The Darwin Awards 4: Intelligent Design

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The Darwin Awards 4: Intelligent Design Page 18

by Wendy Northcutt


  Its legacy would shake the scientific community to its core.

  One immediate benefit was that SN1987A demolished Young Earth Creationism, a belief that the universe was created only six thousand to ten thousand years ago. As seen with the eye of the mighty Hubble Space Telescope, the remnant of SN1987A is a single bright dot, surrounded by double offset rings of incandescent debris and a smaller primary ring centered on the core of what had once been the star. Because the apparent width of the ring can be measured, and because the actual diameter can be obtained using basic astrophysics, astronomers can directly calculate the distance to the supernova using simple trigonometry. That distance is 168,000 light-years. And scientists can categorically state that the light from SN1987A has not changed velocity during the transit. The conclusion is straightforward: She blew up 168,000 years ago, or about 160,000 years before Young Earth Creationists claim the universe existed.

  But a more significant legacy of SN1987A would leave astronomers picking their collective jaw up off the floor. Observations of SN1987A led cosmologists to a new standard candle (an astronomical object with a known luminosity used to calculate distance) in a certain type of stellar remnant. The new technique allowed them to measure with unprecedented accuracy how fast galaxies are separating from one another. The results were astounding.

  After meticulous observation to measure how fast the expansion of the universe was slowing down, the stunning conclusion was that the rate wasn’t decreasing at all. The universe was expanding all right, but the rate of expansion was increasing. The universe was accelerating outward! The key to making the equations balance was a mysterious force dubbed “dark energy,” which accounts for more than two-thirds of the mass of the entire cosmos. What we think of as “the universe”—stars, planets, light, atoms, and energy—is but a light frothing of what physicists call baryonic matter floating in an invisible sea of dark energy. And since this mysterious force is increasing in magnitude, if unchecked it will grow and grow, until galaxies, stars, planets, atoms, and even black holes are torn asunder: The Big Bang will end in the Big Rip!

  Which brings us back to the puzzle of the universe being younger than the oldest stars within it. The formerly accepted estimate for the age of the universe was based on the false assumption that the expansion was slowing down. That age is a bit less than the new figure arrived at by assuming the rate of expansion is increasing. This explains the discrepancy between the age of the universe and the oldest stars within it. And although astronomers and physicists are now at an absolute loss to explain dark energy, at least the conundrum of old stars in a younger universe is cleared up.

  Serendipity is waiting to strike again: The tantalizing clues into the nature of the dark-energy phenomena hint that, once resolved, the results will be as significant as when Isaac Newton was conked on the head with an apple.

  References: Fact-checked with Dr. Sean Carroll, Assistant Professor of Physics, University of Chicago

  Appendices

  WEBSITE BIOGRAPHY

  The Darwin Awards archive was born on a Stanford University webserver in 1994. Its cynical view of the human species made it a favorite speaker in classrooms, offices, and pubs around the world. News of the website spread by word of mouth, and submissions flew in from far and wide. As the archive grew, so did its acclaim.

  The website matriculated to its own domain in 1997, won dozens of Internet awards, and now ranks among the top 3,000 most-visited websites. It currently entertains half a million visitors per month in its comfortable Silicon Valley home. Guests are welcome to set off fireworks and play on the trampoline.

  www.DarwinAwards.com is the locus for official Darwin Awards and related tales of misadventure. New accounts of terminal stupidity appear daily in the public Slush Pile. Visitors can vote on stories, sign up for a free email newsletter, and share their opinions on the Philosophy Forum—a community of free thinkers who enjoy numerous philosophical, political, and scientific conversations.

  Some stories in this book include a URL directing you to a webpage with more information. All the hyperlinks can be explored starting from this portal:

  www.DarwinAwards.com/book

  AUTHOR BIOGRAPHIES

  Wendy Northcutt studied molecular biology at Berkeley, worked in a neuroscience research laboratory at Stanford, and later joined a biotech startup developing treatments for cancer and diabetes. She wrote the Darwin Awards while waiting for her dastardly genetic manipulations to yield results.

  Eventually Wendy shrugged aside lab responsibilities in favor of an offbeat career. She now works as a webmaster, and writes both code and prose for the Darwin Awards website. Much of her time is spent wishing she could catch up on work.

