by Paul Preston
The director bristled at being second-guessed and then gave his measured response.
“Well, when you’re casting a picture, it’s not a matter of who is more qualified to play a role. It is simply a case that you, Ms. Rose, are the right physical type and personality to play Magdalena and unfortunately, Mr. James is not a good fit for the monk’s role. I’d like to see how you look on screen with the previous young man I had just came by to—”
Elizabeth knew that her extraordinary beauty gave her the power to speak her mind freely, and when she wanted to, she wielded that power effectively.
“What do you know about any of this? Give me a break! I walk by your little shop every day during my lunch break and peek through the window at you. You may be good at selling dirty movies and plastic dildos, but you’re not a film director!”
Farnsworth was stunned by the insult. He took his glasses off and rubbed his eyes in frustration, while trying to control his temper.
“Young lady, you know nothing about me or how long I’ve worked and saved up money to finance this project of mine. You have no idea of the extraordinary events that have happened to me, leading up to this moment in time. Making this film is the fulfillment of my life’s dream and you have no right to—”
“OK. I’m sorry, Mr. Farnsworth. I didn’t mean to insult you, but you’re making a mistake not casting Edward in the role. He’s an excellent actor.”
“Look, Ms. Rose, if you weren’t so perfect for this role, I would have shown you the door already. Don’t you see? This is the opportunity of a lifetime for you. You said on the contact sheet you filled out that you’re currently employed at Express in Horton Plaza. Do you want to work selling clothes for the rest of life? I’m offering you the lead in a feature film, Ms. Rose, which could easily lead to bigger and better things in your career.”
“Mr. Farnsworth is right, Elizabeth,” I said. “I appreciate you standing up for me, I really do, more than you’ll ever know, but don’t let me stand in the way of—”
“I’ll sign a contract right now, if you cast Edward in the role of Brother William,” she said, interrupting me.
“I told you. Your friend is not right for the part. Mr. James is invited to assist you on the set, perhaps he can be credited as a consultant in the film as your acting coach, but this is my film and I will not cast him in the role of Brother Edward. I simply will not.”
“Why not? You just said he gave the best acting performance you’d seen all day.”
“He’s just not the right physical type.”
I wasn’t sure why, but she wouldn’t give up on trying to convince Farnsworth to cast me, with her sharply manicured nails fully out on my behalf.
“What is the physical type you were looking for?”
“I pictured Brother William to be a more muscular, ruggedly handsome fellow, if you must know. Mr. James has more… shall we say… feminine features...”
Feminine features? I suppose the life of an actor is 90% rejection with a hefty dose of ridicule thrown in. I knew I wasn’t right for the part, but did the director also have to insult me on the way out?
“But that’s ridiculous! In the script he’s so pious he’s fainting from hunger, and you want to cast that dimwitted beefcake that was here before? That makes absolutely no sense. Don’t you want the character of the monk to have a vulnerable appearance?”
A long silence followed. I thought Elizabeth made an excellent point. I played a secret fantasy through my mind that Elizabeth was my agent and “The Monastery” was a major feature film. I looked over at Mr. Farnsworth to see if I had scored any points with him.
“Look. I don’t have to justify my casting choices to you or anyone—”
“Edward’s a magnificent actor! Can’t you see that? He’d bring a depth of feeling to the role and make your movie rise above what it is with his emotional honesty. If you want him to look sexier and be in better shape, that’s easy. I’ll give him a make-over.”
“He came in your mouth in less than two minutes.”
“All guys do that, that’s just the way it is with me. No guy has been able to control themselves with me when I start kissing them. I’ll work with him on that.”
I silently raised my eyebrows at that. She’ll work with me on that?
“Anyway, if it were to remain a problem which I’m sure it won’t, you’ve got some salves in your store I’ve seen that will stop—”
“Look, Ms. Rose, do you want to do the movie or don’t you?”
“No. Not without my costar, Edward.”
