Jealous of what?
Nothing could have prepared me for the shame I felt being back here. I didn’t sit, I stood by the wall, jacket still on, heavy arms clutching my stomach. I didn’t make eye contact with anyone. “Hey.”
“Where have you been?” Phil liked me probably a little too much, since once the coke entered my bloodstream, I didn’t say no to anyone. Not even him.
“Princess has a boyfriend.” Matt ran his fingers along my cheek and I jumped. One of the girls on the couch scoffed. “She’s all smart and rich now.”
“Good, she can buy,” maybe the same girl said. I didn’t know one’s voice from the other.
“Relax, Kyndra.” Matt laughed, pulling me into him roughly, almost bringing me to my knees. “We’ll have a good time tonight. You know you missed us.”
Did I? I let myself look around the room, trying not to breathe. Who knows when last time Matt remembered to shower? He’d probably been up for days already. He’d been all over the road on the way here, and it was a miracle he parked the SUV in the driveway instead of the middle of the living room.
Some days, I missed the Matt I knew before he and Phil found his dad’s weed. I never missed this. I hated this. It reminded me of everything I didn’t have. How empty my life was. That everything good wasn’t real. That’s what made it so easy for me to try to alter my reality here with anything they offered me. When I was high, I forgot how miserable everything was.
I needed to forget. Everything.
“So, what have you guys been up to?” My voice sounded thin and I didn’t really care.
“You know, same old same old. We don’t get fancy and change things up around here, princess.” Matt dragged me over to the chair, where I landed awkwardly on top of him. I wonder if he thought he was being seductive. My thigh was going to bruise. “We know a good time when we see it.”
“Stop it, Matt.” I squirmed, trying to sit up. His hand was already under my shirt, groping at my bra.
“Why? Does the truth hurt?” He stuck out his bottom lip then laughed.
“No.” I made it upright, swatting his hand away. It landed in my lap, then fell between my legs. “If I wanted to talk about my life, I wouldn’t have come here.”
“Yes!” Phil leaned back, feigning prayer. “I knew I missed you for a reason.”
My stomach churned. Really, I was going to let him touch me? If nothing else, it wouldn’t last long. A few grunts and pokes, and a mess to clean up. Did it ever do anything for me? I hadn’t realized how bad it was until I was Aidan. But I apparently didn’t deserve that, either.
“I’m not here for that, either.”
“Yeah, right.” Matt laughed too hard. “I’ve got some new stuff. You’ll love it.”
In twenty hours, I was scheduled for a blood test to make sure none of this was in my system. Twenty hours. “I can’t.”
But God, was I curious. The craving made my mouth water. Especially in this place. I shouldn’t have come here.
I put my hands on the arms of the chair to get out of Matt’s lap, but he pushed me back down. “Since when do you say no?”
“I have a drug test tomorrow—“
The room erupted in laughter. Why was that funny, besides the fact they’d never pass it?
“I have a drug test tomorrow.” Matt mocked. “You have a drug test tonight. I need you to test out this new junk for me.”
I squeezed my eyes shut. Heroin. If I did that shit, tomorrow would sail by without me. Probably the next day, too. I could kiss any hopes of getting that job goodbye.
I’d been so close to getting what I wanted. Why did it all have to fall apart?
“No. That’s too much.” This time I came to my feet, ignoring the sneers of everyone else in the room. “I really need this job, Matt.”
“Oh, is your sugar daddy making you get a job?” That sarcastic pout returned.
“I want a job.”
“You don’t need a job, Kyndra,” Phil insisted. “We’re all fine, and we don’t answer to anyone.”
The only reason they hadn’t been evicted was this house was in Matt’s sister’s name, and the state was under the impression that only her and her son lived here. I racked my brain, trying to remember the last time I saw her kid. Wherever he was, it was better than here. This was the last thing he needed to see. They all laughed at how impossible it was for her landlord to get rid of her. She hadn’t bothered to pay the rent in months.
