Crazy, Stupid, Dead

by Wendy Delaney

  Not my destination of choice because I was hoping to go for a walk in the mid-afternoon sunshine, but since he was following the scent of burgers wafting from the cafeteria grill, I was up for another shot of caffeine.

  Sitting at a table in the far corner away from some uniformed employees on break, I waited until Steve picked up his burger and fries and joined me to do a little grilling of my own.

  “So?” I asked, stealing one of his shoestring fries while he added ketchup to his burger. “Did Paula Easley give you the whole story of what happened that day?”

  “Yep. Probably one of the fastest confessions I ever got. Like she wanted to get it over with before her husband had another heart attack.”

  “What’d you think of her confession?”

  “That she’s in a lot of trouble.”

  “Who’d you talk to in my department for charges?”

  “Ben,” Steve said with his mouth full.

  I waited for him to finish chewing. “And?”

  Steve looked at me over his burger. “We’re charging her with murder one. Might be a little dicey to prove since there’s no conclusive evidence. But we got it in her own words how she helped her mother-in-law into the tub after crushing enough of those pills into her wine to make her pass out, so …”

  “Sounds like a strong-enough case to me,” I said while he took another bite.

  He locked on my gaze while he chewed. “Are you going to try the case as well as solve it?”

  “No, smart ass. But I can put two and two together, and see when someone is desperate to hide something.”

  “And I suppose this math occurred while you just happened to be helping out at Duke’s this morning.”

  I stole another one of his fries. “Exactly.”

  He smirked. “Uh-huh.”

  “So what happens next?”

  “That’s up to the judge at her arraignment. Won’t be until next week sometime.” Steve glanced at his watch. “She should be on her way to County by now. Shouldn’t this kid have happened by now, too?”

  “You’re asking me? I don’t know any more about it than you do.”

  I checked my phone for messages. Other than a frenzied text from Donna, who wouldn’t be able to get here until after her last appointment at five, nothing.

  I smiled across the table at Steve. “It’s kind of exciting though, isn’t it? The big day is finally here.”

  Stuffing his face, he nodded, focusing on his food.

  Okay, maybe that was a typical guy reaction. Given his recent editorial comments about the downside of parenthood, maybe I should have expected as much.

  I probably had enough of a flutter of excitement in my gut for the two of us despite the coffee acid bath I was giving those restless butterflies.

  After he finished his burger, I noticed Steve searching my face. “What?” I asked.

  “Are you doing okay?”

  “It’s just been a long, weird day, and it’s not over yet.”

  He took my hand and we headed back upstairs to the waiting area, where a beaming Eddie was in the hallway with both sets of parents and some siblings outside of Rox’s room.

  I rushed to join them. “Do we have a baby?”

  Eddie grinned. “We have a baby. Alexander David. Seven pounds, eight ounces. Twenty inches long. And with a set of lungs on him that you wouldn’t believe.”

  Steve shook his hand. “Congratulations, Pop. How’s Rox?”

  “Great. Tired but absolutely great,” Eddie said, opening the door to her room. “And she’s ready to have you come in if you’d like to meet our little guy.”

  Standing at the foot of Rox’s bed, I waved to my best friend while everyone washed their hands to take a turn holding the baby. “Considering you just pushed a little human out of your body, you look awesome.”

  Her room had low light with the curtains drawn, but Rox glowed with joy as she watched her mother holding her first grandbaby. “Char, you’re a wonderful liar. Now, wash up so that you can hold him.”

  Those butterflies in my tummy took a swan dive as I stepped to the sink behind me and turned on the hot water.

  What was my problem? I’d been looking forward to holding this baby since the first day I found out I was going to be an auntie. But the closer the sleeping little bundle being passed from arm to arm got to me, the faster my heart pounded.

  “Are you ready?” Erica, Rox’s younger sister, asked, carefully supporting the baby’s head to make the transfer.

  Hot tears seared my eye sockets as I took Alexander David Fiske into my arms. “Hello, Alex. I’m your auntie Char.” And you feel so impossibly good. “Want to meet Uncle Steve?” I asked, passing the baby to the great guy on my left who was supposed to be immune to the charm of little babies, but he had a sappy grin on his face.

  Then I completely lost it when Alex latched onto Steve’s finger. “Excuse me a minute,” I blubbered, escaping into the hallway with the ache in my heart bubbling north to lodge in my throat.

  “What’s wrong with you?” Steve asked when he wrapped his arms around me seconds later. “You’ve been waiting to hold that baby for months.”

  “You don’t want a baby,” I sobbed into the shoulder seam of his black polo shirt.

