by Nancy Moser
Cal shook his head. “I've seen the light and found it much too glaring and harsh.”
Unfortunately, from what he'd said before, he wasn't exaggerating. How could she ever dispel a lifetime of opinions and experiences? She felt tears threaten. “I don't know how to reach you, Cal.”
“Maybe I'm unreachable. Have you ever considered that?”
Actually…
He raised his knees and rested his arms on them. “The way you've gotten so caught up in God scares me.”
She reached toward him, but he pulled away. “It shouldn't. It should make you want what I have. I tried to do it your way, to ignore God. But I couldn't without feeling as though I was being disobedient to Him.”
“I will never be that obsessed about anything.”
“I'm not obsessed, Cal. I'm committed.”
He sighed. “Don't you see that I want you to be that committed to mer
“I am committed to you.”
“Not like that.” One hand clasped his other. “Sometimes, when you aren't looking, I study you and see this peace in your face, this utterly contented look, as if you are fantasizing about the most delicious food or the most beautiful place on the earth.”
But He is my food. And faith is a beautiful place to live.
“You look so…so utterly satisfied.”
She wanted to burst out with, That's exactly what I am! He is my total satisfaction! He is everything to me! But she didn't. It was almost as if a restraining hand had been placed on her arm. Take it easy, Annie. Don't scare him away from Me. This isnt about you. This is about him. About him and Me.
She pulled her legs beneath her and sat on her knees facing her husband. She tried to set aside all that was Annie to allow God to give her the words Cal needed to hear, not the words she needed to say. Finally, it seemed right. “Please hear me, Cal. I'll try to say this right. God has become my personal God, but He's not my exclusive God. He doesn't care for me any more than He cares for you or Avi, your dad, Treena, or even Jinko downstairs.”
“Don't talk about Jinko.”
“The point is, God doesn't change; we do. He is constant, stable, perfect, ever present, and ever ready to bless us.”
“I don't feel very blessed at the moment.”
“Me either. Hard times test us. But again, He hasn't changed. He wont change. He's the same right this minute as He was last week when I felt His presence in church during an especially gorgeous song, as He was when my stomach was on the edge of giving out when I was sneaking Avi food. Our circumstances change, our emotions change, we are faced with ever-changing choices, but He doesn't change.”
“Why doesn't He make Jinko and Jered go away? Why did he let Treena die?”
She opened her mouth to answer, closed it, then opened it again. “I don't know.”
He laughed. “Oddly, I find your ignorance refreshing.”
She had to remind herself this wasn't about her. “We may not understand the whys. And it's human nature to want things to be happy and fun all the time. But we're not the whole picture. I'm realizing that more and more. Though God cares about us as individuals, loves us as if we were His only children, He has the world to consider. What each of us does affects many, many people. What might seem bad to us may, in fact, be something glorious for someone else.”
Her stomach stitched, surprising her. She swallowed and continued. “God can bring good out of bad. And sometimes…” A new thought interrupted. It loomed over her, present but not present, like an apparition waiting to be noticed.
“Sometimes…?” Cal asked.
The thought became clearer around the edges, and as it did, Annie mentally wanted to turn away, not see. And yet she had to see. She had to understand. Lord, what are You trying to tell me?
“Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends.”
What?
She closed her eyes as words spun through her mind, their tendrils caressing her previous thoughts and wrapping around her fears.
Obedience means sacrifice.
Her eyes flung open.
She put a hand to her chest, trying to find the breath to express it out loud. “Sometimes…” She closed her eyes. “Sacrifice is involved.”
There. She'd said it.
“What are you talking about?”
What was she talking about? “I don't feel very good.”
Annie ran from the room.
Cal knocked on the door of the bathroom. “Annie-girl? You okay?”
She sat back from the toilet where she'd lost her lunch. She wiped her mouth. “I'm fine. I'll be fine.” She flushed but remained on the floor, leaning back against the tub.
“Let me in.”
“Go be with Avi. I'll be fine. Just give me a minute.”
She was relieved when he didn't pursue it. She did need a minute. More than a minute. Many minutes to recover from the violence her body had just gone through, but mostly to recover from the directive that had brought on the violent reaction.
Or was it a directive? Perhaps it was just an opportunity? A suggestion?
Or a premonition?
It revolved around obedience. What had she said to Cal earlier? That she'd felt disobedient to God when she'd chosen Cal over Him?
Choose Me for him. To reach him. Obedience means sacrifice.
She pushed herself to standing, her breathing suddenly labored. Her head shook in short bursts, her hands pumped fists at her side. God couldn't want this. He couldnt.
You know Me. Cal doesnt. He needs more time.
She whipped toward the door as if Cal were standing there. It was true! She knew God. She was His. She knew where she would spend eternity. Her salvation was assured. A done deal.
But her husband…was he going to heaven?
Maybe. “I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me. ”
This was not a wishy-washy, gray issue. You couldnt happen into heaven; you couldnt get there on the coattails of a relative. Heaven was a gift and a choice. A conscious choice. Even though Cal seemed far away from God now, he'd been heading on the right road once. Treena had opened his eyes to a loving God. But had Cal committed to Jesus back then? Had he accepted Jesus as Savior? Did he believe Jesus was who He said He was?
