I held the open book against my chest and stared into space, thinking about what I just read. I'd read this book before. David had just become a vampire and watched Marielle mourn his death from the shadows. The pain of not being able to comfort her was worse for him than the pain of dying. He'd begun visiting whorehouses in Quebec City to ease the pain. David knew that he didn't need blood to survive, he just needed to be around people. Not only did he fall for Talis, a fiery little prostitute, but she felt the same about him. She trusted him enough to share blood with him. In David‘s world, the blood exchange was purely sexual. The vampires could survive on energy. The relationship went places neither of them knew was possible.
I wanted that with someone. A bond that could never be broken. Someone who would never leave me.
When I read this a few years ago, it was just an incredible love story. Now that my life had taken a few unexpected plot twists of its own, I understood it on another level. It was about survival. I couldn't do it on my own. I kept wandering from place to place, expecting one of them to be home, but I had yet to find it. I always thought I identified with Marielle, but now I realized it was really David I had more in common with.
And today, I felt more at home than I had since I lost Memere. Maybe home wasn’t a place, but a person.
"Found something you like?" Aidan had come out from his bedroom, I jumped at the sound of his voice. He'd already dressed in jeans and a gray sweater, but his hair was still mussed from sleep. I felt sloppy and lazy still in my, well his, pajamas. I adjusted my ponytail as if it would make a difference.
"Yeah," I said more to myself than to him. "You know, these are a lot deeper than just simple love stories. They’re about finding a home. I never realized that before."
"They are." Aidan pushed back some of the blankets on the far end of the couch and sat down, crossing his long legs out in front of him. "Everyone just focuses on the sex and the blood, and their romantic notions about being a vampire. But those things are really just the tip of the iceberg."
"What happened to Marielle?" It flew out of my mouth before I realized it was probably a totally insensitive question. "I'm sorry, if you don't want to talk about it, I understand. People say it gets easier, but that's bullshit."
Aidan seemed amused with my crassness, but he didn't exactly look comfortable with the question. "I had to leave her."
"What? Why?" That seemed crazy to me. If these books were to be believed, he was still pining away for this woman. Why would he walk away from her?
He sighed. "My life changed abruptly, and I couldn't explain it to her. It was kinder to walk away from her, even if it was the last thing I wanted. I had to do what was best for my family."
"What did you do?" I mean, first this guy tells me that he's masquerading professionally as a woman and now he tells me he's got some secret worthy of walking away from the love of his life? What had I gotten myself into this time? Goosebumps rose on my skin. I drew closer to the arm of the couch, away from him. I don't know if he noticed or not.
"I did nothing. It was done to me," he snapped as he stood up, raking his fingers through his hair hard enough that I thought he might pull a clump out. "I don't want to talk about this right now. When the time is right, I will tell you everything you need to know."
I stared at him, slack-jawed, as he went into the kitchen. I couldn't see him anymore, but I could hear him banging cabinets. Tea and a tantrum. Sexy. I rolled my eyes and sighed. Did he kill someone? Was he in the witness protection program? He had a secret identity. What would make him have to walk away from his family? Maybe he really did think he was a vampire.
I shook my head. When your only physical address was a post office box, you got used to dealing with weirdos. It became a necessary evil. If I had thought Aidan was dangerous, I would have never gone with him to his house. And he hadn't given me any reason to fear him. In fact, I felt a pull to him I couldn’t explain.
But it didn’t make him any less weird.
Aidan might have been done with our conversation, but I wasn't. I followed him in the kitchen, retrieved my styrofoam takeout box from the fridge, jumped up onto the counter, and took a bite out of my sandwich. A little soggy but still delicious. "So is she okay?"
He looked at me like I had three heads. "Who?"
"Marielle. Your wife." I felt the need to remind him who she was as I swung my feet against the cabinets.
"She's dead, Kyndra." Aidan leaned against the counter and didn't look up. I‘d hit a nerve.