  “Who said?”

  He started to stroke my back, and I pushed him away. “You did!”

  Steve leveled his gaze at me. “I never said that.”

  “You said as much on numerous occasions.” Okay. Maybe two, but I felt indignant about having to wipe my nose on my shirtsleeve and wasn’t in the mood to provide him an entirely accurate count.

  He ducked into the public restroom behind him and handed me some tissue. “I may have pointed out the sleepless hours that Eddie and Rox have ahead of them, but I never would have said that I don’t want a baby.”

  Walking away from him to salvage a little of my dignity, I blew my nose.

  Steve stepped up behind me, radiating so much heat as he pulled me close that the cork I’d used to bottle my tears melted.

  He gently turned me and wiped away my tears with the pad of his thumb. “We haven’t really talked about this, but it kinda seems like now’s the right time for it, if you’re ready.”

  Was Steve asking me if I was ready to have THE TALK about having children together?

  Oh, heck no!

  Steve laced his fingers with mine. “Would you like to have a baby?”

  Yes. “Someday.”

  He pulled me a little closer. “Maybe when you meet the right guy?”

  I nodded while I desperately prayed I wouldn’t start ugly crying.

  “Maybe with someone who couldn’t love you more even though you make me crazy sometimes.”

  Staring into a sea of molten chocolate, I wondered if my brain was short-circuiting because I seemed to have lost my ability to speak.

  Steve cocked his head. “It’s your turn to say something.”

  I cleared the clog of emotion from my throat. “So tell me again. Do you want a baby?”

  “I do.”

  “With me, I mean.”

  He grimaced. “Who else would I mean?”

  I threw my arms around his neck. “I love you too.”

  THE END

  Thank you for reading Crazy, Stupid, Dead. I hope you enjoyed spending time with Char, Steve, and the Duke’s Cafe gang. To help other readers discover this book, I’d be very grateful if you’d post a short review at the site where you bought the book.

  Thanks so much for your support!

  Dedication

  For Dad

  Duke wouldn’t be “the Duke” without you.

  About the Author

  Wendy Delaney writes fun-filled cozy mysteries and is the award-winning author of the Working Stiffs Mystery series. A longtime member of Mystery Writers of America, she's a Food Network addict and pastry chef wannabe. When she's not killing off story people she can be found on her treadmill,
working off the calories from her latest culinary adventure. Wendy lives in the Seattle area with the love of her life and has two grown sons.

  For some fun conversation and book news as it happens, please join Wendy at her Facebook hangout, Duke’s Cafe.

  To keep up on Wendy’s news, go to www.wendydelaney.com and subscribe to her newsletter. Not only will you stay up-to-date with book news, you’ll be entered in a drawing to win a Duke’s Cafe coffee mug! We’ll also have periodic drawings to win print books—your opportunity to read/review Wendy’s new releases in paperback! All you have to do is go to the “Newsletter” page and provide your name and email address. Easy peasy!

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  Acknowledgments

  Like Rox, I started to think that my “baby,” Crazy, Stupid, Dead, might never be born. But after a few labor pains and the kind assistance of some special people in my life, Working Stiffs Mystery #7 was able to make its way into the world. Whew!

  Kathy Coatney and Jody Sherin, you were instrumental in the idea stage. Thank you for lending me your brains and for being just an email away whenever I needed you.

  Thanks as always to my resident “guy” and advisor, Jeff—my Mr. Fix-it.

  To “K,” my “cop stuff” advisor, I’m so appreciative of the timely and thoughtful assistance you provide me. Steve, who needs to sound like a police detective, thanks you too!

  Elizabeth Flynn, sock diva and editor extraordinaire, I can’t thank you enough for squeezing me into your busy schedule.

  Bonnie Terry, you didn’t get a vote, but I appreciate you letting me use your name.

  Lastly, I offer my heartfelt thanks to my dream team of beta-readers and supporters: Diane Garland, Heather Chargualaf, Deidre Herzog, Lori Dubiel, Susan Cambra, Brandy Lanfair-Jones, Cindy Nelson, Vicki Huskey, Jan Dobbins, Kimber Hungerman, Amber Lassig, Beth Rosin, Connie Lightner, Brenda Randolph, Christie Marks, DeAnna Shaikoski, Barb Harland, Kath Maches, Donna Peterson, Rebecca Reitze, Beth Carpenter, Renee Arthur, and Karen Haverkate. And thank you, Team Delaney! You all rock, and I’m very grateful to have you with me on my writing journey.

