by KA Sterritt
You’re safe on your pedestal, Mum. You’re frozen in time.
A beautiful life snuffed out in its prime.
My heroine, my teacher. You were my protector and friend.
Life going forward, I just can’t comprehend.
You were creative and generous. You were thoughtful and kind.
I can’t help feeling you’ve left me behind.
What will we do now, from our own private hell?
These words are nothing more than a reluctant farewell.
Breathe in and breathe out, one step in front of the other.
My broken heart’s bleeding for the loss of my mother.
I ran my finger over the words and was stabbed with the familiar mixture of emotions – grief, anger and betrayal. This poem had become my armour, deeply etched into my damaged heart.
Chapter Eight
Snatched from sleep by a buzzing sound, my brain eventually worked out that my phone was vibrating on my bedside table. The lamp was still on and my journal lay open on my chest. I was still clutching Mum’s charm bracelet; it had made tiny impressions on my palm. My head was pounding and my eyes were puffy. Trying not to move too quickly, I reached gingerly for my buzzing phone. “Hi, Dad.”
“Hi, sweetheart. I just wanted to say happy birthday for yesterday. I know you don’t like us calling on the day…”
“It’s okay, Dad. How are you?” I asked, feeling the tightness in my head worsen.
Each year, the grief Dad felt on the anniversary of Mum’s death was exacerbated by the guilt he felt for not wanting to celebrate my birthday. We spoke irregularly and said very little. Every time we spoke, I was reminded of how much he missed my mother, and how lost he was without her. Just like I was. It wasn’t what he said – it was what he didn’t say. He was distant and detached, a shell of his former self. In the years following her death, I tried to hold it all together for my sisters as much as I could. But for Dad, I knew I was a constant reminder of her. It felt like every time he looked at me, he slipped further into his grief. When I finished school, I moved out and went to university. I saw them less and less. It seemed better that way.
“I was hoping you could come over tomorrow for lunch. April and Jamie will be there, and Connor, of course. We haven’t had a meal together in ages. Bring Audrey if she’d like to come. I’d love to see her too.”
“Um, yeah, okay, sure. Sounds good. I gotta go though, Dad.”
Collapsing back on my pillow, I sent Jason a quick text asking if he wanted to go for a run. I had given up trying to make Audrey and Zara run with me years ago. They preferred exercising at the gym. Something to do with the muscly personal trainers, no doubt. But Jason and I both loved to run. Today, I was hoping it would help clear my foggy head. His reply came quickly – he would meet me in twenty minutes.
I scribbled a note for the still-sleeping Audrey and Zara, then made my way downstairs and across the road into Hyde Park. My thoughts turned to Ryan. I couldn’t help wondering what he would be doing this weekend. Where does he live? Does he have a girlfriend? Why am I wondering if he has a girlfriend? Do I want to be his girlfriend? Why am I wondering these things about a client? What’s wrong with me?
Completely lost in my thoughts, Jason surprised me with his usual, affectionate greeting. The man liked to hug.
“Hey, gorgeous. How’s your head?”
“Hoping a run will sort me out.”
“Right then, let’s go. Try to keep up,” he said, sprinting off. We always took the same route on weekends – past St Mary’s Cathedral and the art gallery, then around the harbour foreshore to the Opera House. Spectacular.
Jason was fit. Really fit. Keeping up with him was a bit of a struggle, but I enjoyed the challenge. The best strategy was to send my mind elsewhere, away from the burning in my muscles. Unsurprisingly, I thought about Ryan. There was no doubt I was attracted to him. Of course I was. He was ridiculously handsome. But there was something more that drew me in. When he looked at me with those deep, blue eyes, I felt beautiful and desired, but I also felt… weak and out of control. I stopped suddenly at the realisation.
Bending over, I put my hands on my knees, desperately drawing air into my lungs. I was going to be working for a man I was wildly attracted to, and had an unprecedented connection with. That was bad enough. But something about Ryan Davenport made me think it would almost be worth throwing my career away just to have one night with him.
