My cheeks heated under his compliment and I turned my gaze to the water as I adjusted my cloak and hood.
“I apologize, I didn’t mean to embarrass you,” he admitted as he tried to grasp the wooden oar in his hand. The boat had already begun to drift away from the dock, leaving us to float across the beautiful deep blue lake.
“Do you wish for me to take an oar?” I asked, gesturing to one of them. He feigned offense and shook his head.
“Of course not,” he said. With a bit of concentration, he finally began to move the oars in unison. With the gentle flow of the river, we slowly began to glide underneath the castle. I lifted my head and watched as we went under the arch of the white stone wall.
“I remember the first time I came out here on a boat by myself,” Klaus said with a chuckle. “Adelais was screaming through the windows above, calling for me to come inside before my father could see. But her shrill screeching gave me away. Lord Crestwood, a young man like me at the time, had to get into another boat and help me bring mine back to dock. I knew nothing about steering.”
“Why did you get into a boat then?” I couldn’t stop myself from the nervous giggle that erupted from me. My fingers apprehensively gripped the side of the boat. Klaus shrugged and leaned back a little in his seat.
“I suppose I just wanted to get away. It was the only way I knew to get my father’s attention. If I rebelled from my lessons and did something foolish, my father would turn his focus to me.”
“Did it work?”
“A bit too well sometimes,” he replied with a laugh.
“What about Lord Crestwood?” I asked curiously. “How did you come to have him in your company at such a young age?”
“Lord Crestwood came to my family as a collector’s debt. His family owed my father a growing debt and they had no other way of repayment. They sent the boy to the palace and my father sent him away to a wealthy family who, at least, could offer him a better life. I suppose my father felt a bit of mercy for him. He was a good man when he tried to be, and did Crestwood a favor. He often came to the castle for visits and we became fast friends. He was the only boy nearly the same age as me. Since that time, he’s been by my side for most of my years,” he said as he paused and stared blankly into the river water. “My father chose to make him a close advisor as he got older, and taught him things almost as if he were heir to the Saarland throne, instead of me. I suppose he was treated as though he were the spare . . . the next male to inherit should anything ever happen to me.”
“When my father died a few months ago, I put Crestwood in charge as Chancellor over my affairs,” he continued. “He negotiates with foreign ministries, sees to the needs of the people of the Königreich and the clergy. He also travels to set alliances with other kingdoms. And now, as you know, he’s finalizing the details of my arranged marriage . . .”
There was a bit of disdain in his voice as he turned his emerald gaze back to me.
“Sometimes I think Lord Crestwood plays the role of royalty better than I,” he confessed. “Sometimes I’m almost sure he feels the same way too.”
I was quiet as I sucked in a breath, tucking my cloak more closely around me. The slight breeze blowing across the lake was cool and sent a shiver running through me. I knew Klaus was confessing his true, unhinged feelings towards the situation between him and Crestwood. Klaus turned his gaze away from me and began to row more aggressively with the tide of the river.
“I don’t think that about you, Klaus,” I admitted softly. “I think you’re strong and kind and very capable of ruling your Königreich wisely. You only need to rise to the occasion.”
“Rise to the occasion,” he said with a small laugh. “Now you sound like Adelais.”
I grimaced and shook my head.
“What I mean is,” I murmured as I bit my lip. “I think if you do not wish to marry for an arrangement, then you should not. If you wish to rule your Königreich as you wish, then you should do so. There are many tales of Saarland der Licht, of you and your people. There is nothing to tarnish, and certainly nothing you should feel you owe Lord Crestwood in keeping to such an arrangement.”
“You speak boldly,” he commented, a small smirk playing upon his face. “But I admire how brave and how willing you are to share your opinion with me.”
I could feel my cheeks burn as he spoke. Maybe I was a bit too bold, but there was a certain comfortableness I felt with him; as if I had known him for years, instead of mere days. Prince Klaus studied me for a moment with a grin, and then eased back to grab the oars. My eyes darted to where one of the oars should have been, but wasn’t.
