Afraid of Love: Bid on Love Series Bachelor #8 & Hard to Love Book #1

by Annelise Reynolds

  “Then say it already, so it’s out in the open. Rip it off like a band-aid. If I don’t like what you say, I’ll let you know, and we can go back to discussing your tattoo. If I’m up for whatever is going on in your head, we’ll discuss it.” He shrugs as if it is that simple. What I’m thinking will be hard for me, not him. He all but admitted he is a player; I have no experience other than what I’d read in books over the years. Well, that and what my fingers can do for me.

  I have no frame of reference for a man’s take on sex, and this isn’t something you ask your dad about. Yuck. I’ve been basing my knowledge off porn videos, romance novels, movies, and self-help sex books. My copy of the Kama Sutra is covered in highlighter marks. It’s color-coded, though nobody would think anything of the yellow, green, and pink highlight marks in a book. Yellow is a hard no on my list. Green is good for the books. I can see my characters doing those acts for and to each other, and pink is the stuff I wouldn’t mind trying one day, maybe, and with the right guy.

  “Just spit it out, Jai.” His voice is flat and holds no emotion. “I promise, it won’t be as bad as what you’re thinking in your head.”

  ‘Ha! Wanna bet.’ My thoughts scream. If he truly knew what I’m thinking right now, he’d fall out of his chair with shock.

  “I want your help.” I hesitate. “I’ve had writer's block for the past six months. That’s why Kaiya set this whole thing up. She said I needed to live to be able to create life in my books, and I think she’s right.” He gives me a skeptical look but doesn’t cut in. I take a deep breath and tell him about Josh and how I’ve been frozen since then, not able to get close to anyone and scared to move forward.

  “I’m not sure how you want my help.” He looks calm and relaxed, which is at war with the anxious nerves zipping through my body.

  “I want you to teach me how to flirt and—” Shit. Shit. Shit. I can’t look at Bas as I ask for the rest, so I toy with the hem of my shirt and run my fingers along the soft edge. “And about sex, how it feels for a guy. What do guys prefer? In your experience, what do women prefer? I’d need you to be very detailed and honest. Writing about relationships is the hardest part for me. I can do the suspense and crime, but I suck at the intimacy.”

  The room is deafeningly silent. You can hear a pin drop for all the noise Bas isn’t making. When he still doesn’t speak after a few minutes, I dare to look up from my lashes to see him staring at me dumbfounded. If it isn’t for the fact I’d just thrown myself out there, I’d laugh at his expression of disbelief.

  Chapter 13

  Sebastian

  I’m hard as marble in my jeans, and little miss innocent asks me to teach her about what pleases a man. What, it feels like to be satisfied by a man. She has no clue what she is asking. If her only frame of reference is skin flicks and books, she has nothing to go on. How to flirt? How the fuck, do you teach someone to tease? She has done okay while talking to me. Has she been overly obvious about her attraction? No, she doesn’t go out of her way to enchant me either. She does it naturally.

  “Forget I said anything.” She rushes out when I don’t answer her right away. ‘Not fucking likely.’ I say to myself.

  “That’s not going to happen, Darlin’. I need a second to process all you want from me.” If she wants me to go over my conquests with her, she is out of her mind. There is no way I would talk about making love to another woman when all I want is to be buried deep inside her.

  I can teach her how to please a man, but the only man she will be fucking using the knowledge on is me. Jaci can write about it all she wants. It doesn’t bother me to have her use me as a guinea pig, to try out new things and new positions I’d be more than happy to show her. If she wants to know what pleases a woman, I will show her so many times that the only name leaving her lips is mine, as she screams her orgasms.

  “Ok.” I let out a breath as I try to find the words that won’t send her running for the hills. Even though, that doesn’t matter. I enjoy a good chase, and I will go after her. “People aren’t two dimensional, Jaci. I can’t teach you anything you don’t already know from watching movies, reading books, and research. If we do this…” I pause and give her a firm stare, “If we do this, it will be hands-on, do you understand what I’m saying?”