“Fine. Delores. Send the next two actors in!”
“Come on, Edward, let’s go. This guy wouldn’t know a talented actor if he bit him in the ass.”
As we turned to leave, Mr. Farnsworth cleared his throat.
“Edward, the monk’s costume, if you don’t mind?”
I was about to walk out of his house still dressed as Brother William. I quickly changed into my regular clothes in the bathroom and came back out. Elizabeth was waiting for me by the door. Farnsworth was busy talking to the other couple that had shown up to audition. As soon as we left, Elizabeth seemed to completely forget about her dramatic argument with the director. I walked her to her car as she turned her cell phone back on and scrolled through the several text messages she received during our audition. I swallowed and tried to make conversation with her.
“Thank you for trying to get me in the movie, Elizabeth. I want you to know it was the kindest thing anyone ever did for me.”
“Don’t mention it. You shouldn’t feel bad about not getting the part. That guy’s a pompous ass. He wouldn’t know an actor from an aardvark.”
“Hey, Elizabeth?”
I cleared my throat, breathed in and summoned my courage.
“Are you busy right now? I was wondering, since you’re going to the play later, if you’re not too busy… could you… I mean, would you…”
She stopped scrolling through the messages on her phone and looked up at me.
“Are you asking me out, Edward?”
“I am. I’m trying to.”
“Then go ahead and ask me out, Edward. I might just say yes.”
I took a deep breath in, shut my eyes and got the words out.
“Would you care to go out to dinner with me before the show this evening?”
“The answer is yes. See. All you had to do was ask.”
I opened my eyes. Did the beautiful woman just say yes? I couldn’t believe it. Even though I didn’t get cast in the movie, it was my lucky day.
“Yes? That’s great!” I said.
My spirit soared higher than if I had been cast in a Broadway play!
“Of course, I’ll go out to dinner with you, but there are two conditions,” she said.
“Conditions?”
“Yes. If you can agree to these two conditions, we’ll have dinner together and perhaps more…”
Perhaps more… Elizabeth always said such sexy things to me.
“OK. What are they?” I asked with a smile.
“One: I want us to be friends. Can you agree to that?”
“Yes, Elizabeth!” I said enthusiastically. “Sure! I’d love to become friends with you.”
“That’s the easy one. Number two is much more difficult. You have to make a promise to me.”
“OK.”
“Two: If we become sexually involved, you have to promise me that when it ends, you have to remain my friend, no matter what. No guy ever remains my friend and I don’t want that to happen with you… Can you do that?”
Sexually involved! I was so excited about the prospect of becoming involved with her, I answered right away. I had no idea at the time how difficult her conditions would be…
“Of course! We will always remain friends, no matter what.”
“It won’t be easy. Other guys have had difficulty staying friends with me, when the sex part ends. Are you sure you can do it, Edward? It’s very important to me.”
; “I’m sure. We’ll stay friends. You have my word on that.”
“OK, lucky guy. You win. You get to take me out to dinner.”
“Where would you like to go for dinner, Elizabeth?”
“Oh, it doesn’t matter. You pick the place.”
“I know I nice Thai place a few blocks away from the theater in the Gaslamp. Is that OK?”
“That sounds lovely, Edward. I love Thai food.”
I smiled at her. She opened her car door and got in.
“I’ll follow you,” she said, starting up her car.
“OK,” I said.
I drove down the wretched streets of Chula Vista and got onto the 805 North, back toward civilization. I constantly checked in my rear view mirror to make sure she was still behind me, that I hadn’t just dreamed her up.