“God’s teeth!” Prince Klaus hissed and leaned over the side of the boat towards where the oar was floating away. I felt the boat begin to tip and I tightly held onto the edge.
“Klaus! The boat!”
He sat back in his seat with a huff and furrowed his brow.
“Hold on, I’m going to try to get it with the other oar,” he explained. Leaning again, Klaus reached out with the long oar in his hand as he tried to maneuver the floating oar back towards us. He nudged it, only to watch it float farther away with the current. The boat began to wobble each time he reached out; my heart began to beat so rapidly I could feel it in my ears.
“Klaus!” I gasped again, just as I felt the boat tip under his weight and we flipped.
A yelp escaped from my lips as I plunged into the water. The weight of my coat instantly pulled me down despite my desperate kicking. An arm wrapped around my waist tightly and began to pull me up towards the surface. I gasped for air as I broke through the water and tightly clasped onto Klaus, who held me firmly against him.
“I’m so sorry,” he sputtered against the water. “I misjudged the distance. I didn’t mean to . . . to tip the boat over.”
The hood of my cloak weighed a ton on my head as Klaus reached for the side of the boat. He pulled me to the side and I slid my hands from his arm to the rim of the boat.
“Can you push yourself in?” Klaus asked, his forehead creasing with concern.
I tried to hoist myself up, but the wet cloak was too heavy; weighing me down like an anchor. Klaus used the bit of strength he could to help as I tried to lift myself again. With success, I toppled into the boat and watched as he too pulled himself from the river. He slid his hands through his hair with a mild chuckle.
“I’d say that was refreshing,” he said with a smirk as he peered at me. “Are you alright?”
I managed to nod through my chattering teeth.
“I’m sorry,” he chuckled. “Let’s get back and dry off.” With both oars back in his grasp, he began to row us back underneath the castle, back to the stone dock. I couldn’t stop my body from trembling from the slight chill the wind brought against my wet clothes. I was the first to push myself from the boat as soon as he tied the boat into place. I couldn’t stop myself from the intense chill that overwhelmed me and it was impossible to control my shivering.
“Come,” Klaus offered and guided me away from the lake. His warm palm was on my back, nudging me to walk to the palace. We cut through the garden, taking a small gravel path to one of the side entrances. I immediately recognized where I was as the prince opened the door to the kitchens.
“Adelais!” Klaus called out, as well as a few other names of servants I had not learned yet. The older woman promptly appeared, looking at the two of us with wide, shocked eyes.
“What on earth happened to the both of you?”
“We seemed to have had a little accident,” Klaus said with a gentle smile, and lightly pushed me towards the side staircase.
“Allerleirauh and I will need warm baths and fresh clothes,” he commanded, following behind me on the steps. He didn’t wait for Adelais to reply. I took a few of the steps on the staircase two at a time, desperate to rid of my cold, wet, heavy clothes. As soon as we reached the top of the landing, he led me back through my wing of the castle, to my room.
“I apologize,” he beg
an to say again. I shook my head as my teeth chattered intensely.
“P-Please d-don’t a-apologize,” I replied.
I could see the regret flood his eyes as he turned to watch as Adelais walked toward us with a slew of servants behind her carrying large buckets of water.
“In there,” Adelais ordered as she gestured to my room and eyed the both of us.
The servants did as they were told and began to fill the bath basin again with hot water. The prince didn’t leave my side until the servants poured the last bucket of hot water. I eased myself into my room, giving him a thankful nod as he turned Adelais away before she could have the chance to demand my cloak from me.
“I’ll need a bath too, Adelais,” he said with a smile.
“You shouldn’t have jumped into the river, Your Highness,” she reprimanded as they walked away. I closed the door with a smile as I heard him reply, “I couldn’t help myself, Adelais.”
