by Nicola Marsh
‘Sweetheart, I’m so sorry.’
He came up behind her and hugged her close, his body a solid, comforting backdrop in an unfair, unsteady world. ‘Is there anything I can do?’
She shook her head, wishing he could fix this as well as he’d fixed the empty hole he’d left in her life by simply walking back into it.
‘This doesn’t affect us, you know. We’ll face whatever happens together.’
Not affect them? That wasn’t entirely true, and they both knew it. This house clearly symbolised his hopes for the future, a future which might not include kids no matter how much she wanted it to.
Sighing, she turned to face him, propping her butt on the sill and bracing her hands on his chest.
‘You wouldn’t have built this house, designed it as a family home, unless you wanted to fill it with a bunch of kids, yeah?’
His face softened when she said the K word, and, while he might have said it wouldn’t affect them, she had her answer before he spoke.
‘Guess I’m tired of being the doting uncle to my sisters’ broods. I want in on the action. The mess, the fun, the laughs, I want it all.’
A tiny crack appeared in her heart, splintering outwards at the realisation of how incredible he really was, and what she’d be giving up if she did the right thing and set him free to follow his dream with someone else.
‘Listen to me, Cam. The docs said it’d be hard, so we’ll try. And if it doesn’t work, we’ll explore other options. Nothing’s impossible as long as we’re together.’
Reaching out, he drew her closer, and she let him, eager to believe his words yet knowing she’d be selfish for taking a risk on them when she might never be able to give him the family he deserved, her hands sliding up his chest, anchoring her while the rest of her world spun out of control.
‘Cam, look at me.’
She shook her head, keeping her gaze firmly fixed on his chest. Looking into those incredible grey eyes right now would be tantamount to staring into an eclipse: she’d be burned eternally.
‘I want you in my life, as my wife, for ever,’ he murmured, his lips grazing her temple while he stroked her back in long, slow movements.
Relaxing into the protective circle of his arms, she closed her eyes, savouring the heat flowing from his strong, sure palms through her hooded top and onto her skin, relishing the tiny sparks shooting through her as he trailed butterfly kisses down her cheek before brushing her lips with his.
She moaned and tilted her face up to receive his kiss, all too aware it could be their last if she set him free, determined to make the most of it.
‘Let’s make this work,’ he whispered against the side of her mouth a moment before covering her mouth with his, and she stiffened as the reality of what they were doing flashed through her mind.
They could share a million bone-melting, heart-warming kisses, and it wouldn’t change a thing. She might be infertile. He wanted kids. Different goals equalled separate lives.
‘I can’t do this.’
She broke away from him, the wrench devastating as she craved the comfort of his arms with every breath she took, knowing after what she was about to say she might never have that privilege again.
Whirling around to stare at the view again and swipe a hand across her wet cheeks, she took several deep breaths, needing to calm down before she broke down.
‘I love you, Cam.’
‘I know.’
Her voice wavered with sadness and unshed tears as she wished there could be a way around this.
But there wasn’t. He wanted a family, she couldn’t give him that, and the longer this went on, the more she fell in love with him, the harder it would be.
Tugging on the end of her plait, she swung back to face him, trying to harden her heart and failing at the sight of the hurt in his eyes.
‘I love you, too, but I don’t want to give you false hope. If I can’t conceive naturally, it’s going to be a rough road ahead. Countless tests, prodding and poking from docs, counselling, sperm donation rooms, hormone injections, implants, procedures, and that’s even before going down the IVF road.’
Taking a deep breath, she blew it out long and slow, her gaze never leaving his, beseeching him to understand. ‘IVF is tougher still, and if that fails, the adoption route is even worse. Years and years of filling out forms and being fobbed off and getting our hopes up only to be disappointed. Do you really want to go through all that?’
Am I really worth it?
That was the real question she was asking, her heart hoping for a miracle, her head knowing she was crazy for putting him in this position.
He ran a hand across his jaw, across the stubble she loved so much, his expression bleak but his warm, steady gaze fixed on her.
‘I’m willing to try if you are. Nothing’s impossible for us. And if it’s not to be, well, we’ll deal with that, too.’
‘No!’
The refusal exploded out of her, the pain slicing her in two. She needed to make him understand how much she loved him, how much she was willing to give up in order for him to follow his dream.
He’d once done the same for her, the least she could do was return the favour. He deserved it. He deserved his dream as much as she’d deserved hers.
Grabbing his hand, she held it between both of hers, willing him to listen.
‘Don’t you get it? I love you so much I want you to be happy. I want you to have the family you want. And I don’t want you to go getting your hopes up when it may never happen for us.’
She broke off as he opened his mouth to reply, placing a finger to his lips to silence him.
‘No, let me finish. These past few months, rediscovering each other, have been amazing, but I don’t want to hold you back. If you want a family, maybe it’s better we end things now.’
There, she’d said it, and her heart ached with the agony of it. Losing him now would leave a gaping, irreparable hole in her life, and she’d never recover from it. But better that than live with the guilt she’d bound him to her for her own selfish reasons and held him back from having the family he truly deserved.
