by J. M. Walker
I rocked back and forth with her in my arms and broke. I never knew a human body could shed so many tears. It just didn’t seem fucking possible. “Evvie,” my voice cracked. “Be strong. For me. For us. For our baby.”
The cries of sorrow that I had thought were coming from her originally were, in fact, coming from me. I realized it as my tears fell on my wife’s face.
***
Sitting in the waiting room chair with my head in my hands, all I could do was think about the past couple of months. The guilt was heavy on my shoulders as I waited for someone to tell me something about Evvie. Was she okay? Was the baby okay? It would break my heart if something happened to that little bundle that we both created but to lose Evvie, would fucking destroy me.
In my whole entire life, all the shit I had been through, I had never felt so vulnerable until that point. To have someone that you love, someone you depend on, go through a traumatic experience and not know what the fuck was going on, was making me lose my mind.
“Brett MacLean?”
I looked up and saw a doctor standing before me.
His green eyes were warm as he sat on the wooden table across from me. “I’m Dr—“
“Tell me.”
The young doctor sighed.
My heart sped up. Something was wrong. I knew it. I could feel it etched deep down in my soul. “Tell. Me.”
“The baby is fine. Healthy. Weighing in at five pounds. Two ounces. Your daughter is strong.”
My eyes widened. “Daughter? I have a baby girl?” My voice cracked, tears burning my eyes. A girl. A little baby girl.
He nodded. “She’s strong, that one. She’s being incubated because she’s preterm but all the tests came back negative. Your daughter is going to make it through this.”
“And my wife?”
The doctor’s jaw clenched. “She’s in recovery.”
“But?”
“I think you should call someone.”
My stomach felt like it fell to the floor as bile rose to my throat. I couldn’t lose her. I would give myself up first. The world didn’t need me. It would be better off but it needed Evvie. She was the strength of so many people. Her family would fall apart if something happened to her. “What…oh God…no. She has to be fine.”
“Brett, your wife has cancer.”
TWELVE
The maniacal laugh that escaped my lips was a shock, even to me. I had done some crazy shit but laughing over being told my wife had cancer was not something I thought would ever happen. The laughter quickly turned into sobs as my body shook. We had just taken one step forward and already we were taking ten back. I felt as though God were laughing in our faces. Playing a mean little joke on us. I knew I had done some shit. I wasn’t a good guy but Evvie was helping me. She was a good person. She didn’t deserve any of this. Were we being tested?
“I lost everything when my mom died. I felt like God was laughing at us. Playing a mean trick. Like one of those kids sitting on an ant hill and burning them with a magnifying glass. That’s one reason why I never went back to church. I was mad. Furious at him for taking my mom from us. From me.”
The tears streamed down my face as Evvie’s words reigned in my mind. I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t be on this earth without her. I worshipped the ground she walked on. I was successful because of her. I kept going. Because of her. I was getting help. Because of her. I couldn’t do this…no, I would not do this without her.
Please, I beg of you. I will do anything. I will go to church. I will be a better person. I will be a proper man. A role model. Just let me keep my Evvie. Don’t make her pay for my sins.
“Brett, is there someone I can call for you?”
I vaguely remember giving the doctor, Matteo’s number. I should call her family. I couldn’t. I didn’t have the strength. The doctor had said things about Evvie’s situation but I couldn’t even remember what they were. I could feel my progress slipping away from me as time wore on.
“Brett?” A heavy hand clapped on my shoulder, squeezing lightly.
I didn’t look up but I knew it was Matteo that was now sitting beside me. How long has it been? I was in a trance. Frozen in place as the shock of my wife’s health bounced around in my head. “She can’t leave me,” was all I said.
“The doctor said they’re going to start chemo right away. Brett, the cancer is in her ovary and they have to do a partial hysterectomy. Since they caught it early, there is hope.”
I looked up at that point.
“Evvie has already signed the permission papers.” His voice softened. “There is a chance that she may never be able to get pregnant again.”
I didn’t care about that. I wanted her and our baby girl and I wanted to go home. I wanted this over. I wanted this day over.
“She’s asking for you.”
“Has she seen her yet?” I asked, my voice raw.
Matteo shook his head. “She’s waiting for you.”
“I…I can’t…” I took a deep breath.
He cupped the back of my neck and squeezed in reassurance. “Look at me.”
I huffed and met his gaze.
“You both are strong. I have never met such a strong couple before. The love you both have for each other is awe inspiring and I pray that I have that someday. Seeing the both of you, gives me hope that there is such a thing as love out there. Now, go to your wife. Go see your baby girl and give that precious gem a name because Baby MacLean is not fitting for a little princess.”
***
As I stood outside Evvie’s hospital room, I couldn’t help but think back to when I was told that my father and step-mother had been in an accident. Both my sister and I were pulled from class and met half way, walking the rest of the way to the office in silence. We knew. Something had gone horribly wrong. I never told her that I was thankful she was my sister. That I was thankful my dad had married her mom. Of course I was scared at first. Fucking terrified that she would be a step-monster from hell. Who wouldn’t have been with the shit my real mother had put me through? But Marilyn Lee was the perfect mom. Although she was my stepmom, she took me under her wing. Gave me the love that my own mother ignored.