“I don't know!”
She put a hand to her chest, trying to calm its beating. They'd never talked about it. Why haven't we talked about it?
A wave of panic overtook her, soon followed by a wave of calm: You don't know the state of Cal's salvation, Annie, but I know. Listen to Me now. You know Me. Cal doesnt. He needs more time. Don'T put him at risk.
Thoughts crashed into reality; concept became action. Soon Jinko Daly would take one of them as a hostage in his car. He'd drive past the danger of multiple police officers. One of them would be alone with a frightened, stressed man on the edge who had little to lose.
One of them could die.
“I need to go.”
They were four little words that could change everything.
But then four more words appeared in her consciousness: You don't have to.
These four words added to the others forced her to take a deep breath and let it out. God would not make her take this chance—this opportunity. Choice was of vital importance to the King of kings, the Lord of lords. It was a question, not an order: Could she put her life on the line for her family? Should she? Would she? God's ultimatum was powerful, yet full of mercy: Will you do this for Me? For Cal?
She heard Jinko's voice calling from downstairs. “Everybody down here! Now! It's time.”
Bailey grabbed Ken's arm, making him jump.
“Don't do that!”
”Sorry.”
Ken pointed toward Merry's van. “You two have to stay back. You can't be here. It's dangerous. In fact, we need Merry to move her van back another couple hundred feet.”
Bailey looked toward his own vehicle, sitting across the street from the house. In th
e line of fire. He was surprised to find it meant nothing to him. Or at least not as much as it had yesterday. “Have you heard from Jered?”
“Not since our initial call. Since then we've only talked to Jinko Daly. As far as we know Jered's okay.”
“I can't believe he's involved in all this. I can't.”
Ken's attention was drawn by another officer. “Get back, Bailey. Let us do our job.”
Merry was waiting for him at the van. “What did he say?”
“He says we have to move the van back.”
“What about Jered?”
“Let's move the van.”
Getting out of the van after moving it, Merry and Bailey were assailed by reporters who had congregated at the corner of the McFay's street. Stu Noxley of the Steadfast Beat led the pack, his pad and pen ready. Bailey noticed his shirt was coming untucked. He looked like a “before” picture in a masculine makeover.
“Give us the scoop, you two. Any shots fired yet?”
“Stu!” Merry said.
He waved a pencil toward the other reporters. “It's a fair question. It's what we need to know.”
“No, no shots have been fired. Hopefully, things will be settled peacefully, with no one hurt.”
A woman with royal blue reading glasses balanced on her nose nudged Stu aside. “Is it true your son is one of the criminals, Mr. Manson?”
“He's not a criminal.”
“But he's inside. He's in the house. He's holding the McFays hostage.”
“He's inside, but—”
“If he's not a criminal, why is he there?” asked a man with an awful toupee.
Bailey tried to think of an excuse for Jered. “He knows Annie. He's met her lots of times at the Plentiful.”
“The Plentiful?”
Stu explained. “The Plentiful Cafe. On the square. Annie's a waitress. They serve the best cinnamon rolls in—”
“So your son's been stalking her?”
“What?”
“Was your son infatuated with Annie McFay—a married woman?” asked a reporter who was wearing a skirt that was one size too small. Her camera was poised and ready.
This is ridiculous. “He was doing no such thing! He barely knew her, and I don't think he ever met Cal.”
Toupee-man tapped his pen on his pad. “So if he didn't know them, and isn't a criminal, why is he in their house?”
Good question. “No comment.” Bailey got back in the van and locked the door.
Merry followed. “Sorry about that, Bailey.”
Her cell phone rang, startling them both. She talked briefly, then said, “Thanks, Claire. We'll be right there.” She hung up, then put her keys in the ignition.
“What's Claire want?”
She started the van.
“Merry, where are you going? I need to stay here.”
She pulled away from the curb, the reporters moving out of her way. “We need to go where we can do the most good.”
“Where's that?”
“Wherever I take you. Now shush and let me drive.”
Merry felt only slightly guilty for kidnapping Bailey to the church. Maybe the sight of people praying for the McFays—and even for Jered—would help him get through this.
And maybe not. But if not, Merry was more than willing to hand Bailey over to the Almighty. Let Him handle the man. And a hearty good luck to the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit, too.
When she pulled into the church parking lot, Bailey grabbed the door handle with the same note of panic she'd imagine him having if Merry had pulled into the parking lot of a McDonald's. There was no way he wanted to be associated with such a place.
Tough.
“What are we doing here?”
“Meeting some people.” She turned off the van.
“I don't do church, Merry. You can meet without—”
She palmed her keys and faced him in the seat. “We're not here to do church, Bailey. We're gathering here to pray. Pray for Annie and Cal, for Avi and Jered. Pray for their safety. Surely you can't object to that.” She leveled him with a look. “Can you?”
He wiped his palms on his pants. “Can't I just stay here?”