"How am I supposed to know? That's what I assumed. Then you tell me you had to leave her. Don't mind me if I'm a little confused. And concerned for this woman's well being."
"You don't need to be concerned about anyone's well being. I assume you're really talking about your own." I could feel him glaring at me, even though I wouldn't meet his eyes. "I'm not going to hurt you."
"You keep saying that, like we have some kind of future." I dropped my sandwich back in the container and hopped off of the counter. I winced at the sting in my ankles as I landed. "I'm just here because it's Christmas. I'll be gone in the morning. Then you won't have to worry about my well being."
"Pushing me away? Like you do to everyone else?" Aidan said flatly.
"You don't even know me." Rage flooded my body. How dare he. I folded my arms in front of my chest, feeling foolish fighting with this virtual stranger while I was wearing his clothes.
"And what would I find if I did?"
I opened my mouth to speak, but I didn't, couldn't form words. I was so furious I could barely form a coherent thought. I pressed my lips together, still trying to figure out what to say, then finally settled for slamming one of my hands down painfully on the island. "I'm not the one hiding behind some imaginary person. And I don't know why we're having this conversation."
He smirked, making my pulse beat at a furious speed. "I found you enjoying one of my books. That's why." He picked up his tea and left me in the middle of the kitchen, still steaming. "I washed your work clothes while you were sleeping," he said over his shoulder.
Did he expect me to thank him? I exhaled and looked up at the amber shaded lights hanging from the ceiling. This was my fault. I proded then got mad when he returned the favor.
Maybe I was trying to push him away.
I didn't know what to think about any of this.
I finished my sandwich standing at the counter, then opened the lower cabinets until I found the trash. I humbly returned to the couch, feeling like every bit of the intruder I was. Again. My nest of blankets had been neatly folded and placed on the arm of the couch. I sat down without saying a word. Aidan had put on music, classic twangy country of all things. I liked country music, but I never expected he would as well. He typed away on his laptop without looking up at me.
About me, no doubt. I'm sure I'd give him, or Allison, inspiration.
I sat there like that for what seemed like hours. I didn't say a word, and he didn't look up from his computer. I tried not to let the clacking sound of his typing get on my nerves. He had more than earned his place there already.
I really had no right to be this angry, which made me even madder. If it wasn't for Aidan, I'd be freezing my ass off at a T station or high off my ass with disgusting people pawing at me. Being warm and ignored by this strange man was about as good as I could hope for this Christmas.
Eventually, Aidan encouraged me to turn the TV back on. It was probably hard for him to concentrate with me staring at him. A Christmas Story ended its run and the night began to draw to a close. I overstayed my welcome, but I couldn’t bring myself to leave.
“Is it okay if I stay again tonight?” I hadn’t even got out of his T-shirt and shorts. I’d unfolded the blanket and snuggled right back into my makeshift bed without waiting for his answer.
“I didn’t think you were going anywhere.” He looked up from his laptop. “Do you have anywhere else to go?”
“No.” It felt good to finally give up the masque
rade. Pretending exhausted me.
“Then I insist you stay.” He went back to work.
Aidan irritated and flabbergasted me, sure. But he intrigued me. I pulled the blanket up to my chin, and rested my head on the pillow, feeling strangely relaxed.
This was exactly where I was supposed to be right now.
Five
“How was it?” Paige, my best friend, met me at the mall after work. One eyebrow cocked under what looked like a brand new hat, she looked almost afraid to ask. Paige was one of the only people who knew my secret. She knew I had no plans of going to my aunt’s house.
I’d been vague about what my plan for Christmas Day actually was, even with her. She’d sent me messages, but I didn’t check my phone until I left for work this morning. Spending the day with Aidan, as odd as it was, didn’t even seem like a part of my real life.
“Actually, it was really good.” I had to avoid walking into groups of distracted shoppers out in the mall. The mall had a dirty little secret, too. The day after Christmas was crazier than the entire Christmas season combined. Everyone there was either pissed about lousy presents they had to return, looking for dirt cheap deals, or just desperate to get out of the house. Paige could have been any one of the three, loaded down with giant shopping bags. “Let me take one of those for you.”