Matt pulled my face against his, his tongue all over my face trying to find my mouth. I squirmed to get away from him as he slobbered on my chin and cheeks. When he finally hit his target, he tasted like raw onions, stale beer, and unbrushed teeth. Bile rose in my throat, but slid back down, and I was a little disappointed I didn’t get a chance to throw up in Matt’s mouth.
“Why are you crying?” Matt wrinkled up his nose when I pulled away from him.
“Because you’re disgusting and I want to go home.”
He brought his nose to mine. “You are home.”
Maybe he was right. I squeezed my eyes closed, giving in and letting him kiss me again. He groped my breast painfully. I forced myself to think about Aidan, imagining his hands on me, his tongue caressing mine instead of Matt’s choking me.
The only thing Matt and Aidan had in common was they were both crazy.
“What do you have?” I separated myself from the words coming out of my mouth. And in a few minutes, I would separate myself from everything.
Twenty
The needle burned when it hit my vein, but after that, this feeling of euphoria took over my body. Relaxation flooded me; I couldn’t even remember what had made me so tense. Why I was lying naked on this filthy mattress in the middle of Matt’s “room,” which should have been a family dining room. Matt dug through a pile of garbage, some of it hitting my foot.
“Let me clean that up for you.” My words came fast. I sat up quickly, the room spinning, and started sorting through the pile at the end of the mattress. Matt pushed me back down.
“You can do that later.” He crawled over my body, pushing his knee between my thighs. I pulled at his shirt, getting it out of the way so I could undo his pants. This stuff made my inhibitions, my opinions, everything, go out the window. My brain needed to feel everything, do everything. There was no stopping me.
I’d just totally screwed myself out of that job, but it didn’t matter. I’d find a better job. I’d figure it all out. After this.
Matt’s hands worked my breasts. All I could focus on was the dirt under his fingernails. Gross. He needed a makeover. Later. Everything later.
“Don’t bother with that.” I pushed him away. “Just do it.”
“Nice.” He moved in to kiss me but I turned my face away. “That’s what I like about you, you don’t care about all that foreplay stuff. You just want to fuck.”
There was no high that would ever take away my disgust for Matt. It just made me want to fill the emptiness I felt inside.
I closed my eyes, letting my head fall to the side as he parted my legs. He fumbled against my thighs, worming out of his jeans. The more he moved, the worse he smelled. I wasn’t used to this anymore. Maybe I didn’t feel so numb after all.
“Do you want to do this in the shower?” I asked.
“No,” he said quickly, panting as he worked himself to readiness. I couldn’t even give this pathetic loser a hard on. He’d done too much junk already. His body protested.
I squinted at him, grossed out by the sight of him playing with himself. My arm came up over my face, self-defense maybe? “Hurry up. Get this over with.”
“I’m working on it, princess. I guess your sugar daddy likes his girls pleasantly plump. It’s not making this easy,” he said between breaths.
“You’re an asshole.”
Matt leaned down close to my ear. “But you’re still going to fuck me.” Little drops of spit landed on my face, and I cringed. I didn’t even hide it. He slapped me in response.
/> My eyes flew open at the shock. Even more shocking, Matt seemingly lifted straight to the ceiling. I could hear the others in the house protesting and screaming in the background, but it swirled and echoed like it was in a tunnel. Matt fought and punched at air, looking more foolish than ever, his pathetic, tired penis at half-mast in the midst of it all.
A pair of legs in dress pants far too nice for this house rose from the floor, the body attached to them holding Matt up like a rag doll. My mouth dropped when I looked at Aidan’s red eyes.
Red eyes.
He seethed at Matt, opening his mouth and baring fangs.
Fangs.
What the hell did Matt give me?
Curling on to my side to protect myself from my own imagination, I shut my eyes again and tried to ground myself against the hallucination. The others had come into the room now, and I wished I had something to cover myself with. I had no idea what was happening, but I wanted to crawl inside the foul mattress and hide from all of it.
