She blinked. “No, you’re right about that one, Alvin. Things will never again make sense to me the way they once did.”
He smiled kindly at her, and she was struck, once again at how young he could look, when he so clearly wasn’t. “The first choice you must make, Beloved, is when you are going to stop pretending that you’re not going to have to have a very important discussion with your mother.”
Her heart caught in her throat. That one wasn’t her fault – was it? “I tried talking to her. She was the one who wouldn’t talk to me!”
“Even so, you’re hiding from her now.” His expression didn’t change; they might as well have been talking about the weather.
“I’m not hiding from her, she knows where I am.”
For the first time, she pulled a small reaction from him. Alvin raised an eyebrow, and Quinn felt the weight of the situation on her shoulders. It was true that she wasn’t actually hiding, but she had certainly run away from any possibility of talking to her mom about this. Still ... “She lied to me!”
“As you lied to her.”
A wild rush of indignation tore through her, and she had to take a deep breath to compose herself again. “I wasn’t trying to lie to her. It was a secret I didn’t think I could share!”
“It was a secret you chose not to share.”
“What was I supposed to do, Alvin, just blurt out that I accidentally walked off a broken bridge and wound up in an alternate world?”
“I said nothing about what you were, or were not supposed to do, milady. I merely commented on what you already chose to do. I would also hardly call climbing up a broken bridge, closing your eyes, and stepping forward an accident.”
She swallowed hard. “I wasn’t trying to hurt her.”
“Do you think her intentions have been to hurt you?”
Were they? Quinn and her mother had always been close. Until recently, she couldn’t even imagine her mother doing something to hurt her. No, she really couldn’t believe that her mother had intended to hurt her with by keeping the secret.
“I ... I never really thought about it that way.”
“No, I’m sure you haven’t. It’s an interesting question to consider, though.”
“But why? Why would she lie to me all of these years about my dad, and then still not tell me?”
“Ah ... the choice to answer those questions is not mine to make, Lady Quinn. Should you desire to find out, you must ask the one whose choice it was.”
“So what am I supposed to do, Alvin?”
“I can’t answer that for you. It’s still your choice.”
“But...” frustration welled inside her chest, but the expression on Alvin’s face had changed. No longer at all serious, he looked out across the field in delight.
“It appears as though half-time is over, milady. Surely you’re not going to allow Simon’s team to tarnish your winning record.”
* * *
For a while, Quinn was able to keep Alvin’s words at bay. Playing the second half of the crumple game helped. Knowing that Alvin was up in the bleachers next to Thomas gave her a push and she single-handedly scored two ten-point goals in the first five minutes back in the game. Sweat dripped from her forehead as she ran up and down the length of the field, fiercely determined to keep control of the ball.
When they took another water break a little while, William came up to her, looking pleased but also concerned. He soaked a towel in the cool water and put it around her neck, asking if she wanted to trade places with him, and tend goal for a few minutes.
She didn’t. Right now she didn’t want to slow down for long enough to think, and tending goal would mean more standing and watching than she was ready to do.
Linnea caught the panicked look in her eyes before Quinn had to explain that to William though, and she quickly complained that nobody had offered to let her tend the goal for several games now.
William’s eyes swept discerningly between the two girls as they made their way back onto the field, and Quinn saw the moment he caught on. His expression changed instantly to one of understanding, and she knew then that he wouldn’t press the issue until she was ready to talk about it. Her heart swelled in gratitude for this boy – this man – who had come to know her so quickly and so well.
For the rest of the game, she and William were an unstoppable force as he shadowed her, anticipating her every move, clearing the path of opponents as she moved toward the goal, or leading the ball back to her hands.
Thomas called the game five minutes early because there was no chance of Simon’s team catching up. Quinn could hear him grumbling as they walked back toward the bleachers.
“I get Quinn next time,” Simon called to Max.
“Not a chance.”
Quinn ignored their squabbling as she glanced up at Alvin. He caught her gaze for only a second, and his eyes twinkled in amusement.
“I’m going to go take a shower before dinner,” she mumbled to William.
Despite her earlier rescue, it was Linnea who didn’t let her escape so easily. She followed Quinn upstairs, all the way into her bedroom.
“I really was going to take a shower, Linnea.”
“What did Alvin say to you? I’ve never seen you like this.”
Quinn sighed, slumping down into one of her armchairs, allowing herself to think about and process his words for the first time. “You’re not going to let this go, are you?”
Linnea beamed. “I told you that you wouldn’t always feel new around here.”
“Funny, Nay.”
“So? What did he say?”
She pulled her legs up into her chest, resting her chin on her knees. Linnea sat down on a chair across from her, her gray eyes bright with curiosity, but also liquid with the empathy that made it so difficult to resist sharing things with her.
“He said I’m lying to my mom, and hiding from her.”
Linnea looked like she was waiting for Quinn to say something else. When she still hadn’t after nearly half a minute, Linnea finally spoke. “Aren’t you?”
Quinn buried her face in her knees. “I wasn’t thinking about it like that – like a lie,” she finally mumbled.