  More by this Author

  The Working Stiffs Mystery Series

  Trudy, Madly, Deeply

  Sex, Lies, and Snickerdoodles

  There’s Something About Marty

  You Can’t Go Gnome Again

  Dogs, Lies, and Alibis

  No Wedding For Old Men

  Crazy, Stupid, Dead

  TRUDY, MADLY, DEEPLY (Book 1)

  Meet Charmaine Digby, human lie detector.

  Char’s psyched to put her ability to the test as the County Coroner's new investigative assistant . . .

  But she sure never expected she’d need it to solve a murder!

  Of course, that was before she got her first assignment. Interview the hunky doctor reporting the suspicious death of Trudy, a family friend and one of several elderly patients at the hospital whose heart mysteriously stopped.

  Coincidence? More likely, there’s a murderer on the loose!

  In hot pursuit of the truth, Char’s on the case, much to the irritation of her cop buddy, who doesn't want her to stick her nose in his investigation.

  But she had better keep her eyes open or the next body on the way to the morgue could be hers!

  SEX, LIES, AND SNICKERDOODLES (Book 2)

  Everybody's got a secret. A secret crush. A secret liaison. A secret recipe. And for a deadly few . . . a secret murder.

  Port Merritt's favorite bad boy, Russell Falco, was a seasoned veteran of secret liaisons. But after his body washes up on the shore of Merritt Bay, Deputy Coroner and human lie detector, Charmaine Digby, suspects one of those liaisons got Russell killed.

  Secrets. Lies. Cookie-baking rivals. And a dead guy. Char's on the case and is determined to find the killer . . . if the killer doesn't find her first!

  THERE’S SOMETHING ABOUT MARTY (Book 3)

  It was Marty McCutcheon’s bad luck to die on his birthday. Then again, since Marty is the third husband his young widow will be burying, maybe luck had nothing to do with it.

  As Deputy Coroner Charmaine Digby discovers when she questions Marty’s widow about his sudden death, she had ample opportunity to kill him. Victoria McCutcheon even admits as much, right before she asks Char to solve her husband’s murder. What? A suspected black widow who wants her husband’s murderer brought to justice? Victoria McCutcheon is either the most skillful liar Char has ever encountered or someone else has spun a web of lies to cover their murderous tracks. But who, and why?

  With no hard evidence to go on, it’s up to Char and her ability as a human lie detector to break this case wide open. Assuming that someone doesn’t crack her skull open first!

  YOU CAN’T GO GNOME AGAIN (Book 4)

  Four garden gnomes and their owner, Emmy Lee Barstow, mysteriously disappear and then she’s located the next day—dead!

  A bizarre coincidence? Maybe.

  Just plain weird? Definitely!

  Deputy Coroner and human lie detector, Charmaine Digby, is determined to get to the bottom of this murder mystery and has no shortage of suspects. All she needs to do is unravel a dangerous web of lies . . . without becoming the next victim!

  DOGS, LIES, AND ALIBIS (Book 5)

  Why is Colt Ziegler’s dog on the loose? More puzzling, how did Colt, a down-on-his-luck limo driver, end up dead hours after a botched break-in?

  Colt’s dog sure isn’t providing any answers. Neither is Deputy Coroner Charmaine Digby’s childhood friend, George “Little Dog” Bassett, after he’s charged with Colt’s murder.

  Little Dog . . . a murderer? Impossible!

  Enlisted to help the prosecution prove their case, Char turns a nightmare assignment into an opportunity to do some sleuthing and clear her friend’s name. But the closer she gets to the truth, the greater her risk of becoming the next victim!

  NO WEDDING FOR OLD MEN (Book 6)

  Ted was a recent widower looking to remarry. But instead of finding another bride, he’s the one who is found . . . dead!

  There’s never a good time for a murder. When it happens right before the wedding of Deputy Coroner Charmaine Digby's diva mother, it’s the absolute worst time, especially after Char’s high school crush emerges as a prime suspect.

  Romance may be in the air, but Char is convinced that someone made sure that Ted wouldn’t find his happily ever after. But who? And will she catch the killer before another wedding is ruined?

  Find out in the 6th Working Stiffs Mystery, No Wedding For Old Men.

  Copyright

  CRAZY, STUPID, DEAD

  Copyright © 2019 by Wendy Delaney

  All rights reserved. Except as permitted under the U.S. Copyright Act of 1976, no part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means now known or hereafter invented, or stored in a database or retrieval system, without the prior written permission of the author, Wendy Delaney.

  This book is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents are the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, business establishments, events, or locales is coincidental.

  Cover by Lewellen Designs

  ISBN-13: 978-0-9986597-2-5

  Sugarbaker Press, Publisher