  Jaci’s breathing is shallow and coming way too quick. After what she told me about that asshole Josh, I guess I can’t blame her for being afraid.

  “If it would help, we can come up with some rules. I will never break any rule you put out there without talking to you about it first.” Usually, I’m not into the whole dominant/submissive lifestyle. I want a good time and hot dirty sex. I don’t need control in the bedroom or out of it. That isn’t me, but if having a few unbreakable rules will help her, and I get sex with the girl I can’t get out of my head, then so be it. Plus, what guy doesn't want a girl, who offers herself up on a platter to be taught how to give and receive pleasure. That’s a temptation no red-blooded male could pass up.

  “How far are you inclined to take this?”

  “Me? Darlin’ I want you. I’d go all the way if it were up to me, but that’s the thing. It’s not up to me. You can say no at any point. I’ll respect that and stop with no questions asked.”

  “What other kinds of rules do you want in place?” I sigh, she is missing the point that this is about what she wants, not what I want. She is going to force me to take the lead on this.

  “First and foremost, no means no.” She nods her head adamantly, agreeing. “Second, you have to be honest, Jaci. With yourself and with me. If you like something or want something, be honest and ask for it. If you don’t like something I do to you, you need to be honest with me and not go with it because you think it’s what I want. That’s not how a relationship works, not a good one anyway. Agreed.”

  “Yes.” She looks steadier, not so embarrassed or like she is about to pass out.

  “Be honest, Jaci. What rule do you want on the list?” The food is left forgotten in front of us.

  “Condoms.” She pushes the invisible hair behind her ear and nervously shifts in her seat. “If we go all the way, a condom must be worn at all times.”

  “Done. Anything else?” I didn’t miss a beat. I want her to come up with the rules because if they are hers, she’d feel more in control of the situation.

  “If we have sex, no other women until this—whatever this is—is over.”

  “Let’s start with honesty, Jaci. Be honest with yourself and admit that sex is going to happen with us. You feel it as much as I do.”

  “Fine. When we have sex, until we’re over, there will be no other women.” Thank fuck she finally admits sex is going to happen.

  “Agreed. Anything else?”

  “Yes. No one else will be in the bedroom. No public sex and no cameras of any kind. Also, no pain.”

  I take those apart one at a time, “No other man is going to look at your body let alone touch you, so no other people are fine by me. I’m not into having sex in public places. I prefer to take my time, and you can’t do that in a bathroom or fitting room. It’s a shame about the cameras, but I understand why you don’t want that. The only one I want to put in the maybe pile is the pain.” She pales, “Look, I’m not saying I want to whip and chain you because I don’t, but part of this is you being honest and open to new things. If you decide you want to try something I will do my best to accommodate you safely. If I have doubts about your safety, we will shelf it until I can do research. When you’re having sex, pain can enhance the pleasure you feel.”

  She visibly swallows hard. Her pupils are huge and her breathing shaky. “I know that in theory from books.”

  “I can show you better than I can tell you.” I hold my hand out to her. She looks at it as if it is a snake about to bite her, but then she looks into my eyes. Whatever she sees there, gives her the calm to put her hand in mine. It is a small victory I’m going to hang onto.

  “Just relax. I won’t go too far. I promise.” S
he nods as I pull her into my lap. “If you were to grab my dick unexpectedly and squeeze you could hurt me; but when I’m aroused and hard as fucking stone, the tighter you squeeze my cock, the better it feels. What’s painful without sex is arousing as fuck during.” My lips are just a breath away from hers.