Before I realized what was happening, my car started slowing down. I pressed further down on my gas pedal, all the way to the floor, but nothing happened. That’s when I noticed the fuel gauge was on empty and lit up. My head was so in the clouds I was unaware I had run out of gas. I put my hazard lights on and coasted over to the shoulder of the road. Luckily, Elizabeth was close behind or I probably would’ve been rear-ended. I felt like a jackass, once again. I got out of my car, hugging the metal as cars whizzed by inches away from my body at 70 and 80 miles per hour. Elizabeth popped open the passenger door lock and I got in beside her, sheepishly. If she wasn’t there, I would’ve been screwed for my performance, which was starting in just a few hours. On top of my already advanced stage of humiliation, she had a much nicer car than me too. It had that new car smell inside. She turned to me and smiled.
“Run out of gas, darling?”
I nodded, ashamed. She didn’t appear angry at all about being stranded with me, cars dangerously zooming by just inches away from us, honking their horns. I felt like an idiot.
“Sorry,” I said, frowning.
I hoped she hadn’t changed her mind about having dinner with me and attending my show.
“Edward. Creative geniuses can’t be concerned with such mundane matters such as keeping the proper levels of gas in your car,” Elizabeth said, with a completely straight face.
“Are you teasing me?”
Elizabeth gave me her patented sexy wink, wordlessly reminding me of the glorious moment we shared less than an hour ago. I felt a stirring down below.
“Come on. It’s not the end of the world. I’ll drive you to the next exit and find you a gas station, baby doll,” she said.
Baby doll. I had never been someone’s baby doll.
“OK,” I said, cheering up a bit.
After a minute of driving down the highway in silence, she popped open the small mirror on the back of her sunshade to check her makeup.
“I think I like you, Edward,” Elizabeth said quite simply and directly, without making eye contact with me.
I looked down at my hands in my lap and smiled inside.
“I’ve played that moment through my mind thousands of times, Mr. Bergman. As I do it again right now, wasting away from this disease, a human skeleton, it has the same effect upon me now as it did then. It makes me feel happy inside.” I smiled and Mr. Bergman good-naturedly smiled back. He seemed to be enjoying my story, so I continued.
After Elizabeth drove me to the nearest gas station and back to my car, I carried the plastic container of gasoline I had borrowed and carefully poured the gas in the tank. I looked back at Elizabeth and she was busy multitasking, touching up her makeup while talking on her cell phone once again to one of her many suitors, I assumed. I saw her climb into her passenger seat and get out of her side door. I was afraid some reckless speeding driver drifting over just a few inches to the right would kill us both. I had to shout above the roar of the freeway traffic.
“Elizabeth! What are you doing? Get back inside your car! It’s dangerous!” I yelled.
“Guess who I just got a call from!”
“Was it from another one of the letter D guys?”
“No! Guess again!”
Looking at Elizabeth, I spilled the last drops of gasoline all over my hands. Oh great, now I smelled like an oil refinery.
“I don’t know. Tell me!”
“It was Farnsworth! He changed his mind! You’re in! Edward, you got the part!”
I looked at her stunned, my actor’s heart starting to beat wildly in my chest. The gas container slipped out of my fingers and nearly rolled into the oncoming surge of metal.
“I… I got the part?”
Elizabeth smiled, raised her pretty arched eyebrows and nodded.
“He wants us to stop by tomorrow morning, pick up the script and sign the contracts!”
“The contracts?”
I immediately grabbed her around the waist and squeezed her into me with my forearms, careful not to touch her with my gasoline-soaked hands. We jumped up and down like kids on the shoulder of the 805 while I screamed out jubilantly over the sound of the traffic, louder than I ever screamed before.
“I GOT THE PART! I GOT THE PART! I GOT THE PART!”
“I’m so proud of you, Edward…”
I looked at the most beautiful girl I had ever seen, who for a reason I could not fathom, was wrapped closely in my arms. I became overwhelmed with emotion, tears spilling out of my eyes, sliding off my cheeks and falling onto the pavement with the broken glass and beer cans below. All I ever had in my life was my acting, which in truth was an ephemeral and cruel Mistress, filling me with disappointment at every turn. Now there was something else I felt passionate about, something real. It was Elizabeth Rose, standing beside me on the shoulder of the 805. I hadn’t cried so much since I was a kid. Elizabeth looked at me quizzically, as if she had never seen a man’s tears before. She reached out with her fingertip to trace the wet streak left behind on my cheek… I swallowed my saliva and told her.