She opened her door. “Suit yourself.” She got out and started up the walk. The back of her neck prickled with the thought of his eyes on her back. Part of her wanted to stay behind and beg, and part wanted to get into the church ASAP, slam the door on him, and lock it. She was not about to force God on anybody, especially not the egotistical likes of Bailey “Full of Himself” Manson.
When she got all the way to the door without him following, she gave her van one final glance.
He's all Yours, Lord. Do with him what You will.
I can't believe she actually left me here!
Bailey put his hand back on the door handle. He could walk home, lock the door, close the blinds, and hole up until this entire thing blew over.
The big question was: What exactly did “blow over” entail? Jered surrendering to police? Jered being rescued, proving it was all a big mistake and he was actually a victim in all this?
Or Jered being wounded—or worse—in a shootout?
He put a hand to his brow and shook his head. No, please. Not that.
His eyes shot open. Had he just prayed?
He looked at the church and thought of the people praying inside. His eyes moved upward to the roof and to the sky above, realizing he was looking for evidence of prayer waves making their way to heaven like smoke in a chimney. Were the melted patches of snow on the roof places where prayer had come through, burning its way toward heaven and God's ears?
Ridiculous.
Yet comforting, too. And while he was on the subject, how did prayers get from a persons head to God? Telepathy? Some celestial e-mail? Could God “hear” what was only being thought? Had God heard his No, please. Not that*
Bailey jerked when a knuckle knocked on the window beside him. It was Claire Adams. He rolled the window down.
“What are you doing all alone out here, Bailey?”
“Uh…” Brilliant answer.
She opened the door for him. “This is Merry's van. I take it she went ahead inside?”
He had no choice but to get out. “Yes.”
“Then lets get going.” She shut the door behind him and put an arm around his shoulders. “It will be all right, Bailey. Prayer changes things.”
He certainly hoped so.
Jinko pulled the curtains aside and looked out the front window. “They're changing position. They're moving the cars just like I asked.” He turned back, smiling, like a CEO who'd gotten his way from unwilling subordinates.
Annie sat on the couch next to Cal. She'd purposely placed Avi in his lap. They held hands. In just a few moments, Jinko would take one of them outside at gunpoint. Cal thought it would be him. But Annie knew better.
Cal will never go for it. Hell never agree.
That was a given. Cal would never let her put herself in danger. It was against his code of honor, his code of husbandhood, his code of being a man.
It didn't make sense. It wouldn't make sense to anyone but Annie and God.
And just because Annie understood God's reasoning, didn't mean she wanted to do it. She closed her eyes and pictured the scene of Jesus in the Garden of Gethsemane hours before his crucifixion. Suddenly, she needed to read it, hear His words in her head. She pulled the pocket Bible from the back of her waistband.
Jinko rolled his eyes. “If you think you're going to put a hex on me, lady, it won't work.”
“Don't be ridiculous. This is a book of love and truth, not hexes.” She didn't wait for his permission but opened it to one of the four Gospels, knowing they all would mention the moment in history she was looking for. She found it first in Mark, chapter 14:
They went to a place called Gethsemane, and Jesus said to his disciples, “Sit here while I pray.” He took Peter, James and John along with him, and he began to be deeply distressed and troubled. “My soul is overwhelmed w
ith sorrow to the point of death,” he said to them. “Stay here and keep watch.” Going a little farther, he fell to the ground and prayed that if possible the hour might pass from him. “Abba, Father,” he said, “everything is possible for you. Take this cup from me. Yet not what I will, but what you will.”
Her eyes swam with tears as she read and reread Jesus' plea, as His plea became hers: Abba, Father, everything is possible for You. Take this cup from me. Yet not what I will, but what You will.
Her resolve was on the fence, and she knew it was weak. At any moment it could fall toward the side of safety, and she'd chicken out. Only by His strength would it fall toward the side of His way and His will.
She held the Bible to her chest. Lord, I'm willing but so horribly weak and scared. You re going to need to help me. I want to obey. Be with me. Be with us all.
Jinko dropped the curtain, turned toward them, and clapped his hands once. “Okay. Let's do this thing. Up.”
As Cal started to set Avi on the couch beside him, Annie popped to her feet. “I'm ready.”
“Annie?” Cal said.
“Take me.”
“Take—? No way! Sit down!” Cal tugged at her hand, but she stepped out of his reach.
“I'm volunteering. Take me.”
Cal set Avi on the couch none too gently in his effort to stand. “Annie, sit down! Now!”
She shook her head and moved beside Jinko. “I'm going, Cal. It's me. It has to be me.”
“What are you talking about?”
Jinko put his arm around Annie's shoulders and pulled her close. She shuddered, remembering his earlier sexual innuendo. There was more at stake here than even her life. Everything was at stake.
Jinko kissed the side of her head. “It seems the little lady has overridden your choice, Macho Man. And I approve. Oh yes, I approve.”
Cal's breathing came in short bursts. “But I don't! She can't go. She can't!”
“Mama?” Avi sat on the edge of the couch, as if ready to fling herself into her mother's arms.
Annie's heart tore in two. “It will be all right, sweet-apple. It will be just fine.”
Cal took a step toward them. “You are not going!”