What the hell?
“You okay?” Jason put his hand on my back.
I just nodded, then straightened up and started jogging again, a little slower this time. We were almost back to Hyde Park anyway. I knew I wouldn’t make it if I spoke even one word. As soon as we got back to our starting point, I collapsed in a heap on the grass. Sweat was pouring off me and I felt a little dizzy. Jason, on the other hand, looked like he could run the same route all over again. He lifted his white t-shirt and wiped a thin layer of sweat from his brow, revealing his tanned six pack. Staring at Jason’s abs, I found myself wondering what it would be like to run my hands over Ryan’s chest and abs. Jason smirked at me, then held out his hand to help me up.
As we wandered back towards my apartment, I felt him looking at me.
“What?” I asked meeting his eyes.
“There’s something different about you today. I can’t put my finger on it.”
“Different how?” I asked, genuinely curious.
“Well, for a start, you’ve never looked at me the way you did when I lifted my shirt. Looked like you were checking me out.” It was obvious from his grin that he was happy about it.
The flush rising from my neck was unavoidable. He’d caught me staring. Explaining it was the problem. I needed to find a way to shut this conversation down before I did any real damage.
“Err… it was just that Audrey mentioned something about you the other day and I was just thinking about that. Don’t read anything into it, pretty boy.”
“So what did Audrey say about me?”
“Oh, she was just complaining that none of the men asking her out were as hot as you. Don’t go getting a big head now. You’re not that hot.” I punched him gently on the arm to reinforce our friendship-only status.
“So Audrey thinks I’m hot?”
“Surely you knew that? She hasn’t exactly made a secret of it.”
Jason didn’t say anything. When I glanced over at him, he seemed a million miles away.
“Hey, Jase. Can I ask you something?”
Shaking his head as if he was trying to empty out the thoughts, he looked at me, smiling warmly. “Of course.”
“Why don’t you ask Audrey out?” He appeared completely blindsided by the question.
“Are you serious? We’re friends. It’s not like that. Geez, Holly, where is this coming from?”
“You started it by asking if I was checking you out.”
“Well, I regret it now. Can we drop this? Are we getting coffee?”
“Come upstairs and we’ll grab Aud and Zara.”
Chapter Nine
The four of us spent the rest of the day together. On Saturday night we went to our favourite club, Moon, where Zara’s quasi-boyfriend, Jake, was the DJ. I couldn’t help noticing Jason looking quizzically at Audrey. Perhaps I had planted a seed there? Audrey was a great dancer and guys couldn’t help being mesmerised. Jason seemed to be noticing her in a different light for the first time. I quickly shut down a brief flash of jealousy. I knew it was hypocritical to expect him to remain single if I couldn’t offer him the kind of relationship he wanted. He and Audrey would make an amazing couple.
Audrey, Zara and I had taken a ridiculously long time getting ready to go out. Jason had sat in our lounge room, groaning every time one of us changed our minds about our outfit.
I had finally settled on my black jeans and silver sequined off-the-shoulder top.
“You look perfect, Holly. Can we please go?” he begged.
Audrey had incredibly long
legs and made the most of them, wearing a killer black dress – short, with a low-cut back. Zara was the most risqué of the three of us. At first glance, the nude slip dress made her appear naked. In a million years, I wouldn’t have had the confidence to wear that, but she owned it.
Jason looked particularly handsome in his dark jeans. The black t-shirt he wore wasn’t tight, but it gripped his biceps, hinting at the toned body underneath. If I was willing to have a serious relationship, perhaps I would have risked our friendship to see if something could happen between us.
“Can I buy you a drink?” I was interrupted from staring at Jason and Audrey by the standard pick-up line.
“No, thanks,” I replied, then turned to see a surprisingly attractive guy.
“Just one drink and a five-minute conversation. After that, you can go back to watching your friends have a good time. What do you say?” I couldn’t help smiling. And who said I couldn’t have a little fun? Meeting Ryan had fired something up in me that I’d never experienced before. Given that I was going to be working for him on Monday, I was in need of a good distraction.