“Thanks. One of them is your present.” She shook feeling back into her fingers when I took the handle from her. Crap. I didn’t get her anything. “So really? It was good? Don’t lie to me, Kyn.”
“I’m not! It was.” A smile spread across my face. “Are you hungry?”
“Starving!”
“I’ve had enough mall for one day.” I stopped walking to consider options, and someone walked right into me and grumbled. Definitely enough mall for one day. Not having my own kitchen made eating out a necessity, if I had enough money to eat at all. “How do you feel about The Red Rooster?”
“That diner down the street?” Paige wrinkled her nose at the thought. “Really?”
“Yeah. They have everything, and I have a craving for diner fries.” Aidan was still asleep this morning when I left as the sun rose, or maybe he had just gone to bed. We didn’t have a chance to discuss any future plans, since he was still working on his book when I felt asleep watching TV. At some point, he’d gone out that night to get me coffee. He didn’t leave a note with it this morning. That, coupled with having to leave his house, made me sad.
I knew better than to attach myself to anyone for too long. I didn’t make enough money to contribute to any household in a meaningful way. Even more importantly, I never wanted to wear out my welcome, especially in a place I didn’t want to be in the first place.
“I feel so fat after yesterday! There was so much food!” Paige groaned. I looked down at the pavement as we headed to her car. “Should we drive or just leave stuff in the trunk? I’m kind of nervous someone will steal our stuff if we leave it.”
Paige’s mother loved watching Dateline, 48 Hours, and any sensational news show that thrived off of people generally getting screwed. The fears these shows instilled in her trickled down to Paige, who looked at the world with an unhealthy amount of suspicion. Because of that, I had to censor a lot of things I told her. I could tell her I’d spent the night on the bench out front of the diner before and no one touched me, and that it was the ‘safe’ places you really had to worry about. But Paige couldn’t handle that kind of reality. Our lives were becoming more different almost every day, and I could feel us growing apart. I hated it.
“I’m sure it will be fine, but if we drive we’ll have to parallel park.” Another thing Paige had an unhealthy fear of. “I’ll drive your car.”
“Are you sure you don’t want cheesecake?” Paige asked, forgetting about yesterday’s food coma in a hurry. “That place seems kind of skanky.”
“Nobody will be there at this time of day. They have cheesecake, too. You know, that revolving case with the cakes? If we stay here, we’ll wait an hour.” I put the car in reverse, swearing as another driver didn’t stop to let me out of the spot all the way. “I might chew off my arm if I have to wait that long.”
“I just really wanted sushi.” Paige pouted, throwing out any idea that didn’t involve The Red Rooster.
“You can’t have sushi today.” I sounded just like Memere. “It won’t be fresh. No one got a shipment today.”
“You are such an old lady. I don’t care, I just want to see you.” Paige bounced a little in the passenger’s seat. Could have fooled me. “So tell me about yesterday! Did you wind up going to your aunt’s house?”
“Nope. Let me get into this spot and I’ll tell you all about it.” I had to really concentrate to get into a spot on the first try. Parallel parking skills were a city necessity I don’t know Paige functioned without.
As predicted, only a few people sat throughout the diner. I ignored the look on Paige’s face as she surveyed the patrons. I loved her, but she could really be a snob sometimes.
The waitress took our order right away. I got another tuna melt, and Paige chose eggs benedict. I loved that everyone always had a standby order at a place like this.
“You’re killing me right now. Details, girl.”
Paige didn’t know about the shelter. And she never would. If she ever knew I sometimes stayed at The Spirit House, she would insist I move in with her family. As much as her mom meant well, I’d want to claw her eyeballs out if I lived with her. In the last five months, I’d become accustomed to freedom. Paige could certainly sympathize with that. Even though Boston College was just a T ride away, she lived in the dorms.