Silence. Punctuated by the occasional far-off cry of a seagull, the sound of a ride-on lawnmower.
‘I’ve already told you what I want. And that’s you.’
Placing a finger under her chin and tilting it up, he said, ‘I want you, Cam.’
He brushed a thumb across her chin repeatedly, soft, soothing, rhythmic. ‘It has always been you. If kids aren’t in the picture, it doesn’t matter. I love you, I’ll always love you, and the two of us are going to have a great life together. It was just the two of us at the start, and that’s enough for me. You and me, partners, lovers, best friends, for ever.’
She’d laid it out for him so he wasn’t under any illusions, and he still wanted her. Just her.
Hope swept through her, and she rode the wave, his sincere pledge dousing her doubts, silencing her voice of reason for an all-too-brief moment, filling her with the teensiest amount of optimism they could make this work.
She desperately wanted to believe him, wished she had as much faith in them as he did. But no amount of wishing and hoping could eradicate the simple truth. He wanted kids, she couldn’t have them. And while he was adamant she’d be enough for him now, what if his love for her dwindled and turned to despair when she couldn’t give him the one thing he needed the most?
He’d left her once before, what would stop him doing it again? She’d recovered from the heartache last time through sheer hard work, determined to obliterate her pain and fill the void he’d left with business. But if it happened again, after she’d fallen so irrefutably, cataclysmically in love with him all over again, she’d never recover.
Drawing a shaky breath, she laid her hand against his cheek, drawing on every ounce of inner strength she possessed. She needed to make him understand. Yet his tender expression stole her breath and increased her torment tenfold.
‘You’re the most extraor
dinary, wonderful, special guy, and I love you with all my heart. But I can’t do this.’
‘Yeah, you can.’
Pulling her close, he leaned his forehead against hers, their noses touching, the pure male scent of him filling her senses. ‘We’re in this for the long haul, and we’ll deal with it all. Just go with the flow.’
As if to prove his point, he slanted a slow, searing kiss across her lips, setting her pulse racing and her insides trembling.
‘But—’
‘Go with the flow,’ he repeated, smiling against her mouth as he moved a tad to the left, his pelvis snuggling into hers, showing her exactly how ready he was to go with the flow.
A shudder of longing shot through her, urging her to believe in the man she loved, to ignore her doubts.
He pulled away and stared down at her, his grey eyes magnetic. ‘You’re it for me, Cam. For always.’ His lips slowly descended to meet hers in a soul-reaching, shivery kiss before he whispered against her mouth, ‘Let me love you.’
Her resolve melted away on a river of hot, intense desire, her need to have him obliterating her anguish at never being enough for him, swift and powerful and all-consuming.
Her heart quivered, her legs wobbled, and her hands shook as she placed them against his chest, so warm, so solid, and slowly nodded. ‘But there’s no furniture.’
‘Who needs furniture?’
His smile, as intimate as the heavenly kiss they’d just shared, set her pulse racing as he tugged on her hand and pointed to a pile of neatly folded drop sheets in the corner of the room. ‘Looks like the painters haven’t used those yet.’
Chuckling, she sent him a teasing look from beneath lowered lashes. ‘My, my, very inventive.’
With a low groan, he pulled her flush against him. ‘You drive me wild.’
This was it. Her last chance to drive home the ramifications of their reunion despite the obstacles facing them.
But with the man of her dreams holding her, caressing her, promising to love her unconditionally, she threw her reservations out the window and let them float away on the brisk ocean breeze.
She had a lifetime to live with the agony of not being able to add to their family. Right now, she needed to lose herself in him.
Her soul aching with the depth of her love for this amazing man, she raised her gaze to his. ‘Show me.’
‘It’ll be my pleasure.’
Releasing her hand, he unbuttoned her top, slipping buttons through loops with slow precision, her breath catching each and every time his fingers grazed her skin.
Empowered by the adoration in his eyes, she shimmied out of it, her pulse skittering and jumping like a wild thing when he reached out and trailed a finger ever so slowly from one collarbone to the next, dipping briefly into her cleavage, teasing her, building the anticipation till she could barely stand.
‘Now, let me show you exactly how wild you drive me.’
A brief shiver rippled through her as his lips brushed against hers, once, twice, before he moved across the room, shook out several drop cloths and placed them on the ground as if laying out an ermine blanket for a princess to picnic on.
‘Care to join me?’
His slow, sexy smile captivated her, and she moved towards him, impelled by an overwhelming need to make memorable love with her husband.
The air around them seemed electrified as she put one foot in front of the other, drifting towards him, his gaze as soft as a caress, travelling over her face, her body, his adoring expression sending her spirits soaring and making her body tremble.
Taking his outstretched hand, she let out a ragged breath as they sank onto the floor together, and in a flurry of discarded clothes and desperate fondling and frantic caresses, with the late afternoon sun streaming through the windows and casting sensuous shadows against the stark walls, Camryn ignored her reservations, her worries and the conviction she would never be enough for him, and lost herself in the pleasure of her incredibly special husband.
CHAPTER EIGHT
BLANE followed the exuberant squeals coming from the backyard of his youngest sister’s place, preparing for the launch of two tiny bodies into his arms.
