If you have done your homework, you now have a few of his fantasies in hand. Do NOT judge him for what he fantasizes. He can't really help it. What you want to do is inject yourself into those fantasies. You want to be the ONLY person about whom he fantasizes. You also want to know what turns him on the most so that you can use that information to control him more easily.
A man's libido is a direct line into his psyche. His sexual thoughts are guided by these fantasies. It doesn't matter what his fantasies are about, how “sick” you think they are, what matters is that you know them and use them to give him a better, more enjoyable sexual experience. And you thought this was all about you. Well, indirectly, it is. Let's suppose your partner fantasizes about being put on public display in some sort of sexual context. This does not mean that he would ever really enjoy such an experience, it only means that the THOUGHT of it turns him on. Your job is to take that information and use it to your own benefit.
This is where many of us (me included) often have difficulty. You must learn to verbalize his fantasies whenever you get the chance. That's right, I said, “Verbalize!” What I mean is, you must talk to him (not with him, to him) using his fantasies to get him aroused. You can do it when you are out at the movies, or in a fancy restaurant. Whisper to him how you would like to (in our example) put him on public display. Maybe he fantasizes about being forced to masturbate in public. So tell him how you would like to make him do it. Tell him how YOU would make him masturbate while in your control. Feed his fantasy by putting yourself into it.
By using his fantasies in both sexual and non-sexual situations, you will be interjecting yourself into his fantasies. You will be turning him on more than he has ever been turned on before, and you will become an integral part of his future fantasies. When you have him bound to the bed and are physically teasing him, tell him how you would love to take him out in public and force him to masturbate (or whatever his fantasy is). The key here is to learn to talk to him about things that turn him on. The more you talk, the more turned on he will become. If he is in chastity, teasing him with his own fantasies will make him want to do more for you (such as clean the house) so that he can earn that orgasm you have been denying him.
My point here is, you have to become comfortable talking to him in a sexual manner. Do it as often as you can. Call him on the phone when he is at work, or simply send him a text message. It doesn't matter how you do it, only that you do it. The more you do it, the faster his fantasies will turn toward you. You will replace that super-model or fictional character in his fantasies. If you make him write you a new fantasy every week or two, you will see how quickly you become the focus of those fantasies.
Now, once you have become the focus of his fantasies, it would be a good time to sit down for another frank discussion. You should talk about what kinds of things (in his fantasies) that he would secretly like to come true and those that should remain just fantasy. Perhaps you could ask him to make you a list of things that he would like to try. Then, unless they totally turn you off, you might actually try them out sometime. On the other hand, you will know what things he doesn't want to actually do and you can continue to nurture his sexual desire utilizing those fantasies.
Let me tell you how I overcame my shyness in talking 'dirty' to my husband. It was one of the most difficult things I had to do. But I knew I had to do it. I had to put myself into his fantasies so that he would constantly be thinking of me. You can do it, too.
The first thing I did was to sit down and make a list of the things I already knew. Those fantasies that he was willing to tell me. That was the easy part. Next, I asked him if he would spend a little time talking with me using instant messaging. I know it sounds crazy, but it worked. I found that I could more easily write things in an instant message than I could say to him face to face. And the same was true of him. He opened up much more and revealed several fantasies that I had never heard from him before.
My next step was to take it to the phone. I could call him up and talk with him, tell him fantasies that I knew would turn him on. It was easier than face to face. Try it sometime. Once I was comfortable doing that, I found it much easier to talk to him directly. Especially in places that he really couldn't talk back to me. Such as a restaurant. I could lean across the table and mention something about one of his fantasies, how I would do it, or whatever, and that was all I needed to do.
Some of you may never have this problem, but for those of you who do, find a way to over come it. Convince yourself that you must do it. Once you try it a few times, it will become easier. In fact, it will be easier every time you do it.
Now about having him write his fantasies. By allowing him to write them out, or even just give you the gist of what each one is about, you can arouse him any time you want. Let's face it, the more he is aroused, the more he will be willing to do for you. The point is, you need to know what his fantasies are about, then put yourself into his fantasies. It's really not that difficult, once get the hang of it.
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Chapter 16: Make It Easy On Yourself
As the dominant partner in this relationship, you have needs. For the sake of this writing, I am going to assume you are female. Although, the information still applies if you are not.
Basically, depending on how much control your agreement gives you, there are certain things that remain constant. For one, your partner is in a “service” role, at least to some degree. That means, as you might expect, that they should be doing things for you. How much, and when may be controlled by your agreement, but still, there are some things that you need to understand.
First of all, if you are going to be giving orders, that is, be in charge, then you must act the part. If you go around asking your partner to do this or do that without the proper tone of voice, you will end up falling back into your old roles. And you don't want that. So you must first learn to be assertive. That does not mean that you have to yell or scream when you want something done. It means that you must adopt a new way of thinking and speaking.