“Brett, I know it’s hard being forced into a new family. Pretty much being told that you have to accept the other people no matter what,” she had said after I rebelled and got suspended for skipping class that day.
“I just want you to know that I am here. I’m not forcing my love on you. I’m not expecting you to accept me right away. I would like to be your friend. I’m not your mom so I don’t want you to think I’m trying to replace her.”
Please replace her. I want you to.
But I never told her that. I wished now, more than ever, that I had her to talk to. A woman that I could look up to for advice. What would my dad do in this situation? As much as I hated him in the beginning for what he had let me go through, I was thankful even more for bringing Keisha and Marilyn into my life.
I grabbed my phone out of my pocket and quickly dialed the person that I knew could make me feel somewhat better. The only person besides, Evvie that could put me in my place.
“Brett,” Keisha exclaimed.
My heart jumped, tears welling in my eyes. I swallowed a couple of times. I wasn’t expecting her to be happy to hear from me.
“Brett? You there?”
I cleared my throat. “I’m sorry. For not telling you how much I love you. How much I appreciate all that you have done for me.” At that point the tears flowed down my cheeks.
“What’s going on?”
I couldn’t deal. I couldn’t handle the weight of possibly losing my wife so I broke.
“Talk to me. Please. You’re scaring me.”
“Love, what’s wrong?” I heard Garrith say in the background.
“It’s Brett. Something is wrong.”
I pinched the bridge of my nose and breathed through the onset of nausea that had threatened to take up permanent residence in my gut.
“Hey, my man. Talk to me,” Garrith demanded in that soothing firm tone of his.
The back of my neck tingled and I knew that I was no longer alone. The voices of Evvie’s family, our family, filled the room but I didn’t look up. I couldn’t meet their sympathetic stares just yet.
“It’s Evvie,” I stated, my voice thick and raw.
Keisha gasped. “Tell us.”
I explained everything. How she went into early labor. How we now had a baby girl and how Evvie was diagnosed with cancer.
I could hear Keisha’s quiet sobs as I laid out my feelings. Anger, frustration, heart ache and absolute despair clouded my judgement and all I could do was talk. It felt so good to speak to someone other than my doctor. Matteo was fucking amazing but talking to Keisha and Garrith helped even more.
A weight lifted off of my back. That’s what Matteo was trying to teach me in the first place. To talk. Men didn’t talk. Or so I thought. A true man showed his feelings and wasn’t ashamed to admit defeat. I was just too fucking stubborn to realize that until now.
“We are here. If you need anything at all. Call us,” Keisha demanded.
“I will.”
“I love you, Brett,” she said softly.
“I love you, too.”
“Please call me and we’ll hang out soon. None of this going weeks without talking to each other again, alright?”
For the first time since finding out Evvie’s news, I smiled. “It’s a date.” I hung up the phone. I looked up and that was when I realized that I was surrounded by four of the largest men I had ever seen. Eddie, Evan, Ethan and Everett. All well over six feet were hunched over and had their hands on my shoulders. No words passed between us. No sounds at all. Blue eyes were red rimmed. Tanned skin shallow and sunken in like they had lost just as much sleep as I. Of course they did. Evvie was their blood. A part of them. She was the baby of the family but the strength just the same. The glue that kept them together. Without her, they would break.
At that point, I thought I only had my sister, but now as I looked around at these men, I realized I had so much more. Family. They were mine and I was theirs. Because of Evvie.
I remembered the fight I had with my parents the day we found out they had died. It was dumb and had to do with homework or some test I failed. The hurtful words that were passed between my father and I would haunt me for the rest of my life.
But this? When Evvie’s brothers, father, and I walked into her room, I didn’t know what I expected to see. But the image of her small body on the big bed would haunt me. Forever.
Her eyes spilled over, tears streaming down her face when she saw us. She held her arms out and like a child, I ran into them, pushing my face into the crook of her neck. I could hear everyone surround us as we all cried together, sharing in each other’s sorrow and just wept.
***
“She’s so tiny,” Evvie said, sticking her hand inside the plastic box that held our baby girl.
All I could do was nod as I stared at the small pink bundle. Tubes were in her nose, helping her breath as a precaution since her lungs weren’t full developed yet. She was tiny. So tiny.
I looked behind me and saw Evvie’s brothers and father standing at the window since only two visitors were allowed in at a time.
They never left. I didn’t know why it surprised me. I guessed it was because I wasn’t used to the family closeness they had. Yes, Keisha and I were close but we were so busy, wrapped up in our own lives, that we didn’t spend enough time together. Well that was going to change after all of this shit was done and over with.
I watched as Evvie brushed her finger over the small form before sticking it in the palm of her baby’s hand. Much to my amazement, the fingers closed over Evvie’s.
A sob escaped her lips. “Hi, baby girl. I’m your mommy and this is your daddy.” She didn’t motion for me to come closer. She knew I would. In my own time.
“It’s so nice to meet you finally. We have a wonderful home for you. Your room is filled with Disney stuff. Everything a little girl loves. I even love it.” She laughed, her voice cracking. She took a breath. “Please get strong. You can’t leave your daddy. He needs you.”