As much as he loved Jodi, he knew he wouldn’t spend half as much time here if it wasn’t for the twins, James and Jemma.
Patting down his pockets to make sure he hadn’t forgotten this week’s treat, he rounded the corner and pushed through the back gate, bracing himself as the twins lifted their heads in unison at the squeak of the rusty hinge, caught sight of him, and rocketed out of the sandpit, making a beeline straight for him.
‘Hey, kiddos.’
He bent down and opened his arms a split second before two sturdy bodies hurled themselves at him, wrapping grubby hands around his neck and slobbering sloppy kisses on his cheeks.
‘Uncle Blay, Uncle Blay!’ they yelled in chorus, trying to outdo each other in the clambering stakes, grabbing his hair, his ears, and giggling like they’d sculled a litre of fizzy drinks.
‘Hey, you two.’ He tickled and hugged them till the noise level reached ear-splitting levels, disentangling arms and legs before setting James on his feet and Jemma alongside him. ‘Have you been good for your mum this week?’
‘Uh-huh.’ James, bold as brass, blue eyes wide and expectant, stared at his pockets while his sister, suddenly shy, stuck her thumb in her mouth.
‘I’m the one you should be asking.’
He smiled as Jodi waddled towards them, trying to balance a tray laden with fruit, water and dry crackers, her round belly protruding much further than last week. ‘Ask me again why I wanted another one after the terrible two.’
Taking the tray from her, he dropped a kiss on her cheek. ‘Terrific two, you mean.’
As she eased into a chair, her face creased into a fond smile as she saw the twins standing still like a couple of expectant angels, not making a sound.
‘They are pretty terrific most of the time. Though you know they’re only ever quiet like this when you bribe them as you do every week.’
Pouring a glass of iced water and handing it to her, he said, ‘It’s not bribery, it’s spoiling my favourite niece and nephew.’
‘Don’t let Sandy and Monica hear that. You know they think their kids are godsends.’
Laughing, he bent down to the twins’ level and pretended to rummage in his pockets.
‘Hmm…what have I got here?’
At the familiar question, the twins abandoned their good behaviour and started climbing all over him again.
‘James! Jemma!’
He winked at Jodi over James’s shoulder, disengaging two pairs of cloying hands before producing matching miniature diggers from each pocket.
‘Wow,’ the twins said in unison, eyes wide as they grabbed the brightly coloured toy earth movers, already running for the sandpit to bury their latest treasure.
‘Hey, what do you say? And what about your snack?’
The twins pulled up short at the sound of their mother’s firm tone and turned back to him. ‘Thaaank yooou, Uncle Blaaaay…’
They drew out each word in the usual way kids did when told to thank someone, whirling away the minute he smiled at them.
‘They can have their snack later,’ he said, catching sight of Jodi’s frown. ‘Let them have a play.’
Rolling her eyes, she offered him the fruit platter. ‘You’re a pushover. Wait till you have kids of your own. You’ll see.’
His smile faded as he selected a bunch of grapes and slid onto the wooden bench opposite.
‘Hey, what did I say?’
‘Nothing.’
He popped several grapes into his mouth at once, chewing thoughtfully, wondering how much he should tell his sister.
‘Come on, bro. Spill it. This has to be about a woman.’
Not just a woman. The woman.
The woman he’d half fallen in love with the moment he’d first laid eyes on her, the woman he’d walked away from six years earlier, the woma
n to complete him, to make his dreams come true.
But she still harboured doubts. He’d seen it in her expressive eyes when she’d told him about her difficulty bearing kids, he’d seen it in her tense body language on the trip back to Melbourne afterwards.
He should be ecstatic she loved the house and had agreed to give their marriage a second chance, but he couldn’t dispel the gloomy feeling that something wasn’t quite right, that Cam didn’t believe him when he’d said she was all he needed to make his life complete.
Eyes narrowed, Jodi stabbed an apple slice in his direction.
‘She doesn’t want kids! That’s why you got that funny look on your face when I mentioned kids of your own.’
Shaking his head, he gulped down a glass of water to ease the sudden constriction in his throat at the thought of never having children.
‘It’s not as simple as that.’
‘Then how simple is it?’
Knowing she’d never let him leave without some snippet of the truth, he sat back and interlocked his hands behind his head.
‘It’s Cam.’
Jodi sat bolt upright, wincing as her belly grazed the table. ‘The Cam? As in the teenager-you-married-then-walked-away-from Cam? As in love-of-your-life Cam? The Cam we’ve all heard about but never met?’
He smiled, used to his sister’s dramatics. ‘That’s the one.’
‘What’s going on with you two? Did you find her? Are you reuniting?’
Jodi rested her folded arms on the top of her belly and glared at him. ‘Come on, bro, spill it before I go into premature labour trying to get the teensiest bit of gossip out of you.’
Chuckling, he tilted his face up to the sun, closed his eyes and enjoyed the warmth on his face, knowing it would drive his nosy sister batty.
‘Blane, I’m not kidding. Either you tell me this very minute or I’ll get Sandy and Mon and Mum on the phone in a conference call right this very minute and—’