“One drink then,” I conceded. “Vodka cranberry.”
“I’m Sam, by the way.”
“Holly. It’s nice to meet you, Sam.” As I held out my hand, he boldly brought it to his lips. I looked him in the eye. There was no doubt Sam was a good-looking guy. His dark hair was cut short. His eyes might have been brown, or maybe a really deep green. Being in a dark club made it difficult to tell. But there was an unmistakable flash of lust in them. I was attracted to him, though there was none of the electricity I’d felt with Ryan.
Stop it, Holly. Forget about Ryan! Focus on the hot, available, uncomplicated guy right in front of you!
As soon as Sam headed off to the bar, Zara accosted me.
“Um, who was that fine specimen?” she asked.
“Sam.”
“What happened to the forbidden fruit of Mr Sex God, Ryan Davenport?”
“Seriously, Zara. You just said it. Ryan is forbidden fruit – I can’t think about him. Sam is going to help me with that.”
Sam reappeared with my drink. “One vodka cranberry, as requested.”
I quickly introduced him to Zara and he politely shook her hand.
Zara turned to me and winked. “Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do. Have fun, kids.”
With that, she skipped off towards Jake in the DJ box. I could see Audrey, by now commanding quite a crowd of admirers on the dance floor. Jason was still watching her.
“So, Holly. What is it you do?” The music wasn’t deafening but we still had to talk almost directly into each other’s ears to be heard.
“I’m an architect for Slater Jenkins.”
“Oh wow, that’s impressive. I hear that’s a difficult firm to get into.”
“Don’t tell me you’re an architect too?”
“No. I’m a structural engineer at Tresswells.”
“Oh, right. What do you specialise in?”
“Residential mainly, but I’ve been involved in a few commercial projects recently.” He took a sip of his beer. “Do you really want to talk about work?”
“Err… I guess not. Sorry. I can get a little one-track when it comes to work.”
“Don’t apologise, Holly. I love talking shop, but it’s getting a bit too noisy in here. Can my five-minute conversation be extended to one dance?”
I was so interested in his work that I had forgotten my five-minute deal. Despite the lack of chemistry, I was having a good time with Sam.
“Sure, why not?” I replied, letting him take my hand and lead me onto the dance floor.
When we were completely surrounded by jostling bodies, Sam pulled me into him. He started to move with a rhythm that not many guys possess. I was no Audrey but I could hold my own, and I enjoyed escaping into the music that was pumping through my chest. Wrapping my arms around his waist, I could feel the muscles in his back flex. I found myself enjoying the power I seemed to have over him, and decided to push a little further. We were already dancing extremely close, but I closed the tiny gap and could feel the tightness at the front of his jeans.
Sam’s lips were on my neck and his hands made their way to my backside, gently pulling me further into his body. It was already hot in the club, but we were both starting to sweat from the heat rising between us. Sam leaned down and looked directly at me, our lips not even an inch apart.
“You are so hot, Holly.” Our lips connected and I closed my eyes, hoping to feel even a fraction of a lightning bolt. Sam was a good kisser and I was determined to lose myself in him completely. I gently pulled back from the kiss and rested my head on his chest.
“Can my one dance be extended to a drink somewhere quieter?” Sam whispered in my ear.
This was the point of no return. I wanted to stay lost in him, so I nodded my head against his chest.
Knowing a quiet drink could lead to his apartment, I didn’t allow myself time to overthink it. It was just casual, emotionally detached sex – my comfort zone.
Sam held my hand and waved to a group of guys as he led me towards the exit. I caught Zara’s attention. She shrugged her shoulders, but nodded her head in understanding.
***
We stopped at a nearby bar. It was clear neither of us were particularly interested in a quiet drink or much conversation. Instead, we opted for a couple of shots. They helped eradicate any awkwardness a quieter location with a virtual stranger may have brought, along with any thoughts of my new client. Sam was great fun. He told so many jokes that my sides ached from laughing so hard. I was buzzed.