“I went to church.” It was the best place to start.
“Really? You turned down our holiday party for church?” Paige squeezed lemon into her diet soda and looked like she’d sucked on it, too.
This is why I hated this Christmas now. I felt the anxiety build in my chest. “Yeah, it just felt right. Anyway, I wound up talking to this really amazing man—“
Paige laughed. “Only you would find a date at Christmas Mass.”
“Stop it. You asked, and you won’t even let me tell you.” I didn’t even want to tell her any more. Talking about it almost seemed a violation of Aidan’s generosity. “I guess I kind of did find a date, but not really.”
“Oh god, you hooked up with a guy you met at church. On Christmas.” Paige dramatically put her head down on the table, bouncing up quickly and rubbing at a sticky spot left from the last patrons.
“Yeah. We screwed in front of God and everyone, right at the altar, during communion. Happy birthday, Baby Jesus.” Our food came, and I took out my aggression on the ketchup bottle, pounding on the pressure point marked by the little fifty seven, spilling way too much onto my fries.
Why was Paige judging me? She was never without a boyfriend. At one time, I would have brought this up, but it didn’t seem important anymore. To me, anyway.
“I don’t care what you do,” Paige insisted, “I’m just glad you didn’t wind up at Matt’s house. What do you get him for Christmas? A bong?”
Matt liked to make his own bongs, but I didn’t mention that. My heart sank, I’d really wanted to tell her about Aidan, but not if she was going to be so snarky about the whole thing. I gave up and changed the subject. “So what did you do?”
“What a crazy day.” Paige welcomed the chance to talk about herself without any further questions. “We opened all our presents when we woke up, of course. Jaden got an Xbox, so we hooked that up and played for a while until my grandparents got there, then I went to Scott’s house after dinner for dessert. He got me this necklace! Isn’t it pretty?”
I nodded, daydreaming about Aidan instead of listening to her story or looking at her necklace.
“Sounds like fun.” It sounded too good, actually. I envied Paige for being normal. More and more I just felt like a freak when we hung out. Maybe I always had, and I just was noticing it now.
“It was. I had a ton of returns to do. My m
om just doesn’t get me.” That I could sympathize with, my mother didn’t get me. Anything. “I wish she’d just get me gift cards. Oh! I almost forgot your present!”
She pushed a shopping bag at me, and I pulled the present out of the bag. I liked to unwrap my presents slowly. This year, this was the only present I had to unwrap.
Paige got me an e-reader.
“This is too much.” I actually pushed the box back toward her. “You didn’t have to do this.”
“I got a great deal on it Thanksgiving night.” Paige beamed. “And you love to read. It kills me that you had to give all your books away when you moved.”
Everything had to go when I “moved.” At first I thought I’d sell a lot of it, but I got so stressed out I wound up giving up on that idea. It’s amazing how much shit we all have that just doesn’t matter when it’s gone. I only kept the clothes I needed, a couple of my favorite Memere trinkets, my teddy bear, a few of my worn, well-loved books, and our photo albums. The important things. All of it was stored in Paige’s basement. Someday, it would have a home again. Just like me.
I pulled the e-reader back toward me, tracing my finger along the outside of the box. My mind went back to all those books at Aidan’s house. The books Aidan wrote. Lost in thought, I hugged the box against my chest. How long would it be before someone at the shelter stole it from me? I’d keep it at work. No one could get into my locker.
Why was I romanticizing Aidan so much? He had kind of creeped me out. We fought. But he kept his promise, he didn’t hurt me and gave me a safe place to stay.
I couldn’t shake him.
“I’m glad you like it.” Paige seemed weirded out that I was hugging her present. Snapping out of it, I put it back on the table and started eating my pickle. I always saved that for last. Paige used the rest of her English muffin to sop up the egg yolk on her plate. Realizing she’d cleaned it, she looked alarmed. “Excuse me.”
Silent Night: Vampire Holiday Romance (The Night Songs Collection Book 4) Page 3