My heart thudded against my ribs at her words. I leaned down, not taking my eyes off of our baby. “You can’t leave me either. You are my one. My only. I am nothing without you. You hear me? Nothing. Don’t you dare give up on us.”
A shaky breath left her lips. “My mom didn’t survive.”
“You are not your fu…mom.” I bit back the feeling of wanting to lash out. I knew she was trying to be strong. I knew that. But hearing those words leave her lips that sounded like she was ready to give up before treatment even began, broke my fucking heart. It would be over my dead body before I let that happen.
“We need a name,” she whispered.
“Miracle,” I blurted.
Evvie looked up at me and back at our baby. “It’s perfect.”
Right now I’m watching you sleep. It has been a month since you gave birth to Miracle and a month since you got diagnosed with ovarian cancer.
You still tell me every day that you are sorry. For what I’m not exactly sure. None of this is your fault.
If I’m not with you by your side, I’m at your father’s house or Matteo’s. Yes, I’ve been hanging out with your family. Those guys are strong. For you. For me.
But the poor doctor is probably getting sick of seeing me. Nah, he’s been good. Helpful. Listening to me rant and rave about how life sucks basically. I’ll spare you the details but let’s just say, I owe him a new table and maybe a new lamp. Okay, two lamps. Don’t worry about me though. My rage is getting…better. Not taking control as much.
I was actually angry at you at first. I know it was irrational for me to feel that way, but I blamed you. Not that it was your fault for getting cancer but for putting me through this pain. This pain of possibly losing you. Of not waking up beside you every morning and going to bed with you every night. I couldn’t deal. I can’t deal. If you don’t make it out of this, I don’t know what I’ll do. As I’m writing this, tears are flowing down my face. I’m not trying to make you feel bad. Please don’t think that, my sweet Evvie. I just want you to know that the love I feel for you goes beyond anything I have ever felt before. I know talk is cheap but I hope that I have shown you through my actions at how much I feel for you. I love you deep. Hard. It’s all-consuming and it takes control of me and you know what? I’m fine with that. Do I know why I feel this way? No. I’ve tried wrapping my head around why I feel for you the way I do but I’ve given up and just let the love for you flow through me.
You will get through this. I have faith. I don’t know why exactly yet. I know you don’t see it but I do. You are strong. I don’t know if you’re aware but your family comes to visit you every day even when you are sleeping. My sister and her fiancé come as well. They both send their love, always. Everyone has been so supportive. I don’t feel ashamed for laying my feelings out on the line anymore. They all have seen me cry. Break down. Freak out. And I don’t care anymore. I’m a man, but it takes a true man to show his feelings. Thank you for helping me realize that.
Miracle is growing every day and is so strong. I’m praying that you both will be out of the hospital at the same time. That would be the greatest gift anyone could give me.
THIRTEEN
“What are you doing here, boss?”
I looked up as Kane walked into my office. “I needed a distraction,” I mumbled and closed my laptop. Scrubbing a hand down my face, I cracked my neck. The movement shot a hot shiver of pain down my back.
“How’s Evvie doing?” He headed to the bar and poured himself a shot of tequila.
I joined him and grabbed a shot for myself. “Alright. Only thing that keeps her going is seeing Miracle.”
“Does she see her often?”
I slammed the shot back, the burning liquid settling in my belly as I headed to the couch. “When she feels up to
it.”
He nodded and joined me.
It had been so long since I had seen the guy and he worked for me. God, what kind of friend was I? “I’m sorry.”
His pale gaze met mine. “For what?”
“For being a shitty friend.”
Kane shrugged. “I get it. You have shit going on. No need to be sorry.”
“No, I mean before all of this. I…just…I’m sorry.” I sighed.
“It’s all good, my man, but apology accepted. Would it be alright if Tatiana and I came down to see her and the baby soon?”
“Yes. I think Evvie would like that.” The couple had finally admitted their true feelings for each other and have been going strong. I was beyond happy for them. Everyone deserved that one person they could love deep. I was now a firm believer of that.
He smiled and opened his mouth to say something when a hard knock sounded on the door.
“Come in,” I demanded.
The door opened revealing Officer Charles.
My stomach sank. The man usually came with bad news. I didn’t think I could take anymore.
“Did you want me to leave,” Kane asked, rising to his feet.
“No. What can I do for you, Officer?”
“I have news,” Charles said, a slight smile tugging at his lips.
“Good news, I hope.”
He nodded and handed me papers.
I took them and frowned. The only words I could focus on was, DNA. Brett MacLean. Claire Morgan. No match. Ethan Neal. Claire Morgan. No match.
I gaped at the papers before looking back up at the cop. “Does this mean that I’m not the father of Claire’s baby?”
“Yes. And neither is Evvie’s brother, Ethan.
A breath left me on a whoosh. With all the shit that had been going on in the past couple of weeks, I had completely forgotten about possibly having a baby with Claire. I guess it was because deep down I knew that it wasn’t mine. My intuition was right. And Ethan. God, he was going to be so fucking happy. “Did you tell Ethan?”