  I tilt her chin back to expose her neck for my instruction. “If I were to bite you without any arousal built up, you’d cry out, and it would hurt.” I trail my lips down her neck while flicking my tongue at her racing pulse point. “But if I were to bite you,” I caress her breast with my other hand, and she shudders with excitement. I kiss her neck again. “While you were soaking wet and needy.” Another flick of my tongue against her fluttering veins. “That might just send—” I kiss my way further down towards the hollow of her throat. Her breathing is erratic, and she is clutching my shirt and shoulders in her tight fists. Her eyes are tightly closed, and she is poised, ready to go over, and I haven’t even touched her yet. “You.” Kiss up by the collarbone. I’m confusing her and lulling her into a pit of anticipation with every strategically placed kiss. “Right over.” I finally bite down hard at the same time I pinch her erect nipple.

  Jaci comes apart in my arms. Her breathing is choppy, and her body shakes as she whimpers with pleasure. If I put my fingers in her pussy right now, she would be sensitive and wet with her release. Jaci doesn’t realize how hungry her body is for touching. She served a sentence right along with that asshole. Her cage has been the life she denied herself.

  Chapter 14

  Jaci

  Holy crap! I chose the perfect teacher because that was amazing. My body is still vibrating with aftershocks as he holds me in his arms. I’m clinging to him with his hand lightly strumming the side of my breast. His cock is hard beneath my hip, and I shift against it as he groans.

  “Don’t move.” His voice is gruff with restraint as he pushes his cock harder against me. “God, I want to be buried so deep inside you that you forget where you end, and I begin.” He rocks his hips against me while stroking his cock on my hip through our clothes.

  His jaw is clenched as though the movements are killing him. “Any other rules you want to tell me about?” He says through gritted teeth.

  “That’s all I can think of; we will put pain on the maybe list.” I shyly concede.

  “Good. Now, I need you to take your sweet ass back to your chair, or I’m going to lose all my self-control and take you in the back room.”

  His words have my tummy clenching with desire. I want him; this is the aching need I write about in my books. The raw lust I’ve read in so many books while doing my research is exciting and more powerful than I’d anticipated. I could quickly lose my head and heart to Sebastian.

  “You’re thinking awfully hard.” He adjusts himself back into his seat and grabs his bottle of water off the table.

  “It’s nothing.” The look he gives me is pointed. He knows I’m lying and breaking one of my own rules. “You’re dangerous.”

  “In some ways, yes. But you don’t have to worry about it. I’ll never hurt you Jaci.”

  “Not intentionally, no.” I pause and take a deep breath before releasing it slowly through puffed out cheeks. “You scare me, Sebastian.”

  “We’ve already had a similar conversation, Darlin’.”

  “I know. That’s why I said it wasn’t important.”

  “You’re wrong. Your feelings are important to me. If you’re afraid, it affects everything we do together. You aren’t in this alone Jaci. I think you forgot that. Plus, you aren’t the only one risking something in this relationship.”

  “What are you risking?”

  “A good night’s sleep tonight, because I didn’t anticipate this monster,” he points towards his lap, “Calming down anytime soon. You and I are going to take this at a slower pace, so I’m guessing I have a few more nights where my balls will be blue.”

  I smile and start busying myself putting away the leftover food and cleaning up the trash. “I’ve got to get home. Thank you for dinner tonight.”

  “You’re welcome.” He takes the trash from my hands and dumps it in the pale by the desk. “Give me your phone.” I hand it to him, and he puts his number into it. His phone starts ringing before he hands mine back. “I’ll call you tomorrow.” He walks me outside to my car and holds the door open as I get in. I drive away with excitement and the first tendrils of hope I’ve felt in a long time.

  The whole ride home I’m smiling. I know I shouldn’t let my guard down around him, but he’s too much of a temptation, and I’m so damn lonely. Kaiya is there, but she lives her own life from which she says sucks. She hasn’t gotten any closure from her first love. God, she loved Brayden. I remember wanting what they had back then. It’s probably why I finally broke down and said yes to Josh. Seeing them together made me want more than books.

  Guilt hit me hard. I’d ruined my sister’s, my twin’s, and my best friend’s life with my poor choice. Kaiya and Brayden may not have ended up together in the long run, but their relationship ended prematurely because I got hurt.