You are in charge, now. So act like it. When you want your partner to do something, maybe wash the dishes, or take out the garbage, don't say, “Honey, would you please take the garbage to the curb.” Instead, take a deep breath and firmly say, “Honey, take the garbage to the curb, now.” It may take some practice if you are not used to giving orders. But that is what you will be doing, so you might as well get used to it. You don't have to be rude about it, just be firm and resolute.
Adopt an assertive voice. One that commands attention and respect. Don't ask for another cup of coffee, tell you partner to refill your cup like you mean it. “Get me another cup of coffee.” Once your partner realizes that you are taking your role seriously, then you can add, “Please” to that command. But... “please” should always be tacked onto the end of your command. Don't start with “please,” that will only lead to problems. You can always say, “Thank you” once they have complied with your demands. It's only common courtesy. Unless your partner has indicated that they wish to be treated as a “slave” or wants to be extremely submissive, you don't need to treat them that way. But you must be firm.
Yes, they are in your service, but unless your agreement stipulates that you have total control over them 100% of the time, don't ruin your chances for success by over stepping your bounds.
So, you are doing everything you can to keep your partner sexually aroused. You send him daily texts or emails or phone calls designed to get him aroused and keep him thinking about you. You sexually tease him often when you are together including nightly teasing with or without a chastity device in place. So what happens when you are tired and just want to rest? What happens when you need some kind of sexual attention? Are you stepping up to the plate as the dominant and demanding that your partner service your sexual needs and desires? You should be.
Below you find a list of things that you can have your partner do for you. Remember, keeping your partner sexually aroused should NEVE
R feel like a chore! Some of these things will serve a dual purpose, keeping you refreshed or sexually satisfied, while turning your partner on as well.
- Have your partner remove your shoes and massage your feet when they need it. Or have him suck on your toes.
- Have your partner give you a full body massage. It does not have to be bedtime. Anytime you feel the need is good. It will keep you in a better mood so that you won't feel put out when you do things to arouse your partner.
- Have your partner give you oral sex, if that's what you need. Maybe just a few minutes of it at an unexpected moment.
- Have your partner entertain you in some way. It doesn't have to be sexual. It just has to be something you want. No one says that you have to entertain yourself, or your partner.
- Give them something to do while naked, (chores, perhaps). That will keep them busy, aroused, and out of your hair (for awhile anyway). (See the chapter on humiliation for ideas of ways to use your partner for your own entertainment.)
- There is nothing wrong with asking your partner to do something that is outside your agreement. Just because it is not in the agreement, doesn't mean he or she can't (or won't) do it. If you normally prepare the meals, ask your partner to do it. At least they can order out. Right?
- Have your partner prepare you a nice hot bath. Maybe even join you in one.
- Send your partner out on an errand. You can relax while they are gone.
There are a million and one things you can do. If you are at the point where your partner wants you to take complete control of them, do it. Don't be afraid to have them service you, both sexually and other wise. Just remember to try and make their chores more sexually exciting (for them, anyway).
As I will cover in the chapter on humiliation, you can always brighten up their day by having them serve you in some way that you can turn into a sexual thrill for them. As I suggested earlier, have them do their chores naked. Or, if children are present, send your partner to the bedroom to insert a butt-plug or arouse themselves in some other way. Believe me, butt-plugs are highly under-rated as a sexual turn on. Making your partner insert their own butt-plug can have an effect on their behavior as well as their sexual pleasure, and all you have to do is tell them to put it in.
If you just want your partner out of the way for awhile, try standing them in a corner for awhile. Maybe they can keep a penny from falling off the wall... With their nose.
Have your partner keep a daily journal. They can write about their feelings concerning their role in the relationship, their pleasure or displeasure about the way you are running things. Never punish or reprimand your partner for anything they write in their journal. It should be strictly a place for them to voice their feelings and opinions without fear of repercussions. Think of it as constructive criticism. If you can make a change for the better because of something they wrote, maybe you should.
Read their journal at least once a week. That will give you an idea of what things are working and what are not. You can adjust your routine, punishments, rewards, or whatever needs changing without any discussion. It's an excellent way for your partner to communicate their feelings without fear of embarrassment, or retaliation. You may discover that a journal can help you as much as does your partner.
Don't let your partner's routine become mundane, or boring. For example, making a man wear women's panties to work once a week or at irregular intervals will keep it exciting. Making him wear them every day will become boring quite rapidly.
Some people set up rituals. Maybe their partner has to kneel and kiss the dominant's feet whenever the dominant enters the house (or even the room). I don't use rituals and I'll tell you why. You have a ritual, most likely, when you get up in the morning. Perhaps it goes like this: You go into the bathroom, pee, wash your hands and face, brush your teeth, and apply a little makeup (or shave, as the case may be). It's a boring routine, but it is also a ritual. Rituals tend to get boring after awhile. They can be fun, and even reassuring, for awhile. I'm not saying that you can't, or even shouldn't use rituals. It's totally up to you. I choose not to because they they do become boring. I find them unnecessary, and often time consuming. You may not. To each his (or her) own.