I pulled the heavy cloak from my shoulders and draped it over a nearby chair. I knew it would take quite a bit of time until it dried completely. I tugged the rest of my wet garments away and finally slid into the warm water again. As I washed my skin with the sweet-smelling soap, I thought about how kind Klaus had been to me. He even rescued me in the river. I realized I allowed him to touch me, however briefly and I hadn’t pulled away. I could still feel the warmth of his arm still around my waist; the way his touch had been gentle even in our troublesome circumstance. Despite still being strangers, I found I wasn’t afraid of him. Klaus was understanding and patient and even tolerable of my fur cloak regardless of other’s disapproval. He’d shared so much of himself with me so openly. Perhaps the seed of trust had begun to grow, even in the smallest measurement.
As fearful as I felt, I wanted to trust him completely. My eyes drifted to the wet cloak, dripping on the floor nearby. What was I going to do without it? Could I truly show myself to him?
I soaked in the tub for a while more, only pushing myself from the depths of the bathing basin when the water began to cool. Choosing a clean gown from the armoire, I dressed myself in a flowing, soft shade of sweet lavender. I couldn’t bear to look at myself in the mirror as I pulled a comb through my wet curls. I was too afraid of seeing the same frail girl with dark circles under her eyes. Noticing the comb as I placed it back down on the table, I saw the small clumps of hair that remained between the teeth. This was the one part of me my father had prized above all else, the part of me that had tempted him into madness, and it was slowly falling away. How could it be fair to lose the part of myself he had admired the most, only to be left with the husk he had tarnished? I pushed the palm of my hands to my eyes as I felt an overwhelming sob rise through my throat. How could I ever be enough for anyone if there was nothing left to give?
31
I sent Adelais away with a spoken message through the closed door, explaining I had caught a chill and wanted to rest for the afternoon and evening. Surprise filled me as I heard her leave my rooms without an argument or a muttered comment. I was relieved to have some more time for my cloak to dry before I had to face the prince again. I was so unsure if I was ready to face him as me – Aurelia – with whatever fragments were left of who I used to be.
Watching the sunset from the window, I sat in the quiet stillness until my room was left in darkness. Thoughts of my home in Tränen filled my mind. In that silence, I found myself thinking of Myriah and our time spent together in front of the fireplace in my chambers. I could see the image of her in my mind as she’d read to me. And then, my mind drifted, almost like a ship on the seas, drawing me back into the König’s rooms. I was back underneath his hot gaze, his smoldering fingers as they trailed over my skin; pushing deep into me. I squeezed my eyes shut, trying to push the memory away.
‘You will never escape me. I’ll go where you go. Watch you in all you do. No distance can keep true love away.’ The words echoed around me as I lifted my hands to my ears. I wanted to escape. I wanted nothing more than to be free of the ghost of the past. But even here, in the safety of the white marbled castle, the phantom of my father prowled through my mind.
“Leave me alone,” I murmured angrily.
‘You are the only one who will do . . .’ His angered voice filled my ears and vibrated down my spine. ‘You will be my bride.’
‘You must marry someone who has my golden hair . . .’ The recollection of my mother’s frail fingers, her throaty gasps as death slowly seeped through her body, permeated through me.
The remnants of the vow my father made to my mother; the curse she had bestowed onto me upon her deathbed, continued to replay over and over again. If only I had not been graced with my mother’s golden hair. Perhaps if I were no beauty at all. As I twirled a piece of my hair around my finger, I could see my father’s desire-filled blue eyes in the darkness, ravenous for me.
‘You’re the only one who has the same golden hair . . .’
“You can have it,” I managed through gritted teeth, speaking back to the figment in the blackness. I began to try to pull bits and pieces of my hair, chucking the small strands into the air. Perhaps if I had been like any other woman in the kingdom – brunette and plain – I would not have been the subject of attention to my father. There was a flash of the memory of the maid my father had once tormented in the hall; her with her tear-stained cheeks and guttural sobs. Now her features were replaced with mine.
Perhaps if I cut away my golden treasure from my head; perhaps if I were no longer of value or worth to him, I would finally be released of the past. I had paid a hefty price in owning my mother’s beauty, and now I craved freedom.