Matt wasn’t screaming, and that seemed weird considering what was going on. I had to be imagining this. I had to be. When I opened my eyes, I raised my arms over my head, to make sure I really couldn’t feel him, that Matt wasn’t still on top of me. Nothing had changed. I still saw Aidan, or a monster that had taken over Aidan’s body, Matt in midair, and everyone else on the sidelines, still freaking the hell out.
“Quiet!” The monster roared in Aidan’s voice. No one dared move.
“Aidan,” it came out in little more than a whisper. He looked down to me; those red eyes actually looked sad. I wanted to die inside. I’d let him down.
Now he knew who I really was. Just a useless junkie with no self-respect.
Aidan pushed Matt’s head down with his free hand. The crack of Matt’s neck echoed through the room. Everyone gasped as Aidan tossed Matt’s body into a pile of trash. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw them all rush to Matt’s aid, but I didn’t take my eyes off of Aidan. He didn’t look back at the crowd, either, he looked nowhere but me, still rolled in a ball.
“What the fuck!” Matt’s sister screamed, shoving Aidan, but she couldn’t make him budge. He turned to her, baring those nightmare teeth again, and snarling.
“You saw nothing.” His voice came out in a controlled roar. Not Aidan’s voice. Not human. “When the police come, you’ll tell them you found him this way.”
She nodded, wide-eyed and frozen, and no one else had the balls to protest, including me. Aidan turned his attention back to me.
“Aidan,” I managed one more time as he knelt down beside me. He’d taken off his jacket and urged me to put it on.
After I threaded my arms through the too-long sleeves, he wrapped it around me and buttoned the jacket. I went limp. It felt good to let someone take care of me. It was exactly what I needed after the last few days.
The monster wore Aidan’s cologne. The red glow had faded from his eyes, and he looked human again. I reached out to touch his cheek, the stubble of his beard prickling my skin. I couldn’t stop touching his face. His expression softened, and once again he was my Aidan.
If only I could taste him, then I could be sure this was real.
I’d never been this fucked up before. My body felt weak and sick as my heart raced and sputtered in my chest. I wrapped my arms around Aidan’s neck, and braced myself to die.
Twenty-One
So thirsty. And sick. My muscles screamed as I stretched involuntarily, conscious for the first time in I don’t know how long. I hadn’t expected to be greeted by dark when I forced my eyes open. Maybe I was dead, and this was hell.
It took a few moments to adjust to the darkness. I was in a bed, swaddled in blankets and my own pink pajamas. When I took a deep breath, I knew Aidan was nearby.
Maybe it had all been a nightmare.
No, I knew this feeling all too well. The emptiness, the regret. I was definitely coming down from a high. I just didn’t know what had happened during it, so I couldn’t yet adjust the self-loathing accordingly.
Rolling over on my back, I bumped into Aidan. He lay on his side, his head propped up by his elbow.
“Sorry.” My words were garbled.
He leaned down and kissed my forehead. “Good evening, sleepy head.” I jumped when he turned on the light. He smiled down at me in a way I’d never seen before, like he looked at me for the first time.
“I feel like I’ve been asleep forever.” I sat up a little too fast, and my head swam. Aidan put his hand on the small of my back to steady me, and handed me a glass of water.
“Drink that slowly,” he instructed. “You’ve been asleep for a while.”
The cold water cracked the dry plain of my mouth, almost burning it. As I swallowed, my body slowly found the will to come back to life, like a plant that hadn’t been watered in a month. Not listening to him, I gulped it all down, and then handed him the empty glass.
He squinted to make sure he actually did see the bottom of it, but didn’t say anything when he put it back on the nightstand.
“What day is it?” I felt stupid and helpless having to ask that question.
“Tuesday.”
My hand flew to my mouth as I gasped. My heart hurt my chest with its pounding, and the water began to revolt in my stomach. I scrambled, trying to get up in time to make it to the bathroom, but after a few steps I fell to my knees and got sick in the hallway.