“What would you call it, then?”
“It isn’t like I had a choice, Linnea!”
“Of course you had a choice. There’s always a choice.”
“What was I supposed to do, Linnea? Tell her about the bridge, tell her where I was going?”
Linnea shrugged. “I don’t know, Quinn. I’m not saying that. I’m not saying I would have made a different choice if I were in the same position. All I’m saying is that it was a choice you made, and you did lie, and that usually has consequences.”
“That’s pretty much what Alvin said. That’s what he always says – it’s always my choice.”
“Sounds like him, but he’s right. Are you upset now because he pointed that out?”
Quinn buried her head in her knees again. “I don’t know. I just wasn’t ready to think about it at all.”
“This isn’t like you, Quinn.”
She looked up at her friend. “What do you mean?”
“I mean … I’ve never seen you run away from a situation and hide like this before. When you wanted to know what Will was up to, you followed him. You didn’t give up until you had your answer. When Thomas was missing, you ran back here without even a second thought, demanding to go on the rescue mission, not letting up until you got what you wanted.
“Now … I know you’re mad at your mom. You have every right to be. She’s been hiding this crazy huge secret from you, and she hasn’t been playing fair. But why are you letting that stand in your way? That isn’t the Quinn I know.”
Her heart sank. She knew Linnea was right. “So are you saying you think I should go back?”
Linnea’s eyes were intense. “I’m not going to tell you what to do, Quinn. Personally, I’d be happy if you stayed here forever. But you’re never going to get the answers you want –
you need – by hanging around here and pretending that you can ignore it forever. She isn’t going to tell you what you want to know when she can’t even see you.”
* * *
“I’m really sorry I can’t go with you,” William said. “I hate the idea of you doing this all alone.”
“I know. You’ve told me. I don’t like it either, but it will be easier for me. I’ll only feel like I’m gone for a day.” She ran her hand from his shoulder down his arm until she reached his hand. They stood in the clearing a few feet away from the base of the bridge, talking while Linnea waited down by the river with the horses.
“Are you sure you want to do this?”
“Why do you keep asking me that, Will? No, I don’t want to. It’s the last thing I want. It would be so much easier to stay here for the next ten days, to help your mother and your sisters with planning your birthday celebration. But I need to.”
“I know, sweetheart.” He leaned in and kissed her cheek, then rubbed his thumb under her chin. “I don’t mean to make it harder. This is just ... new to me. I’ve never had to let you go since...”
She smiled, and took his hand in hers again. “It’s different, isn’t it?”
It was different. She had a hard time believing how much things had changed between her and William during the last thirty days. Somehow he’d gone from being a sort-of friend she barely knew to someone she wasn’t sure that she was ever going to be able to walk away from.
The two of them had talked about this decision yesterday. A rare quiet day for William in the castle, he’d invited her out for another horseback ride after breakfast. They’d spent almost the whole day out riding, enjoying the horses, enjoying each other – definitely enjoying each other.
But after a relaxing picnic lunch near the river – and maybe a little too much kissing – their conversation had turned back to more serious things.
Ever since Alvin’s visit two days ago and her subsequent conversation with Linnea, she had been trying to make this decision, to go home and confront her mother. She’d already missed the gate opening twice while she’d been here; three days would have passed for her mother since she had left.
She knew that Alvin – and Linnea – were right. She had to have this conversation with her mother sometime. Until she did, there would really be no moving forward. She wasn’t certain if choosing to go back now was brave or cowardly.
On the one hand, by going now she was taking charge of the situation, and trying to get things settled. However, another part of her acknowledged that the biggest reason that she wanted to do it now was so that if things went badly, she would still have another sixty days in Eirentheos to recover and pretend it had never happened. Her plan was to slip back to Bristlecone tonight. It would be Sunday. She could go home, confront her mom, and be back in Eirentheos on Monday night, still in plenty of time to prepare for the big coming-of-age celebration that was planned for William’s birthday.
“Is it safe to come back over here? Are you two through being mushy?” Linnea asked, coming to stand beside them.
William rolled his eyes, but he smiled. “I suppose so. Though you might want to leave again in a few minutes when I actually walk her to the gate.”
Quinn blushed. Things had definitely changed between her and William since she’d first come back here. Leaving was strange when things were so good with William here, both of them adhering to an unspoken agreement that they would just enjoy the time they had now and not worry about how things would change between them when Spring Break ended – which seemed a very long time from now, in Eirenthean days.
Yesterday had been a pleasant culmination of that. Going back right now was a reminder of reality that she wasn’t so sure she was prepared for, but she kept telling herself that she wasn’t really going back to deal with her real life yet. She just wanted some answers. If she got some, she’d deal with those later, too – with Will.
“Do you have everything you need?” Linnea asked, eyeing the backpack slung over Quinn’s shoulder.
She shrugged. “I didn’t actually bring anything with me. I have no idea what Mia packed in here.”
“Your jacket, I hope,” William said, walking behind her and unzipping the pack. “Yes, here it is. You should put it on. It’s still a lot colder there than here.”