I jerked myself up from the window seat, racing with ideas of what to do. I pulled the damp cloak around me and eased the bedroom door open. The corridor was lit with a line candelabras. I ran down the hall to the side staircase that led to the lower level of the palace and kitchens. The stairway was dark and I stumbled as I rounded the corner into the dim-lit galley. All the servants had long since gone to bed. I moved from drawer to drawer, trying to find the sharpest knife I could. Finally, in the far corner of the kitchen, I found a drawer containing different shapes and sizes of knives.
I grabbed one and pushed the wolf’s hood from my head as I tugged a strand of my hair free. Even in the darkness of the room, I could hear my father’s voice ricochet.
‘You’re the only one who has the same golden hair . . . You will be my bride.’
Tears rolled down my cheeks as I lifted the knife to my curl and carefully slid the blade through the strand. As it fell to the floor, it hardly seemed enough.
“No,” I cried as my hand trembled. Again, I lifted the knife and cut.
‘You’re mine.’
Again.
No.
Again. My golden locks fell around me as I grabbed at different strands, tugging, slicing and cutting until my hair fell into different lengths around my shoulders.
“Allerleirauh?” Klaus’s voice startled me as I stood in place, dropping the knife to the table. The voice of my father had suddenly diminished into silence. A cry rose from my throat as I quickly tried to wipe my eyes before he could see.
“Allerleirauh, what are you doing?”
His voice was full of concern as he took a step closer; a candle flickering in his hand. The strands of my hair were scattered on the floor around my toes. I heard the gentle patting of his bare feet on the stone floor as he came closer. As I slid my fingers through a bit of my hair, I shook my head furiously. Another wave of tears filled me and I lowered my head. He grabbed my wrist gently, pulling me aside as he gazed down at me. I tried to tug my hand away, but he held me firmly in place.
“Bitte, let go of me,” I whimpered.
“What are you doing?” he asked again. Concern was crisp in his voice. I saw his eyes roam over the fallen hair strands on my cloak and floor.
“You wouldn’t understand,” I replied as I shuddered with tears.
“You have to tell me,” he said
sternly. “Make me understand.”
“Y-You have everything,” I gasped between my tears. “You have people who love you. You know nothing of the loneliness I feel. You’ll never understand what it is to never be loved; to never be good enough.”
“I know nothing of loneliness?” Klaus scoffed. I felt him shift as his body gently bumped into mine. In that time, I realized he was wearing an untied tunic and a pair of trousers he seemed to have slipped on laxly. They appeared wrinkled and loosely tied on his side. Everything about him was unkempt and tired.
“Don’t you realize while I may be surrounded by servants and wealth, I have never known happiness? I did not grow up knowing love.”
His voice was hard and serious as he stared down at me; his eyes were alive with a raging fire as they reflected the candlelight.
“I care about you, Allerleirauh. But. . . I cannot help you, if you continue to shut me out.”
He released his grasp from around my wrist and let out a deep sigh as he began to pick up the small strands of my hair from my shoulders. As his fingers grazed over the fur, he shook his head. A steady stream of tears rolled down my cheeks as I watched him.
“This is still damp. You’ll only cause yourself to become more ill.” His fingers plucked at the cloak and waited expectedly. “When it’s dry in the morning, you can wear it again if you so wish.”
I knew he meant for me to take it off. I knew he wanted me to trust him enough to disrobe my cloak in front of him. I felt frozen in place.
“It’s alright,” Klaus replied warily with an outstretched hand. “I won’t keep it from you.” I knew he wouldn’t lie to me; I could trust his sincerity. With a hesitant sigh, I slowly peeled it away and placed it into his grasp. His eyes were unwavering as he gave a nod of thanks and slid the cloak over his arm. I felt exposed; almost naked in front of him. It felt strange to suddenly stand before him without the security of my cloak. Klaus gently extended his other hand to me.
“We can go to the library and I can help with your hair,” he murmured. “At least there, we can have some privacy.”
Allerleirauh Page 17