  In her free time, Wendy chases eclipses, spends time with friends, and inhabits an increasingly eccentric wardrobe. Interests include reading, cooking, cats, gardening, and glassblowing. The vagaries of human behaviour continue to intrigue her.

  Christopher M. Kelly is a writer and gifted Renaissance man. He graduated from Stanford University, worked at Apple Computer in Cupertino, and wrote a forthcoming biography about the man who invented the multivitamin, as well as the cult humor book It’s Okay to Be Happy, in an attempt to cheer up a depressed girlfriend. Chris now lives in his hometown of Spokane, where he can be found scribbling in coffee shops, and participating in the Entrepreneurs Forum of the Great Northwest (www.efgn.org). His current project is turning Spokane into an entrepreneurial Mecca.

  Chris is in danger of winning a Darwin Award. He needs a muse and a mate. Chris seeks an attractive, intelligent, and kind woman to be his partner, his inspiration, and the mother of his offspring. Chris deserves to remain in the gene pool. Please don’t let Chris’s genes die out!

  www.DarwinAwards.com/book/chris.html

  BIOGRAPHIES OF CONTRIBUTORS

  Annaliese Beery is a graduate student in neuroscience. Annaliese loves the entire field of biology, from molecular genetics to ecology. She spent several years teaching high school students AP biology, chemistry, computer science, and AP environmental science. While it’s hard to beat summers off for field studies and outdoor adventures, Annaliese pried herself away from teaching and began her Ph.D. program a few years ago. She still collects biology stories of all kinds.

  Annaliese contributed two essays:

  “Love Bites,” page 90.

  “The Skinny on Fat,” page 250.

  Stephen Darksyde is a freelance science writer with a strong background in math and physics. He has a longstanding interest in conveying the wonder and importance of science to the layperson. Stephen writes regularly for the Daily Kos, one of the most visited blogs in the world. He lives near Kennedy Space Center in Florida in “Darksyde Manor” with Mrs. DS, a cat named Nikki, and a dog named Darwin.

  Stephen contributed four essays:

  “AIDS, Bubonic Plague, and Human Evolution,” page 26

  “Aquatic Apes Are People, Too!,” page 66

  “Endogenous Retroviruses and Evolution,” page 150

  “The End of the Universe,” page 283.

  Peter McDonnell is a freelance illustrator who has been creating pop art, comic book, and cartoon illustrations for a long list of national clients for over twenty years. After living and working in the beautiful-but-foggy city of San Francisco since 1981, he and his wife Shannon packed up their baby boy, Jacob, and their respective studios, and moved to the sunny town of Petaluma, forty miles north of the Golden Gate Bridge. Explore Peter’s work at www.mcdonnellillustration.com.

  James G. Petropoulos was born and raised in Queens, New York City. He attended Fordham Preparatory School in the Bronx and Northwestern University in Evanston, Illinois (BA, Naval Commission). James works as an animator and director in traditional drawn media and CGI. He served as a Naval Reserve officer for eleven years and is now a bandsman with the 199th Army Band, NY Army National Guard. He is a professional bandleader and jazz percussionist, as well as a Sunday School teacher, Freemason, and Darwin
Awards moderator.

  James contributed the essay,

  “Brother, Can You Spare a Banana?” on page 118.

  Scientist Tom Schneider studies the mathematics of biology. “Living things are too beautiful for there not to be a mathematics that describes them.” He spends his free time on the contra dance floor, and cohabits with a cactus named Hairy who has not yet participated in pasta experiments.

  Tom contributed the parody scientific research paper,

  “Origin of the Novel Species Noodleous doubleous,” page 17.

  Norm Sleep teaches geophysics at Stanford University. His interests include conditions on the Earth and the habitability of other planets. He was born in Kalamazoo, Michigan, and grew up in the paper mill town of Parchment. He graduated from Michigan State University and arrived at MIT during the plate tectonic scientific revolution. His thesis was on subducting slabs. He taught at Northwestern University before moving to Stanford. His interest in habitability stems from his work on hydrothermal circulation at midoceanic ridges and his work on the feeble tectonic activity on Mars.

  Norm contributed the essay,

  “Chicken Little Was Right,” on page 182.

  Maia Smith will not be returning to school this fall. Instead, she plans to travel full-time, returning to Martha’s Vineyard each summer to work, hang out with friends, and decompress. Her list of possible careers includes any combination of midwife, bush pilot, artist, commercial diver, overseas English teacher, ethicist, and satirist; for now, “professional vagrant” seems apt. Her most recent travels are chronicled on her website, www.maiasadventures.com.