  I pull into the driveway I share with Kaiya. She isn’t home yet making the house quiet. We picked this neighborhood for its low crime rate. The townhouse is small with three bedrooms. I occupy two of them with my bedroom and home office, but Kaiya didn’t care because I’m home more often than her.

  We split the bills and live our lives. Mom and dad come up to visit whenever they want to. Dad retired and bought them RV to go sightseeing across the country. They are free, and I wish that for Kaiya. If I’m lucky, I will be free too.

  Chapter 15

  Sebastian

  “What are you doing?” I ask when she answers the phone. Her voice is breathy like she’s been running. Maybe, she is as frustrated as I’m since our impromptu dinner and she was getting herself off.

  “I took Rainbow out for a walk, and I’m going to sit back at my desk to stare at a blinking cursor again.”

  “Still having writer's block, huh?”

  “Yes. I want to write, but everything I write ends up getting deleted. I’m just not feeling it, and I can’t force it, because if I do my readers will be able to tell.” She sighs heavily.

  “Well, if you want you can come over to the shop and man the desk this afternoon. I’ve got back to back clients lined up, so having someone to take care of the phone and checking people in would help things run faster.”

  “You don’t have a receptionist?”

  “I’m a one-man operation right now. I need to hire another artist and a receptionist, but I’ve been putting it off.”

  “So, you’re trying to get free labor out of me then.” She laughs at her joke, and it makes me smile.

  “Yeah, kind of. But you can bring your laptop and write while you do it. Maybe being surrounded by creativity and people will help. No place better to do that than a tattoo shop.” I don’t know how inspiration works for her. There are many straws, and I’m grasping at one. Mainly, I want to see where she is with everything we talked about and if she is ready to move forward. My dick is beyond ready.

  “Ok, I’ll bring lunch with me. What do you like to eat besides Chinese food?”

  I close my eyes and stare at the ceiling, what a freaking loaded question. ‘Pussy. Your pussy.’ That’s what I want to answer, but I don’t want to put her on edge—that came later. “I’m not picky.”

  “Ok, I’ll grab something and head on over. Thanks, Sebastian.” Her voice is soft and sweet. Too sweet. I wonder if she is ready for her own plan. Will she be able to “date” me and walk away when it is all over? I have my doubts, and for some reason, the thought doesn’t bother me. Jaci said I’m dangerous, but she has no clue what she is capable of.

  The answering machine has three messages when I walk into the shop. I hit play to listen while I’m looking over the day’s schedule.

  “Hi, Sebastian.” I stop because it is Jaci’s voice, only the tone is different than hers. “This is Kaiya, Jaci�
�s sister. I want to thank you for following through on the date after you found out you’d been set up. Nadine told me you weren’t happy. Jaci wasn’t either at first, but whatever you did on that date.” She pauses and clears her throat. I heard a sniff in the background and a deep breath drawn in like she is gathering her composure. “Sorry,” Her voice is thick, and I can easily tell she is crying. “I’m not normally like this.” She laughs self-deprecatingly. They have that in common. “I don’t know how you got her to go para—” The message cut off and went to the next one.

  “Me again. Anyway, I’m not sure how you got Jaci to go parasailing, but whatever you said to Jaci has made a difference. She’s left the house without Rainbow twice now, and she hasn’t had a panic attack since Saturday. It’s almost like I’ve got my old sister back. Thank you, Sebastian. For whatever you did or said. Thank you.” She hangs up the phone, and it goes onto the next message, which I’ll have to listen to later because I’m stuck on what Kaiya’s message reveals about Jaci.

  Panic attacks, leaving the house without her dog. I knew she was scared, but I didn’t realize how much. If it’s as bad as Kaiya says, it’s a wonder she ever got on that boat with Drake and me. Let alone let me touch her. Now, she is asking me to teach her about intimacy. None of it makes sense. I didn’t do anything special to warrant her trust, not yet at least.

  I was sitting at my art table, the radio on and Simple Man pouring through the speakers. My thoughts are on Jaci, and I absentmindedly start drawing with her in mind.