Let me tell you what works better. Vary your routine. Instead of just telling your partner to do all their chores naked. Try having them do some of them naked, some of them while wearing a butt-plug, and some of them while wearing only an apron. Or try having your partner wear a maids outfit one day, be naked the next, and wear the butt-plug the next. Mix things up. It will do more for your relationship than you might expect. Have your partner inform you each time they finish a chore one day, tell them to do all their chores before reporting to you the next.
Again, there are thousands of variations that you can use. Just use your imagination. The more you use it, the better it will become. Don't make it hard on yourself even if you have to work at it the first few weeks. Before long, it will become second nature.
When I first took charge at home, I had difficulty in varying the routines for my husband. What I finally did was to sit down and think of as many variations as I could. Then I simply put them into a calendar in the order I had listed them. That way, each day had something different. It repeated for awhile, until I became confident enough to eliminate the calendar altogether. Then I would simply vary the routine as the mood struck me. Don't make it hard. Work smarter, not harder.
There are more chores to be done than you would first think. When I wrote them all down, I was surprised how much work there was to do, even though I had been doing them all for years. Make a list yourself and see what I mean. Sweep and mop the tile floors. Vacuum the carpets. Dust every room in the house. Wash the dishes. Wash, dry, and fold the laundry. Empty the waste baskets. Take out the garbage, Move the garbage cans to the curb on trash day. Clean the oven. Clean the bathrooms. Wash the windows. Vacuum the drapes. Wash the car(s). Mow the lawn... And on and on.
Like I said, don't knock yourself out. Make it easy.
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Chapter 17: Cross Dressing
I admit, I don't have a great deal of experience with cross dressing. I have, however, done my research. I have spoken with many cross dressing males and dominant women with cross dressing subs. I have read everything I could find on the subject. So I do feel confident that what I am about to tell you is good, valid information.
There are really only two reasons for a male to engage in cross dressing... Because he enjoys wearing women's clothing, or because his dominant partner requires it. You may or may not have put anything about cross dressing in your agreement. But that does not necessarily mean you can not engage in a little bit of cross dressing anyway.
Since it doesn't seem to be at all humiliating to us women to wear men's clothing, I will assume a male partner for this discussion. After all, if it isn't at all humiliating, or your partner doesn't love doing it on his own, why bother?
Let's look at reason number one first. Some men enjoy cross dressing even if they have to do it on their own. I know one man who actually switches his identity to that of a woman when he feels like cross dressing. Other times, when he doesn't feel that way, he will dress and act “normally.” There are many other men out there who truly enjoy dressing up as a woman, complete with makeup and all. They all have their own reasons for it, some just like the feel of women's clothing against their skin, while others do it because they want to feel like a woman, and still others do it because they wish they were a woman.
In these cases, it may be best to use that to your advantage. Does it mean that you can't humiliate them by dressing them up? No! They may not be “out” to certain other people and being forced to dress up in front of, say, certain of their friends, would still be very humiliating. Maybe they are the type who likes to dress up but don't want to be seen in public like that. Again, it would be easy to humiliate those men.
Then there are the ones who wish they could be a woman and have no problem with others
seeing them dressed as one. What can you do to them? Well, honestly not much. That is, unless you want to make them go out and pick up other men. Not really a very safe thing to do, but if it is done right, it can work. In these cases, it may be easier to find some other way in which you to humiliate them, if that is your goal.
One fact remains, all these men have one thing in common... They like it more when their partner “makes” them do it. Even the men who would do it on their own, without being told, love it when their dominant takes control and orders them to dress up.
Cross dressing, for some men, though it may not be as humiliating to them as it is for others, can be humiliated in some respect. You need to find out as much about their desire for cross dressing as you can. You need to understand why they enjoy it, what drives them to do it, and exactly how you can still use it to humiliate them. After all, it is something that arouses them and you want to find ways of keeping them aroused. Don't forget, you can always verbally humiliate him if cross dressing is one of his things. Tell him how ridiculous he looks when you take him out. Or make fun of his choice of shoes with a certain outfit.
Here is a suggestion for these types of men. Don't allow them to do it unless you order (or give your permission for) them to do it. It should be under your control at any rate. You could possibly use it as a reward for good behavior. Or, you use it as a punishment by not allowing it at certain times. Either way, there are ways of using their desire to dress like women to help you control them.
Now for reason two. This one is much more fun to deal with. If your guy has, in any way, indicated that dressing in women's clothing would be humiliating to him, but that it might just turn him on to be “forced” to do it, you've got it made. Have fun with him. Dress him up and take him out on the town. Make him wear panties or a teddy to work under his street or work clothing. Make him go into a boutique and purchase things for him to wear. Make sure the sales clerk knows that the items are for him.
How To Set Up An FLR Page 10