bad acting, Ruby watched Noel and tried to understand him. Seeing him stumble over his own words, Ruby forever extinguished the idea that he had taken advantage of her. He was adorable and sweet and Ruby loved it. What girl doesn’t enjoy watching a boy stammer a little?

  Finally, he wrangled his thoughts and said, “I actually, I can’t remember. The whole night is really foggy.”

  Relieved and incredulous, Ruby said, “How could both of us—”

  Todd yelled from the back room, “Uhhh, has anyone seen my socks?”

  Ruby didn’t answer, but the interruption caused a flash of connection between “Todd” and “amnesia.”

  Still struggling with the memory problem, Noel said, “I don’t get it. It doesn’t make any sense, but it’s one big blank for me. I remember coming over to your place because of a call from the neighbor. I remember leaving with you, but that’s about it.”

  From the way he said “about it” Ruby thought he was leaving something out. Giving him her best third-degree look, she asked, “What do you mean that’s about it? What else happened?”

  With an embarrassed laugh, he said, “It doesn’t make any sense, but I think we might have gone to the Dollar Store.”

  Ruby sighed with relief. At least she hadn’t shown up on his doorstep with a box of condoms like some sort of deranged Girl Scout. They had embarked on that hair-brained mission together. She smiled and said, “Well, I hope we had fun.”

  With a knowing grin that made her doubt his blackout equaled her own, Noel said, “I’m pretty sure we did.”

  Ruby felt herself blush at his tone, but she liked the way this conversation was heading.

  Then he dropped the hammer. “I would have called you, but I’m actually seeing someone. That’s part of why I was so shocked about waking up with you.”

  Her heart sank. Rolly Bag. He is seeing Rolly Bag.

  On his way out the door, it didn’t feel right simply saying, “See you later,” not with the fresh acknowledgement of their lost night together, but Ruby didn’t know what else to say. She wanted to hug him, but she didn’t.

  He had a girlfriend.

  He must have felt the same because he reached out and pulled her into an awkward half hug. She had hugged teachers, parents, and friends this way countless times, but she’d imagined Noel’s touch too many times for this to be casual. Closing her eyes, she inhaled. He smelled like her favorite brand of dryer sheets. She couldn’t be sure, but it seemed like he kept his arm around her a fraction of a second too long. In a quiet voice she said, “Thanks for all the help today, Noel. You must think I’m an absolute mess.”

  When he pulled away, he let
his hand trail down her arm in a way that made her skin tingle and the look on his face—it wasn’t professional. Softly, he said, “I don’t think you’re a mess at all, Ruby.” Then, giving her hand one last squeeze, he turned to walk away.

  She whispered, “Bye, Noel,” feeling more sure than ever that the man of her dreams was walking out of her life and into the arms of a woman who traveled with a rolling file cabinet. She could almost hear the sound of tiny plastic wheels rolling away her dreams, rooooooooll, thunk, roooooooll, thunk.

  Chapter Seven

  All Boyfriends Look the Same

  Later that evening, Ruby changed into garb more fitting her mood: sweatpants, a robe from her grandmother complete with appliquéd kitty cat, and slippers. Then she curled into a semi-fetal position on the couch and put in Bum Bum Rapido! She sat transfixed as Leonardo energetically jumped from side to side doing a double diamond move, but she didn’t manage to get off the couch to join him. For whatever reason, she felt like a completely run-down shell of her former self. Her auburn hair color had faded to pinkish brown and the last tub of ice cream had gone straight to her ass. Todd sat down next to her and offered her some Cheetos.

  “Thanks,” she said, reaching for a handful and stuffing too many into her mouth.

  “Want me to turn up the heat?” he offered.

  “No, I just wanted to cozy up a bit,” she said with her mouth full.

  “Cool.” Without questioning her choice of programming, he commented, “Man. That guy’s fucking aaawwwesome. Whoa.”

  “How are things going at the lab?” Ruby asked. While she talked, she opened up a tub of cellulite cream she’d picked up on her way home that day. It was worth a try.

  Bum Bum Rapido! ended and Todd started flipping through the channels as he talked. “Not sure, to tell you the truth. Ming has me boil stuff and take notes. Seems okay. She gave me a white coat that looks pretty awesome. That’s about it.” He nodded and shrugged, apparently satisfied with the state of things.