“Aw, look. Will’s a mother hen,” Linnea teased, and then dodged William’s hand as he reached to tousle her hair.
Quinn giggled, but took the jacket and removed her backpack so that she could shrug into it. William snatched the bag from her hand before she could set it down on the ground.
“Be safe, Quinn,” Linnea said, suddenly serious again.
“I will,” she said.
“We’ll be waiting here at the bridge for you when you get back.”
“I know.” Quinn wrapped herself in Linnea’s waiting arms, hugging her tightly. “I’ll see you soon, okay?”
“Yeah.” After one last hand-squeeze, Linnea turned and walked back down to the river. Quinn’s horse, Dusk, made a whuffling noise, sounding like she, too, was upset about the impending departure.
“Are you ready?” William asked, sliding the shoulder straps back over her arms for her.
She closed her eyes and took a deep breath. “No,” she said, opening them again. “I’m never going to be ready, but I’m going to do it anyway.”
He paused then, and looked right into her eyes, with the kind of intensity he only occasionally unleashed on her. She almost changed her mind about going, until he started speaking. “I’m sorry it’s so hard for you, and the last thing I want to do is spend the next ten days worrying about you, but I am proud of you, Quinn. And I’ll be right here waiting for you when you get back.”
She buried her face in his chest, hiding her tears and breathing in his scent, knowing that his reassurance extended far past him just planning on being standing here physically upon her return.
He wasn’t fooled; by the time she finally pulled back, his handkerchief was in his hand. He gently wiped her face with it, and then tucked it in the pocket of her jeans. “You might need this when I’m not around,” he said, and then he leaned in to kiss her.
14. Secrets
It was several minutes before Quinn could open her eyes on the other side of the gate. The difference in temperature had assaulted her immediately – it was colder here than she had been expecting. Or maybe it just felt that way as she absorbed the difference between being in William’s warm, safe arms on a late-summer evening, and standing here alone and scared on a chilly winter night.
Climbing down from the bridge was disorienting, and she felt out of place. There was no car waiting for her in the pull-off, no keys or cell phone hiding under a rock, nothing to do put pull her hood over her head, yank the zipper the last few inches, and start walking.
As she walked, she rehearsed the same lines in her head that had been playing for two days, ever since that conversation with Alvin on the side of the crumple field. She knew he was right, that she had lied to her mother, too, and was guilty of hiding information. Part of this mess was her own fault.
Alvin had stayed at the castle for another full day, often locked up in meetings with Stephen. He hadn’t said another word about her needing to talk to her mother, though last night at dinner she’d caught him studying her. He had left shortly after that – she’d never told him she was going to take his advice and go home.
She’d thought about it enough, though, to realize that even if she wasn’t completely innocent, she could still be angry. Wrong or right, the secret that she had hidden from her mother was nothing like the secret her mom had kept from her. Samuel had been her father, and she deserved to have known some of these things about him. It was beyond her why everyone would keep this from her, especially after she’d already discovered the gate and traveled to Eirentheos.
The further she walked, the angrier she became; a block before she reached her street, she had to stop herself to make sure that she wasn�
�t actually yelling out loud. But when she finally turned the corner, and she could see her house, the fear turned to dread. How was she ever going to do this?
She paused for a long moment at the base of the driveway, seriously considering not going in. In the end, it was only the cold that propelled her forward. With the possible exception of Nathaniel’s house, she didn’t have anywhere else to go, and she wasn’t sure if he was working tonight – that would be an awfully long walk in this bitter cold just to be left standing outside an empty house.
Her teeth were chattering by the time she reached the front door, where she stopped again. Should she ring the doorbell? No. It was her house, too. She moved the loose panel under the eave, and took out the key.
As soon as she opened the door and stepped inside, she saw her. Her mother was sitting silently in the oversized chair in the living room, watching the door.
She stood there in the entryway for several minutes, trying to remember how to breathe, while her mother, too, waited wordlessly. When she finally trusted her voice, she turned to her mom. “Hi.”
Another long pause, while they both looked at each other, both seeming to have difficulty breathing. “Do you want to come in here and have a seat?” Megan finally asked.
Quinn had no idea what she wanted right then, but she nodded, dropped her coat and backpack on the floor, and made her way to the couch.
“Nathaniel told me he wouldn’t be surprised if you came back last night or tonight to talk, but I was sure I’d made you mad enough to keep you away for longer than three days,” she said. “I guess he already knows you better than I do. I should have gone down to meet you at the gate.”
Quinn raised an eyebrow. “You talked to Nathaniel.”
Her mother nodded, looking up, but not making eye contact. “After you left Thursday night ... I didn’t know what to think, what to do. Nathaniel came here and knocked on the door, but I wasn’t ready to talk to him yet. He left the car in the driveway. I got up early on Friday morning, and drove Annie and Owen back down to Denver. The whole ride there and back I was thinking about how I’d acted toward you, and what I’d said, and hadn’t said ... About how much I’d probably hurt you.”
Thorns of Decision (Dusk Gate Chronicles) Page 16