“So can a drink somewhere quieter be extended to a tour of my apartment?” he asked, moving his hand slightly further up my thigh. “I live just around the corner.”
I was ready for some steamy action from this smoking-hot guy. “Lead the way.”
Sam’s eyes sparkled. He stood up, grabbed my hand and led me towards the door. In typical form, I stumbled on a ridge in the carpet and fell forward. Fortunately, Sam managed to prevent my fall and we left the bar laughing at my clumsiness. I’m sure he was hoping I was less clumsy in the bedroom.
***
Sam’s apartment was a quintessential bachelor pad in a modern apartment building overlooking Cockle Bay. I’d drunk enough to have a good time but not so much that I failed to appreciate the building. By coincidence, Slater Jenkins architects had designed it and Tresswells construction had completed the build, about a year ago. I had never seen inside any of the apartments, and was impressed by the interior design and high-end fit out. The furnishings were minimalist and monochromatic. He could have done with a woman’s touch to add a sense of warmth. However, I was from the “less is more” school of design, so it was generally appealing to my critical eye. I couldn’t help wonder what Ryan’s apartment would look like. Shit.
Sensing my distraction, Sam pushed me against the lounge room wall and kissed me hard on the mouth. His hands made their way to my backside. Once again I could feel his erection straining in his pants, and it pressed into me. With the wall against my back and Sam’s hips grinding into me, I tried to shut my mind down and lose myself in the moment. His tongue greedily explored my mouth. My sequinned top was wrenched over my head, causing a few slightly awkward moments. I would no doubt be finding rogue sequins in my hair the following day. Breaking away briefly, he quickly rid himself of his own t-shirt, then resumed his exploration.
The guy knew what he was doing. It just wasn’t working for me. My mind was working overtime on providing interference. The way I’d felt when Ryan kissed me in the bar was all-consuming, and highly confusing. I knew I had to get him out of my mind, but this wasn’t the way to do it.
Sam’s hands moved to my zipper. I stopped him gently.
“I’m sorry, Sam.” I looked into his eyes so he could see that my apology was genuine. “I can’t do this now.”
“What the fuck, Holly?” He took a step back and put his hands on his head.
>
“I… um… I’m not feeling great.” It wasn’t a lie. I did feel mildly nauseous. “I think those shots are disagreeing with me.”
“Oh man, I’m going to need a cold shower now.” He smirked so I knew he wasn’t pissed off with me. “Are you sure?” He stepped forward and attempted to kiss me again.
Placing my hands on his bare chest, I pushed against him gently. “I’m really so sorry. Can I use your bathroom, please?”
Once I’d composed myself in his bathroom, I found Sam in the kitchen. He was leaning back against the counter sipping coffee.
“Coffee?” he asked, giving me a warm smile.
“No thanks. I might head home,” I replied, returning his smile. “I’m just going to call myself a cab.” I pulled out my phone and started scrolling through my contacts.
“Can I get your number, Holly? I had a really good time with you tonight, even if you are a tease.” He chuckled to himself.
He was a nice guy. This could have gone really badly – not all guys would have taken my change of heart as well. I gave him my number and he immediately dialled it so I would have his number, too. Sam was a fun, casual, good-looking guy. He was safe. Once I had sorted my head out, I’d be happy to see him again.
Chapter Ten
“Did you have a good night?” I asked Audrey when we eventually surfaced for a caffeine hit mid-morning.
“Yes and no,” she replied, taking the coffee mug I offered her. “The music was great and there were a few cute guys. One in particular – a surfer from the northern beaches.”
“That’s great. So what was the problem?”
“It’s probably nothing.” She appeared awkward and unsure. “Jason was a bit weird at the club. I caught him looking at me strangely a few times.”
“Oh,” I said sheepishly, staring into my coffee. “I may have told Jason you think he’s hot.” I clenched my teeth and scrunched up my face.