“I love you, Elizabeth. I will love you for the rest of your life.”
In all the years I’ve known her, it was one of the only times I had ever seen Elizabeth unable to make a quick retort. She paused and smiled sweetly to me, taking in the moment, before responding.
“That’s good, Edward. Because I think I’m ready to move on from the letter D.”
I laughed loudly and boisterously at her joke, pressing her closely into my chest with my arms and kissing her passionately. I remember I made her cheeks all wet from the transference of my tears, smudging her perfect makeup. A driver sped by beeping his horn when he saw our embrace. The sound of the passing traffic faded to a soft purr in the background.
After our romantic kiss, I smiled at her, proud I had the guts to tell her how I felt. I smelled the acrid odor of kerosene.
“I’m afraid I made us smell like gas.”
“You are… combustible.”
I laughed.
“Let’s get off the road before I get you killed,” I said.
“I’ll pass you on the 805. Follow me to my place. I want to take a shower before we go out to dinner, OK?”
“Sure!”
Chapter Five
Elizabeth’s Cure for Premature Ejaculation
After dropping off the container back at the gas station, we drove back to town. We pulled into the gated underground parking area of Elizabeth’s apartment in Hillcrest and rode the elevator up to the third floor. Her cell phone rang again and she had to fight off another suitor. I listened in on her conversation.
“Hey, Dougie, what’s up? How was your test? Aced it? Good for you… Yeah, you’re going to work out? I’d like to, but I’m going out to dinner. Maybe next time. Have a good work out! Chou!”
“A, B, C, D… E?” I said, smiling, finally managing for the first time to say something somewhat flirtatious and witty.
Elizabeth smiled back, taking my hand in hers and leading me down the corridor.
“I should make you a key, in case you ever need a place to crash. Would you like that Edward?”
A key? A key to her place?
“Sure…” I said, unable to believe my incredible luck.
I love girl’s apartments. Elizabeth’s place was so well decorated. It made me feel embarrassed about my garret downtown, with men of questionable character milling about the dark hallways day and night. I would never be able to take her there. It would be humiliating to take such a refined beauty into that hellhole. Her apartment was small but cozy. Every room smelled fresh and girly, with scented candles, bowls of potpourri scattered about and fancy soaps in a dish in the bathroom. I noticed the top of her toothpaste was off so I screwed it back on. I tried to not make a mess, rubbing the smell of gas off my hands. When I came back out, Elizabeth was trying to tidy up her apartment.
“I’m sorry my place is so messy, I wasn’t expecting visitors. I’m so embarrassed,” she said.
“Don’t worry about it. Your place is very nice. Here let me help you.”
“You’re very kind, thank you.”
“I know. I’ll make someone a good wife one day,” I said, joking.
Elizabeth laughed.
“You’re funny.”
After we straightened up her apartment, she excused herself into the bathroom for a moment and then peeked around the door into the living room. Elizabeth had removed her clothes and had wrapped herself in a large fluffy white towel. She looked so sexy and adorable.
“I’m going to jump in the shower. Make yourself comfortable, Edward. There’s a beer in the fridge, if you’d like. I’ll be right out.”
“OK. Thank you.”
She went back into the bathroom, closed the door and I heard the sound of the shower running. I relaxed on the couch and waited for her. After 20 minutes, the exotic creature appeared from out of the bathroom in a cloud of steam, topless, with a towel wrapped around her hair and another around her hips. If I hadn’t seen her with my own eyes, I would think I dreamed her into existence. I was like a sailor about to run his vessel upon the rocks, after seeing the vision of a beautiful mermaid through the mist.