  Maia contributed the essay,

  “Forensic Analysis: Achieving Justice,” on page 226.

  Location Index

  Australia

  Darwin

  Melbourne

  Sydney

  Victoria

  Austria

  Bahamas

  Belgium

  Brazil

  Cambodia

  Phnom Penh

  Canada

  Calgary

  Ontario

  Ottawa

  Quebec

  Vancouver

  Croatia

  Denmark

  East Timor

  France

  Germany

  Munich

  Hong Kong

  India

  New Delhi

  Indonesia

  Ambon

  Italy

  Malaysia

  Mexico

  Escobedo

  New Zealand

  Norway

  Oslo

  Romania

  Russia

  Moscow

  Siberia

  Serbia

  Singapore

  South Africa

  Johannesburg

  Stellenbosch

  Spain

  Madrid

  Switzerland

  St. Maurice im Wallis

  Taiwan

  Thailand

  The Netherlands

  UK

  England

  Northern Ireland

  Ukraine

  USA

  Arkansas

  California

  Colorado

  Connecticut

  Florida

  Georgia

  Idaho

  Indiana

  Kansas

  Kentucky

  Michigan

  Minnesota

  Missouri

  Montana

  New Jersey

  New York

  Oklahoma

  Oregon

  Pennsylvania

  Texas

  Utah

  Virginia

  Washington

  Washington, D.C.

  West Virginia

  Wisconsin

  Wyoming

  Vietnam

  Zambia

  Zimbabwe

  Story Index

  4-1-0 Club (Darwin Award)

  A Closer Look at Victoria Falls (Darwin Award)

  A Fast Escape (Honorable Mention)

  A Honey of a Buzz (Darwin Award)

  A Medical First at Oktoberfest (Honorable Mention)

  AIDS, Bubonic Plague, and Human Evolution (Science Essay)

  Aim to Win (Darwin Award)

  Air Freshener (Personal Account)

  airplane

  Bombardier CRJ200

  alcohol

  alcohol dehydrogenase enzyme

  All Wound Up (Darwin Award)

  Amateur Bomb Inspector (Darwin Award)

  amateur

  arborist

  auto mechanic

  fireman

  herpetologist

  home repair

  motorcycle mechanic

  parachutist

  scientist

  spy

  stunt man

  vacuum repair

  Annaliese Beery, Science Writer

  anvil

  Aquatic Apes are People, Too! (Science Essay)

  Asphalt Tattoo (Darwin Award)

  auger

  cement

  ice

  Auto Blotto (Darwin Award)

  axe

  Baked Bullet Surprise (Honorable Mention)

  balcony

  handstand

  spitting

  Bannister to Heaven (Darwin Award)

  barrel, oak

  battery, car

  bayonet attack

  bear cub, abducted

  bees

  call of nature

  stealing honey

  bicycle. See vehicle.

  bike, mountain

  bird hunting

  birthday

  bison

  BlackCats in the Pants (Personal Account)

  Blast from the Past (Personal Account)

  boat. See vehicle.

  Bottom of the Barrel (Darwin Award)

  bowel obstruction

  Brake Care (Personal Account)

  brake fluid, substitute

  breathalyzer

  bridge

  briefcase, armed

  Brother, Can You Spare a Banana? (Science Essay)

  Bufo Marinus (Personal Account)

  bugs, fumigation

  bullet

  blanks

  in groin

  Bullet-Brain (Personal Account)

  bungee cord

  buoyancy, of vehicle

  butchers, angry

  camera

  camping

  canoe

  Captain Magneto (Personal Account)

  car jack

  battery as

  Bobcat as

  Catapult to Glory (Darwin Award)

  Catching the Boat (Honorable Mention)

  Caught in the Auger (Darwin Award)

  cell phone

  Chicken Little Was Right (Science Essay)

  Chicken to Go (Darwin Award)

  Chimney-Cleaning Grenade (Darwin Award)

  chocolate

  cigarette

  at gas station

  in munitions warehouse

  in outhouse

  with thallium

  Clean Brake (Honorable Mention)

  Cleaning Solution (Personal Account)

  Cold Call (Darwin Award)

  Coleman stove

  fuel

  college. See university.

  competition

 

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