I crumbled into a heap behind the mess, so embarrassed that I didn’t make it. Defeated that I couldn’t account for the last four days. Confused because I didn’t know how I’d really gotten here. Aidan’s hands were on my hips, but I pushed him away out of shame, and because I needed to get sick again. I was going to ruin his wood floors, just like I ruined everything else.
He rubbed my back and let me cry. He was superhuman for being able to sit there, next to a sea of vomit, and not get sick himself. When I tired, he drew me closer to his body, holding me close and rocking me back and forth just enough to be comforting.
Aidan helped me to my feet, despite my protests about cleaning up the mess, and brought me back to bed. He pulled the blankets back up over me, and I couldn’t protest anymore. This is where I needed to be right now. His cool palm ran over my forehead just lightly enough that maybe he could erase my stupid decisions. He disappeared, and I didn’t have the energy to cry out for him. I hated being alone when I was sick. Even if I wasn’t good company for anyone, I just liked knowing someone was there.
I saw his silhouette in the hallway, pushing a mop and dunking it into a bucket, cleaning up my latest disaster. He disappeared again when he finished, and I was relieved when he crawled back into bed with me.
“I missed my appointment.” My eyes felt like they might pop out of my head, then I realized he might not even know what I was talking about. “Did I tell you I got that job? All I needed to do was take a drug test.”
“No. You told me a lot of things when I brought you back here, but not about that.”
And I didn’t even remember. What had I told him? I dissolved into tears. My chances of ever getting that job back were less than zero. I’d wanted it so bad. Everything would have been perfect, but of course I had to sabotage it.
Aidan held me, shushing me. “They called and had to reschedule on Friday, so I moved it to yesterday.” He shook his head when I cried harder. “I called them to let them know you were sick, and couldn’t make it.”
“How?” I didn’t believe him. “How did you know? What about the hospital?”
“You left your phone behind when you snuck out of here.” He smiled when I opened my mouth. I snuck out? This all happened? I still had hoped for delirium from the flu and not coming down from a high. “I answered it, hoping it was you. Then I checked your call log to call the hospital.”
In the history of the cell phone age, so many girls had bawled out their boyfriends for doing what he did. But he might have just saved my future.
“What did they say?”
He pu
shed a damp lock of hair out of my eyes. “That they hoped you felt better, and to call and reschedule when you did. They really liked you, Kyndra. I talked to your new boss for a while. You really knocked that interview out of the park.”
“I did?” I didn’t want to feel hopeful. My bloodstream was a polluted river of illegal substances, which would take the shine off of any first impressions in a hurry.
“Why are you surprised?” Aidan looked so loving. And I thought he’d been crazy. Maybe I was the crazy one. I didn’t deserve this. “We all see it. We’re just waiting for you to catch up.”
“What happened?” I asked him. “I don’t know what’s real, and what I imagined. You say I snuck out, which means I actually did go to Matt’s house?”
“You did,” Aidan confirmed.
That didn’t tie things up in a nice, neat bow. It made it worse. “But how did you find me? I thought I imagined you coming in and saving me, and” I had to stop and let my brain replay the memory to make sure it was right. “Did you kill Matt?”
“He drugged you and was about to rape you,” Aidan answered, but didn’t tell me anything.
“But what you did, it wasn’t real. You weren’t human.” I felt foolish, telling him about my hallucinations. “What I saw, it scared me. I thought I was going to die.”
“I’m not going to let you die, Kyndra,” he whispered, snuggled in so close to me, his words caressing me as his hands massaged my scalp. “I won’t let you die.”
“We all die eventually.” I sighed as he nibbled on my earlobe. How could he still want me after what he saw? How could I relax after what I saw? He said I snuck out, which I’d done because of what he told me. “The way you had Matt, up in the air by one hand like a piece of paper—“
“Do you believe me now, Kyndra?” He pulled away, as the shock of his words rolled through my body. “Now that you’ve seen it with your own eyes?”
Silent Night: Vampire Holiday Romance (The Night Songs Collection Book 4) Page 13